DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

[LaniJen]

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

I think you’ve missed that the OP is not at home

loads of us are saying that in latter stages of pregnancy we loved being home

but this OP isn’t at “home”

Absolutely this.

We get ideas in our minds and scenarios where we envision something being like XXX but it's in our minds. It doesn't mean that our partners (or anyone) has the same thoughts.

He maybe happy to support your wishes to be at your parents home and for the home birth to be there but he doesn't have to share your excitement and feelings. He's not the one having a baby.

Sorry that it's not been how you were hoping it to be

Again, that’s because yiu attracted a particular housewifey type of friend. I don’t know anyone of either sex who’s been a SAHP for longer than a gap between jobs or mat leave unless there was some contributing factor like illness, redundancy or being a trailing spouse. And literally no one I know would want to be a housewife. It doesn’t even have the value of raising small children. It’s just stretching out housework that could be done in a very short amount of time to give an illusion of usefulness.

The only SAHP I know is male!

My DH loves pottering at home and I'd hate to be a housewife but hey that's not the point. They aren't at home they are at someone else's home. Not many men would feel comfortable staying for weeks on end in their PIL's house!

Or women! I’d hate to spend weeks at my PIL’s house, whether they were there or not.

Needn’t be blood related!

Exactly - all my female friends are outdoors, adventurous types - because I am. If you are a homebody it stands to reason you will have similar friends and then confirmation bias will lead you to think 'most' women are like that. When my experience leads me to think the opposite.

But as pointed out, irrelevant in any case as they are not at home but in some odd twilight zone in the in-laws house. Which I think most people would find pretty frustrating.

How are all the women in your lives so black and white?
My female friends are a fair split of SAHMs and WOHMs. Of the latter there's a mix of low skill / entry level jobs and lawyers, drs, CEOs. Some days some of those friends love pottering at home, curling up with a book, some days some of those friends are halfway up a mountain with a child strapped to their back or having a weekend away with friends or up or their elbows in soil. They're all multifaceted. And none of the WOHMs stopped talking to me when I became a SAHM, none of the SAHMs are threatening to excommunicate me if I get a job.

Honestly, because I don’t tend to hang around with housewifey, unambitious people of either sex. The longterm SAHPs I know are so because of children with significant additional needs, their own or a child’s illness, or being unable to work in a particular place.

It's quite a stretch and really a bit twisted. OP said that "I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business)." The exchange sounds like it happened in a work chat they have set up and the niece was replying to a message about being bored. The niece's husband, for all we know, could also be on the same chat.

OP wants her DH to feel exactly like her imaginary version of what the last 2-3 week of pregnancy should look like. But to be honest, OP could give birth tomorrow or in 3 weeks. Waiting for it to happen in a house it's not yours, without your stuff and your comforts, WFH in someone's desk or table, and being expected to just potter around otherwise until an unknown date... sounds boring. I would use that nesting focus to prepare my own house, especially if he can WFH and perhaps do some shopping, tidy around, etc.

They aren't. They are abroad.

I say all the time I'd like to be a WEALTHY housewife and not have to work. The actual reality of spending all day cleaning the house and not really being able to go anywhere or do anything because our lifestyle would have to be so frugal, I would hate.

DH however would love it, he's a homebody and gets satisfaction from tidying up and having everything clean.

There's a big difference between not liking the drag of having to get up every morning and go to work (or WFH in my case) and actually wanting the other option. After a day or two of not going out I'm going stir crazy and want to go somewhere. Even if we've only gone to the local town for a few weeks in a row I start getting antsy and need some novelty or variety.

I wonder if it’s because you have moved around a lot maybe? People who move away from home for work end up making friends who are in the same situation as them with similar outlooks. I think if you stay near your home area you see people you went to school with, their families etc, and see how their lives are going, which is probably more representative of the general population. Unless you went to Eton.

Thats my current theory on how some people have such a wide ranging group of aquaintances.

For the best I suspect

Taken in isolation, clarifying the relative was female is odd and nothing more

but in conjunction with the fact that patently the op had been going through his messages…

I can't see how moving in with your inlaws is alone time for you and your DH. He should have said no to the idea in the first place. So he is now stuck there till after the birth. You need to rethink this.

Well if you’d read the OP’s posts you’d see that the in laws aren’t there, they’re abroad.

TBH, that does sound pretty boring. I know that’s not what you want to hear.

So it's not the social highlight of his life, does it matter? I mean he's done the right thing, had a private moan, slapped a smile on his face and got on with it.

I'm just surprised how many people would hate a chilled weeks break with their partner without being able to go and see friends for relief.

It’s not likely to be a week though… they’ve headed off to the parents house a couple of weeks before the due date, and the majority of first babies are born past their due date. It could be 3-4 weeks in total.
I’d be quite happy to spend a few weeks in the country with my DH, but some people are extroverts and need more social interaction than that. It sounds like the OP’s partner may be one of those people.

She said they came up at 39 weeks, and the majority of first babies are born not on time, certainly not two weeks late! Mine was 12 days late and they were supposed to induce at 10, and I’ve not met anyone who’s been as late except friends parents ie women who had babies 40 years ago. Realistically it might be as much as two weeks. Do I think it’s a weird, even dumb plan, to go so far from your healthcare? Absolutely. Do I think he’s a hero for coping with living somewhere a bit isolated while working remotely so his days are full like usual? Not one teeny tiny bit. Also, his wife has been pregnant for 9 months, this hero can suck up two weeks. What fun things does he think he will be doing every evening while there’s a tiny baby to look after and an exhausted wife at home? Hopefully just about nothing because there’s a family to look after, or he’s another shitty dad and partner.

He is sucking it up, op is just miffed that he’s not enjoying it as much as she is.
You can’t police someone else’s feelings.

YANBU
It may be lovely and relaxing for you but it's not for him. It's your family home, not his. Most people would be bored at their girlfriend's parents.

Meant YABU.