DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

[LaniJen]

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

I’d just chalk this up to one of those awkward situations where you read a message about yourself/not meant for you. He might be bored, but he is there and it’s not for long, so is it that big a deal? If you do it again in future then maybe you can choose a different way, but I’d just accept that it’s not what he would choose but you’re there now and it’s just for a relatively short period. I don’t think there’s a need to overthink it.

Personally I have the kind of relationship with DH where I could just easily say ‘Whoops, accidentally saw message from X when sorting your Bluetooth, I didn’t realise you were bored! What can we do?’ And we would have a chat about it.

OP, enjoy your relaxing time before the baby is born, I’m sure you’ll both look back and laugh at the idea of sitting around getting bored when you’ve got a toddler on the go 24/7.
It’s a tense time waiting for the first one, you don’t know what’s going to happen, but it’s coming! I did jigsaws, I was fidgety and bored and uncomfortable, but I have never had the time (or ability to keep one from getting ruined by children) since then.

He probably is bored. Tell him to suck it up and watch a box set.

Well, yes. Most people spend the time doing all the things you won’t be doing for quite a while after the baby arrives - eating out, cinema/theatre/gigs (whatever you usually do), meeting friends in the pub, etc.
Cocooning yourselves away is the very last thing on most people’s minds, I find it so odd.

Three days before my first was born, 4 weeks early though, I was in charge of a major regatta at the sailing club, as I had stopped racing at 6 months it was assumed I would be Officer of the Day every weekend! My waters broke the following day and I was made to stay in hospital so I marked the end of term exam papers from the job I'd left a couple of weeks earlier and wrote my piece for the local paper about the Regatta! Such a 'special time', having a baby was almost a rest cure!

I had my oldest nearly 32 years ago. I'm sure back in the day we just got on with it and grabbed every chance to be sociable. The bubble would be too much for me. Maybe it is for your dh.

I do mean this with kindness but maybe that’s not what he wants before the baby comes. Maybe he feels he needs some space and freedom before everything changes and things currently feel a bit suffocating.

It should be ok for you both to try and have what you need right now. Find a balance.

Thank fuck your special time wasn't a euphemism for sex

I'd rather being doing that that sitting around doing nothing honestly (and I am damn sure DH would!). I mentioned upthread that I went into labour a few hours after a spicy soup at a dinner, I forgot to mention that we also had some nice sex that night, which also may have had something to do with it!

I’m imagining that episode of SATC when Miranda and Steve go on honeymoon and she’s struggling with all the romance, sex and no TV or phone signal. 😄

If you had stayed at your own house, what would he be doing differently?

Little bubble, reminds me of lockdown! Urghh!

What do you mean by focus on each other? It just sounds like a boring holiday for you that meets your needs but not his.

remember that for men, literally nothing changes whilst they await the birth of their child. You’re the one growing the child, not him, so he isn’t going to need a “break” to “slow down” and “relax” as such. He’s already relaxed, he isn’t fatigued, and taking time to sit around and chat is boring?

It does sound a bit boring to me, sorry! Why do you need to ‘soak up’ couple time? Are you a new couple? Do you not feel secure as a couple? Now is the time to go and do things, see some shows, have some fancy dinners. When the baby arrives you are going to be stuck at home with only each other for company - so much couple time! Have some excitement whilst you can!

If he has a box set lol. They’re probably at home.

How is he in a little bubble if he’s still at work?

He works remotely. He’s not even allowed out of the bubble to go to work.

Oh I see, full on bubble.

I would hate this, sorry. I am a very active, out and about type person. However, I do think your partner should have spoken to you or kept his phone messages better out of your sight. I can understand why you feel a bit upset that he is not enjoying things the way you are, but honestly, I would let it go, because he is there for you regardless.

You're nesting. It's a hormonal, prebirth thing. In a couple of months you will look back on this notion of 'special time' and 'soaking it up as a couple' and cringe.

Your DH does not have these hormones making him want to nest and therefore is bored absolutely shitless and probably would rather be anywhere else except wasting his time off at his in laws house, doing nothing. Go easy on him.

Our bodies release these hormones for a reason. Namely to prevent us killing or abandoning our offspring. I could really do with some more tbh Without them, you too would be bored and stir crazy by now.

If that's what you want to do then go for it. The average first time baby is born 8 days after EDD so you still have at least 2 weeks. It's great you are creating just the atmosphere you want, and taking control of your birth. It's a very important time for you and it sounds like you have created a cosy environment for a successful home birth. Ignore those on here who don't understand about homebirth and oxytocin in birth.

The only thing I will say is if your husband wants to go out for a bit, to see friends or visit the office, he should go, just to balance your needs. You are enjoying this time but he doesn't have to. It's not a reflection on spending time with you, probably more the environment and being away from home
You would both be doing the things you enjoy whilst it's easy to do. So have you already got everything done in your house that you need to do? Meals prepped etc?

YABU way to OTT go home and just get on with it.

Sirely you can just talk to him about the message you saw and explain it’s upset you and why?!

I love that episode!!!!

It's so funny when she's in the woods and she hears some rustling and then makes some kind of irritated comment to Carrie on the phone that she hopes it's not Steve about to jump out the bushes to try and have sex with her again 😂

It's one of my favourite episodes.....and sums up this thread perfectly!!!

Have you got a source for that? I've never heard of it before. DD was born at 39 +1.

He probably is bored. Tell him to suck it up and watch a box set.

He doesn't need to be told to suck it up - he's clearly already doing that because OP had no idea he wasn't loving this arrangement as much as she was until she chose to open a private conversation on his phone. The partner has been dutifully putting aside his own preferences and prioritizing those of his 39 week-pregnant partner.

OP needs to accept that this likely isn't what he wanted and that's ok - he's a whole separate person and isn't extremely pregnant, so it's expected that he isn't necessarily going to have the same feelings and preferences. He shouldn't have to apologize for that or feel guilty for having feelings that don't fit the dream OP has. There's absolutely no conversation that needs to happen about his boredom unless OP wants to (genuinely) offer to change the plan to suit them both instead of just her. Focus on how his behavior reflects his care and priorities right now instead of trying to control his feelings.

Yeah i wouldn't be happy with that set up at all either if I was your OH.. it might be the perfect place for you to relax, be in your bubble and give birth, but it obviously isn't for him.
He should have spoken up though to be fair