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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

512 replies

LaniJen · 21/09/2025 14:15

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

OP posts:
PollyBell · 22/09/2025 08:19

So he is not allowed to relax in his own home and have to do everything you dictate, he is not a performing seal

And how my is we and how much is you?

aCatCalledFawkes · 22/09/2025 08:25

I think what you have planned is a nice idea but it possibly sounds a little drawn out. Those last few weeks of pregnancy can really drag out so he might be wondering why you needed to be there for such a long time before.

ThatBlackCat · 22/09/2025 08:37

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 07:58

Because I suspect that her husband would very much love to see friends but the OP wants to cut him off and have him all to herself.

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She doesn't have him to herself though, they aren't alone, the MIL is hanging like a bad smell. Most men would rather pull their teeth out with a knife than stay with their MIL.

ThatBlackCat · 22/09/2025 08:41

Twistedfirestarters · 22/09/2025 07:22

You know what this grown man could have done if he didn't like the plan or was actually finding it boring after agreeing to it? He could have spoken to his wife rather than whinge to his family.

That's the bit I'd be pissed about if I was the op. It's fine for him to be bored but just talk to her for god's sake!!

By the sound of the OP, she's in her own delusional self-absorbed bubble and isn't paying attention to anyone or anything around her but herself. I doubt she would listen to him, sadly. She seems to have not considered his needs or wants at all! Staying in someone else's house and having them constantly hanging around is anyone's idea of a nightmare, it's not remotely relaxing. Relaxing is being in your own home.

DeathStare · 22/09/2025 08:42

ThatBlackCat · 22/09/2025 08:37

She doesn't have him to herself though, they aren't alone, the MIL is hanging like a bad smell. Most men would rather pull their teeth out with a knife than stay with their MIL.

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You've not read the whole thread have? Probably best to do so before correcting other people 🤣 Her parents are abroad

ThatBlackCat · 22/09/2025 08:47

DeathStare · 22/09/2025 08:42

You've not read the whole thread have? Probably best to do so before correcting other people 🤣 Her parents are abroad

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NM

CasperGutman · 22/09/2025 09:00

I agree with everyone else that he's probably not feeling the cosy nesting instinct like you are, plus being in someone else's home is much less restful than being in your own comfortable space.

But could it also be that he doesn't want to make it sound too good to his employees/colleagues? He may be feeling very aware that he isn't contributing as much at work as he usually would be, and that this will happen a lot more when the baby arrives. It would be understandable if he didn't want them to feel like he's living it up while they're holding the fort.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/09/2025 09:46

he might find that place a bit boring that’s ok.
you want to rest and nest, he doesn’t have the same hormones. You can tell him you saw it and ask for some reassurance. Or you can accept it’s ok for him to feel a bit bored when you’re not doing much.

RampantIvy · 22/09/2025 09:52

I'm not sure the OP will be back as most replies are team husband. I suspect he is suffering from cabin fever when he would rather make the most of his freedom before the baby is born.

Enigma54 · 22/09/2025 09:57

Maybe OP has gone into labour?

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 10:01

Enigma54 · 22/09/2025 09:57

Maybe OP has gone into labour?

Or having a sneaky look through her husband’s messages whilst he’s taking a shower

Enigma54 · 22/09/2025 10:03

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 10:01

Or having a sneaky look through her husband’s messages whilst he’s taking a shower

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That wouldn’t be a good idea!
It’s never wise to pry!

KilkennyCats · 22/09/2025 10:13

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/09/2025 09:46

he might find that place a bit boring that’s ok.
you want to rest and nest, he doesn’t have the same hormones. You can tell him you saw it and ask for some reassurance. Or you can accept it’s ok for him to feel a bit bored when you’re not doing much.

What reassurance is he expected to offer, fgs? He’s bored, but he’s readily doing what she wants without quibble.
Why isn’t that enough for her?

Didimum · 22/09/2025 10:33

Since your DH has not complained to you, I think it's fine to let him have his feelings – we don't always enjoy the same things. He's likely just missing home. I can understand it's disappointing for you though.

Didimum · 22/09/2025 10:35

KilkennyCats · 22/09/2025 10:13

What reassurance is he expected to offer, fgs? He’s bored, but he’s readily doing what she wants without quibble.
Why isn’t that enough for her?

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The reassurance could be that it's simply the home/area, and that he's not bored stiff by being his wife. That's a hurtful thing to read no matter how you try to dress it up.

ExitPursuedByABare · 22/09/2025 12:36

The whole notion sounds grim to me. Special time. Focussing on each other. Eek. No thanks.

JudgeJ · 22/09/2025 13:21

Todayismyfavouriteday · 22/09/2025 01:54

Also, He might want to do more fun things, and see friends, while he still has no crying baby at night to keep you both up. Like others have said, hopefully you don't have this romantic idea of what giving birth and motherhood will be like...

It seems that some people like the OP have bought into the Instagram version of a perfect life, a bit like the stupid adverts on TV, and in some cases the reality can be quite a shock.

JudgeJ · 22/09/2025 13:21

Didimum · 22/09/2025 10:35

The reassurance could be that it's simply the home/area, and that he's not bored stiff by being his wife. That's a hurtful thing to read no matter how you try to dress it up.

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Then don't snoop on his phone!

ladyofshertonabbas · 22/09/2025 13:29

I love my other half, but do get bored staying at his in the middle of nowhere- it's no reflection of my feelings for him. Maybe he wanted to spend the last child free days being out and about, before a baby limits what you can do.

Didimum · 22/09/2025 13:30

JudgeJ · 22/09/2025 13:21

Then don't snoop on his phone!

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Nowhere did I say she should have, but the cats out the bag now.

Zezet · 22/09/2025 13:57

RawBloomers · 22/09/2025 07:03

You claimed picking the hospital wasn’t a comment on one’s home because you did so because it’s safer. So now claiming the safety of a hospital isn’t relevant seems like you’re back tracking.

OP picked the place she felt most comfortable at giving birth, as do women who pic hospitals - they are all saying they prefer this other place to their own homes. Why would that be a terrible thing to say about your own homes? Almost no one builds their home with a view to the handful of days in their life when they are going to give birth.

It’s not even as though it’s terrible to think that another home mu=ight be cozier than your for a short time. Many people go away every year to a stay in other houses they make their own for a week or two and find cozy/romantic/special. DH and I go away several times a year and stay in homes that are nicer in some ways than our own home. We aren’t communicating anything negative about our home, which we’ve made as suitable for our everyday life as we can, we’re simply enjoying something a bit different for a short while in circumstances that are different from our normal life.

Having a go at a woman for a made up fault is nasty. It wasn’t to do with whether her DH was reasonable to be bored or not. It was just a criticism of the OP for liking her parents house - something she hadn’t asked about at all and which wasn’t relevant to boredom.

Also, heavily pregnant women are dealing with a tonne of hormones that can make keeping things in perspective more difficult. So the emotional maturity dig in your post was uncalled for too. But then you’re defending Bulbsbulbsbulbs nasty post, so it’s not surprising you post in the same vein.

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I am saying it's not the facts that matter but the perspectives. That's not back-tracking, that's clarifying what I mean when I say prefering hospital over home for (perceived) safety is not the safe as prefering home over home, which is not about (perceived) safety.

And yes, several posters here are saying that it is weird to prefer someone else's home over your own.

And her boredom might not be linked to it, but as dozens of posts have pointed her, her husband's boredom is very likely to have to do with it! So it is right up there in terms of relevance.

Hormones are about what you feel. Emotional maturity is how you filter what you feel to how you act. No-one is blaming her for what she feels. But many are telling her that she should filter what she tells her husband about her feelings, as he is not doing anything wrong.

That's not nasty, that's simply pointing out what many here have pointed out.

Tillow4ever · 22/09/2025 14:11

@LaniJenwhy did you put in your OP that the relative was female? That really stood out to me (and the made up reason for checking his phone). What relation is she? Are we talking a direct relation or an in-law or very distant cousin twice removed? Are you suspicious of why he is messaging her?

ThatBlackCat · 22/09/2025 14:49

Tillow4ever · 22/09/2025 14:11

@LaniJenwhy did you put in your OP that the relative was female? That really stood out to me (and the made up reason for checking his phone). What relation is she? Are we talking a direct relation or an in-law or very distant cousin twice removed? Are you suspicious of why he is messaging her?

She didn't check his phone. She saw the messages flash across the screen as his phone was being plugged in to charge.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:49

ThatBlackCat · 22/09/2025 14:49

She didn't check his phone. She saw the messages flash across the screen as his phone was being plugged in to charge.

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Nah

She checked it 😆

and it had nothing to do with charging it was about Bluetooth

Tillow4ever · 22/09/2025 15:20

ThatBlackCat · 22/09/2025 14:49

She didn't check his phone. She saw the messages flash across the screen as his phone was being plugged in to charge.

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Bull fucking shit. The fact she mentioned “female” in the OP tells me she was checking it. Unless we get clarity on that relationship though, we don’t know if the OP is being paranoid or whether actually the relative is his cousins wife and actually she should be worried (as she would have been checking for a reason).

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