Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

Yes, he drinks at 11pm when he gets in. Then falls asleep on the sofa. If the TV is on I have to get up, go down and turn it off, or we get complaints from neighbours (texts to MY phone). We do have a timer - he forgets to set it! Then I'm woken again at 5am when he comes to bed. Then my alarm goes off at 6.30am for work. ALLLLL of that is seemingly okay - but my light snoring is not. Seems fair.

No, he never drinks during the day.

I’d be more concerned about his drinking than anything else tbh.

You have options here. Don’t do his washing, don’t make his dinner, or clear up after him. If nothing else it might grab his attention after a few days. In my experience actions ( or lack of them ) can highlight problems more effectively than all the talking.

We’ve been in separate rooms for a year or so due to my snoring. I love it, no getting woken in the night and trying to stay awake to let him sleep. No guilt especially as there was nothing I could do to stop the snoring, no alcohol issues, not overweight etc.
No festering resentment in the morning and both of us get an uninterrupted night. He now complains that he wakes for toilet breaks but fortunately I can’t help with that!
I love having my own space too.

Just because you have ‘always said something’ doesn’t mean it is correct or true. You are clearly incompatible sleepers, with both of you negatively impacting the other’s sleep, putting a massive strain on your relationship.

Separate bedrooms sounds like the only thing that could save your relationship. You say you have plenty of money - use that to buy another new bedframe and excellent mattress for the spare room and then you can both sleep brilliantly.

Sort your spare room out seriously it will be so much better in the long run.

You need separate bedrooms.

And he needs help for his alcohol consumption.

I think sorting out the spare room and sleeping in there sounds the best solution to the sleep issues. Make yourself a lovely, comfortable space where you can shut the door and not be disturbed by his early rising or snoring or coming to bed late.
I will say, snoring is absolute HELL to live with and I'll admit to occasionally swearing about it in the early hours and waking DH up. I love him so much, but if he lays on his back it's torture and even when putting my head under the pillow I can feel the vibrations of the snores. I can't just lay there and put up with it or I don't sleep at all. We dont even have a spare room or I'd be in it. It's obviously not something he chooses to do, but it is awful. He now has an anti snore pillow which seems to have helped a bit.

I too was woken at 3:30am by dh telling me I was snoring, I’d only gotten into bed at 1am after work, he was polite about it tho. However he knows I have had a shit week of sleeping due to a mix of my body clock being upside down due to shift work and peri meno insomnia hitting me.
Today is my 5th shift in work (10/12hr shifts) and I have overtime tomo night too whereas he’s just had a long w/end of 4 days off, I honestly think he could have just endured my snoring and let me sleep given he’s not in work today. I think I’ve had about 4hrs broken sleep and it’s been the same all week.
He too was snoring a bit after waking me to tell me I was snoring!!
Off to work shortly with eye bags and looking like the walking dead meanwhile he’s still in bed, wish we had a spare room …

I was going to post the exact same final sentence. If you have money do up the spare room and agree that whoever is struggling to sleep because of the other’s snoring moves in there instead. So last night that would have been him.

if you have plenty of money and exciting retirement plans I would also suggest talking to him about getting ‘retirement ready’ eg healthier. Cut down on drinking, become a bit more active and eat better. Maybe even look into weight loss injections as these can also reduce desire for alcohol. Otherwise one of you might not have good enough health for you to really enjoy retirement.

The sleep issue aside, how happy is your marriage generally?

This kind of anger towards you just for snoring sounds a bit extreme unless your DH is unhappy generally in his relationship with you & it's symptomatic of an underlying frustration.

I think you need to sleep in separate bedrooms but also have a long talk about how things are between you.

I wonder if your reluctance to sleep separately is because deep down you are scared that your marriage isn't all it should be - just sleeping separately in a happy marriage wouldn't "signify the end" of it.

But circumstances change. You can’t hold yourself to something you said decades ago when your husband wasn’t a snoring alcoholic.

You both need to go to your GP as a starting point.

Sleep apnea and snoring leading to poor sleep patterns have serious long term detriments to health especially cardiovascular. There are various options to consider re improving your breathing at night, but your GP needs to talk to you as you've both got a problem. They will consider medical, lifestyle, diet and other factors as they can all play into this issue,

dont dismiss the severity of this problem. Yes its worth sleeping in separate beds but that masks the underlying health issues that need attention,

My husband used to say separate bedrooms was the beginning of the end. We are now sleeping in separate rooms and happier than ever. Because what will kill your relationship faster than separate beds is seething resentment and mutual exhaustion. Use the Snorelab app to record him at night for a few weeks and then discuss. But it also sounds like there’s more issues than just the practicalities of bedroom set up to prioritise sleep.

Separate bedrooms is the only solution. I know of several long and happy marriages where couples have slept apart (it used to be only poor people who'd have to share beds). Plus a conversation about alcohol seems overdue.

That’s so funny ‘beginning of the end’ 😂my parents have separate bedrooms and are married 50+ years.

What about people on shift work, should they all break up?

It sounds to me like the beginning of the end is the snoring!

Get the second bedroom up to the same standard and both get some sleep. Last to bed gets the spare room. Use the two bedrooms
without shaming anyone. Sleep deprivation is a torture tool and will make sure your relationship is soured in the day as well as overnight.

No one chooses to snore and in fact it can result in inadequate non restful sleep for the snorer as well. Snoring of that level could indicate sleep apnoea and both of these things have health implications that may spoil your retirement plans so need considering.

We have separate bedrooms with very good comfortable beds in them. We have done it for years. It doesn’t impact on our marriage at all. We both snore or have periods of not sleeping well.
Your husband drinks too much and that is an issue.

Sleeping in separate beds and bot having a good night sleep is the beginning of the end. But neither of you getting any sleep ro the point where you have to swear in the middle of night or just to suck it up and not sleep is a sign of a healthy marriage?

And adding to that his alcoholism, lack of personal care and lack of sex.

You have 2 spare rooms so make a decision chose which one is the best.New bed make it a lovely calm space.You say money is not a problem.He sounds awful but that is your choice to stay or leave but if you think lovely holidays and retirement plans are worth his awful behaviour get on with it. You can chose how you live.

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end.

you need to compartmentalise the "separate beds" thing with the fact you both need to get checked out by your GP and potentially a sleep analysis is needed. Try not to catastoohise, look at the current situation with a degree of impartiality ie we need to sort this out because it has medical impacts.

if your DH is a heavy drinker, that's dreadful for good quality sleep and breathing because alcohol relaxes the muscles in the throat and breathing apparatus and causes the epiglottis to rattle and the oesophageal area to lose muscle tone hence snoring. He needs to control his drinking!

Well OP, do you want to be right or do you want to find a solution?

Relationship-wise, you need a conversation about how the snoring and the dynamics around it are impacting both of you; how last night made you feel and the potential damage it will do to your relationship if not jointly tackled.

Practically:
You both need to lose weight / cut down on booze/ go to the GP/ try nasal strips, ear plugs, side sleeper pillows etc as necessary.

If you’re existing on about 4hrs sleep a night and fasting/dieting u must be wrecked. At least you are trying to make changes for the better for both of you.
it must feel like there is no end in sight but there is, hang on in and look after yourself 💐

💐

I don’t understand how you can think sleeping in separate beds is the beginning of the end, but the behaviour that is already happening isn’t.

You’re both cutting your noses off to spite your face.

You will both be miserable because neither of you are getting any decent sleep.

Have separate rooms to sleep.
You can still go in with each other for sex or cuddles.
Maybe share on the weekend and sleep separate during the week.

You’ll both feel so much better and have a better relationship for being able to sleep.