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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

446 replies

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 04:48

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 21/09/2025 08:43

DysmalRadius · 21/09/2025 04:53

Could you two have separate rooms? You don't sound very compatible as bed sharers.

This. My parents were the same. Having separate rooms, if you have them (sorry, not rtft) really can work wonders. Although it does sound like this one issue might just be the tip of the iceberg in your relationship.

Gallopingfanjo · 21/09/2025 08:43

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 05:56

What on earth?

I was WIDE awake at this point, having laid there for a full hour staring at the ceiling. The spare room currently has stuff all over the bed, because no one sleeps in there. Had I started moving all that about at 4am, it would have woken our dogs, who would have barked and woken the neighbours both sides.

So by all means question why I didn't just de-camp, rather than ASSUME I'm passive aggressive??

He has made himself a bacon sandwich and is happily munching on that before work. I'm so fucking ANGRY that I've just had a cry. I think it's the way he woke me up that stings. No one wants to be woken by someone swearing about them. On holiday he actually woke me up by punching my pillow inches from my face. I feel unloved and uncared for.

Show quote history

Don’t worry, he’ll be dead from excess alcohol soon.

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 08:43

I don't despise him. I am super angry with him in this moment. And I'm not feeling very loved. And yes, the pillow punching was on holiday, with no requirement to get up early. And I've no idea why he was even awake after 2 bottles of wine, ffs.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 21/09/2025 08:43

Also - get a timer plug for the telly so it goes off at midnight or 1am say, and no one has to remember to turn it off.

redfairy · 21/09/2025 08:43

Maybe you don't have to start with separate rooms. Can you invest some money in making the spare room comfy with a decent mattress and bedding and then agree that whichever one of you is disturbed decamps without complaint. It's your choice to get up and turn off the tv. Just leave him to it but if he comes up to bed late he should go into the spare room.

Electrotrinco · 21/09/2025 08:45

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 07:24

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end. So whilst we could do it, we both know it would be signifying something. That said, there's no fucking way I could be in the same bed as him tonight. So some fucker is moving.

You don’t have sex - what exactly will it be ending if you sleep in separate rooms?

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 21/09/2025 08:45

Why is not sharing a bed 'the beginning of the end'? If anything it is a good thing. You are making sure you re both rested and can be good partners to each other. Lack of sleep is torture for both and you both, inadvertently, disturb each other as you are both snorers.

Newname71 · 21/09/2025 08:46

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/09/2025 05:34

How is separate bedrooms the beginning of the end and resenting each other for something you both can't help not?

I don't understand the obsession with sleeping together when it means lying awake resenting the other person.

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I’d happily have separate rooms, I don’t understand why it’s the beginning of the end for some people. Sleep is important. Unfortunately DS’s best mate was made homeless and is in our spare room so sending DH in there is a pipe dream now 😂

DarkForces · 21/09/2025 08:47

My dh snores unless he sleeps in one position. It's absolutely infuriating to sleep next to and after the second time last night I was pretty annoyed too. I'd be happy to sleep apart but he hates the idea. Took me forever to get back to sleep and now I have to get up and face the day on too little again.

DramaLlamacchiato · 21/09/2025 08:48

AnOldCynic · 21/09/2025 05:14

YABU for not waking him when he snores, don’t be such a martyr. He is BU for drinking so much in one sitting and going to bed drunk which is probably the cause of his snoring.

Separate bedrooms are not the end of the world so you are both BU on that point. Both of you need to act to find out the cause of the snoring and deal with it.

This

Bladderpool · 21/09/2025 08:48

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 07:24

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end. So whilst we could do it, we both know it would be signifying something. That said, there's no fucking way I could be in the same bed as him tonight. So some fucker is moving.

You need to get over the self imposed stigma of separate rooms. It doesn’t mean “the beginning of the end” anywhere except inside your head.

Meanwhile you’re lying next to a drunk, snoring slob, fuming and crying when you could be fast asleep in your own comfy, beautiful sanctuary across the hall. Nuts.

NoisyLittleOtter · 21/09/2025 08:49

DarkForces · 21/09/2025 08:47

My dh snores unless he sleeps in one position. It's absolutely infuriating to sleep next to and after the second time last night I was pretty annoyed too. I'd be happy to sleep apart but he hates the idea. Took me forever to get back to sleep and now I have to get up and face the day on too little again.

Why is it his decision?

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 08:50

Because ongoing excessive alcohol will cause insomnia contrary to popular belief it doesn't actually help with real or good sleep. Eventually he'll be in a cycle of sleeplessness and this will get worse unless he cuts down. Its also a long term depressant.

atamlin · 21/09/2025 08:50

Sleep in separate beds? I’ve always done this (although I always have at least one child in with me).

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 08:51

My DD's room actually has lots of my stuff in there now, piled on the bed, ready for a trip. If I put him in there, he's so slap dash he will trample all over my stuff. We do actually have another spare room with a daybed in it, which is super comfy. I'll just have to move a few bits out, like the clothes horse. I'm going to arrange that today and sleep in there for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
spicetails · 21/09/2025 08:52

Film him snoring next time and shame the selfish bastard

Retiredfromearlyyears · 21/09/2025 08:53

I'm sorry but I think there are bigger issues at play here. He come in at 11pm and drinks a full bottle of wine. You also say in addition he drinks
through the day at times too. Alcohol is really disruptive to normal sleep patterns. Sounds like that's partly what's impacting on both of you. Try to sleep separately for now but I think a chat about your husbands wine intake may be in order.

DarkForces · 21/09/2025 08:53

NoisyLittleOtter · 21/09/2025 08:49

Why is it his decision?

Show quote history

Because he's an excellent partner in pretty much every way and it really matters to him. Although now I've started getting hot flushes he's the least of my sleep issues!

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/09/2025 08:54

Separate bedrooms is fantastic! It's not "the beginning of the end". My DH and I have had our own rooms for decades. It's actually very romantic.

TwinklyWrinkly · 21/09/2025 08:55

Goodness gracious, your posts have made me sad and frustrated. So much of your problems could be sorted by sitting down and having a good old chinwag. And by you stopping being such a quietly resentful martyr.

You say for the most part your marriage is good. Excellent, that's a good place to start. Sit your husband down and really explain your frustrations. I suspect for a start he has no real clue that you really want him to leave the bed back to air every day. Very few men would! If you have loads of money, then buy a nice new bed for the spare room. You'd be surprised at how many very happily married couples sleep in separate rooms. It's literally a marriage saver not a breaker. You are both understandably frustrated with the other due to broken sleep and this is so easily solved.

As for the washing, pots, lights, TV issues, that's not your problem to solve, you are taking upon yourself to do it and then seethe. If it disturbs the neighbours, that's on your husband, if he runs out of pants, not your problem.

PLEASE, sit him down and TALK.

TimeForRadio · 21/09/2025 08:55

Did he try and wake you a few times gently first before getting frustrated and that’s why he swore?

We have had separate rooms due to snoring for a few years since we were 50 and it’s fine. It sounds like you both need to overhaul your lifestyle. It sounds very unhealthy with all the drinking and junk food etc.

And if you had a bit of sleep, then you will be fine despite waking at 313. It’s possible to manage with less as a one-off. That’s enough sleep just to get through one day and you will sleep well tonight. Don’t make it into a huge deal and make your day even worse.

incognitomouse · 21/09/2025 08:55

I know I am just regurgitating now, but I'm in such a bad mood. I wouldn't mind a gentle nudge, but a loud "FUCK'S SAKE" shouted into the night.... just makes me feel really unloved if I'm honest.

You sound like a precious princess. How can that make you feel "really unloved". You don't have to like it or accept it but that's a bit dramatic.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 21/09/2025 08:55

Honestly, I think once you take the plunge you will be amazed! Try it tonight and let us know how you get on.
Ive got a newborn and two toddlers so an undisturbed sleep doesn't exist for me, but theyre so cute they get away with it lol. But at least its not dp disturbing my sleep. Im a really light sleeper and he sleeps like the dead, he would drive me mad and id get far too hot.

Biscuitsneeded · 21/09/2025 08:55

As someone who has long been on the other side of this, you don't know how many times he has gently whispered 'sh!' or quietly whispered 'please can you turn over' before he's cracked! My DP's snoring made me DESPERATE, and some nights it would be 4am before I managed to get to sleep, and I have to get up at 5.30! Yes, sometimes there was swearing and he took offence, but he didn't understand quite how bad it was. Start the night in the same bed, but agree that if either of you is kept awake by the other one snoring, you quietly move to the other room with no swearing and no attempt to wake up the other.

Loopylou7219 · 21/09/2025 08:55

In my own experience, being kept awake through snoring really is awful and so frustrating even though you know it's "not their fault" and at 3am when it's been relentless I can understand swearing and asking you to turn over tbh. Very different slant though if he snores equally as much! Can you have separate beds?

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