Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

DP snores like a train when he drinks and we've agreed he'll never sleep in with me if he's has alcohol. He's also lost around a stone to reduce the risk of snoring overall and improve his health.

I definitely have woken him by swearing possibly a shove or kick when I was out of my mind needing sleep.

We're much happier since agreeing a plan.

Def worth discussing his drinking as well, that's a crazy amount of wine to put away alone after work.

If you want to save your marriage:

• you both have to discuss and agree you want to save your marriage
• he has to agree to eat healthier and reduce alcohol
• get over the separate bedrooms barrier in your mind, invest in a great bed and do up the spare room for him. Frame it as a positive step among other things both of you are doing to be more considerate.
• make an effort to spend evenings together and show love and affection even if you’re in separate rooms.

Double sleep deprivation in the couple will make both of you irrational, irritable, frustrated and reduces your ability to show affection and solve the problem calmly. It’s a vicious cycle.

For the sake of our marriage, DH and I took separate rooms. We still love each other and have a healthy marriage in all other aspects. But his snoring was absolutely killing me.

For further context, he's upset numerous friends when sharing hotel rooms etc, and all have refused to ever share a room with him again.

He once slept on a mates sofa and his wife has banned him from ever sleeping there again 😆

He's tried ALL the snoring aids. He's not overweight. He just has a 'loose' top palate apparently, according to a doctor. He was offered an operation, but there were no guarantee it would stop the snoring and it could leave him with eating issues.

So it got to a stage where it was ether sleep apart or divorce. Because I actually felt murderous from sleep deprivation at some points. It was worse than having a crying newborn, because at least with a baby you know its temporary and they grow out of it eventually!

And the more people Ive spoken to about this IRL, I've realised separate rooms is actually very common for this exact reason.

Um no. You’re missing the point. Snoring when you’re trying to sleep is extremely horrible. To say he shouldn’t wake you… it’s selfish. But he could wake you gently

could you both take steps to reduce the snoring? Alcohol is obviously a big cause of snoring, but also being overweight can cause it, and some long term medications.

So he had to get up early for work and couldnt sleep - puts a slightly different spin on it.

Separate beds.

Snoring is the absolute worst. You CANNOT sleep by someone who snores.

What are you going to do? I could put up with that for 0 nights.

I wake my husband up if he snores and ask him to roll onto his side - he is so loud when he snores it wakes me up and I could never go back to sleep. He’s fine with that/ has told me to. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to do that (although without the swearing!!)

I’m pretty sure you’re already past the beginning of the end and this untenable sleeping situation is only exacerbating it.

Added to the fact there’s clearly so much else going on - it sounds like he does little around the house either and you’re seething with resentment, neither of you have much respect for each other overall.

Just because you’ve both internalised some idea that separate bedrooms means something bad doesn’t mean it will be bad. Surely both of you having a space where you can both get a good sleep isn’t going to make it worse, plus not like you’re having sex and peaceful sleeping now is it?

I swore at my husband last night for his snoring too. I always wake him if he's snoring. Don't care if I am unreasonable! I need to sleep too and separate bedrooms is not an option.

There are things you can do to alleviate snoring. I found losing weight very affective in stopping my own.

Honestly what a lot of drama.
I frequently move to the spare room if DH snores and have told him to do likewise.
Ridiculous to have all this drama when you have a completely viable solution when it happens. You’re both being ridiculous.

Separate rooms! This used to be us…all night him snoring, me getting stroppy through lack of sleep, him getting stroppy because I’d disturbed his snoring. Snoring is like water torture to me, there is no sound that enrages me more 😬

Not controversial. Sleeping in the same bed day in day out is one of those 'emperors new clothes' things imo. It is insane and disgusting and no one likes it. Sure, romantic initially, but in the long term, awful.

Married happily here, lucky enough to have a room each. Would divorce if forced to share a room...

It’s up to you how you want to interpret it but surely if you have a conversation about separate rooms with reassurance then you won’t both think it’s the end (unless that’s what you want). I know four couples in their 30s including me who sleep in separate rooms. I snore and my BF gets restless legs while he’s asleep. We still spend time in the morning or cuddle in one of the beds if we want to. Where we go to be unconscious hasn’t had a negative effect as we wouldn’t be doing anything in that time anyway. In fact it’s been positive as we get more sleep and aren’t moving around/lying there fuming at night

I think you're potentially missing the point a bit yourself. You say he knows that if he wakes you up you struggle to get back to sleep but he doesn't get a wink of sleep anyway unless he asks you to turn over. Is he just supposed to lay awake all night? I have this with my partner. I'm not laying awake all night while he's the only one getting any sleep. I ask him to turn over. You need to start waking him up if he snores. It's a two way street unfortunately.

I've worn these earplugs for over a decade due to my DH snoring. Sounds like both you and your DH should give them a go.

Search on amazon:

100 Pairs of Howard Leight Laser Lite Individually Wrapped Ear Plugs, Polyurethane

It's the double standards though isn't it? If I breathe heavily, it's okay to exclaim "FUCK'S SAKE" whilst rolling over as aggressively as possible, yanking the sheets, knowing it will wake me, knowing I won't get back to sleep, whereas if he snores in my face, that's just hunky dory.

He is NOT sleep deprived. He does 2 days shifts, where he has to be up at 515am, and he goes to bed at 830pm the night before. Then the next EIGHT days he gets to sleep as late as he likes, as he starts work very late and also has days off. He often ambles down at 10am, when I have been up since 630am.

I know I am just regurgitating now, but I'm in such a bad mood. I wouldn't mind a gentle nudge, but a loud "FUCK'S SAKE" shouted into the night.... just makes me feel really unloved if I'm honest.

He will be back here at 5pm, looking all tired after his long day, no doubt with the endless moaning about the workload. Then he will have to sit all night on the sofa recovering whilst I do EVERTHING. Yes, I could just cook my dinner and not his, but given that's not the norm by any stretch, it just ramps everything up a notch, doesn't it? It's not even practical to cook half the meal.

Breathe heavily? Give over love. You're snoring. We all do it. How is he not sleep deprived if he just lays awake all night listening to you snoring? Stop taking it so personally. You both snore. You both keep eachother awake. Start waking him up if he snores and not get all prissy about it if you're snoring like a freight train and get woken up yourself. Breathing heavily indeed 😂

I hate the sound of him waking you up by punching your pillow. That’s horrible. And on holiday too so presumably no need to get up at 5 am.

For me , my husband punching my pillow next to my face would be the end.

You have completely lost sight of what a loving, supportive marriage looks like. The way you talk about him is awful - all the lovely holidays and retirement plans don't make up for the fact that you clearly despise him.

OMG just get over yourselves and get separate rooms. Have a read of this

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/aug/16/rolled-over-why-did-married-couples-stop-sleeping-in-twin-beds

I love my husband and we have a great marriage 😜 but if my shoulder hurts/someone has a horrible cold/he's coming in late after a night out, one of us goes in the spare room. Not forever, just a few nights, but it helps sooo much.

You've created a total straw man in your head and now YOUR sleep is suffering because of it! Just look at the big picture!

Have you told him to nudge you round gently?
Why don't you roll him over when he is snoring in your face?
DH and I both have this - but he has never punched my pillow. That is a very alarming reaction.

Stop being a martyr. Just pick out the bits of washing you need and wash them. Leave his stuff. Text him and say you're meeting a friend for tea after work and will be back late. Let him sort out his own food. You really don't have to fall on your sword every day. Get a new mattress for the spare room if it's that bad or a mattress topper. Stop digging your heels in when solutions are available.
Ps, I wouldn't stay with a man who punched something right next to my face.

It's over, surely, OP, when he punches the pillow next to your head, or yells at you in the middle of the night? Let alone all the other shit.

Move the stuff off the spare bed today. Move your H's stuff into that room. Tell him he's sleeping in there from now on.

You say you're worried it's the beginning of the end. I think you're way past that point. You can't go on like this. And it's not safe sharing a bed with a man who gets angry and violent in the middle of the night.