Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

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Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

Then why not go to the spare room?

As someone who lives with a snorer. It is absolutely fucking horrendous. Like actually I’ve considered ending a 14 year relationship, 3 kids and a mortgage because I can not cope with it.
weve tried all sorts, currently a mouth guard is working. That was recommended by a special sleep consultant. Becuase my partner took what I was saying seriously eventually and did have investigations. The consultant recommended a specially made mouth guard but said they’re v expensive and so to try a cheaper one first. We went for snoreze and it is helping and so we are just going with that until it stops.
i think you both need to find some snoring solutions. Or separate rooms. But how do you expect him to get you to stop snoring without waking you up? And why are you just letting him continue snoring without trying to stop the snoring?! That doesn’t make you a martyr and
him the devil 🤷🏽‍♀️

Definitely separate rooms. DH and I have had separate rooms for 15 years or more and when we recently moved house, he suggested that maybe we should try sharing a room again. I point blank refused as I love the peace and quiet.

OP I have slept separately from my DH for years as I need a cold bedroom and he a warm one. Not the end of our marriage.

I think the first few comments you got were biased - he IS being unfair by waking you and his sleep habits overall sound grim.

You both sound unhappy. Bottle of wine alone at 11pm? You feelind squashed b/w DH and wall? Have a look at the big picture and try to find ways to improve things.

Jesus, why are you with him? I get you are angry, my DH and I sleep separate as he snores and i know i do sometimes, but you just sound nasty, resentful and bitter. No wonder he drinks.

I'm on the other side of this. Unless my husband sleeps on his side, he snores terribly and I really can't sleep. I have to roll him over. It's incredibly frustrating. You're upset about being woken up but he's probably been lying there seething about your snoring for hours!

I moved to the spare room at 1:40 due to DH coming back from the pub and so snoring loudly and refusing to turn onto his side (when sober he is pretty easy to turn with a hand under his shoulder). I then slept until 9am undisturbed.

DH used to get very upset with me for being irritated by him snoring, saying he couldn't help it, but also being upset if I moved beds. We had a proper discussion about it and he understood that the constant waking was harming me. He wedges himself on 4 pillows and that usually does the trick, but if he's been drinking it's sometimes not enough and it's now agreed that me moving at night is a practical response and not a comment on me hating him!

Separate bedrooms.
I think many relationships would be a lot healthier if each had their own bedroom.
I don't understand people that think it is 'taboo' or the 'beginning of the end.' Sleep is absolutely vital. Everyone I know who has tried it wished they did it years ago.

Just catching up on posts. Thanks so much for replies btw, I am taking on board.

I have just moved the clothes horse out of the room that has a day bed. The day bed in there is SO comfy. I've put fresh pillows on, moved my pyjamas, nightie, pillow spray, lip balm etc onto the bedside table in there. Moved my toothbrush out of the en suite and into the main bathroom. I will be in there tonight. It's actually comfier than our new mattress, which is insane given that it was really cheap by comparison. The only thing is, I can't pull the blinds down in there - long story, but they've been known to come off the wall (DH crap at DIY). I figure it doesn't matter as it'll be dark when I go to bed, and dark when I get up. Would have been a problem in the summer when it's light.

In a way I'm looking forward to an undisturbed nights sleep, without worrying about any noise that I make, but on the other hand it all feels a bit sad. 56 years old and sleeping on a single bed in a spare room. What a loser. 😥

Surely the beginning of the end is lack of closeness?

You don't have sex and you go to bed just waiting to be woken up now

He also doesn't appear to pull his weight around the home (who leaves dirty underpants on a radiator? Minging)

So I'd rather face all that after a good night's sleep

Moving into separate droops wouldn’t be the beginning of the end. That ship has sailed from everything you’ve posted.

It would simply be acknowledging that the end began a while back.

this relationship sounds terrible.

I don't think that makes you a loser- its a positive step. A temporary suggestion just for privacy you could put something temporary over the window? Then order a blind.

I agree. It seems very strange to me.

He is a functioning alcoholic drinking that much every night and being able to get up for work that early!!! He has a BIG problem that’s not just the snoring!

Your attitude towards sleeping in the other room is very strange and immature. So we’re all “losers” for getting our own space and a good nights sleep? I’m seriously losing sympathy for you.

Sounds like you both get on each others nerves either have separate bedrooms or split up.

For the sleep issues you definitely need separate bedrooms. Just the early mornings would be enough for me to move out, let alone the snoring. It doesn’t have to be the end, and TBH it doesn’t sound like sleeping in the same room is doing much for the relationship.

BUT, as others have said, you sound really unhappy. Maybe a very frank discussion and/ or trial separation might be in order?

You’re not a loser, this is a positive step.
I think it could massively improve your marriage as you will be less resentful of your DH.
Why not get the spare room ready with a new bed etc and coat of paint and make it a lovely new room for yourself?
Also if DH is “crap at DIY” can you not fit some new blinds? All men don’t have to be good at DIY. Or just pay a decorator to come and do both spare rooms? I would rather spend money on having a comfortable bedroom than a fancy holiday

I think separate bedrooms is the answer.

But I also think you could try to do something about your light sleeping and difficulty in getting back off, because it’s quite oppressive to tiptoe around the other person. That runs both ways of course!

I have a huge bag of yellow 3M ones off Amazon. They are the best, I’ve tried many.

My husband is a big snorer, I refuse to relinquish my sealy mattress, so the ear plugs are the compromise.

We work together and have to be up early so I choose not to wake him and sleep perfectly with ear plugs.

Also get the blinds sorted so that they work for you.

Stop being so dramatic and woe is me.
Your taking control of the situation and doing something about it.

It’s sounds really lovely actually xxx

It sounds like you need to sleep separately. I can't sleep with DH (he snores and moves suddenly lots in his sleep)
Sleeping together when it disturbs sleep is awful for relationships. You'll both be snappy, tired and resentful for something that's neither of your faults and just needs solving by sleeping separately.

Theres a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique…
If you've the option of separate rooms use it! You’ll perhaps be much nicer to each other after a regular good nights sleep.
As a side note - one of the happiest married couples I’ve ever come across still live in separate houses, let alone separate rooms!