To say DP should do nights as well as me even tho he works

[Abdican]

right so I don’t normally post on here I’ve been reading a bit but this is my first time posting sorry if it’s long

basically youngest is 2 and he still dont sleep through he wakes up 3 sometimes 4 times a night wanting a bottle and I’m always the one getting up cos DP says he has work and needs his sleep but then I’m still up at 6 doing school run and college run and sorting the others and I feel like a zombie half the time

I asked him last night if he could just do one of the wake ups so I can get a block of sleep and he went off on one saying he earns the money so I shouldnt be moaning but I don’t sit around all day I’m doing everything in the house as well plus I’ve got 5 kids to deal with and he just sits watching telly in the evenings

I’m so tired I can barely think straight AIBU to say he should be doing some of the nights as well even if he works or am I being unfair

Just wanted to sent virtual hugs as so many posters are being a bit horrible.
I don’t think you need to “step up” or “go to parenting lessons” or justify why your children exist. The exist now, you are the only one stepping up for the kids, and you have been forced into survival mode. Nothing else really matters that this point.
How you are expected to do everything for 5 kids, around the clock, with very little sleep, and do it perfectly or it’s all your fault, is beyond me. You are a person, not a robot!
I do have a few less than charitable opinions on the “man” of the house and his running off to his mummy. What a bellend.
If it’s too hard for him to cope with his own children for a few hours after work before his night of uninterrupted sleep then how can he expect you to be doing it all alone around the clock??
Make it make seeeeeeense?

I don't know. There's some jobs where sleep is absolutely critical in the name of safety. I wouldn't want a surgeon who's been up half the night operating on me for example? Or someone who drives for a living or operates heavy machinery. Not everyone works a desk job.

start watering the milk down with more water and less milk night before night so he doesn’t notice the sudden change to water and maybe giving him less volume rather than going cold turkey?

How you are expected to do everything for 5 kids, around the clock

Who is expecting her to do everything? She shouldn't be doing everything for five kids. The 16yo, and any others of secondary age, should be getting themselves up and ready and getting themselves to school or college and generally taking increasing responsibiity for themselves. Even younger ones can get themselves dressed, tidy up after themselves.

He should do stuff at weekends and in the evenings. Nobody is saying he shouldn’t have to lift a finger after 5pm. He could definitely do bedtimes to give OP a break to rest (I am assuming the 17 year old does not need “putting to bed”, though given they apparently still need their school bag packing for them that’s not a certainty). He could also get up overnight on Friday and Saturday night to let OP catch up on her sleep.

I just don’t think he should be up four times a night when he has work the next day. I don’t think OP should be up that much with a two year old either tbh. She is making a rod for her own back. But at least she has the option of a nap during the day when her toddler is napping.

To be fair, although I'm not on the op's page, if you have a child who wants or needs feeds and milk in the night, it's not so simple to go cold turkey. DD was the same and looking back it was an early manifestation of her GAD. She manages it well at 26 and having had huge support but it was there and there were signs.

Do you think female surgeons don't do night feeds? Of course they do. If they manage it, why can't male surgeons?

Even if one partner works outside the home, parenting is a shared responsibility. The parent at home is working 24/7, often without breaks, sick days, or time off. Just because one person’s workday ends doesn't mean the other’s does too. Helping with night wakings and the children at home isn’t "extra"—it’s part of being an equal parent. Sharing the load shows respect for the work that happens at home.
Does he help when he gets in from work and before work and just not at night?
Everyone's piling on in this thread about the night milk feeds, which you don't need as you sound like you're just trying to get by (you got this! 💪🏼), but with regards to changing this, it needs to be a challenge both of you tackle.

At weekends yes he should help,
during the week, no. I dont think throwing the fact he is the earner in your face was nice of him. Not keen on the way he said that.

Bottle snd Sleep advise: I was in same sitch BF my daughter. woke up 3 to 4 times a night for boob right up until 3 years old. One night I got home late while DP was with her and she fell aslee before i got home, so not BF to sleep for first time ever. She slept the whole night and did every night thereafer. Never BF again. So my advice is last bottle way before bed time or not at all. Yes there might be crying and screaming but hold strong you will thank yourself for it.

Assuming most of your kids are in school and you don’t have 5 under 5 to look after I think the kids are your job while he earns the money to keep you all. My eldest didn’t sleep at night more than a couple of hours in a row until he was 3 so I totally understand your exhaustion. Maybe he could do Friday or Saturday night so you get 1 decent sleep a week. It would make such a difference. You should do most of it though. Having been a sahm and a worked full time, you definitely need more sleep and brain power for paid work.

My youngest woke up hourly until she was 4. My H "couldn't" wake up. He wanted me to wake him so he could help. Eventually, I was suicidal. I threatened to admit myself and file for divorce. Fuck me, he suddenly was able to get up. I still resent him for it. Actually, it's on the long list of selfish and uncaring things he's done.

Your H should absolutely her up in the night. Unless he does a job like surgeon or operating heavy machinery. They are his kids as well. He's not being a good partner and he's also not being a good dad. If your dead on your feet you'll be making mistakes. I was constantly having accidents because I was sleep deprived. Lucky nothing serious.

ETA: Oldest child is being investigated for autism and ADHD. I wouldn't be surprised if youngest also has ADHD.

Very unnecessary and irrelevant comment

So many trashbag comments. Yes, he should be helping. Either by splitting the nights (so he does the first two wakes, you do the next two) or by doing all the night wakes at the weekend.

Hope you get some sleep, OP!

I had a friend whose HV suggested moving over to water in the bottle. Child was still waking at night at 4 for the bottle of water if she couldn't find it.

Per the OP - the man sitting on his arse watching the tv every night while OP keeps working before being up every few hours through the night. He’s expecting her to do it all.
Fine and dandy to say what the kids should and shouldn’t need or be doing but who is the person ultimately responsible for teaching/training/guiding them? OP of course! Who else? Certainly not the man with his paid work who needs his “me time” of an evening.

I’m glad my DH isn’t the type of delicate little flower who couldn’t possibly share in the tending of his own children during the night.
“Better we are both tired than one is exhausted” - we did every other night from the start, paid work or no.

@Abdican try watering down the milk a tiny bit, or using semi skimmed (Im only suggesting that because I assume he eats well otherwise and so milk isnt his main source of nutrients), I found this helped when mine kept looking for bottles for comfort. Then we moved onto a sippy cup that he chose himself, and an anyway up type cup for nighttime which didnt provide as much comfort and so was easier to wean off then. It's really tough, but well worth it once you do it. Maybe get everything you need and be ready to do it during halloween midterm break so not so much of a worry about waking the others.

Dh sounds like a plonker, but I dont feel digging your heels in atm is the best way to get you through to a stage where you're all sleeping better, as he obviously doesn't think it is his 'job' to help out

And she can only be a stay at home mum, because he goes out to work. See, it goes both ways.

If she doesn’t like it she can try being a single mum and se how that goes (not very well, I’d guess)

The answer is he should help with night feeds fri/sat (assuming he works mon-Fri) and do more when he gets home during the week (if he does indeed just sit and watch tv, which I find a little hard to believe in a household with 5 kids in it).

We had a problem with sleeping through. The Doctor said, leave safe toys in the cot plus a drink, and leave him to play [night light left as well]. He said you'll still wake up, but stay put and get bodily rest. The phase didn't last that long, and he eventually slept through. It sounds like someone is feeling lonely. The other thing that did help, was playing soft music. A slightly weighted blanket may provide the comfort he wants.

Firstly, do not underestimate your own contribution to your family and the life you are building together, you have contributed emotionally, practically, and financially in ways that are not always visible on paper.

You both chose to have children, and raising them is a shared commitment. Just as he contribute financially, you contribute emotionally, physically, and mentally every hour of the day. Nights shouldn’t be an exception. Looking after five children, including a bottle-fed baby, is more than a full-time job. There’s no clocking out, no lunch breaks, no weekends. You are working around the clock, and you need rest too.

If you are constantly exhausted, you can’t be the attentive, patient, and safe caregiver your children need. Sharing night duties—even occasionally—helps you recharge and be a better parent during the day.

Feeding and soothing children at night isn’t just a mother’s job—it’s a parent’s job. Your involvement strengthens your bond with the baby and shows your children that both parents are equally invested.

When Dad refuses to help, it makes you feel alone and undervalued. You need to know you’re in this together—not just financially, but emotionally and practically.

This pace isn’t sustainable. If you burn out, it affects everyone—you, the kids, and even Dad. Sharing the load now prevents bigger problems later.

You could also suggest practical compromises, like alternating night shifts, taking over on weekends, or helping with early morning routines. The goal isn’t to win an argument—it’s to foster empathy, teamwork, and mutual respect.

Your unpaid labour—childcare, housekeeping etc—is real work which he would have to cover if you were not around. He works, lets say 40hrs a week because he can. You looking after the kids and home is foundational, he could not work without you in place at home. But where as he works 40 hrs a week, he expects you to be available to work 24/7 - rubbish!

Think of it another way. If you were both going out to work, you would have to cover childcare fees from your joint wages and takes turns with overnight child care. You are choosing to work at home by way of being a mum and a house keeper and whilst you don't get a wage, its offset by the childcare you don't have to pay for...but he still needs to help with overnight child care as you can't work 24/7

Your DP should definitely be looking after his own toddler. But I can’t talk because mine woke up until 3 yrs for a cuddle!
I gave up BF when she was 2 yrs old.
What stopped the waking for me was my DH going to give the cuddle/hug. After 3 nights of DH she gave up and started sleeping!
DH refused to get in her toddler bed with her!! Yes I was a mug!

No he shouldn’t be doing any of the nights but he should be helping in the evenings.

A two year old doesn't need a bottle at all surely! Should be eating well and drinking out of cups!! Maybe more food?

Take the bottle away day and night, use the supernanny, back in bed techniques, hopefully after a few nights, He'll stop wanting a bottle.
In the meantime your DH should definitely do a weekend night.

I’d try watering the milk down progressively over a few nights so it gets weaker and weaker. Dd2 was bad for wanting milk in the night and this is how I weaned her off it. It worked quite quickly went on to water which I then would just leave in bed with her