To say DP should do nights as well as me even tho he works

[Abdican]

right so I don’t normally post on here I’ve been reading a bit but this is my first time posting sorry if it’s long

basically youngest is 2 and he still dont sleep through he wakes up 3 sometimes 4 times a night wanting a bottle and I’m always the one getting up cos DP says he has work and needs his sleep but then I’m still up at 6 doing school run and college run and sorting the others and I feel like a zombie half the time

I asked him last night if he could just do one of the wake ups so I can get a block of sleep and he went off on one saying he earns the money so I shouldnt be moaning but I don’t sit around all day I’m doing everything in the house as well plus I’ve got 5 kids to deal with and he just sits watching telly in the evenings

I’m so tired I can barely think straight AIBU to say he should be doing some of the nights as well even if he works or am I being unfair

@Abdican we can all feel that you're obviously stressed out, but this needs some action not excuses.

Firstly, how old are the other children? It sounds like you only have the one at home during the day, not all five, although I could be wrong. If you're still having to organise everything for all of them all of the time, then you're overparenting. Part of the parent's job is teaching them responsibility and self sufficiency - if you're struggling with doing EVERYTHING, have you not considered that maybe you shouldn't actually be doing EVERYTHING?

Secondly, the bottles. Just no. This feeds on from my first point - you're the parent, so parent. What you say goes. Giving in is just setting you up for more and more distress. Giving a tantruming toddler what they want will never result in them not wanting it - they'll just carry on with the tantrum because they know it works. See it through, for everyone's sake.

Thirdly, yes DP should be helping but how much he and you expect requires discussion. Should he be feet up when he gets home because 'he's been at work'? Hell no. However, expecting equal division of labour during the night when he has to get up and go to work isn't fair. I'm assuming if he's providing for a family of 7 then there are some demands on him from this job.

He needs to chip in when he gets in, help with bath and bedtime etc (again, depending on how much is needed based on age of children - I do feel that this is necessary contextual information) but during the week (or working days, depending on the job) night times are on you. Days off are shared - and you get a nap on his day off when it's your night in charge.

You can sort this, but you need to take some ownership and get on with it

Wait until half term when there's no school run and throw the bottles in the bin. Power through. It's not good for their teeth to be bathed in milk and then sleeping. He'll end up needing teeth out.

Tell your bloke that he either gives you some decent sleep or you'll be going to sleep elsewhere when he's not at work the next morning.

It sounds like your job is 24 hours on call, and his is limited to his ‘working hours’. It isn’t fair. You have 5 children. He shouldn’t expect to have 5 children and not be tired from time to time.

I can completely understand why you haven’t resolved the bottle issue, because you never catch up on enough sleep to have the energy.

I think you need to sit down with DH and sort a short term strategy to fix the night feeds. It needs to be all hands on deck until your 2 year old is more settled OR you tell him you’ll be getting a job and he can do 50% of the night wakings, cleaning, laundry, cooking, school runs, food shopping, medical and dental appointments, clothes shopping etc.

Right now you’re sacrificing your sleep to stop your children being woken up. You can either keep on like that if you would rather be tired yourself than deal with grumpy children, or change it.
You could play rain sounds in the other kids’ rooms to help them stay asleep. Forewarning them may also help them sleep through it.

Put a water bottle in the room but get rid of the bottles. Job done.

Well, let's just think about what would happen if for some reason he stopped supporting this big family.
Choices.

Is your toddler drinking from bottles at other times of day? If so, that habit needs breaking first and your DH can definitely help with that. But honestly, I think ideally he needs to take a week's leave over half term with you and get this sorted. And if you haven't already done so, assuming you don't want a sixth child, please do make sure you have sorted out long term contraception. Otherwise you could be going through all this again. And really, I think looking after 5 kids and a house and a DH is already a full job and as tiring as going to work, so he should be helping at night.

Exactly!

Let’s just think about if the OP had a breakdown and stopped supporting their big family because lack of sleep is a torture technique…

To be honest the OP sounds broken already. He should want to support her not just turn his back.

If you do not work then yes you do night wakes most the time, time to stop any night milk, water only after teeth brushing for the sake of death not to mention your sanity. Mine climbed into bed with us if they couldn’t settle, much better for all

Your husband should absolutely be helping. When I had my first and I was on maternity leave my husband took over nights at the weekend so I had 2 days to catch up on sleep and the days he was working he had good sleep. Sleep deprivation is horrendous and you absolutely are working running the household. I'm a primary school teacher her and when my kids were young work was easier. 😂In regards to the bottle maybe take the Halloween holidays when no one has to be up early for school and try some sleep training. It might be a few hellish nights but it will be worth it in the long run.

Sounds like your other kids are older ..so basically why are you run ragged
If your two year old naps in the day ,stop the naps
Introduce supper of porridge to fill up your 2 year old ..
And tiere him out physically in the day
This is ridiculous you being this tired ,and ridiculous you getting up at night for a 2 year old
I mean come on ,your not a first time mum ,you have 5 ,this should be water of a ducks back now ..you should be acing motherhood by number 5.
Have you lost your confidence or something?
Because you have raised 4 two year olds ,you know what you are doing

Sounds like you need a rethink on a number of fronts, as you are running yourself ragged and it's unsustainable.

That includes the bottles at night, but also the older kids' routines so you don't have to get up so early.

One issue is the school/college run. How far away is school/college? Most kids at my son's secondary school get themselves there, be it walking/cycling/bus/train. That cuts your responsibility down to anyone going to primary school/nursery.

Re morning organisation. Remind them to check their timetables and pack their bags before bed with whatever they'll need for the following day - the earlier they get into the habit the better. If you aren't available to drop things off to them at school they'll have to remember things themselves.

If making breakfast is an issue, ensure there is yoghurt in the fridge or do overnight oats so they can help themselves.

Hi OP, wanted to send you a huge amount of sympathy. You must be absolutely exhausted. Please ignore the people saying the problem is the bottle, it's very very hard to start a new routine when you're doing it alone and already shattered. My daughter was breastfed on and off until she was 20 months, and was still waking up during the night at age 2. During one holiday when she woke up multiple times every night I became so tired that I started hallucinating; even then, my (now ex) husband refused to help. And we only had one child, I can't imagine how difficult it would be with more. I've since come to understand that this sleep deprivation was a form of control and abuse. Absolutely not saying it's that extreme in your case, but it's impossible to understand how distressing this is if you haven't experienced it. It is incredibly unfair for him to put all of this onto your shoulders; he needs to jointly come up with a plan for how to handle the current situation and what a better one looks like.

It's not the employer's choice but it is the husband's choice to have 5 kids. He had contraceptive options if he didn't want that many. He should do the night wake ups. And he should also do his job properly. One night a week where he doesn't sleep properly isn't insurmontable, unless he's a pilot or a brain surgeon (in which case he should still do it on his days off).

To the question you have actually asked, YANBU. If a child is waking up repeatedly every night for ANY reason, his dad should be taking some of the wake ups.

Imagine my surprise to see someone prioritising the husband's employer in a domestic question 😂

Book a couple of days off. Make a plan with your DH. Use those couple of nights to let your two-year-old get over the fact that he can’t be having milk at night. It might take three nights but he’ll get the message eventually. It won’t be doing his teeth any favours so I wouldn’t even put in the blood now and suffer for 2/3nights rather than suffering for another year.

I take on board you comment however, it’s the OP that is looking after the children all day, driving them around, carrying the toddler up and down stairs, cooking, using household cleaning products, I disagree that a mum with a toddler at home doesn’t need a to be focused and just survive on a lack of sleep!

OP-
your husband needs to do more to help, it’s because of your dedication to looking after the children that he is working,
progressing in his career etc. explain to him now this needs to stop now and you need support! X

Not quite the same as being in court for the prosecution is it? As it was also far less demanding when I was working at an Investment Bank selling bonds. In fact it was easy peasy lemon squeezy in comparison.

How old are all the children? So there is the 2 year old who wakes and then a teenager of college age, but what about the ones in between? Are they all at school? Does the 2 year old go to nursery? Do they nap during the day?
I think if there is time in the day when all but the 2 year old are home and they nap, then you are being unreasonable and you could try and nap then too. Really it depends on the ages of these children and how involved you need to be.

Unless he’s a surgeon or his job involves the safety of people then I believe all time outside ‘working hours’ should be evenly split.

Ie. working hours are 8-5
During this time dad does his job, mum does her job (so happens to be raising the kids)
Outside of ‘work time’ everything child and house related should be equally divided and shared as possible, leaning into the persons strengths.

unless he’s a brain surgeon how on earth does he think it’s ok for you to be up 4 times in the night while he sleeps soundly and refuse your request for help. Really feel for you. You’re a team, he needs to start being a team player.

At least Friday or Saturday night you should have uninterrupted

Collect all his bottles in one place so he knows where they are. Get him a little gift you know he wants. Write a note from the bottle elf/fairy/friend saying they’ve taken them for all the babies that need them but has left him a gift. It’s ends I did with my DDs. They loved their fairy cakes and train set and they just accepted the bottles were no more …

I think its fair to get a break. If you stay at home you do expect to do the majority of stuff. But, marriage is meant to be a team that helps each other out. The mn view of marriage seems to be a competition with earning winning. Sometimes in a meaningful partnership you end uo doing more or carrying more because you can. Hopefully at any given point one of you can stand up.

what kind of partner hears someone say something that means 'I'm struggling and feel shit with lack of sleep' and thier response is tough, I earn the money.

He could give you a break one night a week easily. He coukd also give you a 'holiday' or 'sick leave' even if thats just to reset you to let you tackle the bottle issue.