To say DP should do nights as well as me even tho he works

[Abdican]

right so I don’t normally post on here I’ve been reading a bit but this is my first time posting sorry if it’s long

basically youngest is 2 and he still dont sleep through he wakes up 3 sometimes 4 times a night wanting a bottle and I’m always the one getting up cos DP says he has work and needs his sleep but then I’m still up at 6 doing school run and college run and sorting the others and I feel like a zombie half the time

I asked him last night if he could just do one of the wake ups so I can get a block of sleep and he went off on one saying he earns the money so I shouldnt be moaning but I don’t sit around all day I’m doing everything in the house as well plus I’ve got 5 kids to deal with and he just sits watching telly in the evenings

I’m so tired I can barely think straight AIBU to say he should be doing some of the nights as well even if he works or am I being unfair

I'd absolutely go against the rest here. It is your choice to be a parent of 5 kids, it is not your husband's employer's choice for you to have 5 kids. He is being paid to do a job and therefore is obliged to do it well. It is irresponsible for any working parent, male or female, to turn up to work dead on their feet because they've been up half the night and still expect to be paid. This is especially the case where one of the parents is not working. I'm totally with your husband here.

ok I hear what ppl are saying but it’s not that simple like I can’t just stop the bottles cos he won’t settle without and if he screams he wakes the other kids up and then I’ve got 3 or 4 kids all grumpy and tired in the morning and I can’t cope with that on top of everything else. he’s always been a bad sleeper nothing like the others who were all fine by about 1 but he just never got the hang of it.

I know 5 kids is a lot before anyone says it again lol but it’s not like we sat down and planned it all out that way life just happened and I love them all to bits wouldn’t change them. I just want a bit of sleep so I can be a better mum to them all.

I don’t think it’s fair DP acts like his job is harder just cos he gets paid for it. like someone else said I don’t get clocking off at 5 I’m still running round till midnight.

so yeah maybe I do need to stop bottles but I don’t see why I should be the one up every single time on my own either.

They may be the OPs job during the day, when her DH is working however for the rest of the hours they are shared responsibility.

He doesn’t get to do nothing for his children because he works. It doesn’t, and shouldn’t work like that.

Although he can see you are dead on your feet and not stepping up so he is a cunt as far as I am concerned. To knowingly do that to someone you are supposed to love is unacceptable.

bottles aside. How many days does your dh work? Onthedays he’s working he shouldn’t have to get up but his days off he should do half. So if he works five days he should do one night a week. And he should do one morning a week too so you get a lie in. If he worked six days you should alternate.

I know when you are exhausted any extra can seem insurmountable however you do need to bite the bullet and go cold turkey with the bottles. Short term pain (and it will be a dodgy few days!) long term gain.

YABVU.

He goes to work and earns the money. The SAHP shoulders the burden of the night wakings.

Why not?

Single parents have to do both. She has a partner. Why can't he step up?

Shoulders the burden or does every single one? There is a difference!

Utter rubbish. He can only go to work as his children are being cared for by the OP. He doesn’t get to not help in any way because he earns the money.

If the OP continues to shoulder all the burden of childcare she will break. What’s he going to do then?

As I said my love for someone would die a quick death if they saw me struggling to cope and didn’t step up.

Way to stomp on women.

Because she’s not working and he is. Although given she’s really struggling and presumably not getting opportunities to nap/ rest in the day then yes he should want to help her and not see her struggle.

@Abdican you could try weaning the bottles by watering down the milk gradually. Even if you took it slowly and replaced 10% with water, then 25%, etc. Of course he screams. DD1 (SN) completely refused to take a sippy cup of milk when she was 8 months old. But I had to go back to work so she had to do it. It was a hairy few days because I knew she wasn't getting what she needed, but she did do it in the end.

The kids can wear ear plugs for a few days. Or, wait until half term break and crack it then, when they don't need the sleep as much.

For me - sleep is a wellbeing thing. Everyone deserves sleep, it doesn't matter whether you're on mat leave or work or don't. And night sleep is very different from a brief nap or doze.

So he absolutely should be doing some nights.

But you can't keep bottle feeding a 2 year old at night either.

I understand the issue with waking the others. What I would do is - one of you takes the other kids away for a weekend (preferably longer if you can stay somewhere near enough their school) and the other one sleep trains the 2 year old. The first two nights will be the worst. Ideally it would be him doing the sleep training as I suspect you might be more inclined to give in?

Yes I’m afraid I agree with the others - you need to stop the bottles, and do it now.

It’s become a habit, and if the habit gets entrenched he won’t grow out of it for many many years, worst case scenario - do you really want another 5,6,7 years of your child waking up and creeping into your room, trying to get into bed with you, crying hysterically when you try to take them back to their own room? I’ve seen it happen, yes, even with 9,10,11 year olds.

Stop with the bottles. You, your husband, your other kids will probably have a horrible sleep-disrupted week. And then it will get better. And you will be able to sleep ALL night EVERY night! How amazing will that be?! Short term pain is worth it for the long term gain (yours and everyone else in the family too, your 2 year old included).

One way to look at it is that if he won’t get up in the night - he either helps sort the older ones in the morning inf, or you go to bed after dinner and he sorts bedtime and evening chores for the rest of them so you have a chunk of time for sleep.

If your husband loses his job due to lack of sleep from a 2 year old who wakes up 3 and 4 times a night due to wanting a bottle, who's going to support the family? Are you working? Full time?

If you're a SAHP, you do the wakeup when he's working the next day. He can wakeup on a weekend night. If you're working full time, you alternate.

You really need to sort out the sleep. A two year old shouldn't be waking to have bottles 3 and 4 times a night. That's a newborn schedule, plus can cause tooth decay if you're not brushing teeth after. Take a weekend, get everybody earplugs, and take away the bottles.

Not the point of the thread really is it? It would be the same outcome with just the 2 year old.
Husband is a selfish twat with the common mindset of "they work so us women have to do everything else'"
He only has the luxury of going to work whenever because of the OP, she is the backbone of the family, if she didn't do what she did he would be fucked (in his terms I expect) as would a lot of working men.
He would have to alter his working lifestyle to fit in around the kids.
They don't realise how luxurious they have it.
Its always the women who put their lives on the back burner to accommodate for the kids, and I am sick of mens attitudes towards it.

I suggest the DH does the sleep training (water instead of milk) over the weekend. That way you can sleep during those two nights and your DH can sleep in and nap in the day. Hopefully by Monday he shouldn’t wake so much. Anyway isn’t cows milk in the night bad for their teeth? Another reason to stop.

You need to stop giving a bottle our 2 year old twins don't have bottles or any milk in the night bottles were ditched a while ago anyhow make your life easier and out your foot down about nighttime drinks, took ours 3 nights before they realised crying or moaning wasn't getting them one and they've slept ever since all night.

As a sahm I thought nights were on me. I got to take a nap during the say🤷‍♀️

Agreed and you'll rarely find me defending men. But the OP's life is unquestionably harder with 5 kids as opposed to 2 (school runs, lunches, washing, shopping etc). So I asked because it is usually the woman that wants to keep having babies rather than the man. Not always of course, and sometimes there are religious grounds which may be the case here.

Your DH should be helping with nights at the weekends. Between the two of you you need to bin the bottles. Literally throw them out today and then you can’t give in.

He should at least be helping out with night waking on the nights when he isn’t at work the next day and ideally getting up with the kids on a weekend so you can have a lie in as well.

My son’s dad used to do the mornings as I was breastfeeding and most of the time he worked nights so he couldn’t do the night wakings. He used to do bathtime and sometimes storytime so I got a break too before going off to work nights.

Yes, it IS that simple.

The night waking and demanding a bottle is entirely your own doing, so it's a little unfair to expect your DH who has to go to work the next day to also have to get up in the night.

Start on a Friday night when there's no school college or school the next day, and stop the night bottle. Let him know that he is a big boy, not a baby, so he doesn't need a bottle at night. Would a dummy work for now? Weighted blanked? Special new teddy? If he screams then you will just need to be firm otherwise you're teaching him that screaming gets what he wants. On Saturday morning, despite the fact you will be shattered, give him a sticker on the reward chart for being a big boy.

Assuming your DH isn't working Saturday, then he can do something during the day with the kids while you get some sleep.

She's not working??

With 5 kids, one of whom is a toddler?

Maybe she should start doing 9-5 and let's see how that works

Well she could send the youngish one back.