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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think it's odd I've been left out ??

204 replies

PeacheyPeach · 19/09/2025 17:27

Have been good friends for about 8 years with someone who is getting married this year. They are having a destination wedding which I'm not attending but it is only family going
Looking through my Instagram this week and noticed she has had a hen weekend with a large group this was the first id heard about it!
There was a few people there that I know she doesn't even like and has had nothing but bad things to say about them!!
Sort of can't believe I've not been invited, especially when I have been there for her a lot over the years and thought we had a nice friendship!
AIBU ? Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
BitterTits · 19/09/2025 23:59

OP I had such a hard time with new mum 'friends' when I had DD, nearly 15 years ago now. It hurt at the time but honestly, I couldn't give a shit about them now. Step back and let them fight it out between themselves.

Horsie · 20/09/2025 00:04

SpencerGarciaGideon · 19/09/2025 23:58

No I haven't talked to her about it. She mentioned the last party they had while we were having lunch but didn't say anything a out me not being invited. I didn't want to bring it up as I'd feel pretty pathetic.

Show quote history

There's nothing pathetic about asking why you're not invited given that she's a close friend. By being direct, you are honouring your own needs - the need to be included, the need to know why you aren't. The alternative is to let this eat away at you, and if this continues, your friendship will be over anyway, because it will be poisoned. She might literally have not thought to invite you. Maybe, ten years ago, you said a throwaway remark about not liking loud music, and so she thinks you don't want to be there. My point is, you don't know until you communicate. Surely it would be better than feeling like this!

I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

GreyLion · 20/09/2025 00:15

I had a similar experience 15 years ago. I was part of a group (or so I thought) where there was one main organiser of Theatre Trips, Nights out drinking etc. There was never any arguments but things the Main Organiser said about people, looking back, I should have been more weary of.
One of the group got married. I heard about the Hen Night and I was only one that wasn’t invited until someone dropped out. I could have easily been included in the plans. I just shrugged it off but should have taken the hint.
The year after the Main Organiser got married herself. Following spending a fortune on her Hen Weekend, Outfit, Wedding gift , Wedding reception etc, myself and the person I was closest to were dropped from future events.. we were all laughing and joking and everything seemed to had been fine.
It turned out that myself and the other one dropped had been left out of many events where we wasn’t needed to make the numbers up…

SpencerGarciaGideon · 20/09/2025 00:18

Horsie · 20/09/2025 00:04

There's nothing pathetic about asking why you're not invited given that she's a close friend. By being direct, you are honouring your own needs - the need to be included, the need to know why you aren't. The alternative is to let this eat away at you, and if this continues, your friendship will be over anyway, because it will be poisoned. She might literally have not thought to invite you. Maybe, ten years ago, you said a throwaway remark about not liking loud music, and so she thinks you don't want to be there. My point is, you don't know until you communicate. Surely it would be better than feeling like this!

I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

Show quote history

I have been to previous parties so it's not like I'm in the habit of declining. To be honest, I've taken a step back. It seems lately that she only really wants to talk to me about things to do with her DC. I work with kids so I suppose she thinks I'm the best one to ask. I will answer her but I don't think I'll be doing anymore inviting. Seems to always be me who's asking to meet up etc.

Original poster
PeacheyPeach · 20/09/2025 00:21

@Horsie you are right in what you are saying, sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture, and give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you have to protect yourself and your peace and put these individuals in a box. Talking to them may ease tension and it may unlock things that have happened that we are unaware of, but sometimes it's just giving someone a platform to be even more mean or unkind and you know it's ok not to put that on yourself, especially when you've only ever looked out for that person.
It's not the end of my world, I have a gorgeous husband and family and these people are all on the outside and fringes of this, it just makes me realize that it's only my family who truly have my back and care for me and that's enough for me ❤️

OP posts:
Horsie · 20/09/2025 00:23

Soontobesingles · 19/09/2025 19:57

I’ve found that weddings teach you a lot about where you stand in someone’s affections, and the kind of person they really are. I remember when my closest friend for 20 years decided not to ask me to be a bridesmaid because of a difference of opinion I’d had with her (racist) cousin, and then her husband made a point in his speech of talking about the bridesmaids as those ‘closest to the bride’ while the bride looked at me pointedly with a little grin on her face. And I just thought, fuck you bitch. 11 years later, we haven’t spoken since.

That's absolutely awful.

It's so true about weddings. My wedding cost me a couple of friends too.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/09/2025 00:24

Have you read the rest of the thread, @Horsie, or at least all of OP’s posts? She’s described a friend who gossips and criticises their mutual friends, and has not reciprocated OP’s support or loyalty. This seems to be the final straw, which allows OP to see that their values and approach to friendship are not compatible. And that’s fine. It’s healthy to realise that you’re incompatible and will only be hurt further if you return to the same dynamic.

Horsie · 20/09/2025 00:27

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/09/2025 00:24

Have you read the rest of the thread, @Horsie, or at least all of OP’s posts? She’s described a friend who gossips and criticises their mutual friends, and has not reciprocated OP’s support or loyalty. This seems to be the final straw, which allows OP to see that their values and approach to friendship are not compatible. And that’s fine. It’s healthy to realise that you’re incompatible and will only be hurt further if you return to the same dynamic.

After the OP first said she was sure it was deliberate, I then agreed with her that she should not talk to them. I think you might have read my subsequent reply to a different poster who was talking about not being invited to parties.

Horsie · 20/09/2025 00:29

PeacheyPeach · 20/09/2025 00:21

@Horsie you are right in what you are saying, sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture, and give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you have to protect yourself and your peace and put these individuals in a box. Talking to them may ease tension and it may unlock things that have happened that we are unaware of, but sometimes it's just giving someone a platform to be even more mean or unkind and you know it's ok not to put that on yourself, especially when you've only ever looked out for that person.
It's not the end of my world, I have a gorgeous husband and family and these people are all on the outside and fringes of this, it just makes me realize that it's only my family who truly have my back and care for me and that's enough for me ❤️

After you first replied to me saying you were sure it was deliberate, I replied back and said that I agreed you shouldn't talk to them about it. I then subsequently replied to a different poster who was being left out of parties by a friend who says how much she loves her, saying she should talk to her. Maybe you thought that one was directed at you too? It wasn't; you were sure the behaviour of your bride-friend was deliberate, and in that case, I would not raise it with her. Wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/09/2025 00:30

Horsie · 20/09/2025 00:27

After the OP first said she was sure it was deliberate, I then agreed with her that she should not talk to them. I think you might have read my subsequent reply to a different poster who was talking about not being invited to parties.

Show quote history

Apologies, I’d done exactly that.

Original poster
PeacheyPeach · 20/09/2025 00:32

FairKoala · 19/09/2025 19:39

Could you comment something on one of the group photos

“Good Grief, after what I have heard you say about all of them and all the things I have heard them say about you. Your Hen Do must have been a blast.”

Oh id love to do that 😂 😂
Obviously I won't!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacheyPeach · 20/09/2025 00:38

@Horsie no you don't need to explain anything, I totally understand were you were coming from xxx

OP posts:
FairKoala · 20/09/2025 00:56

PeacheyPeach · 20/09/2025 00:32

Oh id love to do that 😂 😂
Obviously I won't!!!

Show quote history

Why not? It would certainly be fun watching them ripping each other apart over SM

YouDoYouuu · 20/09/2025 04:24

BecksMama · 19/09/2025 18:33

My ‘friend’ did similar to me… she was having an away city hen - told me I was invited but I didn’t hear anything more about it.
then the week before it was due to happen said she was doing something more local a different weekend nfd - I said great text me the details I’m always here to support you.
I heard nothing until 8pm one Friday night to say she didn’t think I’d be interested in coming but the train was at 12 the following morning. I had no time to arrange child care etc so there was no way I could go…
I paid half of her attendance at my hen do because she was studying at the time and made sure she was included in everything. It really hurt my feelings, and it’s still a bitter pill tbh
she then went onto basically ignore my ‘big’ birthday and had a party for hers a few months later but again did not invite me.

Oddly enough when she had a baby she was desperate for support and advice and to be best pals again…

I hope you didn’t help her!

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/09/2025 06:28

So what will you do, op? Just disappear and not respond to her at all?

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 20/09/2025 09:17

The bride will full well know exactly who was and wasn’t invited.

Climbingrosexx · 20/09/2025 09:53

PeacheyPeach · 19/09/2025 19:14

@Climbingrosexx oh that's horrible 😭 you just wonder how people don't feel bad about the way they treat others, when you would never do that yourself, I've always made sure that my children never leave people out , are not exclusive with friendships but try and include others. Sadly I don't think many think of doing it back.

Yes it was even more awkward because the photographer was also downstairs for a while waiting for them to call him up. One of her friends even came downstairs for something and saw me on my own and said "are you ok here"? Then went straight back upstairs. It would have been much kinder if she hadn't invited me at all. Thankfully I am a lot older and wiser now and I have lowered my expectations of people. It's sad to have to do that but I feel better equipped to deal with people like that now.

Original poster
PeacheyPeach · 20/09/2025 10:30

@Climbingrosexx oh my it was an actual photographer, I thought you meant they were taking pictures of each other 😭 oh that's shocking, yes real friends don't treat each other like this so they

OP posts:
MustWeDoThis · 20/09/2025 17:52

abouttimetoo123 · 19/09/2025 17:36

When someone shows you who they are, listen. And remember, if someone is talking about others to you, they’ll be talking about you to others.

Take this as a lesson learned and step back from the friendship xx

100% this!

Ariana12 · 20/09/2025 17:57

Not surprising that you're hurt. I'd feel the same. Nothing much to add but here's a hug 🤗

Teddybear23 · 20/09/2025 18:06

I’d text her saying ‘I notice you had a hen do on (date), have I done something to upset you only I can’t understand why I wasn’t invited’? Depending on her reply you can decide whether to continue the friendship or not.

Shortpoet · 20/09/2025 18:15

I expect there’s a strong possibility that a lot of what she slags them off about to you is untrue, or at the very least very much exaggerated because she enjoyed the drama and sympathy from you.

(Also possible, she’s told a load of lies / exaggerations about you to them) and she can’t risk two worlds colliding (especially where alcohol is present and the truth might out).

Lazytiger · 20/09/2025 18:20

Two things jump out here.

One is that when some women get married they start to believe their own hype - that they are a fabulous, amazing princess - so they can behave however they want. As long as they are having a good time they don’t give a stuff about anyone else. Also because they feel so secure about the future (as someone getting married should) they don’t bother hiding their true personalities anymore.

Two is that some people bitch about other people, who they brag and boast to and desperate want to like them, they spend all their fun and quality time with them (to show off, FOMO etc). Then they have other friends they use as free therapists but don’t want to spend any fun time with. They put then in the ‘not fun bit of life’ category and don’t want them to contaminate their ‘fun bit of life’ (or lift the lid amongst the people they want to impress their their life isn’t perfect).

Do either of these sound likely?

Thankfully most people have the bandwidth to be able to have fun with friends they confide!

If it were me I’d tell her you are too busy to meet up 1:1 but to let you know next time there is a fun night out with the girls in the pipeline! Or, just cut her off :-)

Bunny65 · 20/09/2025 18:24

PeacheyPeach · 19/09/2025 17:27

Have been good friends for about 8 years with someone who is getting married this year. They are having a destination wedding which I'm not attending but it is only family going
Looking through my Instagram this week and noticed she has had a hen weekend with a large group this was the first id heard about it!
There was a few people there that I know she doesn't even like and has had nothing but bad things to say about them!!
Sort of can't believe I've not been invited, especially when I have been there for her a lot over the years and thought we had a nice friendship!
AIBU ? Has anyone else been in this situation?

I would be tempted to have it out with the bride because some years down the line it will probably bug you that you didn't. No need to be confrontational but you could ask why you were the only one who wasn't invited and point out that it's hurtful behaviour. Then I would just leave the so-called friendship group. As it's someone you know well it is inexcusable.

JadeSeahorse · 20/09/2025 18:27

Recordsforsomething · 19/09/2025 23:14

My dh got left out of his own sisters wedding ! We have no idea why ?

So did mine and they are twins.🙄