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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

my 17 year old daughter is so babyish

170 replies

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:06

I have a 17 years old daughter, and frankly, she is very very eccentric. She acts so much younger than her age and everyone her age kind of sees her as a little sister. That is not necessarily a problem but she also looks and sound way younger than someone her age typically would. She is graduating from high school next year and she will be officially an adult.

She gets so attached to everyone and greets people very enthusiastically even though they might not return the same energy. When she gets excited she gets really excited and she looks up to certain people a lot. Obviously she's not a problem to be fixed but I do think this is a bit of a problem. Is at a lost.

OP posts:
LindaMo2 · 20/09/2025 17:48

It’s important to differentiate between child like (which can be an endearing personality trait) and childish (which tends to be annoying and wind everyone up).

anon666 · 20/09/2025 18:43

Awwww. My younger dd is very young for her age. In the end, she turned round herself and said she didn't feel ready to go to uni. It was a huge relief at the time because it felt like she hadn't really grown up enough to live independently.

However, two years in, she's decided she's still not ready, and if I'm honest shes still just as naive. Her naivety is charming now, but I worry about her future.

She's only one friend left, who went to uni, leaving her home with none. She does a solitary job as a hall supervisor during activities. Shes not meeting anyone her age, and is left out of life.😬

Her older sister has said she's probably autistic, and this seems more amd more likely, even though this never came up when she was a child. In fact she coped with childhood very well, it's only now I'm maybe starting to see some black and white thinking, and the naivety. Plus odd childish behaviours.

I think there's so much pressure on parents to get diagnoses for their children. I didn't pursue these issues privately, but neither school nor CAMHS ever made any suggestions.

I worry all the time now, but in reality she has always been happy in herself and so I feel like- why would I have pursued intervention? 😬

Anyway, I just wanted to share similar experience, but I'm not sure there are any answers. I'm just hoping at some point she does start to grow up, bless her, even though I dearly love her just as she is.

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 20/09/2025 19:05

She sounds lovely :)

MaeTeekay14 · 20/09/2025 19:16

I think it's great that in this day and age she has found a solid friendship group that don't judge her for not acting the way that they do. If she's happy and comfortable then that's all that matters, I certainly wouldn't rush to get a diagnosis of any kind if the way that she is has no impact on her daily living.

Scrimblescromble · 20/09/2025 19:31

I was like this. I’m married with a good job and kids. I was also diagnosed autistic in my late 30s

Hillrunning · 20/09/2025 19:42

Ive not read all the replies so not sure of this has been mentioned but if most of her behaviour is directed at her female friends have you talked to her about sexuality? The girls she looks up too might be crushes? Acting silly and younger is how some teens behave when they have crushes.

Or/as well it might just be the role that she has found herself in within her year group and these things are hard to break from. I really we ahd a 'baby's the group. She transformed when she went to uni ask she was no longer cast in that role.

Balloonhearts · 20/09/2025 20:10

I have a friend like this. She is now late 30s and not grown up. Still squeals and grabs my arm giggling if anyone remotely good looking walks past. Lies about members of boy bands wanting to date her.

I've just stopped spending time with her as I feel like a babysitter. We were close once but I grew up and she just didn't.

Can't even go on a night out because she would just get in the car of any bloke who claimed to have bloody litter of puppies or something. I'd feel responsible for her. It's not her fault but I just can't deal with a friendship that is stuck at 15 years old.

I think there is some kind of neurodiversity or syndrome in play but no diagnosis of anything. No advice really, it's sad but you can't force someone to mature emotionally. Just be as supportive as you can. She will find her tribe.

Manthide · 20/09/2025 21:14

@Plumnora dd1 was voted the most ditsy at Cambridge and her headteacher called both her and dd2 eccentric. Dd1 also gets into the most ridiculous situations! She hasn't been labelled and is married with dc. Her dh keeps her grounded generally. She is a senior gynaecologist.

treesandsun · 20/09/2025 21:17

I used to teach girls this age in a college and I would say there could be a vast difference between the girls in a class in terms of maturity. there's a much bigger range between the girls than there were the boys . Some could be 17 going on 35 , some tried to act older in age and some were 17 going on 12 .

If she's able to keep up with school work, has friends and is able in the main to do age appropriate things I wouldn't worry unnecessarily. Does she have or has she had a part time job? Is she the youngest in the family?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 20/09/2025 21:45

deusexmacintosh · 19/09/2025 22:53

Well said. I have ADHD and was also remarkably childlike and naive in my mid teens to the point my freinds were sometimes shocked by my ignorance of other people's tone, meaning, intentions. I can relate to your post, and OPs daughter too.

My executive dysfunction and self absorption meant I needed a lot of alone time, which helped filter a lot of shallow, undesirable, dangerous people, and If someone unsettled or upset me I'd instantly ghost/distance from them, which again probably saved me from futher drama, abuse etc.

But I was totally unable to understand social hierarchies and deal with people who were not kind, nice or supportive. In dealings with people in my wider life, I was reflecting my own good nature onto others and expecting identical levels of honourable behaviour, morals, integrity etc in return.

I wasn't interested in boys, neither as freinds nor romantically, and wasn't into drinking and parties or clubbing, which meant I had 0 negative experiences with men. But I had a tough, miserable time at uni on a cutthroat course, with some very egotistical, sabotaging coursemates and bullying academics. I was exploited a little in 1 or 2 of my female friendships, and didn't spot the signs until late into my 20s.

My parents seemed to think it was willful ignorance on my part and saw no need to explain anything to me. Social skills training would have saved so much grief in the workplace, too, where poor social intuition meant I had a tendency to blurt things out and couldn't see obvious issues or skilled manipulation coming until it was way too late.

OP - If your daughter will agree to an assessment, it wouldn't do any harm. Her lack of self awareness is telling, most girls are very socially astute by 17/18 or at least beginning to develop strong self awareness. Being academically sound but socially clueless is classic female asd and adhd.

Have a look at autism communities online, as well as articles and books by Tony Atwood, Temple Grandin, Sarah Hendrix, Judith Gould (all experts in female autism). Your DD may not be autistic at all, but there is some overlap between ASC and adhd traits and other neurodivergent conditions so any ASC research will be informative.

Working on social skills training is useful, even if she catches up with her peers later. But girls often mask well. I masked with a kind of passive cheerfulness, without even noticing that was what I was doing. If there is an undiagnosed condition, you won't know till she hits a roadblock or has a bad experience that really hits her hard emotionally. That's what led me to diagnosis in my late 20s, I burned out completely and couldn't cope. Diagnosis and intervention at 14 or 15 would have saved me so much misery and suffering and prevented my worst adhd traits becoming entrenched.

There's no shame in having an ND daughter or being ND. She may well test negative, i know people who have. If she tests positive, with the right support she will be fine, but she will need it ASAP as support services for adults are like unicorns.

Solidarity fellow traveller ❤️

I was the same, very kind and giving and expecting the same back

My teens and early 20s, was just me being manipulated left right and centre 😪

Agree with this op, its a new world now and the kids that are autistic post about it on tiktok whilst dancing! She will be okay but i would definitely try to sort a diagnosis and social skills support before she goes to uni and is thrown in the deep end with people who will not be kind.

Plumnora · 20/09/2025 21:47

Manthide · 20/09/2025 21:14

@Plumnora dd1 was voted the most ditsy at Cambridge and her headteacher called both her and dd2 eccentric. Dd1 also gets into the most ridiculous situations! She hasn't been labelled and is married with dc. Her dh keeps her grounded generally. She is a senior gynaecologist.

That's great! Good for her!
I'm labelled ditzy and eccentric by everyone I meet. I'm not diagnosed. Doesn't bother me in the slightest....I'm chaotic, I'm always late, I'm disorganised... I often find people don't "get" me and consequently don't like me. I've also brought 2 children up single handedly (different dads, both equally as absent once they become fathers), own my own house, have a successful career and am happy in my skin.
My eldest DC is diagnosed. Not till age 11 though, and struggled massively in primary school.
My mother - not diagnosed- has spent her entire life being called clumsy, insensitive, childish... she's almost certainly Autistic, based on how similar she is to to DC.
She has chronically low self esteem and has been depressed for as long as I can remember. It makes me so, so sad that with a "label" and with help and support she could have lived a very different life and she could have been happy. Or at least happier.
Different strokes for different folks etc etc but labels and diagnoses help a massive amount of people and I'm glad we live in a society that at least recognises that.

LoyalMember · 20/09/2025 21:56

Your daughter's got a youngish demeanour. Why's this necessarily a problem?

LouiseK93 · 20/09/2025 21:59

Sounds like you've raised a lovely sweet girl. Relish it. My only concern would be others taking advantage really.

Minglingpringle · 20/09/2025 22:09

She sounds really fun!

ThatPeachFox · 20/09/2025 22:15

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:06

I have a 17 years old daughter, and frankly, she is very very eccentric. She acts so much younger than her age and everyone her age kind of sees her as a little sister. That is not necessarily a problem but she also looks and sound way younger than someone her age typically would. She is graduating from high school next year and she will be officially an adult.

She gets so attached to everyone and greets people very enthusiastically even though they might not return the same energy. When she gets excited she gets really excited and she looks up to certain people a lot. Obviously she's not a problem to be fixed but I do think this is a bit of a problem. Is at a lost.

High Masking Autistic??

ThatPeachFox · 20/09/2025 22:16

High masking Autistic? Maybe you should get her a provisional licence and encourage her to learn to drive to help her grow up a bit?

TheArtfulNavyDreamer · 20/09/2025 22:44

Honestly it sounds a bit like me at that age. I always felt slightly behind my peers in terms of interests etc. I also massively struggled with the concept of people not being sincere or lying. It just felt weird and foreign and pointless.

PhotoFirePoet · 20/09/2025 23:16

Gall10 · 19/09/2025 11:37

FFS why does everyone have to be labeled with a syndrome/ acronym/initails/ condition/diagnosis these days?
Everyone is a little bit different to the next person : as an analogy it takes a lot of different vegetables to make a good soup!
Let’s enjoy our children/family/friends with all their different quirks & personalities!

I agree! It’s as if every quirk or difference a person has is being turned into a syndrome these days, especially with children and young people. What is wrong with just being eccentric? Your daughter might simply just be too trusting and extremely enthusiastic about life, that’s all. I was the same until I was betrayed by my teenage best friend. Perhaps just have a chat, warn her that some people can be a bit mean or see eagerness as immaturity and take advantage of you, and to be aware of that, and the kind of red flags to consider.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 20/09/2025 23:44

Ladamesansmerci · 19/09/2025 15:38

She sounds lovely.

OP, I'm eccentric. I'm a 31 year old woman with an extensive teddy collection. I collect Pokémon cards and play it on my switch. I play DnD, board games, and video games. I have a Sphynx cat and pet rats. I come across a little offbeat socially. People also find me funny, and I have lots of friends, I'm married with a child, and I'm a mental health nurse. I'm 100% an undiagnosed neurodivergent lol and it hasn't held me back. Your daughter could be too, but even if she isn't, everyone is just different. Isn't it fun to be a bit quirky or eccentric? The world would be so dull if everyone was the same. Also, isn't it a shame that when we become adults, we're expected to drop all the fun things from childhood? What makes some hobbies more childish than others? Why is it acceptable for adults to collect candles or stamps, but not plushies or trading cards? Who cares! The world is full of different people and she will find her crowd.

Also, being friendly and warm is a lovely trait. If she is too trusting and therefore vulnerable to exploitation or harm in anyway, spend some time talking to her about people and their intentions, and warning signs that someone may not be so nice.

Edited

Aww you sound fabulous, like the OP's DD!

I'm very much the same, quite quirky, love all the soft toys that my DC have, enjoy being silly and having lots of fun with them. I've always been called sweet, quite naive and charming, but I did have to grow up a lot at university. I've always been a child at heart though, and probably too trusting of others. Growing up was something I don't ever feel I did properly, and even now, I often feel like I have a female version of "Peter Pan" syndrome. I've got a DH who's older and ij some ways, I like his overprotective ways towards me.

I agree that everyone is life is different, and we need to celebrate these differences. Having a silly less mature sense of humour or taste in clothes, music etc isn't necessarily bad. Maybe some people don't like how harsh, cruel and depressing some aspects of reality and the world really are. Being cocooned in a bubble of ignorance is somewhat more appealing in a way, as long as it doesn't mean being taken advantage of or something more harmful.

Homehelper · 20/09/2025 23:47

I think she sounds delightful - one of earth's true original'

ZingyBalonz · 20/09/2025 23:52

Kids don’t become adults the minute the clock strikes midnight on their 18th birthday….. and that’s an awful lot of pressure to put on a young girl. Let her be herself if that’s her personality and it’s not causing any problems for her, then be happy she’s not sneaking out of the house meeting boys/drinking/partying etc. enjoy the extra time you’re getting with her still being ‘young’ ❤️

Thatweegirl · 21/09/2025 00:51

As the parent of 2 autistic children, I think it's worth investigating an autism assessment for your daughter. That is certainly what it sounds alike.

Thefsm · 21/09/2025 01:51

My next door neighbour is like this. She’s 23 and I’ve known her ten years - she still seems 14 half the time. Super attached to every item she buys or makes and didn’t go to college and doesn’t have a job - lives at home with parents supporting her. She’s really lovely just a bit naive and childlike.

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 06:14

There is not even the whiff of this Op being concerned about her daughter.

Shes irritated and pissed off by her.

So all the well meaning advice is going to fall on deaf ears i suspect

Coffeetime25 · 21/09/2025 07:02

Gall10 · 19/09/2025 11:37

FFS why does everyone have to be labeled with a syndrome/ acronym/initails/ condition/diagnosis these days?
Everyone is a little bit different to the next person : as an analogy it takes a lot of different vegetables to make a good soup!
Let’s enjoy our children/family/friends with all their different quirks & personalities!

agreed can you imagine a child reaching the ripe old age of 17 without a diagnoses of something or other is unheard of these days