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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

my 17 year old daughter is so babyish

170 replies

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:06

I have a 17 years old daughter, and frankly, she is very very eccentric. She acts so much younger than her age and everyone her age kind of sees her as a little sister. That is not necessarily a problem but she also looks and sound way younger than someone her age typically would. She is graduating from high school next year and she will be officially an adult.

She gets so attached to everyone and greets people very enthusiastically even though they might not return the same energy. When she gets excited she gets really excited and she looks up to certain people a lot. Obviously she's not a problem to be fixed but I do think this is a bit of a problem. Is at a lost.

OP posts:
Nestingbirds · 19/09/2025 14:25

I think she sounds rather wonderful! She may be naive and trusting but that is a quality op, unless you feel she is at serious risk of being harmed or hurt (and it doesn’t sound like she is)

I am picking up on irritation that she isn’t more sophisticated and doing what you perceive as ‘normal’ things at her age - but my dc have all been completely different to me and my life experience. All are naive and young for their age and their friends too, I put this down to the pandemic and a good childhood where they didn’t need to learn how horribly shit life can be.

Celebraring who she is will protect her from losing confidence and self esteem. In your place I would be giving her more responsibility. Working. Travelling alone. A weekend with her friends camping and generally exposing her gradually to different life experiences so she becomes more mature and responsible. Cooking and budgeting etc.

She sounds great and enjoy it whilst you can.

IamGrout · 19/09/2025 14:26

Autumnpug7 · 19/09/2025 12:04

Came on to say the same ,I'm diagnosed autistic,and I was similar to your DD op as a child

Same here. I am late diagnosed ADHD and Autistic and agree totally with this post and very much resonate with the below paragraph.

"Bad things can happen to girls with autism, who seem able to cope with the world."

OP, please listen to mumofoneAloneandwell's brilliant advice. A lot of autistic girls mask and although seem strong on the surface, they are vulnerable.

Your daughter sounds like me when I was young. I was young for my age, naive and trusting (still am 😔) and was taken advantage of by different people (not just men). I wish I had had someone had noticed and looked out for me.

Cakeandusername · 19/09/2025 14:30

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to flag there may be something more going on, lots of females aren’t diagnosed as ND until older.
If she’s thinking of university maybe suggest a gap year first to grow up a bit.

Violinist64 · 19/09/2025 14:40

Bladderpool · 19/09/2025 11:10

Soun a bit like Williams Syndrome, has she been diagnosed with any neurodivergent condition?

If it were Williams syndrome, the OP's daughter would almost certainly not be in a mainstream school. Williams causes learning disabilities as well as the classic facial features and overfriendliness.lt is rare and would have been diagnosed in babyhood or very early childhood.

Violinist64 · 19/09/2025 14:47

My daughter was very similar in behaviour to yours at around the same age and is at the mild end of the autistic spectrum. ASD was my first thought when reading your first post. People on the autistic spectrum tend to mature later than neurotypical people but they get there in the end. My daughter is now in her late twenties and has a masters degree (distinction), works, lives in a lovely basement flat, drives, has friends and a good social life. She still has some quirks but these are part of her personality.

Calliopespa · 19/09/2025 14:48

JadziaD · 19/09/2025 11:13

You are contradicting yourself. You clearly think it is a problem but then you say it's not a problem to be fixed. Either it is or it isn't - does she have friends? Perform okay at school? Take part in sport or other extra curricular? Could she manage a job of some sort? If the answer to any of these is no, then perhaps it IS a problem and one that needs ot be dealt with.

The question is whether she's just a bit immature and quirky and will either grow out of it or find her place in the world. Or if she genuinely doesn't understand basic social interactions and might need more support? Young women who are immature and who don't understand appropriate behaviours are particularly vulnerable.

Have you ever discussed any of this with teachers at school or the SENCO?

This post is so spiky and I'm not sure why.

OP is just casting round for opinions, not defending herself in a court of law.

There are worse issues op, but I can see why it might be starting to bother you. I'd start with the enthusiasm on meeting people and have a chat to her about . giving people space. She might open up as to what her thinking is ie; she may say she feels shy and it is a role she has played over and over so uses it as a crutch, or she may not realise people don't always appreciate it. Her answers may give you a steer as to what is driving it.

If she is small in stature she might have just got stuck in a rut of what she feels "works" for her in a social setting. Could you suggest her teachers give her some role of responsibility or similar to bring out another side of her?

Fruitlips · 19/09/2025 14:52

What is your relationship like with her Op?

I can’t shake sense that that way you talk about her… well, you don’t seem to think much of her

Autumnpug7 · 19/09/2025 14:56

Lots of people saying it's not autism
Op I was diagnosed age 50 with autism
That was a lifetime of not coping,and being drugged up with every antidepressant possible,one after another after another, because I kept getting told I was depressed,every time I reached out for help .
I was fobbed off constantly by doctors,they don't have the time or patience to notice a woman with autism...just like teachers with 30 in their class don't notice the shy girl not talking,they are just glad she is behaving.
A lifetime of forcing myself to try to fit in to a box not made for me ,a lifetime of being taken advantage of in lots of not nice ways .
If there is any possibility she may be autistic, getting a diagnosis will help her understand herself,so she can live a life that's true to herself,and understand her strengths and weaknesses,.
Understanding is power

justasking111 · 19/09/2025 15:00

Bladderpool · 19/09/2025 11:10

Soun a bit like Williams Syndrome, has she been diagnosed with any neurodivergent condition?

My friends son has William syndrome. You can't miss the physical appearance.

Homegrownberries · 19/09/2025 15:06

"Very very eccentric" isn't just young for her age. It is definitely something to be investigated. You would be doing her a disservice if you do not trust your instinct and follow up on it.

Start by reading up on autism in girls.

Sam390 · 19/09/2025 15:30

Plastictreees · 19/09/2025 12:29

There is far too much labelling and pathologising in this thread. I say this as a psychologist. OP it’s not clear what your concern here really is? It sounds as though your daughter does well at school, has friends, no concerns have ever been raised about her. She herself doesn’t appear to be suffering in anyway?

We all have an idea in our minds about how someone ‘should’ be and I think it’s worth exploring this, and what your own childhood was like. The previous suggestion of the book ‘The Book All Parents Should Read and Your Children Will Be Glad You Did’ is a good one.

As a mother your job is to notice and champion your daughter’s strengths. By all means provide opportunity for independence, critical thinking and learning. But she doesn’t need to be ‘toughened up’. Young people are in such a rush to grow up and it can be a lovely thing when some aren’t. Meet her where she is. She has the whole rest of her life to grow up and become downtrodden!

Yes and she has the whole rest of her life to be taken advantage of because she's vulnerable due to her naivety and emotional immaturity. What a bunch of bull, I'm glad you never saw my DS.

OP she is sounding typical of someone with ASD, what would have been Aspergers syndrome in old money. Keep encouraging her independence in small steps with lots of help and support from you. She's done well to cope so well at secondary school but she might find 'the real world' far more difficult.

Plastictreees · 19/09/2025 15:33

Sam390 · 19/09/2025 15:30

Yes and she has the whole rest of her life to be taken advantage of because she's vulnerable due to her naivety and emotional immaturity. What a bunch of bull, I'm glad you never saw my DS.

OP she is sounding typical of someone with ASD, what would have been Aspergers syndrome in old money. Keep encouraging her independence in small steps with lots of help and support from you. She's done well to cope so well at secondary school but she might find 'the real world' far more difficult.

No need for hostility, or an armchair pseudo diagnosis.

NotToday1l · 19/09/2025 15:34

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:06

I have a 17 years old daughter, and frankly, she is very very eccentric. She acts so much younger than her age and everyone her age kind of sees her as a little sister. That is not necessarily a problem but she also looks and sound way younger than someone her age typically would. She is graduating from high school next year and she will be officially an adult.

She gets so attached to everyone and greets people very enthusiastically even though they might not return the same energy. When she gets excited she gets really excited and she looks up to certain people a lot. Obviously she's not a problem to be fixed but I do think this is a bit of a problem. Is at a lost.

Will she be going to university or what is her plan for the future?

Newsunflower · 19/09/2025 15:35

A family member of a close friend has Williams Syndrome, and it does indeed sound like this. Being very ‘young’ emotionally for their age, and being very enthusiastic and close with everyone.
From what I observed with this person, in terms of emotional development the ‘childhood’ phase extends through the teens and into the twenties - it is very sweet and endearing, but of course also makes them vulnerable. The ‘teenage’ phase tends to come in late twenties/early thirties.

CeciliaMars · 19/09/2025 15:37

Being very childlike can be a sign of autism in girls.

Ladamesansmerci · 19/09/2025 15:38

She sounds lovely.

OP, I'm eccentric. I'm a 31 year old woman with an extensive teddy collection. I collect Pokémon cards and play it on my switch. I play DnD, board games, and video games. I have a Sphynx cat and pet rats. I come across a little offbeat socially. People also find me funny, and I have lots of friends, I'm married with a child, and I'm a mental health nurse. I'm 100% an undiagnosed neurodivergent lol and it hasn't held me back. Your daughter could be too, but even if she isn't, everyone is just different. Isn't it fun to be a bit quirky or eccentric? The world would be so dull if everyone was the same. Also, isn't it a shame that when we become adults, we're expected to drop all the fun things from childhood? What makes some hobbies more childish than others? Why is it acceptable for adults to collect candles or stamps, but not plushies or trading cards? Who cares! The world is full of different people and she will find her crowd.

Also, being friendly and warm is a lovely trait. If she is too trusting and therefore vulnerable to exploitation or harm in anyway, spend some time talking to her about people and their intentions, and warning signs that someone may not be so nice.

BadgernTheGarden · 19/09/2025 15:39

Bladderpool · 19/09/2025 11:40

I didn’t “label” anyone, why are you so aggressive?

A friends dd has Williams and the op’s dd sounds similar. She posted for advice and opinions, please stop policing my input thank you very much.

But aren't there physical and learning problems with Williams syndrome? The OP didn't mention anything other than being immature and a bit overly friendly.

Calliopespa · 19/09/2025 15:41

Plastictreees · 19/09/2025 12:29

There is far too much labelling and pathologising in this thread. I say this as a psychologist. OP it’s not clear what your concern here really is? It sounds as though your daughter does well at school, has friends, no concerns have ever been raised about her. She herself doesn’t appear to be suffering in anyway?

We all have an idea in our minds about how someone ‘should’ be and I think it’s worth exploring this, and what your own childhood was like. The previous suggestion of the book ‘The Book All Parents Should Read and Your Children Will Be Glad You Did’ is a good one.

As a mother your job is to notice and champion your daughter’s strengths. By all means provide opportunity for independence, critical thinking and learning. But she doesn’t need to be ‘toughened up’. Young people are in such a rush to grow up and it can be a lovely thing when some aren’t. Meet her where she is. She has the whole rest of her life to grow up and become downtrodden!

Hear hear!

Sometimes things do need specific help or diagnosis, but there is a worrying trend to want to pathologise and homogenise all behaviours these days, even those that are not particularly troubling, just quirky.

I also notice how growing up as fast as possible is celebrated as somehow superior, yet it seems to me to bring plenty of problems with it.

That said, op, I'd talk to her about allowing people space socially and see what her response is. All young people need guidance on certain things and we sometimes forget to notice how we are presenting. I remember my mum pointing out to a young teen me that a boy I had a crush on and I were "circling each other like dogs on heat." I think we were (always trying to brush when we walked past each other etc) and it made me take notice and be a little more subtle! It worked too, as he asked me out!

theDudesmummy · 19/09/2025 15:47

I was very immature/naive at 17, I was teased and laughed at, it didn't help that I was at an all-girls' school and was scared of boys, and was a later developer physically. I was also quite "eccentric" in that I didn't follow any modern culture (this was in the 1970s and I had no idea about the music etc, I won a Thin Lizzy record in a raffle and I had never heard of them and was amazed when I played it, I had never heard such music before).

I was very upset the day I overheard my grandfather saying "she's such a funny little thing, how will she ever get a boyfriend?" I never really forgave him.

Then I went to university (still aged 17 actually). I reinvented myself, grew up and had potential boyfriends coming out of my ears, like any normal 17-year-old on a male-dominated course. I went on to have a very successful professional life. My personal life has been interesting (first marriage ended in divorce but that was not my doing) but I have had a great time overall. I remained a bit "eccentric" in that I have made some bold and unusual decisions in my life and have never "played it safe" but I am not noticeably odd.

Am I autistic? No diagnosis but I do wonder sometimes (I happen to know a lot about it because of my profession) . My son is.

It is fine to be "different". But she also does need to learn, as PP have said, about things like keeping safe and, sadly, being aware that not everyone is a good person.

SpidersAreShitheads · 19/09/2025 15:50

TeaCupTornado · 19/09/2025 12:07

Why is everyone so quick to jump to diagnosing or suggesting people have a neurodivergent condition...its become societally acceptable for joe public to be suggesting diagnosis for other kids and adults and i think thats a dangerous path for us as a society.

No wonder the UK has problems with anxiety and spikes in diagnosis.

It clogs up the system for children and adults who have complex needs.

Some people have quirks and a thing called a personality...

We're not all robots.

Is the girl unhappy in the OP, doesn't sound like she is. Immature maybe but shes only 17 and im sure experiences like further education or work will round her out...I'd be concerned if she was 25 and acting like this.

There isn’t a spike in diagnoses because people are being made aware of what autism can look like in women and girls.

The so-called “spike” is because the assessment criteria is based on an outdated classical male presentation which meant there were generations of women who were left undiagnosed.

Growing awareness and understanding means that females who would have previously been dismissed are now being identified. That’s actually a good thing. I don’t understand the sniffy comments about this - the rate of neurodivergence is still very small, even with the much-maligned “spike”.

If you don’t know what autism in girls can look like, it’s very easy to miss it. Even medical professionals and teachers often don’t know what to look for as they’ve been trained on the stereotypical neurodivergent male. I think it’s helpful for people who have experience of neurodivergence to suggest that OP looks into this in more detail.

None of us can or should diagnose, but if there’s a chance of this being neurodivergence then OP should definitely look closer and either get it confirmed or ruled out.

For reference, I have autistic twins, one of whom also has a very significant learning disability. I got diagnosed after they were - I really wish I’d known earlier as it would have saved a lifetime of feeling lost and inadequate.

Glassdesigns · 19/09/2025 15:57

Young people with autism are often emotionally immature. Maybe a 1/3rd younger than their actual age emotionally is what I’ve heard. The differences do become more noticeable as they grow older and peers mature.
I don’t know if it’s relevant OP, but might be worth investigating.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/09/2025 15:58

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:06

I have a 17 years old daughter, and frankly, she is very very eccentric. She acts so much younger than her age and everyone her age kind of sees her as a little sister. That is not necessarily a problem but she also looks and sound way younger than someone her age typically would. She is graduating from high school next year and she will be officially an adult.

She gets so attached to everyone and greets people very enthusiastically even though they might not return the same energy. When she gets excited she gets really excited and she looks up to certain people a lot. Obviously she's not a problem to be fixed but I do think this is a bit of a problem. Is at a lost.

At risk of sounding like an armchair psychiatrist, I think greeting people who might not return the same enthusiasm shows inability to read intent and could fall under the social deficit criteria in autism.

I also think that having "childish" or unusual interests, especially if they're intense could fall under the restrictive and repetitive criteria too.

I agree with other PPs that it also sounds like she could have Williams syndrome, but people with Williams syndrome usually have some distinct and unique facial features. There are also usually co-occuring cardiovascular issues, developmental delays and connective tissue abnormalities, which you've not mentioned any of these so it seems less likely to be Williams.

For many of us autistic women, diagnoses don't come until later in life when the deficits in communication, understanding intent, displaying naivety, and not being able to recognise emotions really sticks out as the supports in place from childhood are no longer there. There are no longer teachers supporting friendship groups or encouraging cooperation, or safeguarding against others with poor intent. We often assume people have the best intentions.

We don't always have sensory sensitivities, in fact, sensory sensitivities alone aren't part of the diagnostic criteria. They can play a part in restrictive and repetitive interests/movements/rigidity, but being hyper/hyposensitive to sensory input isn't necessarily part of the criteria.

It's also overlooked in a lot of women especially as the stereotypical social and communication challenges function around low register, less likely to engage especially if something is not of interest, not being able to make friends or form friendships, and often overlooks the challenges that come with being hyperverbal and extremely sociable even though there are clearly deficits if she can't read someones intentions, mood, energy levels, and forces herself into conversation with people.

I worked for Starbucks for some time, doing an apprenticeship, and I was very much hyperverbal, pushing myself into conversation, and I made for a great sales person, because I could push their coffee of the week, rewards cards systems, additional extras primarily because I couldn't see the disinterest that people had, and my workplace used this to their advantage. I was young, barely 18, and I found it such a strength, but then as I moved on from that workplace into other settings, and found myself having to form my own social groups and not finding a community that had been manufactured by schools or employers, it became really apparent that what I was doing was more of a weakness than a strength, and was considered abnormal and restrictive. I'll spare you the long story, but it lead to a lot of sticky situations with male friends and not being able to pick up on their social cues, and lead to some rather intimate actions that I felt I couldn't advocate for myself for or get out of because I had "led them on". Me thinking I was being friendly, and them thinking I was being friendlier. So I do think that you need to consider the wider safeguarding ramifications given the deficits you've listed.

I think the average age for diagnosing women is 36-37, and it's that high for a reason. A good psychiatrist will be able to ask you the right questions to confirm that these struggles were in place as a child just less evident as she had the right support structures around her at the time. They may also ask her to take part in a CATQ screening for masking.

Having childish interests and hobbies in itself is not an issue, but it is restrictive in the fact that she will struggle to form relationships with peers appropriate to her age group, and that's how they would view it in an assessment setting.

She is almost an adult, so I would do some research and see if she would consider an assessment, but I think your immediate worries need to be around safeguarding her and preparing her for adult life, and most importantly helping her understand consent and cultivating a safe space with you to talk about any issues that may arise due to her communication deficits.

ChangingWeight · 19/09/2025 16:28

She just sounds inexperienced in life, more so than the average 17 year old.

Most 17 year olds have seen enough of the world to not be enthusiastic with everyone they meet, they would have a sense of sussing out danger, appropriateness, even just bad vibes. Eg I wouldn’t expect her to greet someone up to no good enthusiastically.

Having babyish interests isn’t a big deal, but that’s a side her friends may see of her as opposed to everyone she comes across. Like when I was 17 I had mainstream interests and niche interests but only people I were close to would be aware of everything.

I don’t think there’s a fix to this, most people just learn from experience. She probably needs to socialise more, and to be honest, get stung more in terms of knowing when to reel it in.

StudentAdviser369 · 19/09/2025 16:29

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Climbingrosexx · 19/09/2025 16:47

I know someone who is just very enthusiastic, she will talk to absolutely anyone, is bubbly and giggly. In my opinion a bit over familiar with people she has only just met, gets involved in everyone's business (suppose you could say a bit of a busybody) and gives out hugs like they are going out of fashion. I just think that's her personality though. If you told her to take a step back I don't think she would know how to. Nothing wrong with her it's just who she is