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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

my 17 year old daughter is so babyish

170 replies

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:06

I have a 17 years old daughter, and frankly, she is very very eccentric. She acts so much younger than her age and everyone her age kind of sees her as a little sister. That is not necessarily a problem but she also looks and sound way younger than someone her age typically would. She is graduating from high school next year and she will be officially an adult.

She gets so attached to everyone and greets people very enthusiastically even though they might not return the same energy. When she gets excited she gets really excited and she looks up to certain people a lot. Obviously she's not a problem to be fixed but I do think this is a bit of a problem. Is at a lost.

OP posts:
bevm72yellow · 19/09/2025 20:01

She needs out of her comfort zone. Meeting people, going to an event that she likes and putting in the effort to get there.( particularly somewhere far away to improve confidence. She sounds neurodivergent in her quirks and personality, seeing the best in everyone. Consider getting her assessed as it may explains feelings or behaviours she has you may not be aware of especially in group or friend environments.

SunnySideDeepDown · 19/09/2025 20:03

Motnight · 19/09/2025 11:08

Genuinely, why is this a problem?

I’d assume because having a child who’s socially delayed may cause problems and vulnerabilities for her child in adulthood?

Its really not hard to comprehend.

SunnySideDeepDown · 19/09/2025 20:04

She sounds behind socially, is she behind in any other aspects of life?

Fruitlips · 19/09/2025 20:04

SunnySideDeepDown · 19/09/2025 20:03

I’d assume because having a child who’s socially delayed may cause problems and vulnerabilities for her child in adulthood?

Its really not hard to comprehend.

This Op isn’t concerned
she’s annoyed

WhereAreWeNow · 19/09/2025 20:05

She sounds a bit like my DD who's also 17 and recently diagnosed with autism.

stovokor · 19/09/2025 20:09

She just sounds like a slow developer tbh.
I was a bit like that. I was going to take about six stuffed toys with me to uni (and not in a ‘cute’ way, I had an immature attachment to them) until my mum stopped me. I didn't kiss a boy till I was 21. I caught up eventually in my mid-late 20s. I’m now fully independent, have a good job etc.
Has she led quite a sheltered life?
She might benefit from a gap year.

HateThursdays · 19/09/2025 20:14

If you draw attention to it you might destroy any confidence she has. I’ve seen it happen. Quirky, happy, muddling along gets “corrected” and become shy, withdrawn and unhappy.
Let her find herself would be my advice, don’t try and model her into who you want her to be.

Illegally18 · 19/09/2025 20:15

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/09/2025 11:32

My DD is similar only very shy.
She's nearly 17, she's very sweet, babyish voice, at her age I'd left school, had a job, drank, smoked, I'm glad she has a very different lifestyle to mine, she was diagnosis with asd aged 7, born with a muscle disorder.
Her Christmas list always includes toys.
I don't know what the answer is for toughening her up.

But your daughter has ASD, and a muscular disorder. This is a very different situation and will slow down her development. The OP's daughter doesn't have those issues AFAIK.

Just adding, smoking and drinking never made anyone adult, except for those that thought it was so.

Teanandtoast · 19/09/2025 20:56

Bladderpool · 19/09/2025 11:10

Soun a bit like Williams Syndrome, has she been diagnosed with any neurodivergent condition?

Hey one of my little ones is going for tests for Williams syndrome, do you have any knowledge or experience of this, genuine question I'm seeing if I can fine other parents whilst we're waiting for tests x

Gall10 · 19/09/2025 21:47

Bladderpool · 19/09/2025 11:40

I didn’t “label” anyone, why are you so aggressive?

A friends dd has Williams and the op’s dd sounds similar. She posted for advice and opinions, please stop policing my input thank you very much.

I’m not policing anyone’s input…merely voicing an opinion…please don’t be so aggressive!

Createausername1970 · 19/09/2025 21:54

Sounds like my DS in many ways.

He is 23 and he works, but he would definitely struggle to look after himself.

He was diagnosed ASD at 20. But he has always been very young for his age. Yesterday he was sitting cross legged on his bedroom floor playing with those polystyrene airplanes that you slot together.

He is 23 going on 13.

deusexmacintosh · 19/09/2025 22:53

mumofoneAloneandwell · 19/09/2025 11:41

I was like this as a teen

I was also incredibly naive and vulnerable

I now have my autism diagnosis in my 30s xx

I agree with your concern in your op. Bad things can happen to girls with autism, who seem able to cope with the world. People take advantage and youre a target for bullying. And it doesnt age well and becomes noticeable after a while.

Could you have a frank conversation with her? Is she going to uni?

Maybe you could frame it as a series of life lessons. Set up your own mini curriculum of things you need to teach her such as

Male attention
What to expect in a social situation at work
What to expect at a party
What to say and not to say in various situations

Maybe you could draw a diagram of friendship tiers and how to behave among each tier, ie:
Close friends - completely yourself
Aquaintances - more reserved
non friends, etc etc

Autistic people in my own experience need to be taught about each specific social scenario to be adequately prepared for them

Above all, its important that she knows that she is loved for who she is by her mum.

That she has her diagnosis and understands that she needs to spend more time than others working out how to socialise

Best of luck ❤️

Edited

Well said. I have ADHD and was also remarkably childlike and naive in my mid teens to the point my freinds were sometimes shocked by my ignorance of other people's tone, meaning, intentions. I can relate to your post, and OPs daughter too.

My executive dysfunction and self absorption meant I needed a lot of alone time, which helped filter a lot of shallow, undesirable, dangerous people, and If someone unsettled or upset me I'd instantly ghost/distance from them, which again probably saved me from futher drama, abuse etc.

But I was totally unable to understand social hierarchies and deal with people who were not kind, nice or supportive. In dealings with people in my wider life, I was reflecting my own good nature onto others and expecting identical levels of honourable behaviour, morals, integrity etc in return.

I wasn't interested in boys, neither as freinds nor romantically, and wasn't into drinking and parties or clubbing, which meant I had 0 negative experiences with men. But I had a tough, miserable time at uni on a cutthroat course, with some very egotistical, sabotaging coursemates and bullying academics. I was exploited a little in 1 or 2 of my female friendships, and didn't spot the signs until late into my 20s.

My parents seemed to think it was willful ignorance on my part and saw no need to explain anything to me. Social skills training would have saved so much grief in the workplace, too, where poor social intuition meant I had a tendency to blurt things out and couldn't see obvious issues or skilled manipulation coming until it was way too late.

OP - If your daughter will agree to an assessment, it wouldn't do any harm. Her lack of self awareness is telling, most girls are very socially astute by 17/18 or at least beginning to develop strong self awareness. Being academically sound but socially clueless is classic female asd and adhd.

Have a look at autism communities online, as well as articles and books by Tony Atwood, Temple Grandin, Sarah Hendrix, Judith Gould (all experts in female autism). Your DD may not be autistic at all, but there is some overlap between ASC and adhd traits and other neurodivergent conditions so any ASC research will be informative.

Working on social skills training is useful, even if she catches up with her peers later. But girls often mask well. I masked with a kind of passive cheerfulness, without even noticing that was what I was doing. If there is an undiagnosed condition, you won't know till she hits a roadblock or has a bad experience that really hits her hard emotionally. That's what led me to diagnosis in my late 20s, I burned out completely and couldn't cope. Diagnosis and intervention at 14 or 15 would have saved me so much misery and suffering and prevented my worst adhd traits becoming entrenched.

There's no shame in having an ND daughter or being ND. She may well test negative, i know people who have. If she tests positive, with the right support she will be fine, but she will need it ASAP as support services for adults are like unicorns.

Plumnora · 20/09/2025 00:30

Gall10 · 19/09/2025 11:37

FFS why does everyone have to be labeled with a syndrome/ acronym/initails/ condition/diagnosis these days?
Everyone is a little bit different to the next person : as an analogy it takes a lot of different vegetables to make a good soup!
Let’s enjoy our children/family/friends with all their different quirks & personalities!

Because back when we didn't understand about Neurodiversity, people on the spectrum were still labelled by society but they were called "odd" and "clumsy" and "ditzy" and they struggled through life with no guidance and having to deal with the labels people gave them as well as having to manage issues with anxiety and low self esteem.
Labels can help children and adults who feel at odds with the rest of the world to find an identity and to reassure them that there are reasons for certain feels and behaviours.
Thats why. It really shouldn't have any bearing on your life so why get so narky about it?

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 20/09/2025 01:59

NotToday1l · 19/09/2025 15:34

Will she be going to university or what is her plan for the future?

She is planning to go to university right after school.

OP posts:
SweetnsourNZ · 20/09/2025 03:32

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:16

It has become more and more noticeable as she is growing up. She is keeping up at school grades wise and no I haven't heard anything from teachers or anyone from school.

Unfortunately you probably wont hear anything from school unless she is causing trouble in some way. They are so overloaded with sn kids and no resources they don't need more. Not teachers fault really. It's a worldwide issue. You need to make an appointment with gp yourself and try to get a professional assessment yourself.

SweetnsourNZ · 20/09/2025 03:33

ThisSillyAquaPlayer · 19/09/2025 11:27

She is very naive and never thinks twice about everyone's intentions.

Sounds like she could have Peter Pan Syndrome.

SweetnsourNZ · 20/09/2025 03:37

Bladderpool · 19/09/2025 11:40

I didn’t “label” anyone, why are you so aggressive?

A friends dd has Williams and the op’s dd sounds similar. She posted for advice and opinions, please stop policing my input thank you very much.

Doesn't Williams syndrome have certain physical traits too though, like a battered tongue and hips at the back? I used to look after a boy who had this, he was diagnosed as a baby.

Fruitlips · 20/09/2025 05:15

OP what is your relationship like with her?

Nat6999 · 20/09/2025 05:22

Could she have ASD? I'm ASD & with hindsight was a good 3-4 years behind my peers emotionally, I would probably have done better at my exams if I could have done them at 18/19 as I just wasn't mature enough at 16. I got a job at 18 & stuck out like a sore thumb as I was immature compared to colleagues who were the same age. Don't push her to grow up, let her mature at her own pace.

Comtesse · 20/09/2025 05:29

I was very young for my age when I was 17 too, largely because I had a very sheltered upbringing (ie Stately Homes style controlling, overly protective parents). Couldn’t get myself around, not good socially, clueless about boys, had never had a job, no experience of managing money. I don’t think I’m ND in any way, it was more about my narrow, kind of hothoused upbringing. University was liberating and I did a lot of catching up, still a bit clueless in my early twenties but I’m now very socially adept.

OP does your DD have opportunities to build her independence in a safe way?

Ticktockk · 20/09/2025 06:26

Maybe going against the grain a bit, but I think she sounds absolutely delightful. If more people were so eager and welcoming, the world would be a better place.

Gall10 · 20/09/2025 11:22

Plumnora · 20/09/2025 00:30

Because back when we didn't understand about Neurodiversity, people on the spectrum were still labelled by society but they were called "odd" and "clumsy" and "ditzy" and they struggled through life with no guidance and having to deal with the labels people gave them as well as having to manage issues with anxiety and low self esteem.
Labels can help children and adults who feel at odds with the rest of the world to find an identity and to reassure them that there are reasons for certain feels and behaviours.
Thats why. It really shouldn't have any bearing on your life so why get so narky about it?

Oxford English dictionary gives explanation for ‘narky’ as bad tempered. I’d suggest you’re the one being ‘narky’. I was giving my opinion that everyone doesn’t nee to be labeled. Hope you’re having a great day!

Plumnora · 20/09/2025 14:07

Gall10 · 20/09/2025 11:22

Oxford English dictionary gives explanation for ‘narky’ as bad tempered. I’d suggest you’re the one being ‘narky’. I was giving my opinion that everyone doesn’t nee to be labeled. Hope you’re having a great day!

Absolutely! I was definitely annoyed! Hence my response to your comment...
I wasn't aware I was claiming not to be?!
I'm having a a great day thanks! I hope you are too.

Cakeandusername · 20/09/2025 14:34

Is uni straight from school wise? I’m on a facebook group for uni parents and there’s lots of posts re kids who clearly are struggling and would have benefited from growing up a bit first.

GetaitdownyouLove · 20/09/2025 16:39

Plumnora · 20/09/2025 00:30

Because back when we didn't understand about Neurodiversity, people on the spectrum were still labelled by society but they were called "odd" and "clumsy" and "ditzy" and they struggled through life with no guidance and having to deal with the labels people gave them as well as having to manage issues with anxiety and low self esteem.
Labels can help children and adults who feel at odds with the rest of the world to find an identity and to reassure them that there are reasons for certain feels and behaviours.
Thats why. It really shouldn't have any bearing on your life so why get so narky about it?

I completely relate to your comment @Plumnora having recently had my young dc diagnosed. He was so pleased to know what was making him feel the way he did. He also talks to others at school who also have the same "labels." It has helped. If we have names, we have symptoms, if we have symptoms we can tailor treatment to alleviate them.

There are so many adults who would have hugely benefitted from having a diagnosis (which wasn't recognised in the past), and known they are not alone, and not weird. If anything there is not enough awareness imho of the sometimes associated conditions with ADHD Autism.

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