Sad beyond words

[Wantachangefor2024]

Soo this feels pathetic and I can’t confide in the friends i have for fear of guilt tripping them or outing myself out to being so pathetic but i am lonely beyond words. I’m 35 and all of my friends are married, live at the different ends of the country, busy with stuff going on and I broke up with my partner two years ago and been single since and the loneliness I feel. Having no one to discuss the day to day with. All that conversation has ended with him and my friends. They are too bogged down with their own inner circle to have that talk and time for me. And I get it. I’m not jealous or resentful, just gut wrenchingly lonely. How does one make friends at this stage of life really?? So I’m posting here in case anyone else is in a similar boat and from South Yorkshire.

I get it completely. Do you have parents, siblings or other family you can call after getting in from work? I guess not, or you’d be calling them. For me the answer was to get a pet. Not the same, but comfort of a different sort.

eta: And mumsnet.

I do but my parents are in their 70’s so as much as I love them and talk to them, they don’t know a lot of what I want to talk about. I have a pet! Meeting up now is a big ordeal, organised well in advance. I miss having someone to go for a coffee with, see a film etc. or general girly chit chat. I wish their was a group chat for those who stayed with their ex just so they had someone to go on holiday with and talk about inane crap with.

Hey OP.

I get it, I was single after a tough break up in my mid 30s and felt the same as you ❤️

Its rubbish but no one is coming to save you so you have to build a new life for yourself.

Things that helped me (might not help you but it gives you some ideas)

Saying yes to any invites…
I got a cat (massively helped)
Got an evening bar job a couple of evenings per week (also massively helped)
Gym/swimming regularly
Focused on making my home a lovely place to be
Lots of boxsets
A good routine (good for my mental health)

I also started exploring having a baby alone…

Best of luck to you. Things can get much better x

I get it. I moved to a different country in my 40s and have found it hard to make friends. I have ‘friends’ in the sense of having coffee with a few people but it’s all superficial chit chat and pleasantries. I don’t know how to make friends in middle age but I’m here for the answers and a hand hold.

I'm sorry to hear this OP, sending hugs 🫂
Are you a church-goer, or do you have certain hobbies or interests, such as walking for a walking group, a running (local Harriers) club or bicycling club perhaps?
Perhaps knit and natter or photography club (check out the community centre and local libraryfor all the above) 😇

There are also webgroups that you could perhaps join, like meetup, ladies circle or Spice social? You could meet and make new friends that way? 💕

Oh yes like pp said, mumsnet was a lifeline x

I'm in East riding if you want to be friends

I do go to Filey a lot as we have a cottage and it’s so dog friendly ☺️

I've found sports like things, cycling, tennis, badminton a great way to meet people and make new friends. Also say yes to every invite - it does take time.

Also forgot to add, local parks are always looking for volunteers for their community group, and you only need to volunteer a couple of hours per month usually. You may meet like minded people there, whether or not you're green fingered 😇 also being outside in the fresh air is a bonus 💕

Sounds like excuses but I can’t really add an evening job onto my workload, I have a dog, I go the gym regularly. I joined so many gym classes and I even thought about moving gyms in an act of desperation to see if I’d make friends there. Everyone is friendly, we chat….but they aren’t my friends. I’ve even considered a career change so I could possibly meet new people and friends. I couldn’t feel any more pathetic and I can laugh it off but it’s really getting to me. I cried so hard the other night like I’ve never cried in my life.

How did pursuing a baby alone go if I can ask?

♥️ you are brave moving to another country. It’s hard with the surface level chat, how are you? Over and over again. I think what’s got to me is my long standing friendships are dwindling to that level of chat as we don’t see each other that often. You lost that connection. I’m such girls girl too I crave female company.

I was partway through the process when I met my now husband. Long story short we had a son when I was 40 after several miscarriages. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me 💙

If you want a family I’d say don’t wait and go for it if you’re able to x

Do you see other dogs walkers on your dog walks or are you on a quick timeline/ certain route? 🐕

It sounds silly I know, but my brother in law is single, and when he first got a dog, he would walk him in the local park and got he then got chatting to other dog walkers. 🐶
He made friends and now they meet up and chat most days which has done him the world of good 😇

I was in this siutation 5 years ago, and I isolated myself and it got worse.

I isloated myself because it is emotionally exhausting always being the "third wheel" and having the same starter conversations over and over again. You also feel incredibly vulnerable because you crave some deeper connection but all your friends have moved on. I felt like a toy in a GP waiting room, in that people only play with you beacuse you are there, not because they have any real care for you.

I was also struggling with relationships because of the people pleasing tendenceies at the beginning, leading to dissfactisfaction at the end.

The good news is I survived it and have come out the other side. I have even had a full diary this week and have got some good supportive conversations.

I started treating myself like I would want to be treated like a partner. Creating a stable financial situation, working out what I wanted to do on holiday etc... and now I am much happier.

This is relatable. I’m in my 40’s married but no kids. Everyone else is busy being a parent. I’m not as it’s been a struggle to convince. I have friends but it’s hard to relate. Especially when life gets tough, most people don’t want to hear it. They want to keep it surface level and light. I can understand that in some ways.

I found joining a few clubs that are local. Stop putting time into one sided friendships as it just makes you feel worse.

Accept that everyone has their own timeline for things and try doing something new like a regular gym class etc.

You’ll get there, you just need to break your current patterns.

Join a sports club that is social i.e. goes to the pub after. Badminton, tennis, (touch) rugby, football, climbing, martial arts. Try a few until you find one that feels right. It's very different from the gym or classes because of the social element, and in my experience full of single people in their 30s/40s.

We’re in a loneliness epidemic. I’ve seen loads of people post on social media local groups looking for new friends. My friend did this when she moved to a new town now I’m also friends with her new friends. There are also loads of local women’s activity groups on facebook and there used to be local meet-ups on here too, you’ll defo find your tribe.
good luck

Honestly. Not helpful

I never see anything and if you see any meet ups on here could you nudge me where to look, thank you! I have the kind of friends where everything is to do with image so they’d love it as a topic of discussion and gossip if I were making announcements on social media. I wish I didn’t care. But I do.

Amazing outcome for you in end, minus the struggle to get there 🤍 I think we are sold a lie that we’ll meet the right person and a family will just happen. I am holding out a little longer as I’d love a traditional family unit but then possibly consider it x

I know how you feel. I have no family or friends. I do have the married men at work who tell me how they're going to have sex with me though which really makes things so much better, not. They don't know i have no one, but it proves the point why I don't. As horrible and lonely as it is, and sometimes it's unbearable, I don't want to be with them. I hope you feel happier soon

I'm in South Yorkshire, and there are lots of groups that I keep meaning to do. Lots of games workshops, art meet ups, foraging clubs etc.

What would really bend my arm is some sort of stitch and bitch where I can crochet till my heart is content. I've not found one locally and I don't drive, so that's really frustrating. I'd even set one up if I could find a willing venue.

I also feel lonely a lot of the time, but I'm not good at making plans and my social battery drains so fast so I can see why people pull away from me, because I can't match that energy. But I do sometimes still wish I could synchronise calendars with old friends and get it all out.

Is this where you're looking OP? https://www.meetup.com/find/?msockid=070824d1631b651a3f9332e4628b64ab&location=gb--37--Doncaster&source=EVENTS You can change Doncaster to your own home town (I just chose a random town in South Yorkshire!)