Sad beyond words

[Wantachangefor2024]

Soo this feels pathetic and I can’t confide in the friends i have for fear of guilt tripping them or outing myself out to being so pathetic but i am lonely beyond words. I’m 35 and all of my friends are married, live at the different ends of the country, busy with stuff going on and I broke up with my partner two years ago and been single since and the loneliness I feel. Having no one to discuss the day to day with. All that conversation has ended with him and my friends. They are too bogged down with their own inner circle to have that talk and time for me. And I get it. I’m not jealous or resentful, just gut wrenchingly lonely. How does one make friends at this stage of life really?? So I’m posting here in case anyone else is in a similar boat and from South Yorkshire.

As much as I don’t want to be rude. Please don’t private message if you are male. If I wanted to meet a man I can do that on tinder, hinge or a night out. I’m looking for FEMALE advice and company. I mean come on, who else am I going to discuss that Rhode is coming to Sephora soon, laugh about toothless and homeless on the housewives and let’s have a girls night when Tommy Shelby returns to our screens in the new peaky blinders film. I am more layered than that and not vacuous but you get my drift.

Please report and block those who DM you, I've reported that earlier creepy post. It's MN not a dating app!

Thank you I didn’t know you could do that. Another dm from “topman” saying I sounded a lot of fun. Screams male!!!

Highly recommend joining an am-dram society! Can be an absolute lifesaver for this sort of situation.

If you don’t want to act, do backstage. Help with props, be a rehearsal prompt, anything really! It’s a great way to make friends because you instantly have a goal and a focus in common, so there’s less of that awkward trying to force a friendship and more of a “we’re in this together.” It’s perfect for finding connection and friends, and I know of a lot of couples who met this way! But the female friendships are like nothing else!

Give it a go!!

you said you might try a different gym. Is there one that has racket sports. DH and I have been playing a lot of padel recently and we’ve both met quite a few people to meet for a game and a cuppa afterwards. I find they tend to be more social than the exercise classes where people just get do their bit then leave.

I to am married but am childless not by choice. It adds another level isolation to things when your friends have all had their children and have moved on with life. I’m OK but I just haven’t found that deep connection with a female friend who just gets me.

I remember feeling like this mid-thirties a couple of years after a break up. I remember sometimes barely talking to anyone a whole weekend.
I think recognising it can be hard to make new friends at that age, but as a lot of people suggest be as open to it and try things that interest you. Most people won't 'stick' as friends, but maybe some will and even others may be short but friendly moments along the way. There are definitely others out there wanting new friendship, but takes time and effort to get past the initial conversations to something deeper.

I used to occasionally book myself on G Adventures or similar trips to dream places like Costa Rica. These were group trips with a guide, so felt very safe for a lone female traveller. Normally there would be a fair few single travellers on a trip and a few couples. It was lovely to spend a couple of weeks with a group of people, who even of you didn't have much in common were all interested in the place you are visiting together. Also I loved booking in advance and having the 'look forward ' to it time.

That's unnecessarily rude. Someone is reaching out to you and you brush them off.

As someone posted upthread, “no one is coming to save you”. I repeated those words to myself every morning when I was lonely and sad after a painful divorce. The suggestion of going to meet ups is a good one. I did that and met some nice people who were in a similar situation. Having pets helped too. I don’t really feel alone because of them. ❤️

He said he was a male with a wink. Read a room.

I can totally relate. I m married tho but aside from my DH literally have no one to talk to. All the same as you said. I m well into my 40s
Dont know if it possible to make good friends later in life. Probably it’s meant to stay quite superficial and not go anywhere deeper past uni age?

Sometimes it can work digging into the past, good example is your school year group or colleagues from your first job, or people from the street you grew up in. Social media and general Internet sleuthing is your friend here.
Regaining past connection can feel very safe and stabilizing as you already have that common ground. A good old reminisce to take you out of yourself.
It's not for everyone, but maybe consider it?

If you can, why not travel around and see what’s out there? You might discover a whole new way of life and even meet people who vibe with you.

A slightly unusual suggestion is to consider joining a church - you don't have to be super religious and you get to meet people over tea and biscuits after the service and there are social occasions and so on. Try different ones till you find one with the right demographics. Most vicars would be thrilled with a new person joining the parish. Anglicans for example are a fairly relaxed and rather secular lot.

I’m down south and there’s loads of Facebook groups regarding meet-ups for women, as in women like you posting for people to make friends and do things with, some of these women sound really interesting and keen to make friends, there must be something similar in Yorkshire? Have you explored Facebook groups?

I think loads of people feel like you, @Wantachangefor2024, even if they have partners and children.

IMHO, it’s naffing WhatsApp groups and social media in general. Lots of people don’t regularly call each other for a chat or meet IRL any more. Plus, the double-whammy of seeing other people posting about their exciting lives, when really it’s all for show and they’re feeling empty inside too.

Then, everyone’s working so hard, and so skint, it can be too tiring and costly to have an in-person social life.

The best thing is to find people via things you enjoy. Are there any local walking groups near you where people bring dogs? Something like community gardening? Could you join a book club? Or go to an evening class? Or online groups for people going to gigs? Even if it’s something you don’t particularly enjoy, it can lead to making friends and then you can develop the friendship by chatting on the phone or meeting up separately.

IME, making friends with people you get on with of any age can lead to making more friends via them and that helps widen your circle.

My mum’s in her 80s and is constantly making new friends.

Don’t give up on having kids. I had mine late 30s/early 40s. No problems.

What is your health like Op?
do you enjoy your job? What industry?

@Wantachangefor2024 hope you don’t mind I’ve dropped you a DM about a group that I attend in Sheffield solely created for this purpose. For example in the next few weeks I’m doing a taster fitness class, pottery painting and an event at lush. I wouldn’t say I’ve made any friends (some people have 100%) but it gives me a chance to get out the house and meet new people

I have gone in and out of stages in my life where I have had deep friendships, they have faded, I have moved around a lot, I have changed industries, moved countries, had children, changed my own beliefs,.priorities, financial situation, been depressed, been desperately lonely, been disconnected, had lots of people I could have contact with but couldn't connect with.

At the moment I have loose connections with 2 outdoor swimming groups, 2 hiking groups, some hippy dippy drumming, singing, pseudo spiritual groups and some individuals I have been brave enough to be brutally honest with who have stepped into my space to connect deeply with and take care of me.

I am going to message you with some more things I would like to share that I don't want to share on here.. I am female, age 53.

I feel exactly the same. I also feel more isolated than ever since my dog passed away as I no longer even see my dog walking friends or have a reason to do certain things. I got a horrible diagnosis this week and literally had no one to talk to or call.

https://open.spotify.com/show/0Etr1ygKlT7aLgrW4B0fyg?si=Z0IN6qLfQF6VKBrznibjpg.

This lady has a series of podcasts aimed at women. The episodes that I listen to are the ones on singing, drumming and swimming.. The one on reclaiming joy is next on my list.

I moved countries in my 40s ( and previously was single at 30) - its hard...
you have to do things that you want to do and enjoy and not just to meet people- otherwise it feels unnatural..
i did meetup - quiz nights and made some really close friends - book club similar - it does take time though - its not just going once or twice and suddenly being friends..
In terms of old friends- i don't talk to my old friends much but when i see them its really close- but i make a lot of effort to see people and always have -

One thing i would say is don't focus on being single- you can be just as lonely in a partnership as without a partner

Try going away with this organisation - they organise holidays, events and retreats for women OP:

https://www.gutsygirls.co.uk/

Which gym are you at? David Lloyd’s have specific social things aimed at exactly what you’re after - and loads of friendships are made there. I’d highly recommend seeing if you have one locally to you.