Sad beyond words

[Wantachangefor2024]

Soo this feels pathetic and I can’t confide in the friends i have for fear of guilt tripping them or outing myself out to being so pathetic but i am lonely beyond words. I’m 35 and all of my friends are married, live at the different ends of the country, busy with stuff going on and I broke up with my partner two years ago and been single since and the loneliness I feel. Having no one to discuss the day to day with. All that conversation has ended with him and my friends. They are too bogged down with their own inner circle to have that talk and time for me. And I get it. I’m not jealous or resentful, just gut wrenchingly lonely. How does one make friends at this stage of life really?? So I’m posting here in case anyone else is in a similar boat and from South Yorkshire.

While im not a fan of make up, anything slightly related to Bieber and im all over it (id say im ashamed of my level of wanting to be involved but I dont think I actually am, gimme that tea) And a bit of Cillian, so much so I named my child after him 🙃😂

My oldest and “closest” friends are the circle from school. The feeling of isolation and being left out really kicked in and started last summer when Oasis announced they were reforming. I just presumed we would be going together as we all went when we were 18 and did gigs etc together. One friend messaged and said how exciting, good luck to me to get tickets, a link to sign up to the ballot and they were stressing as there would be eight of them going together as they were going as a group of couples. I still don’t know if I was being over sensitive but I would never leave one of them out on the basis they were single. It’s not like I’d have gone and held their hands. I honestly cried for days. Again. Pathetic. Then I spent a day of my life trying to get tickets. Failed. And they managed to get all 8 between them. I bought them off viagogo and went with family and other friends but it was a real kick in the guts and it really brought home to me how most of my friendships were non existent unless I was picking them up, buying tickets. Etc.

I get it OP, I have health conditions so anything physical is a big fat no but sometimes I would love to go to the cinema with someone, or even a garden centre to have a browse and a coffee.

Did you start a thread about this Op?

No

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think it's true it's hard for adults to make new friends sometimes. Everyone is always glued to their phone, hundreds of 'online friends/followers' but not interested in meeting new people in real life!

I hope you can join a few new hobbies or groups locally and meet some nice people. I'm nowhere near Yorkshire but I heard people up there were friendly?! Maybe that's just another stereotype.

I've seen my friends twice this year. It's so difficult to find times when everyone is free. I was meant to meet a friend for a drink the other week, he ended up having to work (he's a gardener and couldn't work due to the rain so was having to catch up over the weekend) our next definite date is New Year's Day and I'm holding on to that lol.

I miss going out for lunches, meeting for coffees, going out for dinner. It's like all the fun things have been taken and all I'm left with is work.

Doesn't help I live alone and work from home. Some days I don't talk to a single person. I find myself going to the manned check outs just to have that human interaction.

I tried joining groups, joined a bookclub but they met on a day I'm in the office, was a part of our residents association but I had nothing in common with them. Went to gym classes but they all knew each other, so I was always the odd one out. Tried tennis lessons but again they all knew each other and I was the outsider. Tempted to try boxing lessons as I miss boxing.

Not sure what the answer is, you need friends to happen organically.

Me too , I'm sorry you find yourself in the same position, I do have a great group of young widowed friends but most of them have new partners now and we are spread all over the country so don't see eachother often

Some people seem to have a knack for making / attracting friends. I had someone to stay for a couple of weeks. A very ordinary-looking retired woman. She had a cup of coffee in a cafe and somehow managed to meet a similar age woman who asked her to go on a country walk with her. They went on another walk together the following week. This doesn't happen to me, sadly.

I haven't been on MN very long, but have seen some really toxic, unpleasant behaviour on some threads which tbh was starting to put me off. This thread is restoring my faith and shows how supportive and caring a kind group of people on MN can be. OP, it's hard to believe it right now but things will get better for you 💐

As above, definitely worth trying Meetup,com, which exists specifically for people in your situation as far as I can tell. Not a dating agency, it's for friendship and social activities in your own area.

I will reply to more, as there’s some great suggestions. But I should have been clearer in that I’m not confusing being in a relationship vs friendship. I just mean losing both has doubled my loneliness. I miss having someone to share and talk rubbish with. Whether that be female or male. But I do love and miss female company. We are just different aren’t we? The need to talk about how I can’t shift the hormonal acne on my chin and is there anything better than medik8 and how I have the wicked release date pencilled in my diary for currently a solo date to.

I haven’t considered freezing my eggs in response to the poster who asked as unless it’s fertilised I believe the chances of an egg surviving the thawing process are very slim.

Thanks for this thread op - I am also feeling very lonely at the moment. I have found my school friends are all starting to drift away as well, and now my kids are getting older a lot of the "mum friends" are finding out we don't actually have much in common beyond kids the same age. I acknowledge that I am married and it is a different situation, but I think ultimately my husband and kids can't be replacements for friendship. As you say, it's craving the company of women who "get you" without having to do the "and how are you?" "fine" dance constantly.

My husband is a lot more social than me and there are fairly regular gatherings of men in my house to play board games or whatever and they're perfectly friendly and will do a bit of silly banter or whatever with me but I don't feel any connection. It is specifically the company of women I need!

I have been contemplating going to church - I was raised Anglican and do feel a lot of peace in church still, even if I'm not really a believer anymore. I miss the structure and the regularity and feel like it might be a place to start. I have done evening courses in the past but ended up having to extricate myself from a potential friendship with an overly intense bloke who was even lonelier than I am. I might try a language next and brush up on my German? I've tried running club, yoga, pilates, outdoor swimming, triathlon, and not particularly gotten anywhere yet, but at least I'm quite fit now lol. I do think there's merit in finding women only clubs and groups. I'm also arranging some volunteering in our local community centre as if I'm trying new things I might as well be doing something useful. Basically it's throwing stuff against the wall until something sticks.

Basically, you're not alone, and keep trying, I'm doing the same!

Please don't keep thinking you're pathetic. As people have moved more for work, as social media has advanced, as people are becoming more picky about their partners, this is massively common. There are absolutely loads of women in the same boat (men too, but they can sort themselves out). I moved to a new area, started a business with exH, got divorced, had a new relationship, split up....it's really tough. No kids, and it feels like the whole world is doing family stuff

Do you like the outdoors? I have found several groups on FB, like Love Her Wild, full of women who want to make friends in their area. I have been to a couple of things and everyone is very friendly and no one will think you're weird if you exchange numbers and pursue a friendship.

I also joined a choir which I don't go to any more, but have two really good friends who remain.

Rather than the gym, I'd recommend an actual sports club where you do stuff with other people. I've made a couple of really good friends at mine. Apparently paddleball is always really friendly.

Honestly don't feel pathetic. I see young women in these groups of FB saying they've just moved to a new area, and does anyone want to meet up. I admire them

You're mid thirties, in the prime of your life
Treat the breakup of the relationship as a grieving process
You have yo force yourself to do something different to get out and meet people
Are there any evening classes, local community centre activities, hobby groups near you?
Do you drive? You could contact your local CARE agency and volunteer to drive elderly and sick people to and from hospital appointments - that's a way to meet new nice people

No offence but I have never found the advice "why don't you volunteer" from well meaning people remotely helpful, especially when all I want to do is sit around gossiping with girlfriends.

I understand how you feel.

Throughout my 30’s I felt lonely. I thought I would find happiness in having a partner and I wanted a family.

I had a career, I had a housemate I was very close with and could share about our day but I felt something was missing.

I now have a partner and a child and my partner does not give two sh*ts about my day. I feel more lonely than I did when I was single.

A lot of your friends in relationships likely feel the same way. I find it bizarre when women post here about having a husband they “still fancy”. Those women are in their minority.

Statistics show women who never marry live longer and are healthier. Being in a marriage/relationship is draining for women. I’m not talking about every marriage/long term relationship- I’m talking about the majority. As women we are conditioned to think that that is what we need to be happy.

I can tell you on the other side of the fence - it isn’t.

Men, however, are happier (statistically) in a marriage and they live longer - which is in direct contrast to women who it seems are trading years of their life to their husbands.

In terms of benefits - it is nice having access to finances I wouldn’t have had if I remained single. It is nice having a child to love. But I know more women who are unhappy in marriage than women who are happy. They are just really good at hiding it.

I look at family members who have married men who are very wealthy (CEO’s & bankers earning millions a year). I can see how they have benefited financially from those relationships. They have money to travel and meet up with their wealthy friends while their husbands work. After their kids have grown up these women are living their lives as if they are single. These women don’t seem as stressed. They have money for regular salon visits, gorgeous wardrobes, time to pursue their hobbies and the financial means to decorate their homes.

But this isn’t typical of most relationships where women not only have to work but do everything around the house.

My observations of friends and family I have seen that have experienced divorce are that these women are happier and look a lot better post divorce/separation. They have the time and energy to devote to themselves, they can decorate their homes as they wish and they spend more time on their own appearance and put their energy into their friendships.

I’ve been following a number of single woman on Facebook who are in their forties (I don’t know them - they are one sided parasocial relationships). I’m jealous of their lives, the time they have to themselves. They don’t have to put up with their husband’s mood swings or their disgusting behaviour. They are just out there living their lives and finding contentment from within.

One of these women is Jade Doutch https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063662375586. She posts home decor but she also talks about a traumatic past relationship and what it’s like being single.

I'm 32 and in north Nottinghamshire. If you want to chat on here via PM feel free x

Join a sports club rather than a gym as clubs are set up to have a strong focus on social nights as well. It will take time - I moved to a new area three years ago, joined a sports club 18 months ago and now feel like I am moving into genuine friendship.

Don't give up hope but choose your social events carefully - theatre group, sports club and oddly I have found a storytelling group are all good shouts.

Woah - hold the front page! You mean your closest friends, from school, all got tickets together as four couples and left you out!? If so, that's awful behaviour!
Your loneliness is compounded by their actions and thoughtlessness!
I'm not surprised you've felt so down. Who wouldn't, in that situation? I'm sorry that you have such shitty friends, tbh. You are worth so much more. Keep telling yourself that. You are worthy of decent friends even if it takes a while to find them.x

Thank you ♥️ I tried telling myself it was an overreaction to be so hurt. A few people I asked would they be hurt said it was shit, but then you tell yourself well they will just be agreeing with you. But I couldn’t shake that that was the cherry on the cake of lots of other shit behaviour that I just accepted. I don’t think it was even malicious, it was pure thoughtlessness. The one who told me even sent me screenshots of the “your in” you’ve got tickets on ticketmaster. Clearly in her head she was thrilled for them, zero thought for me. Which again, in turn causes more loneliness as you aren’t even a thought to people you consider close friends. I’ve always been that friend who people call during a break up - I know “wantachange” will drop everything and keep me occupied, they will drive and organise, they’ll pay. I’m seeking friendship where we value each other, think of each other, lift each other up. Maybe that’s unrealistic.

Did you ever raise this with any of them?

Before the oasis gig op, when was the last time you’d seen them?

Are you in good health? If not, might they have thought you weren’t up to it?

Thank you for this 💕

*you are in. Can’t have people thinking my grammar is really poor

I Didn’t raise it with them as I’d be setting myself up for an argument against a group so sure to lose. I’m sure they would have made me feel awkward and say I was being over sensitive so why bother?

I’ve had some health issues like a lot of people but they have never stopped me going out and about. I had spinal surgery that cured me of most of my issues and I did a fifty minute trek as the roads were closed off and the mini bus dropped us off miles away from our entry point on the 11of July at heaton park and it was about 38degrees. Then I stood their all day and walked for miles after the gig so I’d say there’s nothing wrong with my health.