Sad beyond words

[Wantachangefor2024]

Soo this feels pathetic and I can’t confide in the friends i have for fear of guilt tripping them or outing myself out to being so pathetic but i am lonely beyond words. I’m 35 and all of my friends are married, live at the different ends of the country, busy with stuff going on and I broke up with my partner two years ago and been single since and the loneliness I feel. Having no one to discuss the day to day with. All that conversation has ended with him and my friends. They are too bogged down with their own inner circle to have that talk and time for me. And I get it. I’m not jealous or resentful, just gut wrenchingly lonely. How does one make friends at this stage of life really?? So I’m posting here in case anyone else is in a similar boat and from South Yorkshire.

Let's be honest, all of these lovely suggestions will never equal to partner's attention and every day interactions. Seeing people in gyms, volunteering, organising coffees etc is not the same as having someone at home who can be there for you whenever you need them - to have a laugh, a cry or just a banter. And I know as I was widowed last year at the grand age of 34. I'm doing fine, socialising and trying to grow as a person but it's not the same as a presence of someone so close to you that you can be just you.

There are lots of girls groups on Facebook/Instagram that do hiking meet ups around the country. I went to one cmn ground. Once you find one others tend to pop up.
Also join/start a book group. I joined one when a colleague/friend asked me. The girl who started it just posted on Facebook if anyone was interested. It started with 7 of us. It's changed members a few times but as it's casual we move the dates around a bit. Basically every member said they'd moved to the town from somewhere else, sometimes nearby or further out but everyone said the same thing where they didn't know how to go about making friends.
Definitely a hobby group and if one doesn't exist, make it.

I'm in South Yorkshire and I'm the same, except I'm single because my daughter's father has never seen her and left me pregnant, and unless you count a couple of of men who thought a fat plain single mum was going to be easy, nobody has looked at me since!

My friends are married and have nice houses and jobs and I'm in a council flat. My family are hundreds of miles away. I don't even have anyone to babysit so I couldn't go out even if I was asked to.

I had some quite catastrophic things happen a few years ago and it's taken me a long time to get even where I am now but it's bloody lonely. If you're near Sheffield and you want someone to walk the dog with, my dog and I would be delighted!

I'm 37 and exactly the same as you. I'm not one for joining groups or anything like that plus i'm a single parent without reliable childcare. Also in South Yorkshire

Glad you've got good boundaries. What do you do for a living? Different workplaces offer different scope for friendships but I agree with others, hobby groups seems like the obvious way to go.

I was in this situation for a while. It’s so much harder to make new friends as you get older. Things I tried:

Yoga - went to a regular class but the teacher also held events (soundbaths,etc). I made a few friends this way, although it took a long time.
Netball - team sports are brilliant for making friends! When you play together as a team, bonds form really quickly. There is some bitchiness but you can easily keep out of it.
Dog walking - look for groups on Facebook that organise group walks.

Have you thought of joining your local women’s institute? They has meeting every month and various sub groups to join with a vast range of interests.

You need to make a life for yourself as hard as it is. Get out the house. I have a dog good for mindset walking everyday. I have joined the leisure centre for classes. I’m considering woman’s groups and walk and talk next. Have you considered groups like meet up? Maybe you need a change of job/area? Would you consider dating I met my lovely dp online but would only consider it if you aren’t feeling vulnerable as it’s a lot at times.

If you are near Sheffield, there are a lovely lot of people at baby basics. You could volunteer to help them? Or there is a very trendy and young Wi in the city centre which is supposed to be good. Some of the board game cafes run game evening where you can join in with a pre arranged game

I’d also suggest looking for some wild swim groups. I met up with a friend I worked with 30 years ago we hadn’t seen each other at all in the intervening time and weren’t massively close. We now swim at least weekly and went away for a couple of days last month. Cold water is the best for clearing your head and we both use it as a mental dumping session. We’re really close now but heads up breaststroke in cold water is brilliant for bonding.

My town has at least 2 Facebook groups I'm aware of for people to meet up and get to know each other. They often have 20+ people going for a drink or coffee. I'm sure people find others within that group that they build closer friendships with.

If your town doesn't have something like this, why don't you start the group? See what happens?

If you are at all outdoorsy check out your local LoveHerWild group on Facebook. They regularly organise walks etc and it's easy to pop a message up if you fancy doing something and want company.

Paddleboarding is also another great activity for meeting other women and little pockets of mates / WhatsApp groups soon develop and before you know it there's coffee/ wine meet ups when the weather is naff!

I think the key to taking it to the next step is to be brave and invite people you might click with to meet up/ do stuff, otherwise we all lurk at the casual mates stage and wonder why we aren't developing besties.

I’m female, with a dog in South Yorkshire.. I’m a bit older than you (48), but my friends are pretty well dispersed as well so I’d definitely be up for a dog walk if you’re near me 🙂

Start journalling. See if you can get a job where there are a lot of people or different departments. List your favourite hobbies and get out and join clubs. Join a park run, offer to go on a committee for a cause you like. You won't get anywhere unless you get out and about.

I agree.

No where in the OP did it say that she doesn’t want MNers as friends or men as friends.

There was no need to be rude.
A simple - “sorry I’m not looking for friends on here” or “only looking for female friends”

I would look into the golden circle group and any other groups like walking groups, mini courses, painting groups etc.

I’ve found a lot of the groups tend to be older women who have more time on their hands though and you may not have as much in common with.

It is all dependent on the area you are in, as I know lots of cities have regular meet ups just for women/friends but if you’re rural then it gets very difficult.

There’s a Facebook group called Yorkshire Explorers - they do events like hikes and walks (and I think other stuff too). Mainly weekend based, and for walks you could bring your dog ☺️

I’m also in some other FB social groups - these ones are women only - outdoor adventure girls, outdoorsy women, lonely girls club. There’s often something on and if not you can post with your own idea/event.

Lots of other groups available too - good luck OP!

If you’re a single parent, then I would definitely look at single parent groups or take your kids to clubs regularly where you can slowly start talking to the other parents.

I have met three new friends off mumsnet.
We do breakfasts and lunches.
Only one person looked like I thought they would!
Sadly I'm in the south but you've had loads of offers of dog walks. Have a leap of faith. Big smile and give it a try.
I was very lonely after my father died but I got out there. I recommend a shift in your local charity shop once a week. Fancinating re the stock and people. Saturdays and Sundays they're desperate and you only need to do four hours in most.

I was literally just going to suggest Love Her Wild - was looking it up while you posted - and found I already know our local leader! Funny.

OP at that point in my life I was very lonely too. Know that it’s unlikely to be forever though. Things are constantly changing, otherwise they run the risk of stagnating!

Can you afford to work 4 days and use the 5th for something else, to be around a different pool of people to the work people. Say you take Fridays off. Start a new hobby on the Thursday night. Spend Friday getting out and about/doing another job/volunteer/indulge your passion.

EG for me and my interests that could be: Thursday night choir, Friday morning hiking group, Friday afternoon man the local craft shop. Then over time you might make a few pals from those 3 new pools of people, to then go out to the pub with on Friday night or whatever.

Communities that I’ve found to be very social are: local art scene, local music scene, choirs

Communities I’ve found to be good for surface level social interactions, to keep me ticking over for the week without never talking to another adult: library, food bank volunteering, walking around a place where people walk their dogs

You've just got to keep trying things. Through hobbies and clubs I’ve tried I’m also on 2 massive local WhatsApp groups. Sounds (and can be) annoying, but it means you can put a call out - people are always saying ‘I’m walking round the neighbourhood for an hour tonight if anyone wants to join me’, ‘can anyone recommend an X Y Z’ etc and it just opens up your network and makes you feel more part of the community ie less lonely.

Long waffle but just some well-meaning suggestions!

Nothing silly about that.Dogs are a great ice breaker 🥰

Oh my god are you me? I love Sephora, I love all of the real housewives and other bravo shite, I haven't watched peaky blinders but can get on board with cillian murphy. I get the loneliness , I've been on my own for two years after losing my husband and as much as I have lovely friends they are busy with their own lives sometimes you just want someone to shoot the shit with don't you ?
THATS MY OPINION

Hi OP. I am 34, and when i was 31 i broke up with someone who i thought i would have kids with and was devastated. I was so so lonely. Long story short, i found out through fertility testing i had very very low egg reserve and needed ovarian surgery, so was told if i want a baby it could be now or never. I ended up having a baby alone when i was 32.

The year before i had him after my break up i felt horrendously lonely, my mum had died a few years before so i felt exactly like you that there was no one to chit chat with and all my friends who are mid thirties are paired off and even those without kids want to do things as a couple together on the weekend. I am lucky in that i do see friends still and have close friends in work so that helps. I was on maternity leave for 10 months and that was also tough and lonely i must say but now he is 1 and hes so entertaining and i love the little family we have built, going for walks in the park on the weekends and snuggling up together on the sofa.

I wanted the family unit too very much so but for me I could have missed out altogether on having a baby and didn't want to miss out on that. I still hope to meet someone one day. My path is not for everyone and i am not at all bothered by people saying its not for them, but just to say that sometimes our path can look very different than we imagine but we find joy in our own way

I’m sorry OP, I did think have you thought about freezing your eggs? In case you want a baby down the line?

When I was going through similar I tried gym classes and people would say hi at the class and go their separate ways after. Then I joined a netball team, totally different kettle of fish. It was social front the get go. Doesn’t have to be netball any team sport will do, I’m currently in a women’s football team x never played before in my life and absolutely useless but it provides the human connection that we all need.

Hi OP, I get it but I also think you are conflating issues here - there is lonely and there is single, atm you are both but they are not the same thing. I would focus on widening / building friendship group not on finding a partner. I understand working and having a pet but friends won't just come to you so you will have to make time to get out and do things/meet people. Social media has made socialising harder in some ways but easier in others, as there are FB groups, social events advertised widely. I am the same but the difference is I'm a single mum who used that as a reason (excuse). It was a bit of both really, I had to make a conscious decision to develop friendships, by actually speaking to people outside of work, suggesting coffee or meet ups for lunch and getting to know the people I work with, for example joining colleagues for lunch. It can be daunting but its not impossible.