Sad beyond words

[Wantachangefor2024]

Soo this feels pathetic and I can’t confide in the friends i have for fear of guilt tripping them or outing myself out to being so pathetic but i am lonely beyond words. I’m 35 and all of my friends are married, live at the different ends of the country, busy with stuff going on and I broke up with my partner two years ago and been single since and the loneliness I feel. Having no one to discuss the day to day with. All that conversation has ended with him and my friends. They are too bogged down with their own inner circle to have that talk and time for me. And I get it. I’m not jealous or resentful, just gut wrenchingly lonely. How does one make friends at this stage of life really?? So I’m posting here in case anyone else is in a similar boat and from South Yorkshire.

Like others I was going to suggest joining local walking/hiking groups on Facebook - they meet regularly and are all ages.

Outdoor swimming has a good community if you like that kind of thing! Look for a Bluetits group near you.

With your existing friends is it possible to get a couple of dates a year where you meet up either at their house for an activity (walk/shop/theatre) and a meal or meet halfway at a hotel/cottage. That might also bring you closer again together. I do the same with old friends who live a distance away. We find it hard to meet more than twice a year, but with texting in between we stay connected. It’s not the same as daily or weekly chats and meet ups but along with other things you do it might help. I really value their friendship but it’s different to the friends who are closer.

It sounds like you’re pretty busy but is there a short course you could study one evening at a local college.

Not sure what dog you’ve got but some breeds do monthly meet ups. You could find on face book?

As others say be brave and try & join different things, say yes to invites and also ask others for coffee or dog walks or the cinema. Start casual and see who you connect with - you only need 1-2 good buddies but feeling part of different communities (book club, paddleboarding, walking, swimming, art) might also help fill you feel part of a community and a connection with others.

OP, I sympathise, because I feel like I’m in the same boat. I have one friend I can really chat with, and she’s just told me she’s moving away (I posted a thread about it last night because I’m devastated).

I’m married but still wish I had really good female friends - conversation with DH is mainly around work, the kids, and how tired we are. He just doesn’t really “do” the kind of conversation that I need to be able to have once in a while. I guess having kids complicates it in some ways because I can’t just join a class or go out places in the evenings; it all has to be coordinated with DH and the kids’ activities etc.

I really don’t know how to meet like-minded people at this stage of life. I feel that as a society we don’t value friendships enough - “family” seems to be the over-arching thing, but for me, much as I love my family, it doesn’t provide everything I need.

Thanks to this thread I've just joined my local Loveherwild Facebook group and a dog walking group in my town.Some good suggestions here.

I’m a Christian, and honestly we’d happily accept you in our church. I’m not sure that everyone in church has to believe in God. Sometimes it’s just about having a place to belong, and sit, and just “be”; I believe that if God then wants to do His thing, he can. As long as you’re not pretending to have faith when you don’t, it’s fine to say that you’re not sure why you’re there but you just want someone to get alongside you and be your friend.

Having said that, our church is mainly older people; we’re not particularly “cool”. Of course there would maybe be a few people who’d think it was odd to go to church when you’re not a Christian, but then in any group of people there’ll be a few who don’t get you, so why worry?

Don't feel pathetic. You are not alone. It's actually quite common to struggle to make friends after 30, and loneliness has been flagged as a modern health problem recently. Society has changed and we just don't have same community connections or time that our parents have.

A book club is a good way to meet friends as conversations move beyond the superficial. And it gives you a task to do as well in reading the book.

The key is getting out and joining things where you meet new people.
Evening classes
Sporting activity
Walking Group whatever

Seeing the same people week in week out and actively making conversation with those that you think may be a possible friend. You have to take the initiative as well and suggest a coffee/drink etc afterwards or outside of the group activity.

It's hard but only with exposure to other people will you find a potential new friend or friends.

Even with your current gym are there any like minded people there that you could suggest a coffee, catch up in the cafe etc after your workout? You need to try and turn some of those nodding acquaintances into friends.

This sounds like such a good idea. Really is something worth while.

How do you know what’s good for me? 😂😂

Im reading through all the suggestions and shall reply, thank you ladies 🥰

I would recommend joining a local running club if you have one. Ours meets twice a week plus often go for a drink togerher and go to races together and its been a great way to make friends. You don't need to be a good runner, most club accept complete beginners 😊. Ive found this much better than gym classes which as you say result in usual chit chat but no actual friends. Also look for other hobby groups- book club, sewing club, dog walking meet up groups etc or whatever youre interested in. Hope this helps, dont despair, things can get much better!

No good suggestions, but I've been there. I moved to a small town with work, everybody at work was friendly, I joined groups I thought I'd enjoy, such as ladies night at the swimming pool, and everyone was friendly, tried to join a wine-tasting class but it was fully booked, so joined the beginners knitting instead, everyone was friendly, went to church, everyone was friendly.

After a few months I realised that although I was on first-names-and-discussing- the-weather terms with literally dozens of friendly people, I hadn't made a single friend. I tried being pro-active, asking if anyone wanted to join me to go to the cinema etc, but everyone seemed to already have people they socialised with. I had one trip to the supermarket at which five different people said "Hello, Violet, lovely day" as they walked past, but no-one stopped for an actual chat. I went home and cried with loneliness.

I then had another work move, to a city where I had existing friends, and it got better.

I do think now that, having been there myself, I'm good at spotting and speaking to people who are new and a bit lost, and I've added some great women to my friendship circle that way.

So sorry you are feeling so lonely, lots of good advice here...I have met many lovely new friends by joining a rowing club (I didn't join for that reason but OMG it's amazing!) plus you do it early in the morning/weekends so doesn't interfere with work. They all run learn to row courses which are great fun and you really bond with people and everyone stays afterwards for coffee etc. We go away on trips too. I have made friends who I would consider lifelong friends through this.

Not sure exactly where you are but there is this one. Don't feel like you have to be super fit to join (but you soon will be!)

Doncaster Rowing Club

Also links to others here

Yorkshire Rowing - Clubs

You don’t need to tell them!

Just go along - they will assume you’re a believer. I doubt much of the chat will be about religion.

Lovely helpful post 😊

I do make the effort. But I can’t impose myself on their lives every weekend. Plus, I do need more local friends, after work I don’t want to be going up and down the country every weekend. I would like both, to visit them but have friends locally.

So in my local Facebook group a woman did a post saying she is new in to the area and would any women of similar age like to meet up. She got some replies from other women saying they were also keen to expand their social network and suggesting going walking or coffee / drinks together etc. As I understand it, a small friendship group has now formed and they meet in pairs or small groups for evenings out or to do things together.
I know this approach takes a bit of initial nerve but it might be worth considering doing a shout out in your local area, you'd have nothing to lose.
Good luck with it anyway

I go to a knitting and crochet group once a week and I find people open up more if they have something to knit rather than just sitting with a drink. I wouldn’t say that I have met any true friends there but it makes me feel better to have a chat with the same people every week.

Hiya OP, I found you a couple of social female groups in Yorkshire which may be of use to you. It won't let me post them in here but check your DMs as it's not all creepy males in there!

This is the most realistically written post. There's a difference between friendliness and friendships. A lot of people in social interactions will be friendly, but not many are actually looking for new friends. In their 30s+, they have spouses, kids, aging parents and friends they've known since school. So if your life doesn't fit into this mold, you feel like you're struggling, lacking meaningful connections.

Actually one of them was called the lonely girls club. They have events around the UK. Thought I'd share that here in case anyone reading might benefit from it.

I get it - my OH died - being a lone person in a coupled world is full of daily cuts ........

Bloody hell I bet that attracts the attention of some pretty sinister men to hang around outside of

What is your health like op?

your job…. You enjoy? What industry?

Have you thought of learning a language? I've had some good experiences (not all good, but usually interesting) with online conversation exchanges. There's a website ( just look up conversation exchange). You arrange to have a conversation once a week (or whatever you agree on), half in English and half in their language. If you click with the person (and it's in both people's interests to make the conversation work) it's a good way to combat loneliness. You learn a lot about their culture, too, and obviously improve your language skills. In your profile you say what language you're learning, and what your level is. You could speak beginner level French, and then advanced level English, for example, if they're ok with that.

I think this age group is difficult .My own DD is a similar age . She Had many BF in the past but none worked out for her .I took her out for drives in the country for lunch etc. I sometimes think we are sold a lie when we see EE(everyone else)! enjoying themselves on SM .I dont go on FB and tell DD not to as it seems like they are all "having fun".As my SIL points out its just a snapshot really.If you have a dog, maybe try and go to the park at the same time ? you can meet the same people each day.I used to drive to the park a couple of miles away as it was like a coffee morning with dogs ! Made a couple of great friends there .Also some were older but thats fine if on the same wavelength as you xx