...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

[Sheiloblige]

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

I left my H after 26 years. He moved out last month when divorce finalised. When i tell people ive just got divorced, they are all like sad face oh sorry to hear that- and im like, no dont be sorry im over the moon! Its a great feeling being independent! Just me and kids. 💪

You tried to live with the knowledge for 5 years and you couldn't. He broke your trust and your relationship and it's to the point of no return. For you, that break was irrevocable.

That you're feeling liberated and happy probably means you were completely done with that relationship.

Check with a lawyer if you paid much of the mortgage.

I would tell your kids where you are and why you've split. If they're adults or near adults, they can deal with knowing their dad let you down and you can't get over it.

You are U for not telling your children where you are. Why wouldn’t you?

Why haven't you told your adult children where you are living?!

Really? After being lied to all those years, I'd be fucking livid. OP has had five years to work through that. Having your whole relationship based on a lie, it's not the OP that's the cold hearted one, it's her ex. I hope she never looks back, he deserves everything coming his way.

Not unreasonable at all. Finding out that he’s been lying to you for all those years is horrific. Do tell your kids why. They’re old enough to know the truth. You sound pretty level headed, but if he’s in a mess and desperate to get you back he might tell them a less than truthful version of the split. You already know he’s capable of lying.

well done for moving on but ffs dont just walk away from the house- if its yours and his - you need to get him to sell and get half

it might not matter now, but it will years down the road!!

You sound really healthy. Congratulations!

But do think very carefully before giving up your house- you deserve to keep your share in order to house yourself when you retire, surely?

Is it really just the two ons that happened over 20 years ago and he told you about 5 years thats made you want to leave? From what I’ve understand you had a happy marriage for the rest of that time? Surely there’s more to it than that?

I’ve been vilified before on MN for revealing I was unfaithful to my ex OH nearly two decades before he decided to leave me because of it. Not quite in the sudden fashion that you’ve left your DH. We did discuss it over years, and went to counselling and when I thought things were looking better it did come as a bit of a bombshell when he asked for a trial separation, we’re still separated and haven’t talked about anything formal but I guess after more than 2 years apart I have to accept it’s permanent. I did think at first it was about him punishing me, but as time has passed it’s clear he preferred to be alone than live with me being around him as a constant reminder.

While the manner in what you’ve done will be a shock to him and maybe to your grown up kids, I think it’s a bit like ripping off a band aid.

With the benefit of my own hindsight, I also think separating is the kinder thing for you both, be free and live at peace. I can see my ex OH is definitely more at peace with himself since we separated. I am very lucky to still have him as my closest friend and co-parent to our kids. At some point I’d say you’re going to need to make time to explain what, if any role you want him to play in your life.

Yanbu in the least!

She's said that since his confession, she can't get the thought of his betrayal out of her mind:

'For two, I’m not enjoying being with him. For the past 5 years the images of them together are really vivid, clear and traumatic. If I mention it it’s like nothing to him and he tries awkwardly to avoid it (which makes me think there is more to tell). It’s ruined any enjoyment from sex or intimacy for me and I’m not getting any younger (mid fifties).'

His affair and then telling her so many years later has killed her love for him. He didn't have to be unfaithful and now that he has told her, she can't help the way she feels about it.

There's nothing wrong with being glad to be out of a relationship you don't want anymore. The way you did it was insensitive, but since he cheated, he can hardly expect you to break it to him gently to spare his feelings.

No I suppose not. I must be a bit different to most because if we’d been through lots together ( all long marriages do) had brought up our kids harmoniously together and I could count on him and was happy all that time I don’t think I would feel like this. Id be mad, incredulous ,probably in a knark for a good while but Id balance it out with the rest of the 28 year old marriage. Each to their own of course andgood luck to OP and her exdh

I think you'll change your mind about the finances pretty quickly. Why does he get to keep the house? I assume your children still live at home - is your plan to let him stay there until they leave? Honestly, it seems as though you're rewarding him. Why didn't you get him to leave?

Biggest load of bullshit I've read this week. Psychopathic? Why, because she's not sorry for dumping a cheater? Go on with you.
How has she completely upset the course of her children's lives? They'll just be visiting her and their father separately, that's all. So? They might be upset about the breakup, but how would talking things out with the cheater have changed that? She was going to leave whether she talked to him about it first or not.

But that's you. Lots of people consider infidelity at any point a dealbreaker and the fact that it was so long ago actually makes it worse. It means he has deceived her for decades, which is unconscionable.

Yes. Until 5 years ago I was blissfully unaware of what he’d done and what he was really like. I was convinced we were in love, despite there being many signs, I thought we were so in love that we were 100% honest with each other. But what transpired threw 23 years into doubt. For the 5 years since his confession I spent every hour of every day thinking of all sorts of events and occasions that were special were no longer special. Basically the relationship has been a complete farce, a total lie and fallacy. When people say they’ve been cheated, I get it now. It’s not just the infidelity, it’s also that I’ve lived 28 years believing our relationship was one thing, when it was really another. Believing he was a certain type of person with certain characteristics, when really he was another. Believing I was the only one he desired, when really he desired something and someone very different from me.

And I would add, 5 years of thinking about it and I am convinced there are others I’ll never be told about and I'm not prepared to put up with that.

Why should she? She has had five years to process his betrayal and have all the feelings associated with that. Now she's recovered.

Well if there were other signs and you think there were other affairs fair enough though I’d be surprised that a serial cheater would actually confess to one unless they were were found out ( but what do I know) I think the bit about desire is a bit daft, most people can desire two people at the same time don’t you think? I must be a bit strange but I think there’s so many things that are worse than a fling but that’s just me. Anyway each to their own the main thing is that you both find happiness.

She’s renting. She’s paid deposit and rent up front. Not something he can claim

its been 22 years. If nothing in that time was wrong then I would look at it like a person who drunk drove it took drugs twice 22 years ago and cleaned themselves up and never did it again.

I get this, OP. I was so happy to leave my abusive marriage after 20 years. I had been in mourning for the relationship for a few years before I actually left - mourning the relationship I thought I had vs. what I actually had. Ready to finally be free.

I admire your resolve, OP. Best of luck to you for the future. You have many years to share with those you love and trust.

It's really, really, not the same. No wonder so many marriages and relationships fail, with attitudes like that. 🙄