...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

[Sheiloblige]

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

I was going to say something similar.
I mean, I understand that you just want out but you are walking away from a joint asset which it sounds like you have paid for most of. That is not fair on you. You need security as well and a rental is not secure. If your name is on the deeds of the house and it was on the mortgage, then you should take legal advice on how to split the equity so that you both can be housed.

Good for you OP. He is the one who cheated and lied. You did nothing wrong and have the right to leave whenever you want. I would tell your DC the reason though. Don't let him cloud the narrative for you. Just be honest like you have been here.

I wish you well. I admire your resolve and strength. You deserve a life of honesty and love.

You should definitely tell your kids where you are, why you left and also that you don’t want their Dad to know your address.

You should also make sure you get half of the house , whether he buys you out or it has to be sold. You might think you don’t want it now but the money will help you buy something in the future.

I’m a bit confused by your update OP - are you saying that when he confessed it wasn’t out of a moral obligation, but because the wine and relaxed late night atmosphere made you both start discussing that time in your lives, and he started unwittingly revealing things that then backed him into a corner and he had to admit it?

If that’s the case then that is very different from a ‘need’ to confess, and I can sort of see your conundrum a bit better now.

Good Luck op, I’d tell your kids the truth. That you tried for 5 years but ultimately it’s not the same.

I think there needs to be education on the impact of cheating. It breaks up families, affects mental and physical health, it’s abusive. On a selfish economic level it leads to lost days at work and mistake due to pisd a form of ptsd. It’s avoidable abuse. And most cheats struggle to see themselves as an abuser.

Gaslighting, risk of std, risk of pisd, lying, lying by omission, money spent away from the family, taking away your spouses agency etc is abuse.

There are a fair few well written books and articles on how cheating affects the betrayed partner and what impact it has on the relationship with the partner (and other relationships).

Anyone is capable of cheating, it’s easy, the internet has made it easy. But some choose not to. I think there’s misunderstanding that ‘the marriage must have been bad anyway’. If you read Minwallas ‘the secret sexual basement’ it’s very clear underground sexual behaviour has nothing to do with the spouse. There are exit affairs but so many times we hear the cheat has begged to stay, like your husband is now.

I also think no one is powerful enough to make their spouse cheat. I am faithful for me. My words matter to me. I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. We all have flaws but I want to keep my word. I made vows and I chose to keep them. My spouse is annoying at times, but his behaviour doesn’t and can’t make me cheat. He isn’t that powerful. I’m faithful for me. He’s my collateral damage.

Op your husband had a but in his fidelity. I’m faithful but not if she won’t find out. I’m faithful but a few ones offs with a lady from work don’t matter. I’m faithful but ….

His inability to discuss and be straight with you - they are character flaws. As is his constant texting. You may have seen many character flaws in the last 5 years, maybe ones you previously were happy to accept. Lack of accountability, avoids confrontation, selfish, liar (about little things maybe), people pleaser, needs smoke up his backside to feel validated, inability to self soothe etc etc.

I mentioned a few books up thread op, they are worth reading. Your priority is you own sense of peace, you gave it five years that’s often the time the betrayed leaves (3-5 years, when the ground is a bit more solid).

I felt exactly the same as you when I found out about my ex’s affairs years later. I felt like my marriage since the cheating was a farce. The betrayal was the act and also the lying. I questioned every single memory for two years and then left. No emotions. I did develop anxiety in the early days.

OP I’ve read your post over and over again and not only have you done the right thing, but I think posting it is brave and inspirational.

I’m in a similar boat but not quite where you are. Discovered/OH confessed earlier this year to multiple ONS’s over a 5 year period. All still very raw for me. I get why you would take 5 years to leave and how painful those 5 years must have been. I’m sitting here thinking when (not if), will I be in the best position to leave. Two kids still in FT education, still got a few years left on the mortgage and no spare cash. Like you, everything I felt and believed about our relationship wasn’t real. Can’t bear to look at pictures of past holidays, family events etc, just reminders of what she was really up to and/or thinking.

In the months since it all came out I started off a complete wreck, couldn’t function, lost weight, couldn’t speak about it to anyone other than posting anonymously on MN (still haven’t told anyone). Gradually my resolve is hardening but I’m still a good 4-7 years off my kids finishing education (depending on how far they go), and paying off the mortgage.Any tips on how to keep my sh*t together for that long, as you did for 5 years, would be much appreciated.

Good luck and thank you!

And as a ps, anyone that’s saying anything other than you’ve done the right thing are either cheats, never been cheated on or probably men!

Absolutely correct. His character is soiled and it ruins every single memory and casts into doubt every moment you were together. And he doesn't actually love you because if he did he wouldn't have chosen to put his penis in another woman.

And of course it was not the only time, lying cheats never just lie and cheat once.

Yeah, cheats always try to minimise cheating. But you can't. It's one of the worst forms of abuse.

In fact, the majority of people do not cheat. More men cheat than women, but most people do not cheat. That's something cheaters hate to hear, they always want to drag everyone else into the gutter with them.

https : // ifstudies dot org/ blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america

And cheaters almost always cheat again.

Cheating is indeed one of the worst forms of abuse and is not normal, not in any way. Chump Lady has some great articles on how abusive cheating is.

No inheritance does have to be shared. A person can choose to share it, that has to be their choice though. I believe once it's been put in a joint account it counts as choosing to share.

I'd invite your kids to lunch and explain to them your ex cheated on you and admitted it and you tried for 5 years but it was destroying you knowing most of your marriage was a lie. Also give your kids your address and tell them not to share it with others.

@FairyMaclary I couldn't agree more. What's more, if you take the stance, as I do, that I wouldn't let a man near me if I knew he had been sleeping with another woman behind my back, then that deception would mean that my "consent" would have been given under false pretences. I honestly think it's virtually akin to rape, such a betrayal it is - and when it carries on for years, well, words fail me.

It's really, really not difficult not to fuck a person who isn't your spouse or partner. It really isn't. People who cheat do so because they choose to cheat, disregarding their OH's feelings and welfare. It's the ultimate in selfishness.

I wish you well, OP, and admire you for holding onto your integrity. I hope the rest of your life is happy, peaceful and fulfilling.

Yes, the OP would not have stayed with him if he had not deliberately deceived her for many years. He stole her right to make her own choice and almost cerrtainly threatened her sexual health, as do all cheaters.

Oh gosh @MelBrookesMyHero and others on here that have been through it, thanks for your messages and support. What tips can I give you to keep your shit together? I really don’t know TBH. I’ll try and say a few things I’ve learned, in no particular order:

• Know that it’s okay to leave when you are ready. Whether that’s tomorrow or in 5 years it’s fine.

• In the meantime become much more selfish. My aunt once caught her DH out. She told me that from that day on she ‘played the fiddle and he did the dancing’ and he spent the rest of his days running around after her. She spent like a millionaire and got everything she demanded.

• When you become more selfish and demanding you might not see your DH’s ‘true self’, but you’ll see the clues as to what they’re really like. E.g. I turned off the sex tap and I got to decide when we were having sex, not him. But it took me about 3 years to get there. He’d go into a sulk and play the victim. When you realise they’re not what you thought they were, then it becomes much easier to separate the practical from the emotional.

• It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re not over it, and maybe will never get over it.I wrestled with this for years, believing there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t just put it behind us and forgive and forget. Recently I started to realise I was never going to forget it, and for as long as he was in the same house as me I’d have a daily reminder, almost like opening your work calendar every day and seeing it there – “Monday – reminder – DH was fking around on you”. “Tuesday - reminder – DH was fking around on you etc”.

• Know that if your OH avoids talking about it when you want to, or won’t share the details, or have remarkable memory loss, then they’re highly likely to be concealing something more. I can’t prove there were others, but the BS he gave me around the ONS’s that he had to confess to is so unbelievable that the credibility of accounts of other occasions I suspect he was unfaithful is seriously doubtful.

• Unlike others are saying on here, I think telling the kids the detail is a no no for me.My DH was unfaithful on me and for that he’s an arsehole. But he’s not a bad Dad, in fact he’s a very good one.Ruining their relationship with him is not a punishment commensurate with his wrongdoing. Neither do I want the kids, me, nor him to be the subject of gossip. It has been difficult not telling anyone. MN has been a great release, and I do intend to find some sort of self-help group to be able to talk about it in person. If he wants to tell the kids that’s up to him.

• When you’re in a position to go, just go. A bit like a parachute jump (if ever you’ve done one), just leap. Don’t ask for a conversation or discussion, that will just be emotional and distressing. As much as people think I was cold in doing what I did, it had to be that way or I would have changed my mind.

I’ve been 7 nights away now and I have slept well. I’m having fish and chips for my tea tonight, out of the paper, with a brew. I might not wash my cup til tomorrow. I’ll watch what I want, may take a sh*t with the bathroom door open. Tomorrow I’ll go shopping for soft furnishings and will throw myself into my new project. As for DH, I know he’ll be alright, perhaps now he might dwell on it, but I guarantee it won’t take him 5 years to get over it like it has me!

I hope that helps.

Same

I would seriously reconsider letting him have the house unless you’re immensely wealthy (which seems unlikely if you needed a windfall to give you the resources to leave like this).

At the moment you are relieved to be away and relishing the freedom. But if in 20 years time you’re struggling - maybe rents are sky high and your pension has kept pace, maybe you have to pay out for something big, or you’re made redundant in your late 50s and age discrimination means a similar job is elusive, could be all sorts of things. But you end up struggling and he’s sitting in a big house, maybe rents some rooms out for extra income, maybe downsizes and uses some of it for a round the world cruise. Whatever. If you end up struggling that could become a reminder of what he did to you too. The house may seem like small potatoes compared to the 28 years he stole. But it’s small potatoes you can have back.

Assuming your name is on the deeds, you don’t have to act on it now. You can let it sit until you’re ready. Just try not to say anything that he could later use to convince a court you gave up your interest in it.

You have had 5 years of emotions. You have worked through them and decided what you need to do for yourself.

Sounds like there is more in this, maybe some form of disconnect that has been building for a long time. I wish you well and part of me thinks that this is a second chance for you to find yourself

Yabu not for leaving DH (i think fair play, he did what he did and actions have consequences) but for walking out on your children and not telling them where you are.

They may be older but that doesnt mean this won't shock and confuse them. You have a responsibility to their emotional wellbeing.

I wouldnt tell them details, just that its over but you still love them and this is where you are

i think we all compromise when we are parents bringing up children and our focus is often elsewhere but with your kids growing up brings clarity and a time to draw breath and look at our lives in a different way. What your husband did has shaped your marriage and maybe has eaten away at the love you shared.

I hope you find peace in your life and everyone deserves to be happy and I suspect your husbands affair was a symptom not a cause but this is just my view !

There’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship. But the way you have done it is really shitty for both your husband and your children.

Try and put yourself in their shoes and think how they feel.

I think that maybe subconsciously you were wanting more from this relationship, maybe? And the confession pushed you out of tolerating it because it was a familiar place. Maybe not. But even so, you feel the way you feel, and life is so very short. I left my husband after 28 years also. No infidelity (that I know of) but it was such an empty relationship. I felt like I was a household appliance and nothing much more. Four kids, none of them very happy about it, but esp the youngest ones (age 13 at the time—part of the reason I left was bc we had moved and they were so unhappy in our very rural location after almost a decade living in a more urban area) anyway—if doing it over I might wait until
they were 18, but then again, idk. Someone’s always going to be unhappy.

I have never been in the position you describe OP but your courage, resolution and calmness is very inspiring. I wish you the very best in your new life.

Love it!