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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My exes and finances

268 replies

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 21:51

New poster here.
I have 2 DDs aged 15 and 7, they have different dads. My eldest sees her dad every other weekend Saturday and Sunday and he pays me just over £550 a month in maintenance. My other DD sees her dad every Friday after school until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. Until 18 months ago he used to pay me £250 a month as he has 2 children from his new wife at home as well which meant what my daughter gets went down.

His wife has a great job and is the breadwinner in the home. 18 months ago he decided to stop working and instead is staying at home with the kids meaning I was getting nothing. I spoke to his wife about this and she said that they already pay for her gymnastics and art class and thinks that more than covers an acceptable amount. They were already paying these though and I was getting £250 a month on top.

I have just found out that he has won some form of claim against his ex employer and is about to receive £190,000. I messaged him saying some of that money is mine for his daughter and he can’t just ignore her. He has responded saying that the money is not for that and I am not entitled to anything. I told him that I am out £4500 over the last 18 months through no fault of my own and should be entitled to some money. I asked if he is planning on going back to work soon and he said it looks unlikely. I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

AIBU to think that I should be entitled to some of the payout from his ex employer. This is money for lost earnings and I lost earnings whilst he wasn’t working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exandstress · 18/09/2025 12:02

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 18/09/2025 10:53

@Exandstress Does he buy her clothing to wear when she is there? A phone to get in touch with him? Toys and electronics to use when she is there? School uniforms to wear when she is under his care? If not, he should be. If you are sending clothes, toys, electronics with her to his house, then he is taking the piss. If you pay for her to have a phone, and he contacts her on it, or she takes it with her, then he is taking the piss, {Edited to add} though it depends on how much her extra activities are that he does pay for. The money "in a trust" doesn't count, since there is no guarantee it will actually go to her.

He is supposed to pay for one half of her needs. I hope he is doing that.

Edited to add: You can and should be working full-time. Don't you get child-care paid for in the UK? Fifteen hours is nothing. That's like a teen working for pocket money. I agree with the above posters that you seem not very "into supporting yourself".

Edited

He pays for her gymnastics which is £20 a week and art class which is £5 a week.
No uniform costs covered just a coat in winter.
I don’t know what she has at his but he won’t get her a phone as he says she’s too young.

OP posts:
Popstarrrrr · 18/09/2025 12:09

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:33

Why should I miss out on my maintenance because he doesn’t want to work. He has nice holidays every year and lives in a nice house because his new wife works in a good job. Yet we are missing out.

Show quote history

Have you read this back to yourself? Nice holidays and nice house because his new wife works in a good job.

I was a single parent of two. We had nice holidays and an OK house because I worked in a good job. I put earned my exes by some margin because I wanted to have a good life. They were great fathers though so would never have suggested they had less time with their children.

Make your own life great. Don't rely on someone else's money. Maintenance will cease for your eldest soon.

hydriotaphia · 18/09/2025 12:14

I don't get why everyone is so harsh on the OP. If her ex-DH were working then he would be obliged to pay her child maintenance. He cannot work due to disability and has received compensation for his lost wages. Since part of these wages would be paid as maintenance if he were working, why shouldn't part of the compensation be paid as maintenance? I would get legal advice on this OP.

WorstInvite · 18/09/2025 12:14

Assuming this is true, I actually feel a bit sorry for him. Regardless of what he has done financially, losing the use of the right side of your body is terrifying. Presumably that’s his right hand that he uses to write and work with? If this is the case then this is a major life changing event with implications for his mental health and his ability to work and socialise and drive etc.

Don’t let your jealousy for an appropriate compensation payment make you forget what he is actually going through medically and psychologically.

Blushingm · 18/09/2025 12:16

hydriotaphia · 18/09/2025 12:14

I don't get why everyone is so harsh on the OP. If her ex-DH were working then he would be obliged to pay her child maintenance. He cannot work due to disability and has received compensation for his lost wages. Since part of these wages would be paid as maintenance if he were working, why shouldn't part of the compensation be paid as maintenance? I would get legal advice on this OP.

It’s not compensation for lost wages - if it was it would go through hmrc. It’s compensation of a life changing injury. If you think about it it’s possible he will never drive again, even tying laces or ties is going to be near on impossible

everychildmatters · 18/09/2025 12:17

@hydriotaphia Careis virtually 50/50 but surprisingly enough the OP isn't keen on 50/50. Could you think of a good reason why that might be? Clue: 💰

RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 12:18

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:05

I have asked for more hours but where I work it’s either part time or full time and I can’t work the full time hours.

He pays £100 a month into a trust for my daughter but put it in his new wives name after his accident so sure my daughter won’t ever see that money.

I use my weekends to unwind after looking after my daughters all week.

hes doing that so YOU can’t get it. Both him and his wife are protecting your daughter from YOUR greed.

RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 12:18

everychildmatters · 18/09/2025 12:17

@hydriotaphia Careis virtually 50/50 but surprisingly enough the OP isn't keen on 50/50. Could you think of a good reason why that might be? Clue: 💰

And dad has her over the weekend, so OP conveniently gets her whilst she’s at school. It’s much more expensive to have kids at home than it is in school!

CoralOP · 18/09/2025 12:27

Exandstress · 18/09/2025 12:02

He pays for her gymnastics which is £20 a week and art class which is £5 a week.
No uniform costs covered just a coat in winter.
I don’t know what she has at his but he won’t get her a phone as he says she’s too young.

Show quote history

She is too young, she's 7. Love how you reply to the one person who might think you have some slither of decency about you and not the pages and pages of people who think you are horrendous with very good reason to.

RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 12:41

I think £108 pcm plus the expense of entertaining her at weekends is absolutely reasonable for one night short of 50:50.

Popstarrrrr · 18/09/2025 12:56

Namechange822 · 18/09/2025 05:57

I’m amazed by the responses here.

Children aren’t free to house, clothe, feed etc. And maintenance is intended to help balance out the costs of those needs between the two homes.

There are situations where the law doesn’t enforce maintenance payments - where the non resident parent isn’t working is one of them - but that doesn’t stop the child’s costs existing. If a resident parent who had lost their job just stopped paying for their child social services would be called.

If my ex lost his job but still had a good household income, and received a significant payout from his ex employer then I would expect him to continue paying maintenance from a moral, if not a legal, standpoint.

Going forward I don’t think it’s reasonable to insist he works if he is significantly disabled, but I am surprised that they aren’t paying some sort of maintenance as a couple even if the law doesn’t oblige them to.

I do agree with pp that it is probably time to look for a better job, so that you are more self sufficient. ….

I absolutely agree with you that children are not free to house and clothe. I also find absent parents who do not pay maintenance abhorrent in most circumstances. However, this situation is different. Dad is not paying due to a life changing injury resulting in disability and inability to work. If the OP was still in a relationship with him their household income would've tanked, children or no children. And, as his current wife is doing, the person who can work picks up the slack.

I don't doubt it's made life harder for the OP but as the other parent to the child, OP has to pick up the slack.

The payout is significant and it sounds like dad is putting some money away for his child's future, but we also know it costs extra to live with disabilities and it sounds like dad's disabilities are significant.

This is a situation where it is shit luck for everyone involved (mostly the person with life changing injuries), but the OP should be grateful she has the ability to work, and work more, despite choosing not to do so.

I hope OP is a troll as this is a frustrating read.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2025 12:59

RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 12:41

I think £108 pcm plus the expense of entertaining her at weekends is absolutely reasonable for one night short of 50:50.

Plus the £100 monthly in to her savings.
So £208 pcm. Plus he’s doing MORE than 50% in terms of living and feeding costs, as the dd is mostly asleep, at school, or doing the activity paid for by her father when the op is ‘looking after’ her.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/09/2025 13:02

hydriotaphia · 18/09/2025 12:14

I don't get why everyone is so harsh on the OP. If her ex-DH were working then he would be obliged to pay her child maintenance. He cannot work due to disability and has received compensation for his lost wages. Since part of these wages would be paid as maintenance if he were working, why shouldn't part of the compensation be paid as maintenance? I would get legal advice on this OP.

You said it yourself, compensation, not earnings. Plus he has her almost as much as OP and pays for her activities and savings. OP works 15 hours a week, never cares for her child on weekends, doesn’t want to work only more hours and wants to live off maintenance. She’s greedy and lazy.

myglowupera · 18/09/2025 13:13

I’m really surprised by the responses. I agree with them, but wow this is unusual.

SapphOhNo · 18/09/2025 13:16

Legally? no Morally? maybe. but he has your DC quite frequently. Would he put some of his money in trust for your DC? I suppose that would be his business not yours though.

You sound a bit lazy to be honest OP. You need to work more.

Original poster
Exandstress · 18/09/2025 13:17

I contacted a solicitor this morning who said unfortunately his compensation money cannot be used for maintenance payments. Probably should have done that before asking on here. I do feel that the government needs to do something about maintenance and the fact his wives money cannot be taken into consideration but that’s just my opinion.

Thanks for those who supported me.

OP posts:
RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 13:20

Why should his wives income support you?
Who do you think is paying for her activities if he’s not worming and his wife is?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/09/2025 13:21

Exandstress · 18/09/2025 13:17

I contacted a solicitor this morning who said unfortunately his compensation money cannot be used for maintenance payments. Probably should have done that before asking on here. I do feel that the government needs to do something about maintenance and the fact his wives money cannot be taken into consideration but that’s just my opinion.

Thanks for those who supported me.

It’s 100% correct that his wife shouldn’t have to support you financially, she’s already helping care for your child every weekend. Earn your own money and stop trying to rely on men (and women) for help, you will feel a lot better for it.

myglowupera · 18/09/2025 13:21

Exandstress · 18/09/2025 13:17

I contacted a solicitor this morning who said unfortunately his compensation money cannot be used for maintenance payments. Probably should have done that before asking on here. I do feel that the government needs to do something about maintenance and the fact his wives money cannot be taken into consideration but that’s just my opinion.

Thanks for those who supported me.

His wife isn’t their parent so she can’t be expected to pay maintenance for them, legally and morally. How much are you expecting from her?

RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 13:21

SapphOhNo · 18/09/2025 13:16

Legally? no Morally? maybe. but he has your DC quite frequently. Would he put some of his money in trust for your DC? I suppose that would be his business not yours though.

You sound a bit lazy to be honest OP. You need to work more.

Quite frequently? He has her half of the time!

SapphOhNo · 18/09/2025 13:22

RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 13:21

Quite frequently? He has her half of the time!

Show quote history

Exactly ... I don't know why this deserves the clarification. I agree she shouldn't get his compensation money.

SUPerSaver721 · 18/09/2025 13:22

You could increase your hours and pay for your own children. The dad could look after your shared daughter while your working so your not paying for childcare.

Ally886 · 18/09/2025 13:22

hydriotaphia · 18/09/2025 12:14

I don't get why everyone is so harsh on the OP. If her ex-DH were working then he would be obliged to pay her child maintenance. He cannot work due to disability and has received compensation for his lost wages. Since part of these wages would be paid as maintenance if he were working, why shouldn't part of the compensation be paid as maintenance? I would get legal advice on this OP.

He would have paid car insurance too but if he has no use of half his body I assume he is unable to drive.

Should his insurer get some money? What about the local mechanic?

The money is to compensate for lack of future earnings that in a couple of years would not have gone to the OP. What's to say he's not putting money aside for his child but keeping that from the OP because he knows what she's like? I know someone that does this and for the right reasons, keeps it from his ex partner.

OP on the other hand has the ability to earn lots of money once the children move away over the next few years. Something tells me she won't though

RedSkyatNight25 · 18/09/2025 13:25

SUPerSaver721 · 18/09/2025 13:22

You could increase your hours and pay for your own children. The dad could look after your shared daughter while your working so your not paying for childcare.

She doesn’t want the money for the kids she wants it for herself.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 18/09/2025 13:25

Exandstress · 18/09/2025 13:17

I contacted a solicitor this morning who said unfortunately his compensation money cannot be used for maintenance payments. Probably should have done that before asking on here. I do feel that the government needs to do something about maintenance and the fact his wives money cannot be taken into consideration but that’s just my opinion.

Thanks for those who supported me.

Haha yeah good one.

How about you work and fund your own children before expecting her step mum to do it.