My exes and finances

[Exandstress]

New poster here.
I have 2 DDs aged 15 and 7, they have different dads. My eldest sees her dad every other weekend Saturday and Sunday and he pays me just over £550 a month in maintenance. My other DD sees her dad every Friday after school until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. Until 18 months ago he used to pay me £250 a month as he has 2 children from his new wife at home as well which meant what my daughter gets went down.

His wife has a great job and is the breadwinner in the home. 18 months ago he decided to stop working and instead is staying at home with the kids meaning I was getting nothing. I spoke to his wife about this and she said that they already pay for her gymnastics and art class and thinks that more than covers an acceptable amount. They were already paying these though and I was getting £250 a month on top.

I have just found out that he has won some form of claim against his ex employer and is about to receive £190,000. I messaged him saying some of that money is mine for his daughter and he can’t just ignore her. He has responded saying that the money is not for that and I am not entitled to anything. I told him that I am out £4500 over the last 18 months through no fault of my own and should be entitled to some money. I asked if he is planning on going back to work soon and he said it looks unlikely. I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

AIBU to think that I should be entitled to some of the payout from his ex employer. This is money for lost earnings and I lost earnings whilst he wasn’t working.

It would be easy to have a system of self reporting maintenance payments from the UC claimant. This would then recalculate the UC due on a rolling basis. This would rely on benefits claimants being honest. A pipe dream I agree.

Something needs to change. People need to start taking responsibility for financially supporting their children. Both parents. Working 15 hours because they need a rest from parenting a 15 year old and 7 year old is ridiculous and embarrassing.

Wow.

So he is paralysed on one side of his body, clearly a significant accident and you think he is lazy. It sounds like he is lucky to be alive.

He already has you dd for nearly 50% of the week. So indoubt very much whether you are actually oweed anything.

I was a single mum for years. I have always worked full time because funnily enough I have a financial responsibility to provide for my child.

People are not supporting you because you are not coming across well at all. I appreciate that losing that money is difficult. But 15 hours a week working and then claiming you need downtime at a weekend is down right insulting. Your ex is not the lazy one here.

Get a job with more hours, provide for your dd. And gain some humanity and humility. You're not owed an easy life as a sahp.

Of hebhas been awarded that much compensation the it will be deemed that medically he cannot work. That money is to provide for his ongoing medical needs and adaptations he may need to thebhome in order to live. It is not there to supplement your selfish wants.

Jeez the bloke has received compensation for life changing injuries of losing the right side of his body. You are not entitled to that nor his wife’s money

Secondly he is having your daughter just shy of 50:50 by one night. He also has the part where school doesn’t cover chunks of the day. As his not working sounds a fairly permanent arrangement, why don’t you tally actual costs of uniform, clothes, extra curriculars and her other needs then balance up half the cost each on a monthly basis

They didn’t choose for him to be a SAHD. He became severely disabled.

Thankfully the law agrees new partners don’t have to contribute to exes, least of all lazy, 15 hour a week ones.

Heard it all now can't show her the same love because her dad isn't paying. What the actual heck?!

He has her one night a week less than you...

Oh and I tried to let it pass but I just can’t. I think it’s abysmal that you actually believe you are reasonable in saying in your OP that he “has decided not to work” and that you “personally think if he can’t work then he should you looking after my DD”.

Why do you think it’s ok to say that someone who has lost the use of half their body through an accident is choosing not to work and that because they are now disabled they shouldn’t be able to have care of their child.

If you want to understand why people are not being sympathetic to your plight it’s because they have read the things you’ve said and think you are horrible.

He hasn’t got an income. Child maintenance is assessed on income. A settlement of an employment claim is not classed as income by the CMS so if you try to get any of it through that route you will fail. It is open to him to give you some, but he’s not obliged to and it sounds as though he isn’t going to.

His wife’s income is irrelevant because she is not your DD’s parent.

The system may seem designed to accommodate parents who don’t want to support their children, but that is what the system is. Some people’s morals result in them paying more than what they are legally obliged to pay; others don’t share those morals. My older kids’ dad stopped paying maintenance for them when he lost his job when they were 13 and 11 and I never received another penny. He still managed to educate his child from second marriage privately (his second wife did not work and had never had any career to speak of).

I’d reconcile yourself to this and let it go, since arguing with him about it will sour relations and your DDs will be affected by that. He’s still their dad. Don’t discuss money with them.

He didn’t through did he, he had a horrible accident at work and is now paralysed on one side of his body and the payout is pretty minimal for his life long disability, which he will still be coming to terms with considering he hasn’t actually received the payout yet. He also has his child almost as much as the mum does.

You also need to understand that you are not owed any “missed maintenance” for the period in which he hasn’t had a job and hasn’t paid it. His maintenance obligation in that period is nil. There is therefore no “missed maintenance”. Get over it and focus on what you can do something about: your own parenting and your own income.

OP may not have phrased her post particularly well but she does have a point which is that as the parent who the child spends the majority of time with she would have a maintenance entitlement to assist her with her outgoings if the other parent was working. He has Not been working so that payment stopped. He’s now receiving a lump sum. If there are taxable elements of back pay within that lump sum then OP is entitled to a proportion of it in line with CMS assessment rules. Paying for children is expensive, shame on those of you who are so dismissive of her situation. Op the way you will get this looked at is to go to the child maintenance service and ask them to assess the lump sum for taxable elements.

You sound like a truly awful human being.

She co parents but she’s still a single mum. Her relationship status determines that.

You are thinking of lone parent. Op isn’t a lone parent because she co parents and her child’s father is in the picture. She’s not a lone parent but she is a single mum.

They re nearly 50/50 and dad pays for art and dance classes. Surely th5e dance and art classes are worth more than what £7 a week. Remember DD doesn’t like change so if they stop paying for the classes the Op will have to

there is always overtime available at Tesco - op just doesn’t want to work more than 16 hours so she still gets benefits

You could make an application to court for a schedule 1 children’s act. But it needs to be for specific items, ie a new computer or furniture for room etc.

Reported this as not a genuine poster 🤣

You do school runs and work on average 3 hours a day.

Thanks man received money for life changing injuries which means he can't work not because he can't be bothered to work as your u implied. Absolutely atrocious behaviour from you, I hope you're never in his situation.

You're a greedy unsympathetic money grabber. Do you work by the way or are just looking for other people to top up your lifestyle choices?

Get a full time job like everyone else and stop relying on a disabled person to top up your lifestyle choices as a part time employee/ parent.

It always a sad situation when parents use children to score points and hurt one another. You and the girls father are both adults and yet you’re scrapping over her as though she doesn’t matter as much as money does!
OP, if you feel so strongly about this then why have you not seen a solicitor and put matters on a legal footing? Maybe you have already…..you don’t actually say but regardless of this, be the adult, stop using this child for your own gain!

What parenting do you actually do? The kids can sort their own breakfast then its just school drop off. Home from school, shower, dinner and bed. You need to work on your own wage because in a few years your eldest won't be getting cm either. I can imagine the new post when you're outraged that stops too.

That money is compensation - not income?

The lump sum is unlikely to be taxable because of what it is for. And he has her almost as much time as OP does. He doesn’t have the luxury of being able to go and just work more hours, OP does, and so she should.

Your not entitled to any of it, if you want more then get a job!
Finaly, its not your money, its your daughters money. She sounds like a cash cow to you though, grabby "single mother" pfft

Loads of single parents work more than 15 hours per week. Get a full time job.

Men who dodge CMs are twats, but you are also not coming off well here and seem to be singularly lacking in empathy. Your ex had an accident so bad he’s lost the use of one side of his body and got a 6 figure Payout, so he can’t sensibly return to work. That is shit for you, but it isn’t your money- you keep going on about back pay and your needs- this isn’t about you. You are being unreasonable expecting his wife to pay when their family is clearly under a lot of pressure due to his accident and being unable to work again.
The best you can do is get him to do more care so you are 50/50. Whether you pick up more work or protect your weekends and do with less is entirely your choice.