Aunts friendship with young couple

[Georgienne]

Hello all, so my aunt is 70, my father passed away 3 years ago and her husband passed away 2 years ago, she never had any children of her own so my brother and I are her only living family left.
She has lived in the same flat in London for most of her adult life, I highly doubt she will ever leave it, she is still active, goes on cruises, has a handful of local friends though many of her close friends left London when they retired.

I try to visit her about once a month, I don’t live in London myself but she was always an incredible aunt to me and my brother, I also encourage my son who lives in London to go and visit her although he seldom does.

Today I went to see her for the afternoon, and she told me that over the last few months she has developed a friendship with a young couple who live upstairs from her. They are Italian and Swiss, mid 20s. Apparently they have been picking up shopping for her, helping her move furniture and have cooked for her a few times. She seems rather fond of them. She wasn’t feeling very well a few weeks ago and apparently they really rallied round her, cooking, shopping, running errands etc. she didn’t tell me she was ill or I would have gone and looked after her myself.

She is quite the technophobe (I know that many her age are quite proficient with tech but she has rejected it), she has a computer and a landline, and a very simple mobile (not a smart phone). But apparently they have helped her book a trip to save her going into a travel agents etc.

She also doesn’t like going into central London alone now, so was talking about how the young girl had taken her into central London as she needed some new clothes and wanted more variety etc.

I haven’t met them but I’m really unsure what to think of this. I’m really worried that they may be taking advantage or her in some way though she seems totally unconcerned and when we got back to her flat she showed me some pasta they had made her incase she didn’t feel like cooking etc. She told me they have never asked her for money, but sometimes if she was out with friends and stopped into Gail’s or similar she would pick them up a gift card as a thank you.

I don’t know if I’m just very untrusting but I have children in their mid 20s and while I’d like to think they would help if asked I don’t think they would ever even consider going this far for someone they don’t know.

AIBU to be worried?

A £10 gift card for Gail's after giving up 4-5 hours taking her shopping??? Yes 💯they are on the make... 🧐🫤

I really thought this was going down an "isnt this SO nice" route...

Vs the predictable someone is being nice they are after my my aunts money.

The relationship as you describe sounds VERY reciprocal and not at all one way...
They can afford the same block as your aunt so presumably aren't hard up themselves...

If you are concerned about your inheritance which is what you allude to and what you actually bottom line care about...(i personally find this a big stretch and pretty far fetched) maybe you and your DS should show make more effort to call / contact / visit.
🤷🏻‍♀️

I also think you want to normalise your sons lack of care and regard for family by making out its SO strange someone is nice to your aunt and has a geniune interest in her as a person...it's really not that odd or nefarious especially as you describe it.

Another thread riddled with Mumsnet ageism. It’s disgusting.

It’s good that you are aware of it. However 70 isn’t that old generally. I know an Italian man who I would describe as a gentleman and family oriented. It could just be an unconventional friendship.

Don't you know once you hit 70, you lose all your marbles, are instantly poor, unable to walk far, all your intelligence and are just a helpless old dear who is just ripe for being conned out of all your wordly goods.🙄

Hope I've covered all the clichéd older people views. I may have missed some.

my brother and I are her only living family left.
She is quite the technophobe

OK, so 70 is not old. If she follows a steady trajectory, around 80+ is when things might start to get more difficult. So now is the time to have the conversations around care/power of attorney/getting more tech savvy with her. How does she bank, for eg?

This friendship could prompt that conversation: 'What lovely friends. I'm so happy they are there for you. I worry as I'm further away. I'd like to be able to help more if you get ill. What if you had to go into hospital? Do you think at some point we ought to have a more formal plan in place?'

Perhaps have an idea of what you want to happen before you talk to her (would you like to involve a solicitor for eg. Or just google POAs etc to get the ball rolling).

Being a technophobe is not going to help her long-term, and at 70 she is more than capable of learning, so that might be your first thing to tackle. You never know, she might start taking her laptop into Gail's and book her cruise online while she's sipping her chai latte.

Have a conversation with your brother about this and think about to best approach it with her.

Ageism AND xenophobia. Cool.

Not exactly - more like criminal profiling.

Yes, you missed the statistic from Italy: "The age group most affected by scams, again in 2022, was the 65-70 age group (34%) …"

I wonder if you realise how patronising and ageist this sounds?

The aunt being a “technophobe” is the OPs take. The woman has a computer and mobile phone! Not a lot to “tackle” there.

It is normal to be helpful to neighbours when they're struggling.
Aunt sounds perfectly capable of looking after herself.

She doesn't have a smartphone. The OP's words.

She should immediately be put in a care home-she needs to be protected from predatory Italians….

I cannot believe all these horrible responses.
I am with you on this OP. As soon as you mentioned the young people I was on alert.
70 is certainly old enough for faculties to start fraying. I do find it strange that such young people are putting seemingly a lot of their personal time and great effort into helping your aunt when she doesn't seem frail, needy or housebound. It does strike me as odd for 20 something's to be taking time out for someone like this when even grandchildren of this age wouldn't be seen doing this amount of work - unless they had to.
It's odd. I would keep a very close eye on things if you can and definately have a conversation with your aunt about scammers. Ask her to check her bank to see if anything unaccounted for has left it and to keep her financial access strictly to herself. I would also make sure all her valuables such as jewellery are all still there.

You were right to be alerted over this.

But watch out for care home abuse - that’s a thing too. Maybe just don’t be completely trusting of people you haven’t known long and take sensible precautions, that’s all.

My children at the same age might well have made friends with / been kind to a neighbour. Nor do I think this type of relationship would be regarded as in any way unusual in Italy or many other European countries. The British can be odd about neighbours - and inter generational friendships.

Frankly the Swiss have won the lottery of life in terms of education, health and prosperity , so it seems unlikely to me that a Swiss guy abroad would be seeking to exploit a dishonest buck.

Its no bad thing to keep a wary ear out, but it seems more likely than not to be a benign friendship.

I don't have a smartphone. That's because I have chosen not to have a smartphone, not because I'm a technophobe.

"Nearly 80% of people over the age of 55 in Switzerland have faced a fraud attempt, with 20% of Swiss losing about 675 million Swiss francs (approximately $739 million) in the last five years, according to a study released Monday by the organization for the elderly.” (2/10/23)

I mean, I was responding to the OP's take on the technophobe comment. Her example was not having a smartphone. I think it's quite difficult to function in society these days without one (whatever you think of the merits).

This woman is ONLY 70. It would probably be of benefit to her to embrace the phone. Especially in London. It would be easier for her to manage her banking. Order her Oyster card. Attend events.

You likely have a partner, children. These will be your go-tos should something incapacitate you (a sudden stroke/being run over by a bus). You have likely thought about the inevitability and made a will detailing your wishes. An easy conversation to have with a partner. Not so clear-cut if you have no other relatives but a niece and nephew.

A (perfectly reasonable and helpful) outside friendship might be the prompt that's needed for this niece to address the more difficult questions while the aunt is still Perfectly Fine, thank you very much.

I find this quite sad. Unless there's a drip-feed coming about your aunt having learning difficulties or health issues which make her vulnerable then by all means keep a watchful eye but I don't see the issue, particularly knowing Italian cultural attitudes.

In your position I'd be really disappointed in my son.

They are Italian, ok well my family are Italian and at first dh couldn’t get his head around how generous they were to him and others.

He was suspicious of me when we met because I brought him homemade meals and gifts. You don’t go empty handed to see anyone. I had to stop my mother bringing wine and food to the give to her UK GP at every GP appointment.

Meanwhile the family of DH confused me too, they wouldn’t even give you the steam off their piss.

I don’t think it’s patronising at all…I would thank someone if they helped out my relative if I couldn’t be around all the time, simply to let them know that I appreciated their help also.

It doesn’t say they booked anything for her - it says they showed her how to book online.

So adamantly denying the possibility it’s a scam is actually a red flag - engendering this belief is a technique of scammers.

What a depressing way to think.

I think it’s sensible to be on the look out. Definitely ask questions and be aware. It does sound like it’s all just friendly and helpful.

It is sad that we look for the reasons why people are being nice but unfortunately older people are taken advantage of.