Aunts friendship with young couple

[Georgienne]

Hello all, so my aunt is 70, my father passed away 3 years ago and her husband passed away 2 years ago, she never had any children of her own so my brother and I are her only living family left.
She has lived in the same flat in London for most of her adult life, I highly doubt she will ever leave it, she is still active, goes on cruises, has a handful of local friends though many of her close friends left London when they retired.

I try to visit her about once a month, I don’t live in London myself but she was always an incredible aunt to me and my brother, I also encourage my son who lives in London to go and visit her although he seldom does.

Today I went to see her for the afternoon, and she told me that over the last few months she has developed a friendship with a young couple who live upstairs from her. They are Italian and Swiss, mid 20s. Apparently they have been picking up shopping for her, helping her move furniture and have cooked for her a few times. She seems rather fond of them. She wasn’t feeling very well a few weeks ago and apparently they really rallied round her, cooking, shopping, running errands etc. she didn’t tell me she was ill or I would have gone and looked after her myself.

She is quite the technophobe (I know that many her age are quite proficient with tech but she has rejected it), she has a computer and a landline, and a very simple mobile (not a smart phone). But apparently they have helped her book a trip to save her going into a travel agents etc.

She also doesn’t like going into central London alone now, so was talking about how the young girl had taken her into central London as she needed some new clothes and wanted more variety etc.

I haven’t met them but I’m really unsure what to think of this. I’m really worried that they may be taking advantage or her in some way though she seems totally unconcerned and when we got back to her flat she showed me some pasta they had made her incase she didn’t feel like cooking etc. She told me they have never asked her for money, but sometimes if she was out with friends and stopped into Gail’s or similar she would pick them up a gift card as a thank you.

I don’t know if I’m just very untrusting but I have children in their mid 20s and while I’d like to think they would help if asked I don’t think they would ever even consider going this far for someone they don’t know.

AIBU to be worried?

Does say something about the world when we hear about people being kind and it makes us worried.

I would introduce yourself to them in a "thank you for taking care of my Aunt, I've heard such great things aboit you" and you could give them your number incase anything happens.

They probably are just nice people but it doesn't hurt from any perspective to know you're around.

They sound amazing. In this tech world, many older people value help with that in particular.

Don’t worry though OP. They may have one or two kids soon and move out. Leaving your aunt without their meddling help.

I hope your aunt hears about this and tells you to stop being so bloody patronising.

This. There’s every chance they’re just lovely young people carving out their own ‘family’ in the UK.

I'm about the same age as the aunt and I'd be hugely offended - angry even - to have somebody thank my friends or neighbours for taking care of me!

They sound like normal Italians/Swiss Italians, caring for the older generation. It’s a cultural expectation and not weird at all. I would be grateful there’s caring neighbours close by.

It’s not fair to suggest the OP’s son “doesn’t bother” when she’s said nothing of the sort. By definition he isn’t going to see her as regularly as her neighbours do.

I think you’re missing the other poster’s point. OP seems to be meeting these people with suspicion because of their age on the basis that her son, who is the same/similar age, doesn’t prioritise his time to see his aunt often so why would these people.

I haven't read the whole thread but you are right to be concerned.
Financial abuse of older people is rife. I see so much in my work. Low level, getting own shopping in with the persons, up to gaining POA and taking the lot. I met one person who was befriended by a retired copper and his wife who managed to defraud the person, wealthy neighbour in posh village who was stealing from person with alzheimers bank account and trying to alienate from family
Grandkids taking winter fuel allowance
I would believe anything now. Make sure finances are protected. If they are genuine they will understand

This is very normal in Italian culture. Looking after other people and helping them.

I think it says a lot more about how bad ours is that you see it as suspicious.

She’s only 70 - she’s hardly ancient 😬

Honestly, it sounds like you’re a) a bit embarrassed that these strangers help your aunt when your own son never bothers to pop in, and b) a bit annoyed that she’s managing to make friends and do things that don’t involve you - almost as if you’re a bit jealous.

In my 20s when I no kids, lived far away from my parents and grandparents and was trying to carve out my life in a city, I definitely had the time and energy (and wasn't ground down by cynicism) to do this. I knew loads of folk of different ages and would happily support them in small ways and loved their chat and kindness. DH was the same. They are probably just nice young people.

How do you suggest the OP “makes sure finances are protected”?

This plus Italians are known for looking after older family Members

I'd not be too worried, but keep an eye on the situation - you say one is Italian, certainly in Italian culture the young look out for their elderly relatives and neighbours much more than we do.

It’s sounds completely normal, especially as both households have little local family. Scams and inheritance fraud do happen (remember the lady with dementia who died a few years ago and her family discovered that her neighbour had wheeled her down to the registry office and married her and inherited her house) but it’s simply not reasonable to not have any friends, support, or helpful neighbours over the age of 55 in case you get ripped off. If you are concerned about her being the victim of a scam then you need to up your visits, not order her not to accept pasta from neighbours. The majority of people are nice and socialising with neighbours is completely normal and fine.

You would imagine it could be a long con because befriending is a known method of fraud. Helping with financial transactions is a red flag. Gift cards are popular money-laundering tools.

It could well be innocent and friendly. It could possibly be fraud or abuse.

A previous PP said '… that’s standard when someone is being conned, they double down rather than admit to themselves they've been manipulated.'
Some PPs here are really doubling down.

I have a relative who I am 90% sure is being romance-scammed. They will not even let themselves be awake to the possibility.

I think you need to meet the couple to put your mind at rest. Does your aunt visit you or your son?

Isn’t that up to the aunt?

Is your aunt vulnerable in some way? If she isn’t then I think her autonomy takes precedence.

That said, my cousin’s aunt in London was very frail and vulnerable and was befriended by people working in her local corner shop. They would bring her shopping in and do odd jobs for her but she paid eye watering sums of money to them, both as loans (never paid back) and gifts. Jewellery went missing. Strange transactions and cash withdrawals on her current account. Credit cards taken out at her address. She saw it as a friendship of sorts and obviously was well within her rights to do so but from the family’s point of view it was exploitation. She eventually lost her capacity and was protected by a LPA.

On the other hand, you mention that the young neighbours are Italian. It may well be that they’re missing their extended family and enjoying the social connection with someone older and having a proper adult in their lives.

Ultimately, people who have capacity have to be allowed to make their own judgments and decisions, even if they seem like mistakes to a loving and concerned observer.

Figures from Italy:

"Fraud against the elderly is an alarming and unfortunately growing phenomenon."

"According to the Police Data Bank (SDI/SSD), in 2022, the elderly victims of fraud accounted for almost 18 per cent of the total. In fact, 25,825 cases were reported by the elderly. The age group most affected by scams, again in 2022, was the 65-70 age group (34%) …"

Sounds as though they know all her bank details if they are booking things for her. I would be asking her to check her bank statements carefully and advise her to get a new bank card and not share it ever.

I wonder if the reason this bothers you so much is that seeing the young couple (who are strangers to your aunt) show such warmth, kindness, and compassion makes you feel disappointed in your own adult children because you can't imagine them being so caring towards someone they don't have an obligation to care about.

Your son lives within reasonable travelling distance to your aunt yet won't pop by to see her once a week. You said he seldom visits her, I bet the rare occasions he does go, it's only because you've nagged him into it. That's really shitty of him.

None of this is a reflection on you by the way, your children are adults and make their own choices and develop their own values.

I think the couple helping your aunt sound lovely, we need more people in the world like them. By all means introduce yourself to them and get to know them.

And also register for credit agency fraud alerts.

Exactly, I have a friend who is 71 and still lecturing at university full time and another who is 74 and still doing 3 days a week as a surgeon at the local hospital.