Aunts friendship with young couple

[Georgienne]

Hello all, so my aunt is 70, my father passed away 3 years ago and her husband passed away 2 years ago, she never had any children of her own so my brother and I are her only living family left.
She has lived in the same flat in London for most of her adult life, I highly doubt she will ever leave it, she is still active, goes on cruises, has a handful of local friends though many of her close friends left London when they retired.

I try to visit her about once a month, I don’t live in London myself but she was always an incredible aunt to me and my brother, I also encourage my son who lives in London to go and visit her although he seldom does.

Today I went to see her for the afternoon, and she told me that over the last few months she has developed a friendship with a young couple who live upstairs from her. They are Italian and Swiss, mid 20s. Apparently they have been picking up shopping for her, helping her move furniture and have cooked for her a few times. She seems rather fond of them. She wasn’t feeling very well a few weeks ago and apparently they really rallied round her, cooking, shopping, running errands etc. she didn’t tell me she was ill or I would have gone and looked after her myself.

She is quite the technophobe (I know that many her age are quite proficient with tech but she has rejected it), she has a computer and a landline, and a very simple mobile (not a smart phone). But apparently they have helped her book a trip to save her going into a travel agents etc.

She also doesn’t like going into central London alone now, so was talking about how the young girl had taken her into central London as she needed some new clothes and wanted more variety etc.

I haven’t met them but I’m really unsure what to think of this. I’m really worried that they may be taking advantage or her in some way though she seems totally unconcerned and when we got back to her flat she showed me some pasta they had made her incase she didn’t feel like cooking etc. She told me they have never asked her for money, but sometimes if she was out with friends and stopped into Gail’s or similar she would pick them up a gift card as a thank you.

I don’t know if I’m just very untrusting but I have children in their mid 20s and while I’d like to think they would help if asked I don’t think they would ever even consider going this far for someone they don’t know.

AIBU to be worried?

There are some good people in the world who will help neighbours out. But keep an eye on the situation. Perhaps you could ask to meet them on your next visit, pick up some goodies and say you’d like to thank them.

There is nothing here to report. 70 is really young for an old person and your aunt has capacity. She is not vulnerable. They may benefit from learning language, feeling part of the community. You could ruin a mutually beneficial relationship for no good reason.

I adopted a little lady who fell over outside my house in medical school and did her food shopping/ dropped to hosp appts/weekly visited for the 4y of uni till she died (I was age 19-23) didn't ask for a penny she was lovely to talk to and so grateful (and pribs a bit of guilt that my own nan lived 500miles return trip away so didn't see too often, so wouldn't assume the worst

It’s a cultural thing I suspect. Italians look after the elderly as part of normal life. This does not seem worrying to me at all and they sound lovely.

Absolutely agree other cultures are much more neighbourly. They sound really nice, the OP is so fortunate that they can help out, I hope they don't move the aunt would miss them terribly. People can't do good these days without being accused of having ulterior motives. My cousin's wife used to look after her neighbour who was elderly, and would always cook extra and take her a share of their dinner every night, nothing in it for her, she just couldn't bear that the neighbour might not get a hot meal.

Unless she is cognitively impaired, there is no issue here.
70 is quite young really and no reason why she can’t learn how to face time etc. My much older disabled aunt has learnt how to use WhatsApp and uses that to keep in touch.

I live 8000 miles away from my elderly widowed mother, and she has the most wonderful younger neighbours who moved in just before my dad died and are a godsend to her. They help her with practical stuff and she entertains their young kids. Frankly, if they took my inheritance, they would deserve it. They are excellent friends, and you are never too old to make new ones.

Why do people see bad in everything these days?

If my parents were all on their own and had a younger neighbour who popped in, cooked for them etc I'd be really grateful. I wouldn't automatically assume they were being conned. It's bloody patronising for one thing.

I think sometimes people do have ulterior motives so I understand your concern but it’s not always the case. My next door neighbour found out she had cancer while in lockdown and though she had good friends she didn’t have family. I cooked meals for her, got her food shopping, sent her long emails to catch up and chat (she didn’t like to talk on the phone!). I took her to some hospital appointments etc. I wanted nothing from her and had no intentions other than helping a neighbour in need, she was a lovely woman, so very grateful for my time, she made it easy to be friends. (I was 40, she was 75).

I don’t know if I’m just very untrusting but I have children in their mid 20s and while I’d like to think they would help if asked I don’t think they would ever even consider going this far for someone they don’t know.

That is a pity, but maybe they will become kinder as they get older.

I’m also in the camp to meet them
at some point. I’m afraid from sad experience with my godmother who was befriended by someone who I continue to believe meant well in some ways but was also a chaos agent, the more connections your aunt visibly has, the better supported she will be.

I aim to be a good neighbour, but am also aware eg that my single NDN in her late 70s is better connected than the King, she has literally dozens of close and involved friends. I have a feeling that if God forbid something happens to her, I will be fighting with the crowds to try and do something for her. There may still be a role for me as someone in the spot. I hope they turn out to be just a lovely warm couple.

When I was in my 20s (and at uni) I loved my older neighbours. Felt like having a grandparent and someone to look out for me in a big, lonely, and (at times) scary city. Also they loved hearing all my stories (I’m a chatterbox)- kept them young. Definitely a mutual benefit and not strange at all.

Do keep an eye out but don’t be overly suspicious.

I’d be so grateful! My aunt sounds a LOT like your aunt (technophobe, single in the same flat for years) but she has Parkinson’s so needs a bit more help.

Despite living in the same flat for ages none of her neighbours do anything beyond sending a Christmas card and polite exchanges in the hallway. In covid they would help her into the shared garden and chat socially distanced, but now they just rush by. I would LOVE if someone living so close was looking out for her!

This thread is actually really heart warming. Kudos to all the lovely kind people on here who have helped and befriended elderly neighbors.

Why do people see bad in everything these days?
Because scammers steal £11Bn from the British public every year? (GASA, 2024)

My Dd and her boyfriend live in London and have a very similar relationship with their upstairs neighbour who’s in his 70s and has very little interaction with anyone else.

Im really proud of them for looking out for him! You should be very grateful your aunt has someone on hand she can rely on.

When I was in my mid twenties I volunteered with Age UK and visited older people in their homes, helped out with errands etc. Some young people just like to be helpful and enjoy the company of older people. In your situation I would go up and introduce myself when you're visiting her, give them your number and get to know them a bit. They sound lovely

This 👆

I think you should go up and speak to them. Thank them for their kindness and give them your phone number and email address to keep on their fridge.

Tell them that if they ever have any concerns they should be in touch with you straight away.

Also ask them for their numbers and emails so you can contact if necessary. For example, your Aunt says or does something concerning.

It's probably all ok and they are kind but they need to know that you are the relative.

Yes, my parents had lovely neighbours who kept a daily eye on them. Great couple, and no devious intent. 🤷‍♀️

My parents were befriended in their eighties by a young Moroccan couple. They cooked for them and took them out places. They also stole many thousands from them over a period of time, including all of my mother’s jewellery.

My mother was utterly convinced by them, wouldn’t hear a word against them. I could do nothing because they were living abroad. I did my best to keep them at bay and inevitably they slipped up and gave themselves away.

There’s every possibility that the couple helping your aunt are just lovely caring neighbours, but because of my experience I’d be watchful.

I’m 34 now but definitely would have helped an older neighbour out like this in my 20’s. I was a qualified nurse at 21, why would it be so wild that someone in their 20’s respected and wanted to help an older lady and have no agenda? My friend has become really good friends with her older neighbour, nothing in it she’s just super friendly with both him & his wife now. A bit of a grandchild relationship to be honest, she’s motivated him to get back to the gym etc. In general terms I’d say it’s also culturally different how Europeans view/treat their elders than generally speaking in the UK.

I used to do this for my neighbour during Covid when she had no family available to visit. Italians are genuinely lovely, hospitable people. I used to work at an Italian restaurant firm in head office (with an industrial kitchen downstairs) when my kids were little and I had no childcare for two weeks. My god, they told me to bring them into the office, they had colouring laid out for them, taught them how to make pasta, fed them ALL DAY for nothing. My oldest who’s 20 still messages an ex colleague (I stopped working there 10 years ago) for recipes and his mother who we have never met sends us a gift basket at Christmas of Italian stuff 😂😂😂.

I am in my 30’s and have friends from 20’s up to 100. There is a 100 year old lady who lives alone nearby and I pop round for coffee and a chat or help with odd jobs. My motivation is that she is engaging, has fantastic stories, and it is company for her. I’ve not been given anything in return (and would not expect it) but if she gave me a gift card it wouldn’t be any different to a friend getting a gift. Her daughter lives abroad and she spoke to me on the phone once and I said she was more than welcome to knock on and meet me when she is next in the area. If you are concerned why not meet the couple?

It is great that you are concerned for your aunt but she sounds capable and having friends of different age groups is a positive thing. If she chooses to buy them gift cards and they haven’t asked I wouldn’t worry. I understand the concern but given that your aunt is sound of mind and there are some kind people around it sounds above board.

I would also want to meet them. It could be that they are lovely helpful people or they could have ulterior motives. I don’t thing it is wrong to feel a bit concerned in this situation. Not saying they have done anything wrong but sounds like they might have had access to her card details if they have been helping her buy things online.