Aunts friendship with young couple

[Georgienne]

Hello all, so my aunt is 70, my father passed away 3 years ago and her husband passed away 2 years ago, she never had any children of her own so my brother and I are her only living family left.
She has lived in the same flat in London for most of her adult life, I highly doubt she will ever leave it, she is still active, goes on cruises, has a handful of local friends though many of her close friends left London when they retired.

I try to visit her about once a month, I don’t live in London myself but she was always an incredible aunt to me and my brother, I also encourage my son who lives in London to go and visit her although he seldom does.

Today I went to see her for the afternoon, and she told me that over the last few months she has developed a friendship with a young couple who live upstairs from her. They are Italian and Swiss, mid 20s. Apparently they have been picking up shopping for her, helping her move furniture and have cooked for her a few times. She seems rather fond of them. She wasn’t feeling very well a few weeks ago and apparently they really rallied round her, cooking, shopping, running errands etc. she didn’t tell me she was ill or I would have gone and looked after her myself.

She is quite the technophobe (I know that many her age are quite proficient with tech but she has rejected it), she has a computer and a landline, and a very simple mobile (not a smart phone). But apparently they have helped her book a trip to save her going into a travel agents etc.

She also doesn’t like going into central London alone now, so was talking about how the young girl had taken her into central London as she needed some new clothes and wanted more variety etc.

I haven’t met them but I’m really unsure what to think of this. I’m really worried that they may be taking advantage or her in some way though she seems totally unconcerned and when we got back to her flat she showed me some pasta they had made her incase she didn’t feel like cooking etc. She told me they have never asked her for money, but sometimes if she was out with friends and stopped into Gail’s or similar she would pick them up a gift card as a thank you.

I don’t know if I’m just very untrusting but I have children in their mid 20s and while I’d like to think they would help if asked I don’t think they would ever even consider going this far for someone they don’t know.

AIBU to be worried?

All of this sounds lovely and neighborly - I have done similar for neighbors and would certainly offer help and company to any elderly neighbor who needed it.

She's 70, and hardly on death's door. Why would you imagine they are doing a long con to get their hands on her money - just because they are neighbourly and friendly, when her nephew can't be bothered.

It sounds like she is taking advantage of them and their good nature, if anything. I hope she pays her way

I think it's really sad you have this suspicion of people..
My mum is disabled and she cannot move for offers of help 24/7. She's just moved into a new flat in a block and they are all straight away helping her any way they can.
I think it's lovely to help out your neighbours and also pretty normal and commonplace.
My neighbours are a lovely elderly couple and we often give each other food.. fir example if I can't use all my vegetable delivery I'll hand it over to them.. and they've brought round cakes before etc
I've never lived anywhere where neighbours haven't been helping each other.
One of my work colleagues lives next to a woman in her 80s and he does her garden for her and drives her home from the supermarket when he's available.Hes no relation, he's just young abd happy to help someone who needs help.

Of course you are not in any way unreasonable to monitor the situation. Please try to ensure she has not given them PINs, passwords or any other important information or loaned out bank cards etc.

If you can, be more involved in her life, like set up a way for her to have a video chat with you once, a week, get a little dedicated tablet for her and just have it ready to go so she only has to click it to open the call. Talk to her then about any technological needs or other needs she may have.

Don't say anything negative about them to her just yet, they could be genuinely kind and even if they are conning her you will have to be careful as she will probably become offended and hide things from you if you say this - that's standard when someone is being conned, they double down rather than admit to themselves they've been manipulated.

If you are genuinely concerned do report it. You can contact Hourglass for some advice https: // www.wearehourglass. org/financial-abuse

The answer is one of them is Italian and one is Swiss. They are both of nationalities and cultures who value the older generation and look after them.
They might not have any family of their own in this country and value having an older friend in their lives to look after and care about.

You could always visit her more and her great nephew could and maybe you'd bump into them.

Fine to be suspicious but it just seems they come from cultures where multi generational connection is consider normal.

The reality is she might need more of a look in but none of her family are willing and the kindness of strangers has taken up the spot.

Some of the responses to this thread are so lovely. I am glad there are such kind people in the world. I hope to have a lovely elderly neighbour or friend I can help out myself one day.

I can see your point @Ravnurin, but I always thank the people who help my Dad out (he’s 87), especially when he’s been unwell. He’s mentally sharp and can thank them himself, but I’m also grateful to them.

I suppose I feel that they’re helping our entire family as we can’t always step up due to distance. Perhaps that’s wrong?

70 isn’t particularly old and she has mental capacity. If they wanted to prey on a vulnerable person for financial gain, surely they’d pick on someone aged 80+ or someone with mental health issues.

I think that this is a straightforward friendship.

I have an elderly neighbour, I get his paper every morning.
he is bad in his legs and doesn’t get out much, his paper is his world
also get milk/bread of he needs - no bother to me at all - he has children, son visits every Sunday. I hope they don’t think this of me ?
wow - visit more often or do more if that’s the case !
I work full time and have two children just fyi

I’d definitely be wary OP. My elderly childless relative had hordes of people befriending him and after he died a few of them tried to help themselves to his stuff!! Maybe this couple is just purely kind, but maybe not. Time to meet them and to make it known that you are around and keeping an eye on auntie.

@BruFord The risk is infantilising the person receiving the help. In the OP’s case her aunt is capable of maintaining a friendship with these people herself. Yes they help her out, but friends do help each other. They are not her carers. So it’s for her to thank them when she wants to, not for the OP. I don’t know the circumstances of your father but if you say he’s mentally sharp doesn’t it undermine him if you thank someone else on his behalf? Just because some is elderly doesn’t mean they need someone to speak for them.

@Ravnurin I suppose that I just thank people when they help out my family, I don’t think of it as infantilising,

If my young adult children thanked someone for helping me, I don’t think it would bother me. But that’s me, everyone’s different.

This

Ive always developed friendships with older people even in my early 20s there was an older couple who use to drink in a pub I worked in in London, we became friends along with other young staff, we attended the man’s funeral and helped out his partner a lot, nothing was ever expected in return, we were regulars at their flat I still have photos of us all. I lost contact after moving away but have had similar friendships over the years.

of course we always need to be on guard with most things in life but until you meet these people you won’t get a real sense of them.

Yep. It is absolutely harmless and correct to keep a weather eye on this. And very stupid indeed to simply assume good intentions.

She should try to get to know the couple a bit, be friendly and in the meantime be more involved in her aunt's life if possible to help her with tech stuff etc.

I'm late 50s and have couple of friends in their mid 20s. I used to work with one of them and I was her work mum. She asks me stuff she feels she can't ask her parents.

The other one is a neighbour and we just get on. I like her because she is very intelligent and I can have a proper deep conversation with her. We have a few shared interests too - board games and cats.

Both of them are neurodivergent as am I. I think that also draws us to each other.

OP, as long as your aunt has all her marbles, I wouldn't be that worried. If it is just a normal friendship, it sounds great.

Your son sounds lovely. I think intergenerational friendships are generally a very positive thing, certainly nothing to worry about unless there's anything obviously amiss.

My best mate and I (lived next door but one) became friends with the elderly lady who lived in the house between us..

I say 'became friends' - she shouted out of her window at me 'OI, cocker, come here...' and I trotted over and she sent me to the shop for her because she was house bound...

And from there on, there were cups of tea and trips to the library (also opposite) and taking her to t'Asda when she started going out a bit more, and being called at 9am to swap her curtains over or asked if I fancied making a cake as she woke up fancying home made cake...

We'd make joint meals between our two households, always accounting some extra for J next door - a lot of time was spent rounding up pots, pans, bowls and plates...

Her son returned from living abroad, we got on well with him, he went off abroad again and her other son showed up... and we sussed he was taking the piss (stealing money, doing drugs, dealing drugs) - with the agreement of her other son we got rid of him ASAP (one of us took her out to t'Asda whilst the other rang the police having seen him go in, we'd found out he was wanted, having done a bunk from somewhere down south)...

She became in effect, our other Mum in many respects - we loved her to bits, she was a cantankerous old boot, but hilarious with it and endlessly generous with her time and wisdom.

When she died, I inherited incredible treasures, all my efforts paid off..

I got her favourite mug with her name on it. It still sits on my kitchen counter.

Go and say hello to this couple, thank them for looking after your Aunt, give them your number in case of emergencies. Then they'll know who you are and that you are around, and you know who they are.

Being Swiss and Italian, I imagine they are very family orientated and respectful of the older generation. Their family dynamics are totally different to ours. You could give your aunt a warning mention i.e. be careful they don't take advantage, but beyond that there is little you can do at 70.

Next time you visit pop up stairs and introduce yourself and exchange
phone numbers for anytime they are worried about her.

It sounds quite innocent to me, possibly they are missing their own family or have a poorly grandma in Italy too far away to help or just have a good moral compass and more empathy then the average 20 something.

Obviously it may not be innocent so staying in the loop, maintaining contact with them and your aunt, helping check bank accounts if you have access to them seems quite sensible.

So yeah, it is completely and totally harmless in every way to keep a weather eye on them.

And unbelievably stupid and dangerous to simply assume good intentions.

Get to know them, if possible and spend more time helping your aunt if possible.

And you can contact Hourglass for some advice https: // www.wearehourglass. org/financial-abuse

Don’t do this. It’s so patronising. I’m 65 and I would be furious if a family member’thanked’ any of my friends for ‘helping’ me.Your aunt sounds as though she has complete cognitive awareness.They sound like a kind couple.

i dont know how to vote
they are her neighbours so they are not random, unlikely to be jehovahs witness who might take her money
i would arrange to meet them