To want to know when he’s coming home?

[Waitykatey]

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

Sorry, I wouldn’t be tolerating this - he’s a grown adult, he doesn’t need to be at mummy and daddy’s house every night for his tea.

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

I think he needs to move back to his parents. I also think you should end tge relationship as he is not an independent adult.

I agree with the first poster - what a child he is. I am sorry I wouldn’t tolerate this nonsense either you are either living together or you’re not. if he wants to go to the gym at his parents after work thats fine - its not fine to want to be at his Mum and Dads every night till late.

I think you have to be clear here about the expectations, or go back to separate living.

So he comes to your place for sex and sleep but otherwise is at his parents'.

considered his parents house “home”

Send him back to his real home. He hasn't cut the cord.

Yeah, he can stay at his parents then, he’s not quite grown out of it.

Everything that I came on to say has already been said, I second every single comment above!

If he wants to hang out with his mum and dad every night what's the point of you living together? He's supposed to want to mostly spend that time with you

My friend had a husband like this, he would just go out and not communicate where he was going or when he would be home. She realised when they had a child that she could no longer accept him just leaving the house without a word and assuming she was ok looking after their child indefinitely.

edited to add I am not talking about curfews here, when my DH and I go out with friends separately I do not expect him back by a certain time.

He can move back with them. How ridiculous.

Sorry, op. I just don't think he's in this relationship as much as you are. You are playing the pick me dance with his Mum and Dad.

How old are you both op?

He can’t even accommodate dropping you a quick one liner to update? Not a great sign OP

I don’t often know when to expect my husband home, it’s the nature of his work. He’ll let me know if he’s going to be especially late but it’s generally between 5-9pm. I’d be annoyed if he was chosing to have tea with his mum and dad rather than me each day though.

How local are his parents to you?

And your relationship with them?

Do the pair of you spend weekends together? Or is he with his mum and dad?

What is the advantage to you of him moving in? Is he making any financial contribution, is he doing 50% of the housework, washing, cleaning etc? If no, kick him out and raise your standards.

He is just using your address to pseudo pretend to be a grown up !
is he paying rent ?
He prefers his parents home to your company. kind if says it all

LOLNO I wouldn't put up with that nonsense. Tell him he needs to move back into his parents house, because he clearly can't cut the cord. This won't get any better.

@Waitykatey oh dear! how long is the apron string????

I feel like I’ve somewhat misrepresented him. He’s honestly the loveliest most supportive partner. Yes we spend weekends together - alone, with his family, with my family. We’re an entirely normal couple the majority of the time. It’s hard to represent via an anon online forum but everything is completely lovely except this one odd thing.

It’s just these odd nights here and there where he forgets himself and hangs out at his parents after work, and can’t seem to get used to updating me on his plan.

I have no doubts whatsoever about his feelings for me or his commitment. I do, however, think it’s more normal tk let your partner know when you’ll be back.

My husband would easily get waylaid at work and NOT let me know. I usually enquire after his well being at around 8pm.

TBH pre kids I had hobbies that meant I was quite sporadic on when I got home too.

How often does this happen? The impression I got from from your OP was this is pretty much daily.

Once a week, as long as he let me know he was staying at his parents after work that day and I knew to only sort food for myself wouldn’t be an issue.

Every day would drive me insane.

Why does he stay when they aren’t there? I get using the gym equipment for free, or spending time with his parents - but to sit and watch tv when they are out is odd.

I have presence you don’t have children as you haven’t mentioned any - if you do, my answers would change.

How much of the housework etc does he do?

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever

but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around

It’s just these odd nights here and there

You said at first ‘usually’ and ‘the last couple of nights’ then after you got everyone’s reasonable replies, changed it to ‘odd nights here and there’.

I think other posters are correct. And yes, what’s the point of him living with you?

Is this a regular thing or not? Your initial post sounded as if it is but your update suggests otherwise.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever

I find it odd that after spending a whole day working with his Dad he finds it necessary to “usually” hang around after work with his parents too when he has a partner at home. Makes sense if he lived alone but he doesn’t.

And what do you mean by he brings his own food home if he doesn’t eat dinner at his parents ?

You live together - are his groceries not in your shared home? By his own food do you mean food from his parents house or a takeaway?

It’s strange that he doesn’t want to eat dinner with you most nights

So he would rather sit in their house, on his own, than come home to you?