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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know when he’s coming home?

164 replies

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:05

Ok so…. You’ve gone from feeling decidedly pissed off to…. Hey, chill out guys, he’s a gem.

Show quote history

I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 17/09/2025 15:42

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:25

Not remotely. We both have grown up children.

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So he's a middle aged man and still can't behave like an adult in a relationship? Eww.

Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 15:43

Yeah I've got to agree with others OP... Not really sure why you started this thread because all you have done is back-pedalled since your first post!

Snizzywu · 17/09/2025 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Exactly! It’s like she switched up when posters started criticising him. But she obviously thought it was an issue too when she started the thread.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:44

This is such an odd thread. You started off complaining massively about his shitty behaviour and now everyone is agreeing with you, you’re back-tracking and going on about how lovely he is Confused

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:45

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

Show quote history

Lovely men don’t take advantage of their ageing parents instead of coming home to their partners, and they certainly don’t get annoyed when they’re asked for their plans for the evening.

Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:47

Sassylovesbooks · 17/09/2025 15:42

Your partner is either living with you or he isn't. He can't sleep at your home, but spend the rest of his evening once he's finished work with his parents! I understand to a degree when he was single. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, at all. I think your partner needs to decide where he's living. Why is he eating at his parents? He should be coming home and having a meal and evening time, with you. If your partner left work at 5.30 pm, would he be home before you or after? Is he staying at his parents to avoid having to do any domestic chores like cooking, tidying the kitchen, washing up/loading the dishwasher?!!!! If he spent large proportions of his time whilst single, with his parents, my guess is, he's not used to cooking for himself or domestic chores!!! Likelihood is, his Mum did all this for him!

I do agree with this and I’ve said this to him. If he had a normal office job, he’d come home after work (presumably…), hence what he does a couple of nights a week now is not what I’d consider normal, and exactly why I wrote this thread.

It’s definitely not about chores or cooking. He’s very domestic (I’m not!). More likely he’d be helping his parents with something round the house, rather than coming home.

It does indeed drive me mad and I agree with the PPs who’ve said it’s inconsiderate, but there’s no ill intention that I can tell. More just he’d old a stuck in his ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:44

This is such an odd thread. You started off complaining massively about his shitty behaviour and now everyone is agreeing with you, you’re back-tracking and going on about how lovely he is Confused

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 15:52

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

Show quote history

It doesn't make him sound awful.

It makes him sound odd.

You've only just moved in together and half of the week he is spending the evenings in his parents house (even when they are not there) for no reason rather than coming home to you?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 15:53

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

Show quote history

His behaviour is awful though - if he respected you, your relationship or your time he wouldn’t be going round for tea with mummy and daddy and sitting on their sofa watching TV instead of coming home to you.

BadgernTheGarden · 17/09/2025 15:53

Can you go to his parents for tea and/or to hang out?

BuckChuckets · 17/09/2025 15:53

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

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I'm sure most people could - but most people don't post about them on MN unless those examples are causing them major concern/upset.

Dragonfly97 · 17/09/2025 15:54

I had a similar problem with my husband not long after we married; in the evenings a couple of times a week he'd slope off to his parent's house, and one night he went straight there from work, while I hung around wondering when to start tea.

I made it quite clear we were heading for divorce if he didn't pack it in and decide whether he wanted to be married or not, and things improved. We still have his mum on the phone every day DH is at home ( he works away during the week) and I've warned him about that, he feels sorry for her because she's had a pretty miserable life with FIL, but that's her choice, she's stayed with him.

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 15:56

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:50

I was expecting I’d be told I was being controlling and needy! Hence I asked if IABU to expect to know his plans.

I am not backtracking. I am sharing more context as this thread alone makes him sound awful, when he really isn’t,

Show quote history

I don’t think the thread makes him sound awful and I don’t think you’ve misrepresented anything. I still wouldn’t put up with this situation though. If he’s just hanging around on the sofa watching TV and his parents aren’t even there, why can’t he go and do that at his actual home? Honestly I thought you were going to say you were both in your early twenties.

Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 15:56

BadgernTheGarden · 17/09/2025 15:53

Can you go to his parents for tea and/or to hang out?

Why on earth would she want to do that?! 😆I love my PIL but after a day at work, the last thing I would want to do is go and sit in their house for absolutely no fucking reason at all.

Also, if OPs DP wanted to spend time with her, he would go home!!! Why would she go and sit with him in his parents house?! Maybe if they were in their late teens / early 20s but they're both middle aged!

meganorks · 17/09/2025 15:57

I'm curious why he's moved in with you and not his parents. Because that seems like the better option for him. And that way he could arrange to see you when he wants and stick to those plans. What's the point of living with someone if you are never there?!

GimmieABreakOr3 · 17/09/2025 15:58

Sounds like he needs to cut the chord…..

Londonrach1 · 17/09/2025 15:58

Sounds like he hasn't moved out mentally from his childhood home... Yanbu. I wouldn't like this I know that

Starlight1984 · 17/09/2025 16:00

OP - if he has grown up children, what did he do when he was with his ex-wife / in the marital home?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/09/2025 16:05

I think saying to you that he likes to play things by ear... and therefore cannot answer you when you text to ask what time he's coming home..... really sucks. And this is your "honeymoon" phase when living together is a novelty.

Him playing it by ear, just means that you are expected to wait around for him like a footman or a parlour maid until he suddenly decides to come home. It really affects how you spend entire evenings because you just don't know if you are doing this alone or with another person until he actually turns up.

How very spontaneous of him - to never know from one hour to the next what he's doing. Except it completely deprives you of spontaneity because you've just got to wait around for the Grand Return. And also.... its not as if he's doing anything exciting is it.. just umming and Ahhing about at his mum and dads... doing bits of DIY and dining with them. On the regular. But that's more valuable to him.

It may be small things but on a regular basis that would drive me mad because it adds up,It means you don't know whether to cook for both of you or just yourself.. do you have to wait dinner, what about shopping buy for one, buy for both, what if you wanted to go to the cinema.. or watch a particular programme with him or you'd had a difficult day and just wanted to have a conversation.

Really its almost like you are still living as a single person.

I also think that not giving you an answer when you texted him for more than two hours - particularly if this is something he's in the habit of doing.... just fucks up your evening... and its a kind of sheer arrogance. You don't deserve an answer because he's such a wild free spirit he can't commit to an actual home time.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 16:06

BadgernTheGarden · 17/09/2025 15:53

Can you go to his parents for tea and/or to hang out?

Why on earth would she want to do that? 🙈

Justchillinhere · 17/09/2025 16:10

A lot of people post about what's bothering them then say it's not all that bad, because they also have good points, no amount of niceness would make me put up with that. This is early days!

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 16:37

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:42

I am pissed off when he doesn’t let me know when he’ll be back. but he’s an otherwise lovely lovely man. I suspect we could all give examples of our partners behaviour that would make them look intolerable in isolation.

Show quote history

So what’s your aim with this thread? Just to let off steam? Well it’s not going to deliver Op because we’re all…. WTF??? This is a man in his fifties with grown up kids?

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 16:52

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

She said he sits round there watching TV when his parents aren’t even there. It’s not about spending time with his parents, it’s about him seeing that as his home, rather than his actual home.

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