To want to know when he’s coming home?

[Waitykatey]

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

I'm nearly 60, so is my DP. If that conversation happened between me and my DD/friend, it would be asked " who's playing (for him) and what supernatural/zombie film I'm watching. We don't live in each other's pockets and have different interests. I'm not going to run home to sit in front of football for two hours. So I ask my DD if she needs to do something after work and babysit my GC. However this was made clear during the dating years. Not all of us want human companion animals. A conversation does need to be had, expectations talked through and a compromise to be met.

To me it sounds like he needs downtime. My DP is a, constant background noise person, I like a bit of silence. I've chilled in my DD's, by myself, after doing childcare.

He is man who works with his father and has no dependent children, and lives with just his girlfriend.

This is not a man over burdened

Well, if he needs that much downtime then he shouldn’t have moved in with his partner, should he?

I absolutely agree about not needing a human competition animal who's always home - absolutely. The lack of communication is utterly disrespectful though. I'd be completely happy if my DH wanted to hang out with his parents (if he had them, sadly they're deceased) after work but not happy just never knowing whether he was going to be out all evening or in all evening. I'd be looking forward to an evening alone with my book, or planning to go for a walk or to eat something he didn't like for dinner or whatever, but I'd really hate it if he couldn't be arsed to tell me he wouldn't be home, or would be home at roughly 5 today instead of roughly 9 like yesterday.

It's the utter lack of any thought or consideration for the person who may, or may not, get the house to themselves, and may, or may not, have their own long phone call or reading time or study time or messy crafting hobby spread all over the place or indulgence in a takeaway or whatever they're doing interrupted at 6pm, or 8pm, or 9pm depending on the whim of the "partner".

And if you asked your partner to update you so that you knew when back, your response would be….?

I mean.. I think it sounds quite nice! 😀

I think assuming he has evening plans with his parents and will be home late so you can plan your own evening is a way to get to less annoyance about this.

If what you want is more time together (rather than information so you understand what he's doing and how it fits with you) then it's important to say that.

Me too!
You're not really living together at all

Really! He hasn't left home has he?

If he has grown up children, I’m going to assume he’s in his late 40s/50s.

And he still sees his elderly parents home as his home?!

Sorry but what a complete wet blanket. Massive turn off for me, but OP, you choose the partner that works for you. You don’t need to justify your choice but equally don’t post any annoyance on here if you’re then going to backtrack instantly.

Does he pay half the rent and bills? If so I think you've struck gold. Nothing worse than having someone under your feet! He's around when you make plans and you have your own space when not. Its a win win - if you don't see it now, you will later. Xx

@Starling7 No,not everyone will eventually think they’ve struck gold being partnered with a grown man who prefers to hang around his childhood home in the evenings frequently (after working with at least one parent the whole day) instead of being home with their partner.

It’s almost as if everyone is different right?

I am far from a clingy partner but I know I’d never sign up to this arrangement especially when he can’t even do her the basic courtesy of keeping her updated, when she has asked him. He’s been massively inconsiderate ignoring that request so I don’t see how you can confidently say she will one day be happy about this.

Agree.