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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know when he’s coming home?

164 replies

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2025 17:37

Your “super laid back” is my “flakey”

JillMW · 17/09/2025 17:38

I was expecting him to be a teenager not a grown man with grown up kids. You are making it worse for us readers by backtracking and saying you have misrepresented him.
I can only think of two options
1 You are handy for sex as his mum has got sick of him bringing people into his bedroom
2 He needs an address. Take care that your home is not being used for illegal activity.
You do sound extremely naive

Gladysknightgottogetaholdofmyself · 17/09/2025 17:39

Fgs don't have children with him.

tipsyraven · 17/09/2025 17:41

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/09/2025 16:05

I think saying to you that he likes to play things by ear... and therefore cannot answer you when you text to ask what time he's coming home..... really sucks. And this is your "honeymoon" phase when living together is a novelty.

Him playing it by ear, just means that you are expected to wait around for him like a footman or a parlour maid until he suddenly decides to come home. It really affects how you spend entire evenings because you just don't know if you are doing this alone or with another person until he actually turns up.

How very spontaneous of him - to never know from one hour to the next what he's doing. Except it completely deprives you of spontaneity because you've just got to wait around for the Grand Return. And also.... its not as if he's doing anything exciting is it.. just umming and Ahhing about at his mum and dads... doing bits of DIY and dining with them. On the regular. But that's more valuable to him.

It may be small things but on a regular basis that would drive me mad because it adds up,It means you don't know whether to cook for both of you or just yourself.. do you have to wait dinner, what about shopping buy for one, buy for both, what if you wanted to go to the cinema.. or watch a particular programme with him or you'd had a difficult day and just wanted to have a conversation.

Really its almost like you are still living as a single person.

I also think that not giving you an answer when you texted him for more than two hours - particularly if this is something he's in the habit of doing.... just fucks up your evening... and its a kind of sheer arrogance. You don't deserve an answer because he's such a wild free spirit he can't commit to an actual home time.

Edited

This.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:43

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

She seems mildly annoyed rather than INFURIATED, and also seems to be mildly annoyed at the number of posters whose default state is INFURIATION.

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It’s starting to drive me a bit mad

infuriated enough to start a pretty long thread about it

either way..,. In the space of an hour the op seems to have gone from rightfully pissed off about this to…. Back off mumsnet, he’s dreamt

when he’s clearly very far from dreamy in most of our opinions!

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 17:43

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

Talk about missing the point.

It’s not about him seeing his parents - it’s about him having dinner there multiple times a week, hanging out there when they’re not even home and preferring to sit there on his own rather than coming back to his own house and seeing his partner.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:43

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2025 17:37

Your “super laid back” is my “flakey”

And disinterested

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:45

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:58

He pays rent, does more housework than me and is a completely equal partner. It’s just these couple of nights a week when he falls back into the same routine he had before he moved in with me.

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He pays you rent? So you’re the home owner and he’s the renter? Did he move from his parents in to your place?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 17:45

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 17:02

But by the same token as a grown adult he can decide how he wants to spend his time. Just as OP as a grown adult can suggest he moves out again if he doesn't prioritise time with her after work.

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Well sure, but he can’t then complain that his partner is pissed off when he’s always round mummy and daddy’s instead of at his own house.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:47

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:39

The other way round he’d be delighted for some quiet time and delighted I’d had a nice evening. He’s utterly relaxed and happy-go-lucky, but forgets not everyone else is! I like a bit of structure.

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** some quiet time”

both of you have adult children
his definitely won’t be living with you both, so do yours?
in any event.., he works either way his aged dad and then comes home to no dependents and his girlfriend. How busy and hectic is his life that he’s desperate for “some quiet time”?

TheLemonLemur · 17/09/2025 17:51

Who instigated you moving in together? He sounds like hes used to his own space and has moved in with you to cut costs but wants to maintain a solo lifestyle where he can laze about, get fed and essentially act like a child

C152 · 17/09/2025 17:58

Personally, I'd run a mile, but I get the impression you feel the benefits outweight this one negative, which is fine if it works for you. I do think it's very odd that an adult who is old enough to have a grown up child (!) doesn't know some pretty standard relationship expectations. It actually sounds like he's a great flatmate rather than your boyfriend.

Snizzywu · 17/09/2025 18:01

any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

No, they are making a good point. Let’s not forget he’s also working with his Dad. His mother probably pops by at some point during the day and/or they both see her for lunch.

So he’s already spending a large chunk or the majority of his waking hours with at least one of his parents, so way more than the “bare minimum”!

Then he goes and adds to it by staying for dinner or to chat while he has a partner alone at home and then the Cherry on the icing is that he doesn’t even text.

oviraptor21 · 17/09/2025 18:01

He should want to be chilling with you, not with his parents. That alone would have me telling him to leave.
Time to find someone who values you more.

Gingersky1234 · 17/09/2025 18:03

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:31

I feel like I’ve somewhat misrepresented him. He’s honestly the loveliest most supportive partner. Yes we spend weekends together - alone, with his family, with my family. We’re an entirely normal couple the majority of the time. It’s hard to represent via an anon online forum but everything is completely lovely except this one odd thing.

It’s just these odd nights here and there where he forgets himself and hangs out at his parents after work, and can’t seem to get used to updating me on his plan.

I have no doubts whatsoever about his feelings for me or his commitment. I do, however, think it’s more normal tk let your partner know when you’ll be back.

I think the issue here is that you are being treated like the side salad instead of the main course op; and it’s not a nice feeling.

First of all, I wouldn’t be so available. I would go out with friends rather than hang around. I would be a bit mysterious about your movements too. That way, you aren’t cast in the role of pursuer against your will,

And secondly, I would try and compromise on two week day nights together when he prioritises your time together over everything else and he lets you know when he will be back.

I think it’s quite poor manners to turn up at nine when the main part of the evening, and dinner, is over. It’s disrespectful and thoughtless because he hasn’t considered that you might like to chill and have some me time, relaxed in the knowledge that he is not coming back, or you want to eat together and make the most of the evening as a couple if he is!

It’s all about his convenience and not yours!

When you commit to a relationship; it’s unreasonable to carry on with the same routine as you did when you were single!

mumofoneAloneandwell · 17/09/2025 18:03

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 13:32

Sorry, I wouldn’t be tolerating this - he’s a grown adult, he doesn’t need to be at mummy and daddy’s house every night for his tea.

This

I'd get the ick, are you not a grown man 🤢🤢

Zanatdy · 17/09/2025 18:09

It is a bit odd yes. Fair enough to want to spend some time with his parents a couple of evenings, but sounds like he has that already. I think i’d savour the quiet time as long as I knew in advance. Or what i’d do is say if I don’t hear from you, i’ll be making my dinner at x time, so sort yourself out. Two evenings doing his own thing in itself isn’t terrible, but he does need to keep you updated.

femfemlicious · 17/09/2025 18:11

Yup get him to move back. He is going to keep doing this even after kids. He is sitting on the sofa even when they are not home?. Send him back there.

DontLockHorns · 17/09/2025 18:13

femfemlicious · 17/09/2025 18:11

Yup get him to move back. He is going to keep doing this even after kids. He is sitting on the sofa even when they are not home?. Send him back there.

He’s a middle-aged man with adult DC from previous relationship(s).

SybTheGeek · 17/09/2025 18:14

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

Going home after work is the default situation so it's not usually necessary to 'plan in advance' to go home. He seems to have two homes and moves between them on a whim without considering you. Tell him it's upsetting you and see if he puts it right. You'll soon see how much you really mean to him.

GarlicPint · 17/09/2025 18:15

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:47

I do agree with this and I’ve said this to him. If he had a normal office job, he’d come home after work (presumably…), hence what he does a couple of nights a week now is not what I’d consider normal, and exactly why I wrote this thread.

It’s definitely not about chores or cooking. He’s very domestic (I’m not!). More likely he’d be helping his parents with something round the house, rather than coming home.

It does indeed drive me mad and I agree with the PPs who’ve said it’s inconsiderate, but there’s no ill intention that I can tell. More just he’d old a stuck in his ways.

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It is odd. It's even more odd that he got annoyed with you for chasing him up. It feels like he doesn't really see himself as living with you.

There's a possibility you are actually incompatible, despite all the good stuff. You like structure, he actively disdains it. I'm sympathetic with him here - I run away from structure (childhood ishoos) but yet another odd thing here: he isn't rejecting routine or structure; he's simply maintaining his old structure.

The only way to stay sane is to consider him absent every time he tells you he's staying on at Dad's. Be single. Eat your dinner, watch your films and whatever you do by yourself, go out with friends. Advise him to kip at theirs because he's not allowed to just meander over in time to sleep with you!

A semi-together arrangement like this would suit a lot of people. If it doesn't suit you, there are some uncomfortable negotiations to be had.

usedtobeaylis · 17/09/2025 18:17

It sounds like you have plenty of time alone and together and i wouldn't have any issue with him hanging out at his parents a couple of times a week - but I would expect a polite heads up about his plans.

femfemlicious · 17/09/2025 18:18

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:47

I do agree with this and I’ve said this to him. If he had a normal office job, he’d come home after work (presumably…), hence what he does a couple of nights a week now is not what I’d consider normal, and exactly why I wrote this thread.

It’s definitely not about chores or cooking. He’s very domestic (I’m not!). More likely he’d be helping his parents with something round the house, rather than coming home.

It does indeed drive me mad and I agree with the PPs who’ve said it’s inconsiderate, but there’s no ill intention that I can tell. More just he’d old a stuck in his ways.

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You are getting skewed responses because you made it seem like he does it every day. 2 days a week is not bad, I guess the problem is that you don't know which 2 days he will stay there and he wants flexibility about it. He needs to remember to send you a text on the day and assume he won't have dinner with you.

He sounds OK. Don't kick him out.

waterrat · 17/09/2025 18:19

When I moved in with Dh for the first time it was really exciting! it was romantic and we loved coming home to each other at the end of the day.

This sounds like he is deliberately avoiding coming home to you.

pikkumyy77 · 17/09/2025 18:19

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:38

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

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You are being unreasonable having a sex life with a preteen it. He isnt ready to have an adult relationship. Why do you out up eith this?