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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know when he’s coming home?

164 replies

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

OP posts:
BonfireToffee · 17/09/2025 16:52

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

I stayed with a bloke like this, OP - I married him, in fact.

It never improved despite me asking and asking, and despite us having a child together. Now I've left him, he's back sleeping at mummy and daddy's several nights a week, and hanging out with his brothers whenever he gets the chance.

If it doesn't feel like he's picked you, it's because he hasn't.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 16:53

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:50

OP, any mention of a man spending any more than the bare minimum of time with his parents on this site will produce pages and pages of posters calling him a mummy's boy. They have issues.

I think this mostly depends on how his timing affects you. On weekday evenings the information I need is if DP will be home for dinner, because if he won't be (or if he'll be later than we usually eat) I'll have my dinner at my leisure. If he'll be back I'll wait to eat with him.

If either of us want to do something specific in an evening we'll talk ahead of time and if we're both free and up for it, then it's booked in. No hanging around chilling elsewhere! But if that's not the case we largely leave each other to be as spontaneous or not elsewhere as we want.

So while I don't think he necessarily has to give you an exact ETA every day, a rough idea is only polite, and if he decides to chill at his parents' place then it shouldn't be too hard for him to send you a text to that effect.

You do understand that the OP started a thread about her infuriation with this?

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 16:52

She said he sits round there watching TV when his parents aren’t even there. It’s not about spending time with his parents, it’s about him seeing that as his home, rather than his actual home.

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Finishing work and chilling out in a place you know is not that deep.

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 16:53

You do understand that the OP started a thread about her infuriation with this?

Show quote history

She seems mildly annoyed rather than INFURIATED, and also seems to be mildly annoyed at the number of posters whose default state is INFURIATION.

NoisyLittleOtter · 17/09/2025 16:57

gannett · 17/09/2025 16:55

Finishing work and chilling out in a place you know is not that deep.

Show quote history

I was responding to your comment about him just wanting to spend time with his parents. His parents often aren’t there.

Jujujudo · 17/09/2025 16:58

If he’s moved in with you then he lives with you not his parents. You have every right to expect that he comes home and eats with you after work and that he treats you as a partner and not a side gig. It’s not being demanding telling your partner what you expect, it’s laying down boundaries.

Jollyhockeystickss · 17/09/2025 17:00

Agree with everyone else as ive been there and done it, i would end it but if you dont want to them he moves out doesnt have a key and he doesnt come to yours he takes you and and he doesnt stay the night at yours and i would say if he wants naughties he can book a hotel and take you away, my point being he sees home at his parents place and your place for food and s*x , i would say if hes keen let him prove it but hes already doing that by ignoring you and just turning up at yours to sleep, he hasnt moved into yours at all...

Stampees · 17/09/2025 17:01

Unfortunately for you, he’s making it very clear what his priorities are. Believe him.

Even if he’s lovely some of the time, he’s choosing not to come to you when he can. Please read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” You’ll save yourself from heartache and extra tension if you do.

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 17:02

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 13:32

Sorry, I wouldn’t be tolerating this - he’s a grown adult, he doesn’t need to be at mummy and daddy’s house every night for his tea.

But by the same token as a grown adult he can decide how he wants to spend his time. Just as OP as a grown adult can suggest he moves out again if he doesn't prioritise time with her after work.

columnatedruinsdomino · 17/09/2025 17:03

I don't think I would include him in any dinner plans during the week.

IOSTT · 17/09/2025 17:12

@Waitykatey the evenings he doesn’t let you know his plans, just do your own thing, make dinner only for yourself etc.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 17/09/2025 17:12

Velvian · 17/09/2025 14:05

I think he needs to move back to his parents. I also think you should end tge relationship as he is not an independent adult.

100% this….

Clychaugog · 17/09/2025 17:13

I think you should just assume that he's not coming home every night until 9 - 9.30.

I think you should also just assume that he doesn't want dinner with you unless he specifically says to you he'll be home to eat with you. Don't be chasing him around to find out his plans. Just cook yourself something nice!

Don't be putting your life on hold for him and just get on with your own stuff.

caringcarer · 17/09/2025 17:16

He sounds like a Mummy's boy. I would find this very irritating but would probably just go out with friends not letting him know when I'd be in or out. See how he likes it.

RedSkyatNight25 · 17/09/2025 17:17

OP have you made the thread in a moment of frustration and then realised on reflection that you blew it out of proportion a bit?

susiedaisy1912 · 17/09/2025 17:18

outerspacepotato · 17/09/2025 14:09

So he comes to your place for sex and sleep but otherwise is at his parents'.

considered his parents house “home”

Send him back to his real home. He hasn't cut the cord.

This.

Thisismetooaswell · 17/09/2025 17:20

How recently is 'recently'. He hasn't lived with someone before - give him some time to get used to the 'normal' way of doing things and let him know what you expect. He isn't used to having anyone to go home to. If he doesn't change, then I would end it, but not immediately

DysmalRadius · 17/09/2025 17:22

Did he do this in previous relationships? When he had kids at home?

naturewalker · 17/09/2025 17:22

How long have you been in a relationship together? How long have you two been living together?

You say he is a good partner, but the fact that you are so bothered by his behavior is something to take note of. When you tell him how you feel, what does he do? Can you accept that this is just how it will be?

If he hasn't done anything to try and change, you really have to consult yourself, have an honest conversation, and decide if you'll choose to live like this. If you want more, then you deserve more.

momtoboys · 17/09/2025 17:24

He's not your partner, he's your housemate. As long as you are clear on that and are OK on your own, the situation will be fine.

Fingernailbiter · 17/09/2025 17:25

That’s not how "partners" behave. I’d tell him he needs to make up his mind - either he wants to be your partner or he doesn’t. At the moment he’s acting as if he doesn’t.

Coatsoff42 · 17/09/2025 17:28

RedSkyatNight25 · 17/09/2025 17:17

OP have you made the thread in a moment of frustration and then realised on reflection that you blew it out of proportion a bit?

Yes, this.
Maybe really think through exactly why you are pissed off when he does this. If he usually lovely etc, and you generally like him, then there must be something about this that your gut is telling you is wrong.
Work out exactly why you are annoyed ie, you feel like an afterthought, or he’s not really into the relationship, or you don’t like being left dangling waiting for him to turn up because otherwise you would have made plans.
Then work out exactly what you would like to happen instead, come straight home, or just let you know, or whatever.
Then tell him and see what he does about it.

Dinosweetpea · 17/09/2025 17:29

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:38

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

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Well then he's actively avoiding you then if they aren't even there! You're supposed to go home and chill on your own sofa!

SunriseOver · 17/09/2025 17:34

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:38

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

Show quote history

That's just plain weird as he has a home of his own and you there - unless he needs time alone but then really why did he move in with you?
Waiting about is deeply irritating - time to yourself and having separate plans is great, but not communicating with you and leaving you hanging is so disrespectful and thoughtless.

A proper thorough conversation is absolutely necessary - either he commits to communicate clearly with you about his plans or he moves out.

DontLockHorns · 17/09/2025 17:36

I would be interested in his relationship history.

What happened with the mother of his grown up DCs and has he lived with anyone else since.

You saw it’s just ‘inconsiderate’ and not ‘intentional’ - it’s not possible to be both.

When he is in considerate to you he is making a choice to prioritise himself and his own needs above the relationship in his actions - he isn’t even communicating with you. He’s ignoring your normal requests.

There is not one person on this thread who thinks his behaviour is reasonable, respectful or appropriate.

And that comes down to communication - you might be both happy that he stays and eats at his parents 7 nights a week until 9pm - the details are irrelevant - the only thing that matters is if you have agreed it suits you both.