To want to know when he’s coming home?

[Waitykatey]

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

And you’re okay with that?

Probably twice a week. It used to be a lot more when we first lived together but we have more of a routine now.

I was very irritated when I wrote the post so perhaps misconstrued.

Friday - Sunday we’re always together, and we have separate activity that we do a couple of week nights.

He’s just super laid back. The other way round he wouldn’t bat an eyelid!

Each to their own I guess 🤷‍♀️

He pays rent, does more housework than me and is a completely equal partner. It’s just these couple of nights a week when he falls back into the same routine he had before he moved in with me.

"I have no doubts whatsoever about his feelings for me or his commitment. "

But you do, don't you - otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. To be honest I think you have every right to be properly pissed off about the situation. It's all a bit ridiculous really. He's basically getting the best of both worlds. He's got all the home comforts of mummy and daddy with the "old" world and then there's "new" world that also offers him sex! I'd have a very serious word about all of this before you start planning a family.

Bizarre

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

and yet when we agree that it’s rude (and also bloody weird), the OP starts back pedalling about how actually it’s only the “odd night” (2x a week isn’t odd) and that actually he is a prince

Ok so…. You’ve gone from feeling decidedly pissed off to…. Hey, chill out guys, he’s a gem.

Well yes Op, I think that’s a bit of a concern in itself

are you both quite young?

You said he’d be fine if it was he other way around, but have you tested that theory?

Has he ever come home by, say, 6:30pm and contacted you to find out where you are and you said “I’m just out chilling, I’ll be back in an hour” and then not come back?

How many evenings does he have alone in your home?

I suspect his evenings are spent either at his parents, home with you, or out doing a planned activity/hobby/seeing friends etc. Therefore he’s never the one sat at home, expecting you to walk through the door any minute and you just don’t.

He sounds a bit of a mummy's boy. Wouldn't suit me.

I was very irritated when I wrote the post so perhaps misconstrued.

you started a thread barely an hour ago!

Not remotely. We both have grown up children.

Yeah this would drive me nuts. It sounds like he sees that as his home more than where he lives with you.

You’re kidding?

bloody hell op. He goes round to his aging mummy and daddy twice a week for dinner and then just to sit in their home (and breathe in their scent) sometimes when they’re not there??

How old are the kids involved? No one living at home?
no words

Good Lord, that’s even more depressing.

So he’s what, in his fifties and still goes round mummy and daddy’s to watch TV and have his tea cooked for him? Is he not absolutely mortified to be taking advantage like he is?

This story is getting even stranger, I assumed you were both in your 20s or early 30s. Grown up kids means you’re probably 45+ ?

So a man in his 40s/50s just skulking around his parents house after a days work with his Dad, when he’s got a partner waiting for him at home.

Well at his age and having already raised a child and presumably had at least one long term relationship, this is probably just who he is. I guess you either accept it or move on. It all seems very odd to me though.

The other way round he’d be delighted for some quiet time and delighted I’d had a nice evening. He’s utterly relaxed and happy-go-lucky, but forgets not everyone else is! I like a bit of structure.

It’s just the two of you with grown up adult kids

how hectic are your lives that carving out such regular “quite time” is so important?

I do think this part is true. It’s the house he grew up in. This is why I think it’s natural for him to be there without giving it much thought.

So does it bother you or not bother you?

You've told him you want him to let you know if he's going to be late back, and he got annoyed with you? That would not be acceptable to me!

He doesn’t sound “happy go lucky” - he sounds like he’s taking advantage of his mum and dad and hasn’t grown up in the slightest.

But you’re not him.

You’ve told him it bothers you and he keeps doing it.

If he cares about you he will either stop doing this ideally or at least update you if he does decide to spend his evening with his parents.

It’s not about being relaxed and happy go lucky. He’s being inconsiderate. And I expect you know that hence you started this thread.

Your partner is either living with you or he isn't. He can't sleep at your home, but spend the rest of his evening once he's finished work with his parents! I understand to a degree when he was single. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, at all. I think your partner needs to decide where he's living. Why is he eating at his parents? He should be coming home and having a meal and evening time, with you. If your partner left work at 5.30 pm, would he be home before you or after? Is he staying at his parents to avoid having to do any domestic chores like cooking, tidying the kitchen, washing up/loading the dishwasher?!!!! If he spent large proportions of his time whilst single, with his parents, my guess is, he's not used to cooking for himself or domestic chores!!! Likelihood is, his Mum did all this for him!