Hubby wants to do a 6 week holiday alone

[Piratecatcher]

Hi My hubby age 69 wants to go hiking solo for 6 weeks ..doing the Camino.. I am very upset about it as I feel its too long to be apart and also hurt that he is ok with that.. We have a good relationship usually and adult children. I have happily accepted him doing solo two week hikes in the past but 6 weeks feels too long and I am not a long distance hiker so I can’t join him. We are arguing about it.. Am I being selfish? He thinks I am.

Correct. It is also a once in a lifetime challenge for most and the OP is being horribly selfish and extremely short sighted if she tries to prevent him from taking this truly rewarding challenge that so many people say has changed their life for the better.

I'd be fine with it. The Camino is amazing. Let him live his life. I thought you were going to say he's leaving you with 4 kids under 5 for a 6 week jolly.

I think you're being unreasonable, it sounds like it's something important to him and if he doesn't do it now who knows if he'll get another chance. Is there anything nice you could plan to do when he's away to make the time pass more quickly? Anywhere you've always wanted to visit yourself maybe with a friend or family?

If your argument was that he was spending too much money and there was no money left for a family holiday, or no annual leave, or you want to do something else together and you can’t specifically because of this trip, I’d say you were being reasonable. However it doesn’t sound like any of these are factors here. Just six weeks is too long to be apart. Tbh sounds a bit silly. Of course you’ll probably miss him, but it’s not really that long. Plan some fun activities with your friends and family and let him have this epic experience

How is it batshit?

Why are some people so co-dependent on their partners.

They are individuals with individual interests and free to do what they want.

Relationships aren’t meant to be so restrictive.
Not being able to go 6 weeks without seeing your partner is a very unhealthy relationship.
You should be with someone because you want to be, not because you don’t know how to be alone and need to be so dependent on someone.

OP hadn’t mentioned finances and so I assume that isn’t an issue and as OP is also a grown up, she too is free to do a 6 week trip if she wants to and there’s no need to try and do tit for tat.

I’m shocked at the idea that we own people. Of course he should go if he wants to. It is up to him to decide. Whether it makes him uncomfortable that you feel abandoned is I’m sure something he is bearing. It’s like having dogs on leads women in burkas, using power to control another for your own insecurity. I’ve never understood it. There are responsibilities of being in a couple but surely rights, freedoms and respect too.

There are posters telling OP to move house or kick him out while he is away. They don’t appear to be joking. I will never, ever understand some people’s mindsets 🤯.

My MIL is a bit like this. Whenever my OH or I spend more than a night apart to do something that the other's not bothered with she'll bang on about how 'Me and Geoff haven't had more than a night apart in 40 years' like that's some sort of measure of a fulfilling relationship. Really it means that he's lead a pretty limited life as my overbearing MIL's insistence that they do everything together has meant he's had friends drift away and he's never been able to get properly into his hobbies.

Of course there is a large middle ground between 'never spend a night apart' and a six week absence, but the OP (and others) still haven't said what's actually wrong with the latter other than 'It's too long'. Why though? Sure it's unusual but why's it too long? 'It just is'. But what's the actual problem? 'Marriage is a partnership'. Right, so marriage in retirement means only doing lowest common denominator activities, shelving your dreams, popping your slippers on in front of the TV, occasionally treating yourself to a trip to the garden centre or if you're lucky a cruise with other sedentary old farts. A life well lived.

You believe that if it gives you comfort.

@Piratecatcher

Please don’t guilt him into not going.

Yes very much this. It’s hardly like he is jaunting off to Thailand to sample the local pleasures.

DH did Kilimanjaro a couple of years ago with a friend and was away for 2 weeks ( they did some other mountain - Miro(?) - to acclimatise). The timing was inconvenient as DS still young and we have rookiedog who was entirely DHs idea and required a lot of walking and attention, tricky when I was working. But hiking is something that gives DH pleasure and he wanted to do it for his 50th, so I gritted my teeth and waved him off with a smile. Did annoy me a bit when people said I should be proud of him for his efforts when I felt it was probably harder to juggle everything for a fortnight, but hey ho.

Maybe it’s because we have been married for so long, but I would be delighted if DH now announced he wanted to do a 6 week hiking trek .
I ski every year without him - he tried it a few times but it’s not for him - and go on ladies trips so it’s not one sided. We would probably do more holidays together if we didn’t have rookiedog, but again that was 100% his choice at the time.

This is just super weird! “Nobody would be happy with a partner buggering off for 6 weeks. Oh, but it would be fine if the other partner could bugger off for 6 weeks too.” It seems as if it’s a confused mix of jealousy and neediness. Different, of course, if there are children or other responsibilities, or it will take all the available family money, but there doesn’t seem to be any suggestion of that.

@Laurmolonlabe

well, it could happen! It’s a big interesting world out there and no one likes to feel controlled and restricted by their partner. If Op doesn’t get her head in gear around this then she could find herself alone for a lot longer than just six weeks…

@T1Dmama

It sounds like he would be fine with her going away to pursue her interests. It’s OP that wouldn’t want to…

If you were willing to go and he wanted to do it alone then I could see your point more. But as it’s something you won’t do with him, you are essentially saying that he can never do it . If he doesn’t go he will probably understandably resent you, so for the sake of his happiness and your relationship, wave him off with a smile.

Well to be fair, if the OP does not understand the need for challenge, to meet a long held goal or a lifelong dream, such as walking the Camino is, and the fire that doubtless burns in her DH’s soul to do this, they are probably not suited as a couple.

And maybe if she does not support him he will do it anyway, and keep on walking. But that doesn’t seem to be what he wants.

Isn’t there a saying - if you love someone,set them free??
I’d want to know about safety (too many news stories about missing solo hikers) - but 6 weeks is not very long in reality. Maybe you could go at the beginning and have a day or two together before he sets off? Maybe meet again at the end - although I’ve no idea how feasible that is as he may not know to the day when he will finish.
If he’s retired anyway then it doesn’t mean he’s using up a holiday allowance so there’s no limit on going away with you at another time.

I wouldn't have an issue with this. It's something he wants to do and 6 weeks isn't a lifetime.

He's blessed with good enough health that he can do this at 69 years of age. Don't stand in his way on this.

Yep-she can muscle in. Or she can just let him go. I know what I’d do. And safety? It’s the Camino, he’s not climbing Everest solo!

My husband ran the Camino over 3 weeks (he had a sabbatical from work) 7 years later on a second sabbatical he walked the Via Frantigena. For the fourth week of this I was able to join him in Rome. He had the most amazing experiences on each and we had lots of FaceTime calls and photos. I would not have enjoyed 20km daily walks and dorm sleeping! Consider meeting up with him at certain points for a couple of nights so you can share something of the experience.

If I was doing this there is NO WAYi would want my dp muscling in to “share something of the experience”…..

I’ve seen a lot of people say that while they may have done it in a group/couple they often walked alone and only met at the end of the day

YABU, OP. Six weeks isn't long at all - if he'd said six months, you might have a point. Assuming you're both in your 60s, you're old enough to have developed the personal resources to spend time alone. The Camino is a lovely thing for him to do, and it needs to happen while he is still fit enough. Please give him your support - and maybe plan a fun trip of your own while he's away.

I think this is possibly a question that would be better answered on Gransnet or somewhere where the demographic is made up of people who are at a similar life stage. Of course if you are in the trenches with three under eights and struggling with bedtime every night you might find it hard to comprehend your partner going away for six weeks. Likewise if you've just married, being apart for six weeks might seem unthinkable. But asking people who've got into their sixties about seizing every opportunity that life gives you while you are still physically able might give a more balanced answer.

I think the vast majority of answers have been about seizing every opportunity, this thread has had almost unanimous support for the DH to do the walk.