My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Actually , I’m going to backtrack on the comment about their daughter because you are right about that one. I know someone who cheated on their partner and would take their baby to meet up with them.

But , I do think if it was planned - then it was planned in secret . He lied to his wife about where he was going and knew what he was doing was wrong , hence not saying anything. But to then tell her ? That part makes no sense when he had no need to as he already had an ‘alibi’ and the daughter is too young to say anything . I also don’t know why he would then suggest meeting up with her and her partner - if the intention was sinister then surely he would continue meeting up in secret

A smokescreen? Have you ever tried to have a romantic experience with a toddler? 😂

Oh good grief, so now he's scheming using his toddler ..well known seduction technique that. OP you sound like you have a brilliant guy who has done exactly what most people are saying he should do to prioritise your marriage. Some people on here are honestly bonkers. There's been dozens of posters giving examples of random and unlikely meet ups but still some insisting it couldn't possibly happen.

You are right to ask him to cut contact. Their communication back and forth will be reinforcing all the reasons they were so good together. Most men only invest their time and effort into something or someone worthwhile. He is not doing it for the benefit of humanity. At the very least he stills finds her ‘enjoyable’ and interesting.

It’s good that you trust him, but not at all costs. It’s healthy to keep an open mind and look out for yourself. I haven’t been cheated on, but we have agreements around expected conduct and friendships. Ex lovers are not welcome. Especially ones that have so much in common.

I hope he unfollows her, stops this whatever it is - in its tracks and prioritises his relationship with you.

I know personally of several affairs that started out with play dates and with dc! It was not uncommon. Some women find good fathers, particularly handsome ones very attractive.

It sounds complete BS that they ran in to each other. He wants to tell you a half truth to feel better about the full dishonesty and to have your daughter with him? I would not be happy.

The more I read some comments the more I think I’m actually being a little toxic.

Why can’t he (or anyone else for the matter) find their ex enjoyable? She’s still a person who he has common interests with? Does it matter if they were once good together when they clearly broke up for a reason?

Gosh it’s funny how hearing your own views back can make you realise you don’t actually agree with yourself as I’m now thinking I sound a bit toxic and controlling!

What? Toxic? Did he say that?

What could possibly go wrong with his cultured, passionate well matched ex offering her ‘enjoyable’ friendship? That he just by chance happened to ‘bump’ into her in a city of 14 million, and they both happened to have the time for a leisurely coffee… and you are the toxic one?

I have been cheated on and am very suspicious of men. I have also bumped into people across the other side of the world very randomly on more than one occasion.
From what you’ve said & seen, I wouldn’t be concerned anything dodgy was going on.
There must be decent guys out there and hopefully yours is one of them.

There's definitely a very prominent swathe of Mumsnetters who really, really hate men and will consider them in the wrong no matter what they do. I have no doubt that if you posted that you'd bumped into an ex and exchanged a few texts and your husband had banned you from seeing him again, you'd get the same posters telling you to LTB, he's controlling and ridiculous.

I'm glad it's had the opposite effect on you.

FWIW, I'm still friendly with some of my exes- one of them came to stay for a long weekend and got on great with my husband and my daughter. We split up years ago for very good reason but it doesn't mean we have to hate each other and never speak.

Your husband didn't want to do long distance and she still lives in a foreign country so even if he was intending to leave you (which nothing suggests he would, you sound happy together) the problem would still be there and they wouldn't be a couple.

Ha!

No, you just had a moment when you found out about it. I'm glad it led to an open conversation that resolved things.
I don't think you need to backtrack now, though I don't think it hurts to mention to him that you're recognising your possible overreaction.

I think it can be a good sign if men still get on with their exes. It means he treated her well and was able to let her go without acrimony. When you’ve spent some happy years with someone it’s a healthy sign that you want to sit down for a coffee and catch up, and even introduce that person to your children and new partner if feelings allow. He was up front about meeting up with her, giving the benefit of the doubt about the coincidence at the station. I think you’ve probably got a good ‘un there OP. A bit of trust is warranted in this situation.

OP - why not stick to your earlier comment where you said you were going to step away from the thread?

Thats my advice to you - there are some truly mental women on here and quite a lot of them have made a beeline for this thread. Ignore them now, don’t get roped into replying to the mentalists. You’ve made a decision based on the facts you see before you and knowing your husband as well as you do. It honestly doesn’t matter one jot what some random woman in Stockport thinks

At least once a week someone posts about such hobby partners and how much it has interfered in their marriage. All of these stories have a similar ring to yours, OP. I certainly don’t think all these posters are imagining the worst, have little self-esteem or are being toxic and controlling.

What is worse with these stories is, these men are in committed relationships usually with children, and they make time to regularly contact and meet up with these women who have nothing to do with their family life, under the guise of a hobby.

Id absolutely not be happy either. Now he is married and has his family and it's all a bit hard work and mundane, he's remembering the 🔥 with his ex and happy to convince u and himself probably it's all healthy.
Maybe you (or get a good guy friend of his) to tell him to give his head a wobble and wake up and see that's he's walking down a path of temptation.
He may not even see it himself...but blatantly obvious to everyone else who isn't emotionally involved.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. He sounds like a nice, level headed bloke. Probably just your own insecurity thinking she might be the one that got away. (I get this too)! I’d trust him! He married you, he had a child with you. He told you the truth, he’s offered his phone, he’s offered to not speak to her. I think it was probably harmless.

OP, FWIW, I’m glad you seem to have decided you can trust your DH on this. From everything you’ve said about him, it seems to me that he’s a good ‘un. As are you: I don’t think you sound toxic or controlling; insecure, perhaps — but then so are lots of us! It sounds very healthy that the two of you have been able to talk about this together; he’s been able to reassure you, and you’ve been able to step back from your initial worries to take a more balanced view.

We both already make time for our hobbies outside of each other all the time. We didn’t get married and magically become one person? I go to netball and spin class often and meet up with friends (male and female) for drinks. He plays tennis, goes running and meets up with his friends (both male and female) for drinks. We also both regularly message our other friends, he has chats with his friends about all sorts I’m not interested in, I do the same with mine. I’m starting to think I should have probably been more chill about this as in reality he already has female friends, he doesn’t sleep with them, why would an ex who he was with years ago and lives abroad be any more of a threat.
Actually of his close friends he’s a 50/50 split male and female.
It was actually something we discussed in depth when we got married and had DD that we didn’t want to lose our individuality and freedom to the relationship or family life.

Then why post? Why did you panic? What made you worry and check his phone.

Op, i actually agree with you and I’ve read many threads on here where posters stick the boot in and try to basically end your marriage, telling you he’s a lying cheat.

the truth is, if you don’t trust him and think he’s lying to meet up with an ex, and wishes to cheat, they don’t need to do that, as your marriage is already on the green mile, it’s a dead man walking, as either you’re right, and it’s over, or you’re not, and he will resent you and ultimately it’s over. There is no positive there for you. And saying it’s your own insecurity that’s the issue, doesn’t fix it, as you still made it his problem.

so id think, do you really beleive your husband is a liar and a potential cheat, or is it your issues you’re making his. Only you know, but recognise the damage both do.

With respect, I think your low self esteem is running the show here. You are reading too much into this, and this kind of behaviour can actually drive people away.

Couldn’t agree more. Some people just want to try and push people into believing what they’ve decided is happening and push people into believing things. Your DH’s reaction sounds perfectly reasonable and I personally don’t see the issue with being friends with an ex that you enjoy similar interests. But clearly this woman makes you feel uncomfortable and he has agreed to not meet up. Is that controlling? Maybe a little in my opinion, but better to he honest than a big bust up after the event. Fact she wanted to meet you too for me means nothing funny was going on.

I think it’s natural when you’re first faced with a situation you haven’t before and you feel a little insecure in yourself to wonder the worst. There was no rational foundation for my worry other than, I’ve always felt a little envious of his ex, she’s a bit younger than us, absolutely stunning in some ways I think on paper she and DH would look like a better match. Often at least for me in the moment my mind jumps to worst case scenarios and I have to back
pedal into logical and rational thoughts. Sometimes hearing my own irrational thought back at me actually is what makes me realise that if anyone else was saying this I’d think they sounded controlling, co-dependent and untrusting which aren’t traits I wish to embody in my relationship.

Even if I have gone on to disagree with many of the replies they have still been really useful in helping me gain perspective and evaluate the situation.

@Erras I bumped into a significant ex on Oxford Street once. Neither of us lived in London at the time, it was totally random. We went for one drink and a catch up. I havent seen him since. This is just to reassure that unlikely things do happen!