My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

I think your intuition is on point.

I wouldn't be happy about the coffee incident either but I probably would have let slide as there really isn't anything you can do without coming across as controlling...

However, there are millions of people he could find to share in the interests that you don't share as a couple, the fact that he's wanting to share those things specifically with her...

Something is not right :(

Very interesting OP. I ran into my former high school boyfriend (who I was completely and utterly obsessed with aged 17ish) at a station in London too! He was there with his wife and baby tho… and I had just begun a relationship with my now husband.

We exchanged numbers and met for coffee with his baby the next day. It was lovely to see him, but I was very pleased I had met the next love of my life so I didn’t feel crap about him being further on in life than me.

We messaged on and off for the next decade, I’d sometimes randomly remember his birthday, I’d send him pics & news about of our school friends when I met up with them (he dropped off the face of the earth when we left school, never on socials), sent him updates like marriage, pregnancies etc. then he got into a similar hobby to me and I advised him on some events. Then we met up at one, a decade on!

My husband declined to come but I met his lovely wife and kids and he mine. It was really nice to see him again as he is a lovely person, and I’m also glad we did because it just totally confirmed to me that I didn’t fancy him at all and wondered why I was so obsessed with him at school lol! And I was very pleased he had chosen such an intelligent, sporty and feminist wife too.

I do think it was very cool of his wife to let us meet up, and to come along too, and my husband didn’t seem to mind either. Maybe she didn’t actually know we went out together, she defo wouldn’t have known he was like the love of my life at that time (he probs didn’t either ha ha!)

But if u personally think something is not right with your hubby and his ex, defo talk to him about it. I always made sure that any message I wrote i’d be happy for my husband to also read it so he wouldn’t feel that anything was amiss. And I’d tell him stuff out loud too so nothing was a secret.

I'm struggling to see anything at all wrong with this interaction. Some people seem very suspicious by nature.

What 3 year old would last an hour in a coffee shop - none that I know: totally off to do this to a smallie

I never called you cool wives! And I’m not in a group 🤮

Okay. Those of your opinion.
Since you made a generalisation about those of us who think OP made the right decision, I made one about those who disagree.

we aren’t calling those that do believe him naive etc.

No but many of you are calling us "cool wives"

Not me though.

In 35 years of living in London and using the tube most days, I have TWICE bumped into someone I knew. You don’t live in London and the ex doesn’t even live in the UK, yet they ‘bumped into’ each other at an incredibly busy station? And neither of them was on the way to catch a train, so had an hour to kill? Yep, didn’t happen and he’s taking you for a fool. Clearly pre-planned.

It’s his emails you need to check as that’s how they made the arrangement. He thinks he’s being clever letting you look at his texts, which look so innocent because they have concocted a narrative. Clear as day he’s lying through his teeth.

It is unlikely but can happen. I randomly sat down opposite an old Uni friend in a busy, international airport in a different hemisphere of the planet. She was waiting for the flight at the adjacent gate to mine. We had not communicated for over ten years. It was a bit of a shock that we recognised each other.

It is ok to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable doesn’t mean he is actively thinking of leaving you for the ex, or cheating on you with her. Uncomfortable means this is something that may be evolving that you need to monitor. You’ve done great to tell your DH your completely valid misgivings and he has tried to reassure you. It’s impossible for anyone on MN to know if these are early signs of an affair or an innocent friendship.

I think it would be a good idea to discuss limits with him. Like it’s ok to be friends, but no emotional affair over text/messaging/SM. And as she lives outside the UK, the idea of meeting up just for dinner on a double date is just not practical or a wise use of money. That he would be better served by local friends for these hobbies that you two don’t share versus his ex who lives in a foreign country. That if they plan a future meet up next time she is in London for work, that you insist on going with to meet her too.

You may feel threatened by her, but don’t act like you are. Be like, it’s cool you can be friends with an ex, but a regular friend who lives abroad isn’t someone you’d buy plane tickets to go eat dinner with unless you own a private jet and have billions in the bank….a regular friend isn’t someone you would send a dozen messages a day to. A friend isn’t someone you would plan a meet up with without informing and inviting along your partner…

That's so improbable it would really freak me out.

Wouldn't jump to conclusions either twice in my life in 2 very different countries unbelievably met an ex in one country and a distant cousin in another country I had never seen for years. Went for a coffee with both had a quick chat then we all went on our ways so it does happen. It didn't bother my hubby either as we are married and loved and trust each other no matter what anyway. Besides who goes with there kid for coffee if it was anything more than a catch-up lol. Think you need to step back from the negative thoughts, he married you had kids with you told you what happened learn to trust it

Before (according to MN) saying someone looks well means they're fat, now it means they're looking lovely? He's done nothing wrong OP, please don't be persuaded into paranoia by some posters here

You are not inadequate intellectually, but you can’t/don’t share their interests, and so you will inevitably be the odd one out as a trio going out for wine. The third wheel - which would make most wives uncomfortable. You were an after thought in that message or she would have said I would love to meet your wife shall we meet for wine before I leave on Sunday. She added you, so it wouldn’t make things difficult for him. Not because she cares one jot about meeting you.

I would be very upset if my dh was receiving messages and invitations to drink wine and indulge in their joint interest with his ex lover. If you can’t see the potential risk snd danger of that we can’t help you.

No doubt she is coming across as exciting, well travelled and cultured, the opposite of your husband’s life now with a toddler.

68% of people agreed with you on the poll, that they too would feel uncomfortable. The fact you have asked him to cut contact speaks volumes. He has been in touch with her directly for a good long while, this ‘spontaneous’ meeting was a long time coming, and the friends meet up in London was used to facilities their get together. He has lied to you, because together with the messaging and the invitation to drink wine etc suggests they are far closer than he is saying. Watch your back, your instincts were right the first time.

I'm with you OP.

I once bumped into my ex (who lived in Leeds) in Covent Garden! I didn't stop and talk because he cheated.

It does happen.

If it happened again today (with my other ex, the nice one) and I had one of my children with me, I wouldn't think twice of having a coffee with him. That relationship lasted almost 4 years and we haven't seen each other for 15 years since we broke up (wtf how old am I!!!! Arrrgh!). There are no romantic feelings whatsoever and it would be nice to catch up.

An ex cannot compare to a husband/wife with which you have children with and are absolutely no threat.

I'd trust your DH and think nothing of it.

I disagree.

OP is married to DH. How could she possibly be the odd one out?

If anyone was third wheeling - it certainly wouldn't be the married couple!

It’s wine, not sushi off her belly button!

Again there have been dozens of examples of it happening. It can happen. And if your trains are every half and hour and you don't have a specific seat booked, you have wriggle room. It's really not that weird.

As for the shared interests, the op has been very clear that she and her H have other things they share. My DP is a big mountain biker...he knows he can talk about it for ten minutes and then stop and not try and explain anything mechanical to me. We're a brilliant match. Are women who like football just being "cool" because lots don't? Ridiculous assumptions being made and I really hope the op does stop coming back because right now she's sounding very level headed and she's the only one of us who knows her H....this dead set certainty from total strangers that he's lying is bizarre.

@Erras

There are a lot of messages and posts on here, which I don’t have time to read I’m afraid, I read some.

I hope this has been mentioned already, I hope so… I wanted to add my weight to it.

Please work on your low self esteem before you eventually push him away. It seemed, and he seems, genuine. It will not only manifest in relation to his ex, and will improve your quality of life too!

You are being unreasonable I think. I understand your feelings but he’s allowed communication with members of the opposite sex…including exes. What are you going to do ….ban him?

I don’t know about any of the rest of it but your disbelief that they could run into each other seems unfounded. I’ve ran into loads of people in totally random places, eg walking down a street in NYC or in a random very small town in wales that no tourist has ever gone to etc. surely you’ve had coincidences like that in your time?

Don’t think you are being toxic and controlling OP you’re only protecting your marriage and family, you have every right.

What’s happened has happened, it seems like it was a chance encounter however he carried on with the social media messaging and says he wants to be friends with her. It could be innocent however no one knows what is going on in someone else’s head. He could still fancy her and then those feelings could grow if they’re in touch with each other, even just on social media. Do you want to take that risk with your marriage and family?

If you went ahead and contacted an ex and spent time with them and was messaging them on social media and your husband is okay with that I would say he’s already checked out of the marriage and has given you the green light so he can have the green light to pursue his ex.

At least her mentioning she would be happy to meet up with you is maybe her reminding your husband that he is married and subtly letting him know nothing further is going to happen, I hope so.

But you have every right to set your boundaries over this and don’t feel guilty about it one bit. All the best.

If you trust him completely why ask him to say he won’t meet up with her or message her again?

Trust is a continual action of back and forth over time. You don’t simply give one trust one day and it be installed for life, no matter what. Him agreeing to forego a friendship with his ex is an action that builds and sustains trust. If he chose to brush OP’s feelings aside or lie, then that’s an action that depletes trust. People are only trustworthy until they aren’t.

And controlling.

My ExDH married the OW. I still trust other adults to make good, respectful decisions.

I can't see anything wrong in two adults meeting for coffee, prearranged or not.