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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH “ran into” his ex

406 replies

Erras · 16/09/2025 19:36

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

OP posts:
LynneCH · 17/09/2025 18:33

While i dont think ubu, i think they may have planned to meet up for the coffee, ur daughter being there is ur man imo sayin

zaxxon · 17/09/2025 18:36

Those messages all sound fine to me. I wouldn't worry.

MN is very weird when it comes to exes – I'm going out to a gig with one of mine next week, and I'm sure we'll manage not to shag each other!

croydon15 · 17/09/2025 18:39

Erras · 16/09/2025 19:51

I guess I’ve just never ran into someone in central London but then most of my friends are more local so that may be why I’m so doubtful of this.

As for the trust, I generally trust him, he has female friends he’s known forever and I have no issues with them, it just feels off to me with his ex but I can’t really explain why.

Show quote history

You said that his ex lives abroad so she's hardly a threat to you, l think you sound controlling and unreasonable.

Twiglets1 · 17/09/2025 18:40

Erras · 16/09/2025 19:41

Yes, I feel deeply that way too. I just find it unlikely he’d happen to run into her in St Pancras station and have an hour to spare for coffee when she doesn’t even live in the uk anymore and he seldom goes into London. He claims it was totally incidental though.

Show quote history

It seems very, very unlikely - sorry.

DaisyDoodler · 17/09/2025 18:40

Erras · 17/09/2025 18:18

I did ask if it upset him that I wasn’t comfortable with them being friends.
He said not upset, and that if I was okay with it he’d enjoy being her friend as they have lots in common but that it’s not something he wants enough to get upset about not having it.

Show quote history

I think he sounds very considerate to be honest - he has said what he wants to do but also said he won’t do it if you’re uncomfortable with it. I am also friends with a couple of my exes to varying degrees but would stop if it made my partner uncomfortable and he asked me to but it would not be my choice or what I wanted. I valued them as people and just because my relationship with them didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that I have to throw the baby out with the bath water. Some people are better as friends but not matched for a relationship. I have had the conversation with my partner and he doesn’t love the fact that I am friends with my exes but can accept it. I agree with what your husband has said that if you would sleep with an ex then there are bigger issues in your relationship. If you value your current relationship you wouldn’t betray it no matter with whom it was. The key issue is trust.

I completely understand why you feel as you do, it’s a gut reaction as it was unexpected and you were wobbled, but I think your head is already reassuring you as you are logically thinking things through.

PeopleWatching17 · 17/09/2025 18:44

nomas · 16/09/2025 19:38

Based on their messaging and his desire to see her again, I’d say it was a planned meet up. Sorry, OP.

I ran into my Mum’s neighbour, from Twickenham, in Toronto.
My friend walked into her ex husband’s parents in Majorca. It happens.

berightorbehappy · 17/09/2025 18:44

Defiantly a planned meet up and he defiantly still holds a torch to keep in contact . Red flags all over the place . Sadly, sounds like a common married family man’s effort to feel young again . Say “actually I was thinking of Dave ( any ex’s name ) recently and how much l enjoyed having a laugh with him. You’re right - we are grown ups and there’s no reason to be jealous - thanks for being upfront so that we know we are stable enough to have outside friends ! “

LynneCH · 17/09/2025 18:52

But can i just also say;
me, hubby, my father n kids went to Morocco, hubby bumped in to an old mate he grew up with.
we went to Mexico, i bumped into an old Matron.
went to Turkey, we bumped into an old Nursing mentor of mine.
iv decided we should holiday on the moon in future, so things do happen 🤷🏼‍♀️

TalulaHalulah · 17/09/2025 18:54

I have only read the OP’s posts and I don’t see an issue.
I mean, I have bumped into people I know on holiday. It happens. It was a station so people wait for trains and there is time for coffee.
There is literally nothing here to be anxious about, in my opinion.
Personally, if my partner said I should not have had a coffee with someone I had not seen for six years ago when I wanted to, ex or not, I would find that controlling.

allmymonkeys · 17/09/2025 18:56

You need to nip this in the bud, I'm afraid. I doubt if anything unforgivable has happened yet, but trust me it will if you don't intervene and it'll be easier to now than later. Tell him you weren't born yesterday and do that Robert de Niro "I see you" gesture.

The worry is the romantic fiction of having run into her by accident. He didn't want to tell you they were meeting for coffee because he was afraid you wouldn't like it, she probably told him to tell you and not be silly because they weren't doing any harm, and so far there is no harm. But this is not okay and it mustn't happen again. Be clear.

RhaenysRocks · 17/09/2025 19:00

FlexiSadie · 17/09/2025 17:49

Am I the only person who's still friends with a few exes??

No, I'm very good friends with several of mine from back in uni days. As I said upthread we see each other for drinks, even food and on a few occasions whole weekends back in our uni town.

I've been cheated on, I get why some might be suspicious and overly alert for red flags but far too many have stated categorically that this guy IS cheating or soon will and the OP should prepare for it. Some sound almost like they will be disappointed if he isn't. Sad.

Gonners · 17/09/2025 19:03

I'm still in touch with a couple of exes from many years ago - MrG has met both of them once or twice and is fine with it. If we meet up for lunch or drinks, he doesn't want to join us (I do invite him). And vice versa for his exes. If he wants to run off with one of them, that's okay by me! 😆

zaxxon · 17/09/2025 19:06

allmymonkeys · 17/09/2025 18:56

You need to nip this in the bud, I'm afraid. I doubt if anything unforgivable has happened yet, but trust me it will if you don't intervene and it'll be easier to now than later. Tell him you weren't born yesterday and do that Robert de Niro "I see you" gesture.

The worry is the romantic fiction of having run into her by accident. He didn't want to tell you they were meeting for coffee because he was afraid you wouldn't like it, she probably told him to tell you and not be silly because they weren't doing any harm, and so far there is no harm. But this is not okay and it mustn't happen again. Be clear.

Good Lord. If I did any of that to my partner, he would pack his bags and leave me straight away. And you could hardly blame him.

ThatHappyBlueCritic · 17/09/2025 19:06

I would have been uncomfortable too with my DH catching up with an ex so I am glad your DH has been open and then put a stop to further visits taking your feelings into consideration.

saraclara · 17/09/2025 19:11

I'm so bemused by the posts expressing horror at any interaction between exes.
As others have said, they're exes for a reason. But presumably there was also enough of a friendship to have begin the relationship. I don't know why they're suddenly seen as toxic.

A friend of mine actually was wedding planner for her ex and his new wife, and they're all best of friends. I love stories like that. People actually being grown up.

Marieb19 · 17/09/2025 19:12

Regardless of whether their meeting was accidental or not, his dismissal of your feelings over his friendship with her, is a cause for concern. Why does he want to be friends with her? Why is he not considering your obvious discomfort over their relationship? I think it is a big red flag if he refuses to cut communication with her.

InMyShowgirlEra · 17/09/2025 19:15

It's not really a "coincidence". You meet any people in life and sometimes you unexpectedly bump into them. A coincidence would be if he'd just that morning said it would be nice to see her and then he bumped into her.

They broke up 6 years ago, had a brief catch-up, with kids present, and have since exchanged a few texts about books and TV. I see nothing to worry about in this situation.

If someone was planning to meet up with their ex for the purposes of rekindling the relationship, they wouldn't be taking a toddler or telling you about it!

saraclara · 17/09/2025 19:15

Marieb19 · 17/09/2025 19:12

Regardless of whether their meeting was accidental or not, his dismissal of your feelings over his friendship with her, is a cause for concern. Why does he want to be friends with her? Why is he not considering your obvious discomfort over their relationship? I think it is a big red flag if he refuses to cut communication with her.

You haven't bothered reading OP ' updates, have you?

RhaenysRocks · 17/09/2025 19:15

Marieb19 · 17/09/2025 19:12

Regardless of whether their meeting was accidental or not, his dismissal of your feelings over his friendship with her, is a cause for concern. Why does he want to be friends with her? Why is he not considering your obvious discomfort over their relationship? I think it is a big red flag if he refuses to cut communication with her.

He has said he will if she'd prefer he didn't. Literally that.

Calmorchaos · 17/09/2025 19:17

nomas · 16/09/2025 19:38

Based on their messaging and his desire to see her again, I’d say it was a planned meet up. Sorry, OP.

But if it was a planned meet to would he do it with his daughter in tow and then tell his wife ?

ISpyNoPlumPie · 17/09/2025 19:17

OP, I think your DH sounds caring and trustworthy.

My DH didn’t bump into an ex but she contacted him after many years and suggested a meet up. He told me straightaway, said he would go but what did I think. I said I wasn’t happy about it and he didn’t go. And that was the end. He was more than happy to prioritise my feelings and for my part, I’d never meet 1:1 with an ex. It’s loaded and I agree with a previous comment, you’re not friends you ex-lovers. It’s different. Especially if you haven’t maintained any kind of relationship since the split.

Nowherefast4 · 17/09/2025 19:18

On the other side of the coin, I see my ex and it really is nothing. I don't know why. Feelings have just died, but I still like him. Has he got mentionitis? Or is he pretending he didn't see her? As I would tell my partner if I'd seen him but wouldn't necessarily tell him about messages in the same way I don't tell him if other mates message me.

TickleMyPickle · 17/09/2025 19:21

I bumped into my ex randomly in Victoria station ( at the time we lived 350 miles apart and neither of us in London)…I was dolled up to the nines as on my way to a wedding.
I couldn’t believe my luck that I didn’t look a right state ( like I do 90%) of the time!
So it can and does happen.

Calmorchaos · 17/09/2025 19:21

Erras · 16/09/2025 19:36

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

It could well be that they bumped into each other. It seems odd that he would arrange to meet her , in secret , but then tell you about it after ( and take your daughter ) .

I don’t see the issue in stopping for a coffee and a catch up - she’s a part of his life and if they ended amicably, then he could well have happy memories. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and it doesn’t mean he wants her , it just means she was a part of his life.

However, I think it should be left at that. To then have a friendship with an ex , after all this time , and start meeting up etc is inappropriate. She is his past and you are absolutely not unreasonable to not want him building a friendship with her when their mutual connection is a past romantic relationship . For me, this would be crossing a boundary of mine - to carry on messaging and meet up. I wouldn’t have an issue with an occasional message , a chat about shared interests , but that would be it for me

Nestingbirds · 17/09/2025 19:21

Calmorchaos · 17/09/2025 19:17

But if it was a planned meet to would he do it with his daughter in tow and then tell his wife ?

Show quote history

The child is a very convenient smokescreen, given her age she can’t report back either.