My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

I don't think you've anything to worry about, OP. Maybe he felt a bit of a frisson at bumping into her again - natural when their break-up was so circumstantial - but she's obviously not interested from her message (mentioning you) and he's obviously not going to risk his relationship with you by pursuing it.

I don’t think he was saying I don’t match up with him intellectually, we talk about all sorts of things together I just have 0 interest in some of his interests. That is nothing to do with intelligence just personal preference. Actually I find it more insulting that people conflate me not being interested in say foreign films or philosophy as me being bellow him intellectually and his ex being his equal when in reality intelligence comes in all forms and we share many interests some which have connotations of intelligence some which don’t.

I also don’t think it’s weird he said she looks well, he says that to everyone he hasn’t seen in a while as do I.

Yes, well, on paper my DS’s dad and I made a great match, but in actual practice, it was a car crash (DS excepted, of course).
It sounds like you have a good relationship where you are able to communicate, so that’s the main thing, I think.

It's totally possible the bumped into each other at the station. Yes, there's hundreds of people at stations so why couldn't it have been her near the same spot as him?

I'm with u on the friendship thing. How did she get his number? He's either given her it or it's the same number he's always had.

Ask him how he feels about an ex texting u about shared passions and sharing wine.

Hi OP
I've found this thread an interesting read and I'm glad it has helped you clarify your thinking.
I am very close friends with an ex boyfriend. We were together for a couple of years and the break up was mostly circumstantial. We were part of a friendship group with my now DH - DH and I got together fairly soon after my ex and I broke up, and have been together for 25 years now. We both consider my ex one of our closest friends and our families all get on well. I have been to stay with him without DH on occasion. He is very important to me, but purely as a friend. My DH has total trust in both of us, I believe ex's wife does too and they are right to.
I'm glad you and your DH have been able to work this out in a way that works for you - it sounds like his reaction has been very much what you would have hoped for.

You need to take her down and fast!
I would have ripped his head off and no he can't be friends with his ex if it makes you uncomfortable which it clearly does (which is understandable).

Coincidental meetings frequently are just that - coincidences. I have run into people from my past in the most unlikely places e.g. making an appointment with a massage therapist who turned out to be somebody I went to school with in our hometown 500 miles away, also running into people I knew from university in Scotland in Leicester Square etc.. I can think of multiple examples, even now when I live overseas I have run into people I knew in the UK. So the "councidence" in itself is not necessarily a red flag.

He is crossing a line.
He married you you have a child .. he doesn't get to go off all of a sudden sharing hobbies.
Put your foot down x

Where exactly is he going off to?

Bottom line op, and I have been there, he is going to do whatever he is planning, be it innocent or not. I doubt it was a coincidental meeting but he may have purely innocent intentions. Either way you cant change anything. It would be interesting to know who ended it and what had happened to her in the meantime. It doesn't mean he is going to cheat but he may pursue the friendship.

Something has been bothering me about the exchange. She invited him to drink wine with her - suggested they see each other again (so clearly she is in fact staying in London for a while, so I wouldn’t believe the story about her living overseas full time) and she just added ‘his wife’ as an after thought.
Covering his back and hers. Welcome for now, but assuming (correctly) he won’t be bringing wifey (intellectually inadequate culturally at least, and won’t keep up with the conversation)and would stifle their joint interests.

I really hope op wakes up and stops playing cool wife before the shared interests and cosy wine becomes an irreparable problem.

I'm not sure if this is helpful to you but I got a train out of waterloo home to the suburbs where I live and I kid you not my ex was sitting right in front of me and I hadn't even noticed when I sat down! It does happn (not that he couldn't have arranged it but it does happen by accident too).

He was with someone else and he became semi-friendly again and introduced me to his parnter (and invited me to their wedding!) and introduced me to my next partner (not deliberately just "Oh Tim could help you with XYZ I'll get him to ring you).

We drifted apart again after about 5 years of a semi detatched friendship.

She made it clear in the message she is in London until Sunday, I’m sure I said that.

Totally confused as to why people think me not sharing every single of his interests makes me intellectually inadequate?

Hey @Erras , it sounds like you had a wobble and have now gained some healthy perspective - that’s great!

Now step away from the thread, you don’t need to continue to justify yourself and your relationship on here x

It’s made me sad that the people that are really trusting of his intentiona are insinuating that those of us that don’t believe him are trying to twist it and are toxic. It’s a forum and we aren’t calling those that do believe him naive etc. It’s kind of turned into a bit of relationship snobbery.

She lives abroad, you said right?

I mean it is very likely to run into people at a large interchange station in London. I’ve run into people any and everywhere. Even in different countries it happens. London is probably the place people across England are most likely to bump into each other.

trusting him is another thing. If you don’t want them to be friends and it makes you uncomfortable then say that now. You seem to be distrustful of him already, is it because she’s an ex or has there been other things that have caused this unease.

if you think she is a temptation then say no and see what happens next.

This isn’t something that would bother me, and does seem to just be a coincidence.

People have gone as far as stating as a fact that him have their child with him was deliberate and a “smokescreen”. If the shoe fits…

This is one way that coercive, controlling and manipulative behaviours begin.

Your self-esteem and your anxiety does not make another person wrong.

You have to fit within the world, the world doesn’t meld itself to your specific whims.

Once you’ve grown up a bit you’ll let go of expecting others to accommodate your own internal unhelpful thoughts.

If you are still reading OP….
I think it was a coincidence.
it’s good to ask for the MN mind to help you sort out your feelings and you will have a wide range of opinions and advice.
I ran into my ex twice at the grocery store altho he lives 2 hours away. There is a little wine/ beer bar in the grocery store and we had a glass and talked. I let him get a good look at me and answered all his questions about my career and lovely life and successful children and DH. All while thinking…Yea asshole you
hurt me and yet here I am in all my glory. Wouldn’t go back with him or pursue a friendship or do some double date thing EVER. The best was afterwards the young man running the wine bar asked if he was my DH and I said nope an ex and he said” good because the guy was a dick to me “

Keep a finger on the pulse of this situation and come back if you need further advice

If it’s of any help, running I don’t find it at all unlikely to run inti someone in a busy station. I run into people at Heathrow all the time. As well as London restaurants. The other day I ran into someone in Zurich airport - I do Zurich at most once a year so how likely is that?

Him commenting on her looking well is just being nice, surely? I we t through a period of fitness, nutrition, sleep overhaul and was getting b those comments from everyone - exes, colleagues (name and female, married and single). Conversely, I’d say the same to people of both sexes if I haven’t seen them for a while and they looked well.

Finally, being in touch with exes sporadically is also perfectly fine in my book.

Just another datapoint for you OP. Some of the posters in this thread seem to live in parallel universe.

Blimey OP! Haven't RTFT, only your posts. I honestly can't see anything wrong with this. He's dealt with it perfectly and you seem to be feeling better (at least, when not having to explain yourself to everyone wagging the finger at you!).

Insecurity is a bitch isn't it! X

I'm surprised your 22 month old was calm and quiet enough to sit still whilst they had an hour long chat in the confines of a station coffee shop. Very "Brief encounter"

It's natural to feel a bit anxious and wary of your DH reconnecting with an ex and wanting to be "friends." Promoting connection with her online. Even if there is no real threat to your relationship.

I’d be really pissed off.

No, your group is calling us 'cool wives' in a sneery tone.