To not give a crap about a man in hospital, after he destroyed my sons motorbike?

[Lollylucyclark101]

My son turned 18 in June 25. He has ADHD, ODD and is on the ASD.

When he turned 18 he had £5k from his Gov Trust account. £500 was from the Gov in 2007, the rest I put in over the next 17 years.

With that money he brought a 2nd hand motorbike, 6 months old and only had 500 miles on it - absolute beauty and a bargain. Insurance is sky high so we help him pay for it and occasionally give him money for petrol. He already had the safety gear (We brought him a moped for his 16th in 2023)

This bike was his baby. Its now off the road with several things wrong, including the gearbox (we think) being broken.

My son was at the shopping centre, he was sitting on a bench with his GF and friends, and other friends (all around the same age) were razzing around on their bikes being stupid. My sons bike was parked with several other when one idiot, with a chap on the back lost control doing a wheelie and smashed into the stationary bikes... causing damage to all of them, but my sons was the worst. No ambulance was called, no police and everything was "hush hush" - I didn't know what had happed to the morning after.
They guy that crashed has no insurance. He said to my son "I will pay for the damage, but I need to go as I have no insurance". The then got on his bike and left.

My son didn't take photos, didnt take videos and point blank refuses to give me the guys name or any details.... now yes, Ive had the talk about what to do in that situation if it ever arises again - me? I just thought it was common sense....and there was a Snapchat video taken by someone else of the accident...... but anyway.

Since it happened (last Friday, today is Tuesday) the lad has NOT been in contact, so my son messages and asks if he can let him know about paying for the damage. The guy says he's in hospital...... comes to pass that he was stopped by the police for no insurance on Friday night, then drove his GFs car (also uninsured to drive it) into a wall earlier today.... I think, because of the damage hes caused - but for me, stupid games win stupid prizes, I have absolutely no sympathy.

My son now wont ask him for any money, wont ask for his parents details and has been very obtuse about the whole thing and I feel he is protecting this guy.

I don't care that he's in Hospital. He should have at least given his full name and contact details at the scene, or when my son then asked afterwards... or his parents details.....
We cant report to the insurance as the smash happened nearly 4 days ago, and my husband is saying that they will write off the bike and then the insurance will go up which we cant afford.

The damage total (currently) just for parts is £200, but if they repair the gear leaver and the gearbox doesn't work it could run into a couple of grand - more than the cost of the bike, meaning that we just have this hunk of metal sat in the garage... mores to the point the PARENTS KNOW! and have done absolutely nothing to rectify the situation.

I am having to go into work late to take my son to college, his dad is having to pick him up, we are having to ferry him to and from work and to his GFs..... which my son doesn't see a problem with.... but it frustrates me! because of his ASD, my son WILL NOT get public transport.

I put a Facebook post on today asking for more information at the parents details..... my son and husband are fuming and are telling me I'm interfering that hes 18 and blah blah blah.... BUT as an adult, he should be handling it in an adult way

• taking the bike to a professional to be appraised
• get a list of the damage and repairs
• contacting the lad and his parents (regardless of if he is in hospital) and advising of the costs and sending an invoice.

But like I said, its all being hushed up and everyone is feeling sorry for this lad because he's in Hospital - where as I am fuming over the whole thing and think it should be handled differently and the police involved, my husband and son say that they will fix it and will foot the bill and no one needs to know!.... am I missing something? or as no one got a moral compass? why is that family allowing their teenage son to ride/drive without insurance? My son (yes at 18) wouldn't be leaving the house if I knew he was doing that!

My son has insurance and he is taxed. He's done all the right things, yet has ended up in this situation. Both are now not taking to me because of the FB post.... and they say I should have sympathy for the lad!

Am I just barking mad or am I justified with my anger? and do I need to "mind my own business?".... baring in mind, that whenever something goes wrong with work or college he immediately contacts me to "do something".

Report it to your sons’s insurance company (get your DH to pretend to be your son if needed)

If they write it off due to damage your son can buy it back anyway, and get it repaired. It probably won’t actually be written off, as in too damaged to repair. This happens with cars all the time and they are even sold on by the owner.

Facilitating your son having a motorbike was an incredibly stupid thing to do in the first place surely?

He doesn't seem to have any adult abilities at all. A 'starter kit' of a 15yo Vauxhall for £200 would have been far more sensible.

As @JustPinkFinch said, this is a sign from God because the chances of him ending up dead or worse was high with this scheme.

He should go to insurance. It may not be written off if it's a newish bike and it is just the few parts. My ds 21 has a motorbike, he's had a couple of minor accidents, one his fault, one not. It's made him more careful and he's gained skills in doing small repairs. Yes, ideally he would have a car stuffed with cotton wool to drive round in, but it's given him affordable transport to work and a boost to his mental health. Also his dad is an ex professional biker who would pulverise him if he mucked about or hung out with people who did.

Presumably you assessed your son's maturity to own a motorbike, safety has to be absolutely non negotiable. Being ND (my DS is as well) is no excuse.

Yes this

Well regardless of ND you reckoned he’s big enough, old enough and sensible enough to own and ride a motorbike, so I don’t understand where neurodivergence comes into it.

It’s on him mucking about with other friends and their bikes at a shopping centre. I’d leave him to it tbh, I’m not sure why you’re funding this

and I wouldn’t be arsed about the lad in the hospital either

There is absolutely more to this than you are being told.
Keep out of it. Your embarrassing yourself and your son.

Has no one ever made a mistake as a kid. Jesus I drove into the electric gates at 17……..thousands of pounds worth of dents. The car was never repaired and I was made to drive round with the dents until my ability to judge distance improved and then we traded the car in for something better. 1st car I bought myself I reversed into a plant pot and had to live with the scratches until I could afford the repair. Tip I now take the cosmetic damage cover which means they even polish out hairline scratches at the next service.

99% of people don’t report repairs they do themselves and insurance companies don’t look that deep if they do end up paying out for other things especially if it’s a right off. I’m guessing it fell over and bent the gear leaver which in turn may have damaged the clutch + gear box how do they know you didn’t drop it and therefore pay for the repair.

I wouldn't even believe he was in hospital and would share the video everywhere asking who he is...

They're all prats and your son should take this as perhaps needing to be more careful who he mixes with.

He needs to deal with it himself and you should stay out of it. It's a life lesson and a valuable one.

Yeap. My friend was recently on an orthopedics ward, and nearly everyone else there was there because of a motorcycle accident. My cousin was left paralysed on the right side of his body because of a motorcycle accident. I would not give an 18- year-old a motorbike

Tell him this is his last chance to tell you the boy's name and hand over the video or there will be no lifts. Love how he thinks he gets to dictate what he "will not" do after this. If he's old enough for a job and a girlfriend he can learn to cope with a bus.

Sounds like your son isn’t mature enough or sensible enough to have a motorbike. I’d be happy it wasn’t getting fixed….this damage might have saved his life. He can buy a push bike.

So your DS was with a group of friends who were dicking about with motorbikes? Somehow your DSs bike got damaged. I suspect that you've not been told the full story here.

Yabu. Either report it or stop ferrying your son around and leave him to his decision.

If he just wants to go on sticking his head in the sand, sorry! No lifts, no money for repairs - ADHD or no ADHD.

This, stop babying him. He was old enough to buy it, its his responsibility.

If he is adamant he won't be doing anything about it himself, stop giving the lifts.
You said yourself he was old enough to buy it.
He wants it his way, let it be his way.

He has to sort this out.
If he doesn't sort the bike out then he has to sort his own alternative transport.

Youre teaching him that youll do anything that suits him.

He's obviously not mature enough for a motorbike. Get him a bus pass instead.

Frustrating this has happened to your son.

If there’s a video of it, could that not be provided to the police and insurance company as proof? Though maybe your son’s reluctant to shop the culprit (e.g. if he might get threatening or have him known as a snitch) but would rather not tell you that.

However, if the fella isn’t insured, then presumably your son would have to claim on his own insurance anyway? Though, possible he’s insured and lying to avoid a claim?

If your son won’t claim, you obvs can’t make him. He’s an adult. But that means he has to make adult decisions and trade-offs: if he doesn’t want to claim, for whatever reason, then he’ll have to borrow the money for a new bike, buy/borrow a push bike, use public transport or taxis. As you would.

Adults can’t expect the best solution to be that someone else (parents, partners, friends, colleagues) steps in and takes responsibility.

Suggest having a calm, open chat to help him weigh up the best solution. Of course, many parents do decide to help out adult offspring (financially, with childcare, free holidays, lifts etc etc), but IMHO they shouldn’t expect it. It should be seen as a favour, not to be permanently relied on and to be grateful for, as it would if it was a friend.

This.

ASD is not an excuse.

He either needs your support or he doesn't. And clearly he does.

Your son is either your child who needs to follow your instructions which include reporting to his insurance company or he’s an adult and in that case he can deal with it how he wants and sort out his own transport to go anywhere.

You remind me of a lovely friend who unfortunately has a similar liability of an adult son. He’s always getting into scrapes that she endlessly bails him out of and always making excuses “it was his idiot mates” “he’s easily lead” “he just does it because he wants friends” “he doesn’t understand things” “he was tired and drank on an empty stomach”.

I have known him since he was a kid, hapless lad, but not helped by a mother who babies him and refuses to allow him to take accountability for any of his actions. Just a recipe for disaster.

IMHO parents should always be there to support their adult offspring, regardless of whether they’re disabled or have particular needs.

But that support should consist of being a safe, loving space and non-judgemental sounding board, passing on knowledge and experience (which comes with age), with a view to helping them make informed adult decisions or finding the best solution for them.

Not by insisting on their preferred solution or doing things for them, unless viewed as a favour.

If he refuses to address the issue the only lifts he'd be getting from me would be to college ... he'd have to walk the rest if he can't get on ghe bus

This.

If he's adult enough to hold decision on how he's going to respond to all this, he can be adult enough to make his own way to work/gfs.

My son was at the shopping centre, he was sitting on a bench with his GF and friends, and other friends (all around the same age) were razzing around on their bikes being stupid. My sons bike was parked with several other when one idiot, with a chap on the back lost control doing a wheelie and smashed into the stationary bikes... causing damage to all of them, but my sons was the worst.

tbh they are all idiots, your son included and the play stupid games win stupid prizes also applies to your son. A group of teens all ‘razzing’ around on bikes is dangerous. Your sons may of been parked up at this point but you can guarantee he was also riding about being stupid. He is 18 leave him to it but I wouldn’t be paying for anything to be fixed and wouldn’t be doing lifts he can walk or get a bus if he’s not going to try get any money of the guy, hopefully teach him a lesson to not be so stupid

No lifts, no help for money, nothing. If he wants to protect this absolute maniac on the road I hope he feels very guilty when he hurts/kills someone for being so reckless and not reporting him.