To not give a crap about a man in hospital, after he destroyed my sons motorbike?

[Lollylucyclark101]

My son turned 18 in June 25. He has ADHD, ODD and is on the ASD.

When he turned 18 he had £5k from his Gov Trust account. £500 was from the Gov in 2007, the rest I put in over the next 17 years.

With that money he brought a 2nd hand motorbike, 6 months old and only had 500 miles on it - absolute beauty and a bargain. Insurance is sky high so we help him pay for it and occasionally give him money for petrol. He already had the safety gear (We brought him a moped for his 16th in 2023)

This bike was his baby. Its now off the road with several things wrong, including the gearbox (we think) being broken.

My son was at the shopping centre, he was sitting on a bench with his GF and friends, and other friends (all around the same age) were razzing around on their bikes being stupid. My sons bike was parked with several other when one idiot, with a chap on the back lost control doing a wheelie and smashed into the stationary bikes... causing damage to all of them, but my sons was the worst. No ambulance was called, no police and everything was "hush hush" - I didn't know what had happed to the morning after.
They guy that crashed has no insurance. He said to my son "I will pay for the damage, but I need to go as I have no insurance". The then got on his bike and left.

My son didn't take photos, didnt take videos and point blank refuses to give me the guys name or any details.... now yes, Ive had the talk about what to do in that situation if it ever arises again - me? I just thought it was common sense....and there was a Snapchat video taken by someone else of the accident...... but anyway.

Since it happened (last Friday, today is Tuesday) the lad has NOT been in contact, so my son messages and asks if he can let him know about paying for the damage. The guy says he's in hospital...... comes to pass that he was stopped by the police for no insurance on Friday night, then drove his GFs car (also uninsured to drive it) into a wall earlier today.... I think, because of the damage hes caused - but for me, stupid games win stupid prizes, I have absolutely no sympathy.

My son now wont ask him for any money, wont ask for his parents details and has been very obtuse about the whole thing and I feel he is protecting this guy.

I don't care that he's in Hospital. He should have at least given his full name and contact details at the scene, or when my son then asked afterwards... or his parents details.....
We cant report to the insurance as the smash happened nearly 4 days ago, and my husband is saying that they will write off the bike and then the insurance will go up which we cant afford.

The damage total (currently) just for parts is £200, but if they repair the gear leaver and the gearbox doesn't work it could run into a couple of grand - more than the cost of the bike, meaning that we just have this hunk of metal sat in the garage... mores to the point the PARENTS KNOW! and have done absolutely nothing to rectify the situation.

I am having to go into work late to take my son to college, his dad is having to pick him up, we are having to ferry him to and from work and to his GFs..... which my son doesn't see a problem with.... but it frustrates me! because of his ASD, my son WILL NOT get public transport.

I put a Facebook post on today asking for more information at the parents details..... my son and husband are fuming and are telling me I'm interfering that hes 18 and blah blah blah.... BUT as an adult, he should be handling it in an adult way

• taking the bike to a professional to be appraised
• get a list of the damage and repairs
• contacting the lad and his parents (regardless of if he is in hospital) and advising of the costs and sending an invoice.

But like I said, its all being hushed up and everyone is feeling sorry for this lad because he's in Hospital - where as I am fuming over the whole thing and think it should be handled differently and the police involved, my husband and son say that they will fix it and will foot the bill and no one needs to know!.... am I missing something? or as no one got a moral compass? why is that family allowing their teenage son to ride/drive without insurance? My son (yes at 18) wouldn't be leaving the house if I knew he was doing that!

My son has insurance and he is taxed. He's done all the right things, yet has ended up in this situation. Both are now not taking to me because of the FB post.... and they say I should have sympathy for the lad!

Am I just barking mad or am I justified with my anger? and do I need to "mind my own business?".... baring in mind, that whenever something goes wrong with work or college he immediately contacts me to "do something".

What a waste of £5k and it was an accident waiting to happen anyway.

Your son has ADHD and ASD and you have supported and enabled him getting a motorcycle? The guy who ran off without paying tens of thousabds in damage isnt the stupid one, your son as many with ASD is naive,dosent understand when he is being conned and easy to trick, a neurotypical guy would have held the guy there by his scruff if needed and called the police.

I would be quietly thrilled the motorbike has probably been written off and your DS still has his life. I know 2 people who’ve died on motorbikes and I would terrified if my DS got one. It’s an expensive lesson but overall a good outcome in my opinion.

Well your son can report the damage to his insurers without knowing the name of the person responsible for the damage. You can decide not to give him lifts, or only give lifts to college/work. You can discuss with DH and DS how long you give the "guy in hospital" to come up with a payment plan. You can't force other people to behave how you want but you can set boundaries.

My son didn't take photos, didnt take videos

Well, somebody did. The police would find it useful in identifying this miscreant - it would, of course, completely exonerate your son rather than show him doing exactly the same sort of idiotic stuff shortly beforehand, so he'd have nothing to worry about.

This all sounds like far too much mental effort given you can't change the minds of those involved. It's frustrating and stupid but sometimes people need to learn from experience - in your son's case, that may mean having to learn very quickly how to take public transport or budget for taxis. It won't kill him. (Unlike the combination of motorbike and twattish "friends", which very well might.)

It needs reporting to insurance and police. The other party fled the scene without leaving details. Your son is obligated by his insurance to let them know of any accident or his insurance is invalid. The stark facts are, there were some teens on bikes "rizzing about" (behaving anti-socially) a car park, whether your DC was actively doing it or not he was part of the group. Due to stupidity there was an accident which has not been reported, someone has possibly ended up in hospital and property has been damaged.

Kindly OP, are you sure you are getting the whole story? Whilst there is a video of the incident, what was happening before? I find it very hard to believe that your son wasn't also "rizzing about" on his bike when hanging out with friends - even the most sensible of DC can get silly and show off when hanging out with friends unsupervised and I find it hard to believe that he just sat there nicely on the bench with his friends whilst he parked his bike at the side when others in the friend group were "rizzing about" .

The fact your DP is also against informing the insurance possibly means he knows a bit more of the story than you.

Either way, you need to report to the insurance and your DC will have to face consequences of his actions (expensive insurance/ no replacement bike). Tbh I would see it as a blessing in disguise, he is possibly not mature enough or equipped well enough to own one responsibly if he thinks hanging out with people who behave anti-socially on their bikes in car parks is a good idea and doesn't want to deal with the insurance.

I would try the £200 year leaver 1st as I bet his insurance excess is more than that. Even a Land Rover gear box is £450 google your son’s bike and gear box it’s likely less than £100 considering the gear leaver is £20 on eBay.

You need to calmly add up the cost of repairs vs the cost of insurance then go from there.

I don't think you needed to declare all your sons conditions and financial grants status etc... !? Not relevant.

I don't think there's much you can do bar teach your son a valuable lesson for next time a similar situation arises

Phone the police and tell them about the video.
call the insurance, or get your son to.

I’m not even reading it. You are being unreasonable buying your 18 year old a motorbike.

You can't speak to insurance because of GDPR this i understand. Husband wanted me to sort out his because he won't sit in a queue because the lines are all busy. When I finally got through they refused to deal with me, insisted on speaking to himself. Haha he was out fishing.

Now I make him hang around if I'm dealing with companies.

I'd just step back @Lollylucyclark101 it's the only way it will sink in. Don't get another bike.

Step away and ignore. You didn’t cause the situation and your son refuses to deal with it so 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’d be refusing any lifts. Your son is an adult and refusing your help so that’s on him. He didn’t cause the accident but he’s directly involved in the situation.

He is an adult, let him sort it out, next time he' brings' a motorbike, lesson learned, don't piss about in car parks with other idiots, life's a twat at times. And bear in mind he will have to navigate life by himself, adhd asd or no, it's hard and he'll fall at many hurdles, I did,but he won't learn if you keep wiping his arse, and wishing someone harm cos your lad has fucked up is nasty

I think that, unless you want to be giving him lifts until he’s 29, you’d be silly to report it to the insurance. Yes, you’re obligated to report any accident, but it’s not as though the other party is going to be reporting it, is it? If you report it, then he may get a couple of quid if it’s written off, but that’s not going to help him if you can’t afford the increased premium and he can’t afford to ride the bike if it’s repaired.

Take it to a decent mechanic and get an accurate idea of costs. This boy isn’t going to pay your DS a single penny. The only way he’d do that was if your DS and/or your DH was banging in on his door, putting the fear of God into him. If neither of them have it in them to do that, and if your son and his dad aren’t willing to go and see this boy’s parents to get the money, then they can put their heads together and work out how to either pay for repairs or whether they’d get more cash scrapping it or breaking it down to sell for parts. They want to deal with it their way (which is completely ineffectual and more than a little bit pathetic) so let them fix it and be responsible for paying for it and arranging lifts for your DS. Wash your hands of it.

And when your son is moping about and moaning because he’s got no transportation and dad has tired of driving him everywhere he wants to go, and he hasn’t saved enough to buy a little moped, tell him to talk to his dad about it.

This. I surance will usually pay out for uninsured drivers. I'd b reporting incident to the Police as well with video evidence if it's available.

Unfortunately I think this is quite an expensive lesson, if you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. Your son isn’t an innocent bystander, he too was loitering around with his mates, frick-arsing about on their motorbikes and they were all just lucky it wasn’t a person that was ploughed into.
You can’t help him if he won’t accept it. He needs to take some responsibility for the situation and he’ll just have to sort himself out. Insurance is there for this sort of thing but you can’t force him to claim so what more can you do? I certainly wouldn’t be running the roads giving lifts and getting into embarrassing Facebook dramas.

This

as a parent and the person who saved most of the money for the bike I’d be fuming too but this is a mess he needs to sort out

This.

Also - have I misunderstood or do believe that the boy/ man who damaged your son's bike drove his girlfriend's car into a wall deliberately (potentially aiming to end his own life)? If so then it's frankly astonishing to be expecting his parents to be prioritising damage to your son's property - it won't even be on their radar, regardless of how shiny their moral compass (and yours needs some attention if you prioritise property above human life).

Your son should call the insurance but the combination of puberty and ASD are reasons for a rather more rigid adherence to inferred rules about keeping your word to someone you think is a friend than a mature adult might think appropriate.

I would say that your son is either capable and independent enough to handle the aftermath of the accident and get himself to and from college, or he needs support from his parents for one or more of those things and needs to accept that this involves doing the right thing to avoid insurance fraud - otherwise as soon as it is repaired and he drives it he too will be an uninsured driver.

If DS doesn't accept your help with insurance, he doesn't get a lift from you.

Do you think you might have triggered his ODD in the way you have communicated with him? If so, you know better than the rest of us how best to "untrigger" that.

Agreed. He has proven he isn't mature enough as he was hanging out in a car park with 'friends' who were being reckless. It wouldn't surprise me if your sons version of events have been embellished somewhat!

He's not in hospital - its a stalling tactic

I'm genuinely baffled. You're asking for advice on what your 18 year old can do about a crash while he was fucking around on a motorbike in a shopping centre....
The amount of teenagers that have taken over our town flying around on motorbikes, driving dangerous and being absolute dregs of society.
I always glare at them and think what the hell must your parents be like to allow this. I guess like you...
I would be disgusted at my son if he was in a shopping centre on a motorbike.
Genuinely shocked that you don't seem to realise what a shitty person your son is being.

If your DH and DS think he’s 18 and you shouldn’t be getting involved the don’t, no more lifts, no more paying. He can’t have it both ways.

Well of course you don’t care about a complete stranger being in hospital. Who would? The hospitals are full of them as we speak 😂

there is no reason you can’t claim on insurance though- that’s what it’s for