To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

So what happens God forbid if one of @namechangedcusillbeflamed own relatives happens to fall ill just on the cusp of a weekend How do we think he would react.

God love you OP.
You have been no doubt targeted by him as a soft touch.
How quickly did he bail on his ex and child if the child is 5, you are married since January and with him 3 years?
He was gone when tjzt child was tiny, but quickly found a soft touch to do free childcare.

You need to realise that women with self esteem and self respect do not tolerate being treated like free childcare for men and their Ex.

They must be thrilled with themselves having caught you for all this.
She won't have her child and he works/hobbies and the foolish new wife gets caught for childcare.

Unbelievable.
I presume you are realising that this loser is not ever going to be dad material.
I hope so.

Wife means a woman in a marital relationship. How exactly a woman ‘performs’ that role when it comes to a stepchild/stepchildren is down to the individual in question. As a married couple they will certainly have shared responsibilities that require them to act as a team, but his son isn’t one of them. That you chose to assume responsibility for your stepchild is your choice and your problem, and doesn’t oblige anyone else to do the same.

I missed your question. No, I’m not. I dealt with many stepparents in my professional life as they went through the process of jettisoning spouses like OP’s DH.

Stop babysitting his child. Right now. You're not a mother, you're not a parent and you did NOT agree to this. Only you can stop him from using you and making your life a whole lot shittier, and only you can allow it. If he objects to you not doing his job, you now know who and what he is.

This x 100. Please listen OP.

What you are deciding right now is whether you will tolerate your life being made far worse and you being mistreated for years. A lot of women wish they could go back in time and fix what went wrong when they are trapped with children in an inescapable tug of war over children with selfish men.

This is your moment to stop things from going wrong for you.

You absolutely should not be taking on the bulk of this. I'm not sure what's going on with the mum but his dad should be re organising his schedule to account for this sudden change in contact. It feels like this has all worked out too easy for him. You're a free nanny!!!
Time for a very firm chat. You will be busy at weekends from now on (take up a hobby or just go out) & the evenings don't work for you.
And don't have a baby with him unless you want this all again. He's going to do exactly the same thing if you have one of your own.

So @namechangedcusillbeflamed can you answer the question of what you said when he announced that with the few hours left to see his son and you, he is now going to do a hobby?

Weird how both the kids mum AND dad are now unable to have him at the weekend ... are you sure they aren't back together and using you for free childcare while they are at it?

I think it's time to go away for a few weekends "with friends". I would also schedule jogging/gym trips for when your DH is apparently having his new hobby.

He's turning you into default "parent" for a child who isn't yours.

I think you hit the nail on the head OP when you said that you’re happy to parent WITH him not FOR him.
I stepped up with My DSS many years ago but my DH would never have expected me to carry the load.

You need to nip this in the bud now as far DH is concerned. Have a proper conversation telling him that DSS, lovely as he is, is DH's prime responsibility, not yours, and that you will not be available this Saturday, or any other, to babysit while DH goes off to do his new hobby, or extra shifts. Then make sure you are not there.
If he persists, you'd want to think twice about having your own DC with this man, as he's showing you what you can expect.

The kid has two parents.

She married her husband- to have an adult relationship with HIM.

Im afraid you're being used. Sounds like you're doing more childcare than either of his parents.

He's a shit husband and a shit Dad. Id probably leave. What is your financial/housing set up?

You're young. Move on whilst you still can.

His child, his responsibility. My children's step mother has really clear boundaries. She always made it very clear they weren't her children and my ex had to do everything for them. They all get along well and the kids really like her. There's no resentment from her towards them because she made it clear from the start. Looking after young children can be relentless and your husband might be taking extra shifts deliberately to avoid childcare.

Sounds like he thinks he has you trapped now. Him taking up a hobby when the child is there is absolutely a piss take. Time to have your own plans on a Saturday- make sure you’re not in.
although tbh this relationship is doomed as your husband is showing you a total lack of respect and if this is after only 3 years, god help you after 5, 8, 10, etc.

If you're 29 and your husband is happy to act like this, get out while you can. You've still got time to have children with someone who will be a good parent and husband. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but those of us who have been there, can only warn you. I feel so bad for his little boy that his parents are so ridiculous. You seem really caring and a good person.

I’ve only read op’s posts and agree that this isn’t you signed up for. You had 18 months ‘trial period’ before marrying dh, whereby you looked after stepchild when needed, but wasn’t the de facto parent. Now that has gradually changed, and Dh taking up a new hobby at the weekend is a p-s-take.

I agree, serious conversations need to be had, and boundaries put in place.

Your DH and son come as a packet. I can't believe you both didn't discuss the set up before getting married!
You are his step MOTHER. I honestly don't know what you expected. Poor child. Hope ne never finds out he was considered a nuisance at times.
Of course his father has major caring role but he isn't out having fun while you are looking after his son. He is working.
I suppose you could insist on a nanny or baby sitter but that would be expensive.

OP - listen to @MySweetMaggie.

Marriage does not have to mean self-sacrifice. Life is short. These should be the years when you are thriving and exploring, and earning well so that you can provide for your own retirement.

If he is working extra shifts because you've been hit by unexpected costs as a household, that's one thing. If it's for a more impressive car or stag dos, some reflection might be useful.

RTFT He is now taking up a hobby on a Saturday Hoist by your own petard

And so what does your DH do for his child? Regardless of that, your DH needs to be a parent and not handover the child to you. He is taking the piss. This has nothing to do with what DSS mother is doing or not for whatever reason your DH must pick up the slack not you! Or your adopt the child if his mother doesn’t want him if that’s an option!

Leave DSS mother out of it and have the conversation with your DH about being a dad.
I fully empathise with you and this is not your problem just because you married a man with a kid and a MH issues mother….you can just as easily leave them to it. I take it from your post that you want this to work which is entirely dependant on your DH.

Yeah he's taking the piss. He needs to cut his hours like any separated parent would need to. He just thinks he can make you the new Mum. Ask him what hes doing for childcare while he has his Saturday hobby.

If this is true you should tell him he’s not the person you thought he was and you’ll be away every weekend for a while for you to think about things. I think he found the parenting load hard, resented it and thinks it’s your turn now. He doesn’t seem to at all realise what he is doing to his child, or respeft you, and if you don’t stop this fuckery now then this is your life. I hope your contraception is amazing.

And your reply to this was? Please tell me you told him he’s taking the piss. As is the child’s mother.

Well if it was me it wouldnt have to be Being treated like this would be a complete turn off

Tell him you too have taken up a Saturday hobby so you assume he's taking his child with him when he goes out.