Page 17 | To not “babysit” my stepchild?

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 2025-09-16T16:54:17+00:00

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5. Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc). Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed. We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working. I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift” aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

FOJN · 17/09/2025 20:14

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 20:08

It’s not that I don’t “like it,” I don’t agree with it.

What position? Her husband leaving her alone with a child she lives with 50% of the time, for a few hours?

Hardly crime of the century is it.

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The crime is not that the OP is doing any childcare or parenting it's that she"s doing most of it. The goal posts were moved when she got married and now the child's actual parents are doing hardly any of the parenting. The new arrangements were not discussed with OP they were imposed upon her and now her lazy husband has decided he's got time to take up a new hobby leaving OP to parent his child again. No discussion, no negotiation, no compromise.

21ZIGGY · 17/09/2025 20:23

GiveDogBone · 17/09/2025 18:02

So you’ve married a man with a child. The child has a mentally unstable mother, and is not capable of / is not reliable in parenting him. What exactly about this situation was unknown before you married him?

He should divorce you on the spot and try and find somebody else who’ll actually be his partner in putting the child’s interest first, rather than their own selfish interests.

So the man needs to find an uncomplaining woman to parent HIS child for HIM?

AnaisVB · 17/09/2025 20:25

I actually feel for you because you’re in a rock and hard place. The unreasonable bit is your DH expecting you to do any of it.
But please do step in for this poor child as his parents need to grow up and put him first . He’s lucky to have you, but you clearly need to set your boundaries too. I don’t think it’s about who is the biological parent - my SM was a much better mother to me than my own mother . She didn’t have to do it, I’m sure she found it tough and sometimes the relationship was tested to the max between her and I , but I will never forget it and it helped shaped who I am today. I definitely feel you have a responsibility to this child, sorry but I do. I don’t think that means you should be expected to pick up where they are failing though. Blended families are so tough!

MostlyHappyMummy · 17/09/2025 20:26

21ZIGGY · 17/09/2025 20:23

So the man needs to find an uncomplaining woman to parent HIS child for HIM?

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Yup. Most of them do find one to be fair
like OP who knows she's being used but will just put up with it - weird

Horses7 · 17/09/2025 20:30

I think your partner has got a new nanny, housekeeper, taxi service and wage earner. What have you got?

JenniferBooth · 17/09/2025 20:31

MostlyHappyMummy · 17/09/2025 20:26

Yup. Most of them do find one to be fair
like OP who knows she's being used but will just put up with it - weird

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The ego of some of them is so huge that they omit to tell the person they are dating that they have a child even when that person has on their profile that they dont date men with kids cos they hope the woman will fall so madly in love with them that by the time they drop the bombshell the woman will be invested.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4722491-he-has-a-son

wp65 · 17/09/2025 20:33

NoNewsisGood · 17/09/2025 18:15

You are the child's step-mother. That is a ready-made child you would now be parenting and responsible for, of course. I think that if both his bio parents died, you are the official parent left. He is your child, albeit by marriage. He is still so young so you will be a factor in his life, a responsible adult that he can trust, rely on and look up to as he might his own mother. Think into the future, you and DH stay together, and in 20-30 years' time, your DSS brings over his kids for granny and grandpa to look after, and you will be the granny. Of course he does cos you are his stepmum, his alternate mum.

I cannot understand anyone who is in a relationship with a parent who just wants the parent and not the child. Jeez. It's not ok. He's a child. Do you think he has any idea wtf is going on with the adults in his life? He needs love and looking after. If you can't do that, then get out of their lives and find someone who isn't already a parent.

If you actually read the OP’s posts, you’d be able to see that the situation you describe is not what’s going on here.

JenniferBooth · 17/09/2025 20:34

Horses7 · 17/09/2025 20:30

I think your partner has got a new nanny, housekeeper, taxi service and wage earner. What have you got?

Yep Another man that wants to behave like its the 1950s when it comes to parenting but happy to be in 2025 when it comes to her working as well

Finteq · 17/09/2025 20:45

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 17/09/2025 17:30

Wow. Some of these responses are very harsh.

I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.

My issue is that I appear to be doing a huge bulk of parenting, whilst DSS mum has free weekends, and my DH can decide he won’t be here at the weekends either.

I am TIRED. I have a stressful job, working every weekday, usually into the evenings to finish my admin too. I am more than happy to be a stepmum, but not a primary caregiver for a child that isn’t mine. Sorry if that’s harsh.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

DSS’s mum doesn’t even have him tonight because she said her partner isn’t well and can’t be at home. So that’s us having him Friday - Thursday (if she picks up tomorrow) and then Friday - Tuesday again. How is that fair?

Seems like you've just rolled over and accepted it.

He's really taking the piss.

userychangery · 17/09/2025 20:46

I don't accept that 'adulthood' for women equates to being a skivvy and doormat.

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 20:53

userychangery · 17/09/2025 20:46

I don't accept that 'adulthood' for women equates to being a skivvy and doormat.

It doesn’t?

We both hold equal responsibility for everything in our house. We both work, do equal cooking and housework, and we’re both responsible for my stepson. I’m not a doormat, I’m a participant in a family home.

This guy going to work is hardly against anyone’s rules, surely - houses need money, and I don’t think I’d begrudge my partner a few hours for a hobby either, because I’d be unhappy if I wasn’t “allowed one.”

We split everything, and work together. Telling him it’s not my responsibility to care for his son isn’t working as a team or a unit, and I think that’s what you sign up for when you move into someone’s child’s life.

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 20:56

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 20:08

It’s not that I don’t “like it,” I don’t agree with it.

What position? Her husband leaving her alone with a child she lives with 50% of the time, for a few hours?

Hardly crime of the century is it.

Show quote history

Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️ you also aren’t required to agree with it in order for it to be true.

What position? The one she described in her OP, that she is finding a sad way to live. He’s dumping his responsibilities onto her, which is not at all what she signed up for (or was ever led to believe she was signing up for).

Foodylicious · 17/09/2025 20:59

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 17/09/2025 17:30

Wow. Some of these responses are very harsh.

I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.

My issue is that I appear to be doing a huge bulk of parenting, whilst DSS mum has free weekends, and my DH can decide he won’t be here at the weekends either.

I am TIRED. I have a stressful job, working every weekday, usually into the evenings to finish my admin too. I am more than happy to be a stepmum, but not a primary caregiver for a child that isn’t mine. Sorry if that’s harsh.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

DSS’s mum doesn’t even have him tonight because she said her partner isn’t well and can’t be at home. So that’s us having him Friday - Thursday (if she picks up tomorrow) and then Friday - Tuesday again. How is that fair?

Blimey!
Now that really is properly taking the piss.
What did you say to him?

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 21:00

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 20:53

It doesn’t?

We both hold equal responsibility for everything in our house. We both work, do equal cooking and housework, and we’re both responsible for my stepson. I’m not a doormat, I’m a participant in a family home.

This guy going to work is hardly against anyone’s rules, surely - houses need money, and I don’t think I’d begrudge my partner a few hours for a hobby either, because I’d be unhappy if I wasn’t “allowed one.”

We split everything, and work together. Telling him it’s not my responsibility to care for his son isn’t working as a team or a unit, and I think that’s what you sign up for when you move into someone’s child’s life.

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As a parent he isn’t free to just take on more shifts or start a new hobby. If he wants to do either/or he needs to source childcare, not dump it on his unwilling wife.

They aren’t a ‘team’ when it comes to his son, and don’t have to be. He has a responsibility that she doesn’t, whether he likes it or not.

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 21:02

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 20:56

Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️ you also aren’t required to agree with it in order for it to be true.

What position? The one she described in her OP, that she is finding a sad way to live. He’s dumping his responsibilities onto her, which is not at all what she signed up for (or was ever led to believe she was signing up for).

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In the OP she said she’d had the child on Saturday because he was at work. Presumably earning money to pay the bills and feed said child. Horrendous behaviour!

RE your other reply - he perhaps thought his wife might be willing. Because she’s his wife.

Have you ever been a step parent, out of interest?

FrivolousKitchenRollUse · 17/09/2025 21:02

NoNewsisGood · 17/09/2025 18:15

You are the child's step-mother. That is a ready-made child you would now be parenting and responsible for, of course. I think that if both his bio parents died, you are the official parent left. He is your child, albeit by marriage. He is still so young so you will be a factor in his life, a responsible adult that he can trust, rely on and look up to as he might his own mother. Think into the future, you and DH stay together, and in 20-30 years' time, your DSS brings over his kids for granny and grandpa to look after, and you will be the granny. Of course he does cos you are his stepmum, his alternate mum.

I cannot understand anyone who is in a relationship with a parent who just wants the parent and not the child. Jeez. It's not ok. He's a child. Do you think he has any idea wtf is going on with the adults in his life? He needs love and looking after. If you can't do that, then get out of their lives and find someone who isn't already a parent.

None of that is true. OP is "responsible" for nothing as won't have PR. He is not her child by marriage or in any other sense.

Lotsofsnacks · 17/09/2025 21:09

The husband is taking the piss, he couldn’t wait to get married so he could officially hand over parenting responsibilities could he?! So what did you say to him when he said he is taking up a new hobby on Saturdays??

Starlight7080 · 17/09/2025 21:09

Financially do you benefit from him doing the wekeend shifts? Is it needed ?
You married him so he is your family too now. I dont get how you both didnt dicuss this. Obviously it was bound to go this way.
You new his mum struggled and his dad may have him more.
The poor kid , he needs atleast one stable parent present.

TeamBuffalo · 17/09/2025 21:10

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 20:10

It’s just being responsible for the children that live in your home, in reality.

Or you know. Adulthood.

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Adulthood does not mean becoming some man's servant or looking after a child which isn't even your own. Well, it can, if you have absolutely no aspirations for your life, but it does not have to.

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 21:10

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 21:02

In the OP she said she’d had the child on Saturday because he was at work. Presumably earning money to pay the bills and feed said child. Horrendous behaviour!

RE your other reply - he perhaps thought his wife might be willing. Because she’s his wife.

Have you ever been a step parent, out of interest?

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It doesn’t matter what he was doing on Saturday. If he wants to work or take on a hobby then it’s on him to source childcare that isn’t OP.

So what that she’s his wife? ’Wife’ is not analogous with ‘childcare provider’, and he didn’t even care to ask her.

pestowithwalnuts · 17/09/2025 21:11

What would happen if you told DH that you were going away for the weekend with your friends .that it couldn't be changed and he have to sort out babysitting for his ds

JenniferBooth · 17/09/2025 21:11

Starlight7080 · 17/09/2025 21:09

Financially do you benefit from him doing the wekeend shifts? Is it needed ?
You married him so he is your family too now. I dont get how you both didnt dicuss this. Obviously it was bound to go this way.
You new his mum struggled and his dad may have him more.
The poor kid , he needs atleast one stable parent present.

Oh do you know the mental illness that only manifests itself on Saturdays and Sundays then. Because some of us have tried to find out what it is but been unsuccessful so far. So please do tell.

Londonrach1 · 17/09/2025 21:13

This situation should have been discussed before you got married. Dss isn't your responsibility but as a married couple you in this together. You dh sounds like a thoughtless man re his comments...

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 21:15

TeamBuffalo · 17/09/2025 21:10

Adulthood does not mean becoming some man's servant or looking after a child which isn't even your own. Well, it can, if you have absolutely no aspirations for your life, but it does not have to.

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It’s not being a servant being an active participant in your own home and sharing all of the load.

I have plenty of aspirations, and absolutely no requirement for judgemental comments.

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 21:17

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 21:10

It doesn’t matter what he was doing on Saturday. If he wants to work or take on a hobby then it’s on him to source childcare that isn’t OP.

So what that she’s his wife? ’Wife’ is not analogous with ‘childcare provider’, and he didn’t even care to ask her.

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Wife is supposed to be analogous with supportive and team player. As is husband.

I notice you didn’t answer my question.