To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

And if you put your heart and soul into looking after the wee lad, the day you split up that user of a husband of yours, you'll have no right to see each other every again

There are a lot of people on this thread very keen for the OP to have all the responsibility and none of the rights and for her DH to have vice versa

He needs to divorce this selfish person immediately. He'll be much better off.

This is more than just contact time now. He’s not just there to see his dad, he’s now in his home that he lives in for half the week. Your home is now just as much his home as his mum’s is.

Tbh, I think if you marry a man with children you need to be prepared for them to potentially live with you full time and accept the responsibility that brings as you never know what may happen with custody arrangements in the future. If you wanted to always be able to come home from work at 6pm, kick off your shoes, pour yourself a glass of wine and relax, then you shouldn’t have got together with a man with a 2 year old.

As other PP’s have said, you’re either a family or you’re not.

Honestly, aside from desperation, I don’t see how either of you thought this relationship was a good idea.

He knowingly married a woman who doesn’t care about his child and doesn’t want to be involved. Now, instead of prioritizing his kid, he just shuffles him around to keep his wife happy. That’s not responsible parenting. It isn’t the grandmother’s job to step in—it’s the parents’ job. And if one parent can’t, the other should, ideally with a supportive partner.

You shouldn’t have gotten involved once you realized he had a child. Did you really think you wouldn’t be expected to help? At some point, his son might even need to live with him full time.

The boy’s mom is dealing with her own issues and doesn’t want much to do with him. His dad is tired, busy, and doesn’t truly want the responsibility either, so he passes the child off to his mother or grandmother. Then he chose to marry someone who also doesn’t want to deal with his kid—and now he’s leaving his son with her on purpose.

That’s unfair. The child is the one suffering.

You’re right, his son isn’t your responsibility, but you also shouldn’t have stayed once you realized you felt this way. This isn’t a real partnership. Do yourself and everyone else a favor—leave permanently, and don’t get involved with someone who has kids again.

Hi OP I’ve been reading your replies. You sound like an amazing step mum and I bet this child feels lucky to have you as a constant in his life. It sounds like you go above and beyond already but are rightly questioning the unequal shift.

It’s very sad for this young child how inconsistent his time is with his mum. And actually even his dad in some ways when it sounds like it can often just be you and him. They both sound like they need a good shake. Please speak up so that you can protect yourself and continue to be this amazing figure but without increasing resentment and feelings of being taken advantage of.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your partner about weekends and say this is the final straw and things need to change. I agree that he is taking the mick. Hobbies for him aren’t an option at the weekend, I would say this in no uncertain terms. Explain that you are happy to be involved but already feel there is an unequal shift, and you feel you do enough, you love your step son but he isn’t actually your son and this isn’t what you signed up to - nor is it actually fair on him to not have his parent consistently around. Remind that if your DP can’t establish the boundary with ex around EOW etc (I know it sounds difficult to do that with her MH) then realistically as the other parent then it is his responsibility to be present for his son. I would actually reccomend you start making your own plans at the weekend on occasion to reinforce your point as well and ensure you aren’t the default parent.

As an additional suggestion - could DSS contact with his grandparents be re-established? Even on one of your partner’s late nights? Or maybe they might have DSS for an occasional weekend overnight? This might provide you and your partner with some adult time but also it would be nice to widen your DSS support network especially at a time that his mum appears to be stepping back.

best of luck OP xx

It sounds like your husband just wanted to replace the child's mother , with the expectation he can revert to being a more hands off dad. It also sounds like it would be an unfair split of responsibilities and poor attitude if you were the actual mum. You are going to have a conversation about it and it sounds like it won't go down well. But also it's not his contact, its the child's home ,so your husband needs to step up and not pass the buck to you or his parents. He has taken advantage of your good nature and this will threaten the stability of your step sons home sadly, probably with you feeling the weight of responsibility for this while the dad absents himself.

Glad you got that bile out of your system…. 🙄

Why do you think fathers shouldn’t take care of their own children and can offload it to the nearest woman?

Do you just see step-mothers are nannies? Why should OP babysit his child whilst he’s off doing his hobby all day Saturday?

Considering he purposely led her to believe that he had no intention of dumping childcare onto her or of having her assume a parental role for his child, why would she expect him to then turn around and do just that? Is this situation supposed to be her fault because she took him at his word and trusted him to not lie to her?

If what OP was offering in regards her role as a stepparent wasn’t what he wanted, then it was on him to 1, make her aware of that, and 2, walk away. Acting as a parent isn’t some inevitability that a stepparent has to expect or accept at any point, and it was not what she agreed to do when she married him.

You need your weekends for your wellbeing.

Tell your husband that you are taking up a hobby and will be out each Saturday. Do a class, meet a friend, go sit in a coffee shop and read if you want. Do this each week u til he makes other arrangements that do not rely on you.

Aaaaaw. That's heartwarming stuff 🤗!

I left the father of my OWN children because (among other things) he unilaterally filled up practically all his evenings and weekends with hobbies and/or extra shifts for spending money for said hobbies, without ever bothering to check if I had commitments, giving me a break if unwell, etc etc.

No way in hell would I put up with that shit to look after someone else's kids!

I feel sorry for you.
There's no way the current arrangement could be described as "50:50"!
If this boy's parents are serious about splitting the parenting equally, perhaps they need to move to something more like 1 full week each, alternating?

(You mention your DH's ex having a 'DSD' - does this mean she has another child, who's not his, who she's responsible for 100% of the time? How does your DSS feel about being pushed away so often while his (half-)sister gets to stay with their mum?)

If I were you, I'd be making plans to do things for/ by myself whenever I wasn't working over the next month or so, and leave it to your DH to figure out how he's going to look after his child during his contact time.
It sounds like he'll try and pass the buck to his own mother, which is quite frankly unattractive of him. I think I'd also be rethinking the decision I'd made to live with him/ stay married to him....

I don’t think it’s out of order at all. OP knew he had a child and 50/50 custody so she should have had the conversation with him before they married. I think it’s shitty to farm DSS out to other people simply because OP is unwilling to look after him while his dad works. He isn’t just visiting, it’s his home. If the problem is the weekends then maybe look at altering the custody arrangements to every other week, but passing the child from pillar to post on his dad’s time when there is care available at home is a bit shit.

OP do you intend to have your own kids with your DH ? If so, how do you see DSS fitting in with that. It sounds as though neither of you have thought this through properly and the child himself seems to be the last concern.

What exactly about this situation was unknown before you married him?

That the father didn’t fancy parenting his child on a regular basis? Next.

How can you have read all that and think the problem is anything but a lazy selfish dad who wants a hall pass on parenting so now that he thinks he has a woman locked in is taking up any options he sees to be elsewhere on weekends? Work was testing the boundaries because work as in having a job is seen as an essential - obviously picking up extra weekend shifts is not. Now he’s added a hobby, he will have booked himself a mates weekend away by next week if the op doesn’t put her foot down.

And OP is a grown woman marrying a man with a child whose home this is for half the week. The child care arrangements should have been discussed before they got married - the poor kid seems to be the last concern.

Fair enough, l missed the bit about the new hobby - agree it’s totally unacceptable, but as far as work is concerned it depends on what the extra shifts are for. Is OP benefiting from the extra money ? Are there added financial pressures linked to the marriage that weren’t there before ? If yes then l think it’s reasonable. If the extra shifts are to fund his own hobbies/lifestyle then no, it’s not. But l don’t understand the default position that if a woman marries someone with a child, her DH is taking the piss by asking her to parent that child with him. It’s the childs’ home 50% of the time and it’s down to both of them to manage that fairly.

They are probably not mum's or women😀

Again, OP, this - right now - is the moment your life turns to shit, unless you stand up for yourself.

You did not agree to any of this. Your husband is a lazy parent and CF. Do. Not. Do. This.

Tell DH it will be difficult for him to have new hobby on Saturday because you now do too.
Do you have direct contact with his ex? Tell that pisstaker she can pick up an extra day to make up for the night she took from you. Tell her she needs to buck her ideas up as you aren’t her free babysitting service. She sounds like a real POS.

What about OPs MH? His ex sounds like a lazy selfish POS parent who cba with her son, more interested in her new partner & time to herself to do what she wants while OP does everything the mum is supposed to do.
OP sounds like lovely stepmom but she shouldn’t be taken advantage of like this.

I do think parenting someone else's child is a noble thing to do, but the day something happens and you separate from the father, that's it, kaput

Interesting your husband chose shifts on these particular days to shove the responsibility onto you. Not. It seems a common theme of separated dads to do this to the new woman, rarely if ever happens with mums. He’s entitled and thinks you should just do it without complaint or you’ll be a terrible person. Set up a hobby or something on these days so he has to do something about it.