To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

OP, please tell me you challenged this latest announcement about his Saturday plans?

Does he get up when HIS kid is ill in the night or is his Big Man Job too important?

OP probably would have done if the expectations had been the same, the goal posts have been moved in a big way, with no discussion, since they got married.

It’s the only fact, and it’s the only thing that ultimately matters here.

It doesn’t matter what ‘most people’ do, the fact remains that a stepparent is completely free to say no and assume zero responsibility if they so choose. A stepparent is not in any way bound to the opinions of anyone that thinks they ‘have’ to assume any specific role or responsibility by virtue of marrying a parent. What you consider to be a moral responsibility isn’t something anyone other than you needs to pay the slightest bit of attention to.

You seem to be a great stepmother @namechangedcusillbeflamedand don’t deserve to be taken advantage of like this by your DH and his ex.

OP.. Did DH move in with you?

His attitude to both you and parenting in general is very cavalier.

Misandrists or doormats?

Twats in any case.

This.

I think your concerns are entirely reasonable. Can’t really give any advice other than talk to your husband but it sounds like you are doing more than your fair share. You sound like a lovely stepmum and I hope you and your stepson are ok because it must be tough on him too to see little of his parents.

Have you read any of the OPs posts or have you just decided to comment based on ready stepmum and not wanting to babysit.
It sounds like the OP is the only responsible parent in the relationship.
You have no right to come onto a public forum and criticise someone to the extent you have when you haven’t bothered to to read the posts, even if it’s just the OPs post.
Your behaviour is disgraceful

@Buffs i think you forgot to finish your sentence which should have read ‘this ….. is absolute rubbish. The OP is already doing more than her fair share of the parenting and the DSS parents need to step up’.

I would be wary about having any of your own children with DH until he shows better coparenting. It sounds like you are the ideal solution for DH and his ex wife so they can enjoy life while you get more exhausted and resentful. If this was your own children we would be saying DH needs to help more so I am not sure why some people are commenting the opposite when it is a step!

You are talking utter utter shit. You know you are, everyone else knows you are and I really hope OP knows you are.

The dad doesn't seem to want him much either as he is either working at the weekend, leaving his child with OP or, as he has just announced, he will be starting a new hobby on Saturday. OP has no parental responsibility for this child but is happy to parent him with her husband. She just doesn't expect him to do what he wants at weekends, leaving her as the default childcare with no discussion.

Well, that's a load of sanctimonious bollocks. OP has said:

'I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.'

She is pissed off because she works long hours all week and then, at the weekend, her husband either announces that he is going to work or, as he has just done, announces that he is starting a new hobby on Saturday. OP is very happy to co-parent with her DH, but doesn't expect to be his default childcare with no notice and no discussion.

It sounds like the minute you moved in together you became the nanny and now you don't even have a free weekend so your husband can hobby instead of parent and the mom's off doing her thing.

It's past time to set boundaries with your husband who is being a shit parent. If he doesn't step up and parent, you know he married you to have someone to take over parenting his kid instead of him. Do with that what you will.

Very firm aren’t you.

I can’t imagine saying to my partner “it’s not my legal responsibility to care for your child, therefore I shall not!”

What a sad way to live.

In stating the actual truth? Yes. You not liking the fact that a stepparent does not have any responsibility for a stepchild does not make it any less true.

Luckily for them, other stepparents can indeed imagine saying that, and living by it too. If it wouldn’t work for you that’s fine, it doesn’t have to.

Far from being sad it sounds a great way to live if you’re inclined to be a stepparent, and infinitely superior to the situation OP has found herself in.

Women, know your limits! Your purpose in life is to parent other people's children, with no expectation of reward or thanks!

Of course your DH can’t start a new hobby on a Saturday when he has his child, that’s beyond ridiculous.

He either realises he’s tied to be around for his DS on weekends or he rearranges things with his exw so that she has their joint DS some weekends.

In no version of this should you, OP, be the default parent with responsibility for your DSS.

You are the unpaid nanny, but your husband has waited until you were married to make this clear. You don't have to accept the role. Just saying, that's all.

It’s not that I don’t “like it,” I don’t agree with it.

What position? Her husband leaving her alone with a child she lives with 50% of the time, for a few hours?

Hardly crime of the century is it.

Being an unpaid carer is also a pretty sad way to live.

Reward or thanks 😂

I’ve just made someone else’s child a sandwich, someone give me an immediate round of applause!

It’s just being responsible for the children that live in your home, in reality.

Or you know. Adulthood.