Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

This smacks of AI

Nerve has been hit, but it sounds like it's yours!

It's extremely naive or disingenuous to pretend that better resources don't bring a better outcome. It's not BUYING and education to prioritise your children'education.

Private schools are based on the same premise that money will get a better education, better contacts, better jobs.
That is not true.
You can say that all you want, in real life I can see the opposite every day.

People wouldn't try to create exceptions and different admission criteria for some to "improve social mobility" if it wasn't true. That wouldn't be needed if money, education, contacts didn't matter.

Quite. Both my offspring went to ordinary state comprehensives, got a large number of top A Levels and then got into Oxford.

Of the 25 odd kids I’ve known since being a mum that went to private school - only one has had the stellar adult life that I think many who make the financial sacrifice hope for.
In our family/friendship group, it was like seeing kids travel along a different road at 5/7/11 depending on when they entered the private sector .. only to arrive at the same place post 18. (University)
Then end up all in the same pool chasing the same post grad career opportunities. Because Uni isn’t ’private’ ..

If you have access to good state provision then in my mind you are absolutely wasting your money.

It’s far better spent on tutors to plug any holes at GCSE and A’level… and one hell of a lot cheaper .

Access to good state provision is not widespread.

If it was me and I have done this I would forget his feelings and put him in. I got hammered but it was worth it.

Don’t worry, he can open his own doors.

@anonymouselephantx - 'As a former teacher who worked in both private and public school, I can tell you first hand, there is absolutely no difference whatsoever in regards to teaching. The children will be taught by the exact same teachers. In some schools I even found the teaching in public to be better than private in some ways.'

This just isn't true, unfortunately. Depends how you define it, but generally, private schools probably will attract 'better' teachers. It's not rocket science - if you are passionate about your subject and an expert in your field, where would you rather teach? In a well resourced school with better pay and longer holidays where the classes are likely to be smaller (and in some cases, more academic kids if the school is selective), versus less pay, shorter holidays and a more challenging student body?

It's not an absolute. There are brillliant state school teachers and crap private school teachers. But to say 'there is absolutely no difference whatsoever' in the teaching is just silly. It's like saying all the tutors at Cambridge are exactly same as those who teach at Bangor. Yes, you might come out with the same subject degree and qualification...but of course there is a difference!

Plays smallest violin

I think we need more clarity.

Who is saying you must hide your income, and why? Is it ill-gotten?

Are you tiptoeing on eggshells and being controlled in an abusive marriage?

Does your husband silently weep in the Louvre and wail in the Sistine Chapel?

My DP wasted tens of thousands on private school (unintentional, it ended up being the only school he and his ex could get their DC in due to bad choices on their part 🙄) and they couldn’t really afford it.

Their DC hasn’t amounted to anything more than he could or would have without it. It’s no guarantee of something amazing.

I do agree with you but the schools in my local area are bad.

We have twins - both have sen needs but one in particular could not cope with school so went to a local private where she managed decedent a levels to get into uni

not all private’s are equal - I have no doubt there are some very £££ private’s which are top class but I consider my son’s free gov education better than my daughters private - it was just right for her with the smaller class sizes

I think schooling is only part of educational investment.

I went to a fairly average state school in inner city Brum.

When I started my first graduate job, of my intake most went to private school one of which was Eton.

Yet we were doing the same job….

Well done to them both, but it doesn't change the fact that about a third of Oxford students come from private schools despite only 10-12% of A-level students being educated privately.

TBH private school isn't always the opportunity it is sold as. I know 5/6 people who were privately educated and none have had better prospects than I did, and I went to some of the roughest schools around, and didn't even get GCSEs.

Infact, DDs BF is 18, and I'm seeing that the Education he gained has opened exactly 0 doors for him. He hasn't got contacts, additional opportunities, better GCSE grades.

This may have been different if he attended a high profile private but honestly. I'd let it go.

If you have funds, use it to help your DS to get into their career of choice, maybe put the money towards giving him a comfortable start to adulthood.

then add grammar schools - which around here might as well be private, when you see the amount of tutoring and extra resources and activities paid by by parents (who can blame them!)

There's not that many spaces left for those coming from state comprehensive...

Yes but since most of the private schools that those children attend are academically selective that means that pretty every child in the 6th form has the academic capacity to attend oxbridge rather than a relatively small proportion in a non selective state school. Therefore I would expect statistically for private schools to be over represented in the numbers

If you have access to a good state of schools, i dont think your child will be that negatively impacted.

We've been looking into whether we buy in a good catchment area, and spend our money on travelling and activities. Or buy closer to family, have a bigger house and pay for private school. There seem to be more benefits from the state school option

but WHY do they have academic capacity? Because of the education they received, that's all - exactly the reason why parents support them as much as they can afford.

Send your actual child to private school and get rid of the man child. Your husbands fragile ego needs to get in the bin so you can you send your child to private school. Yes there are state schools that CAN compete academically but the all round education, the networks and support can rarely be topped by a big standard comprehensive.

My mother always said you are either a wife, or a mother, but it’s hard to be both. Quite apart from the pros and cons of the private v state debate, the thing I notice about your post is your putting your husband before your son; if you want to send him to private school and you can afford it (out of your finances not joint) then do it. Otherwise you’re just being a wee wifey and I pity your son.

oh come on not true. Your core intellectual ability is not changed by the school. Schools can help improve some children’s grades but if they entered a school clever they come out clever. Do you think the children who attend St Paul’s school are not the absolute brightest children going into the school to start with? Do you think the school is value add grade wise?. Same with the other schools- the entrance exams are very difficult - yes children can be coached through to an extent but there has to be a raw ability to start with.

What are you actually talking about?

You believe private school is in the best interests of your children but you're putting your husband's ego ahead of that?!

If THAT'S the example they are learning from at home I don't think they have much chance regardless of where they go to school.