Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

Nothing wrong with private school. I think it's been the best place to send my DD.

Sorry, I’m not following?

Why have you decided not to send your child to private school? It’s because your DH wouldn’t be the one paying, you would? Why is that an issue?

To be honest, my DH wasn’t completely sold on private schools for our kids (even though he went to one himself) as we live on the doorstep of some excellent state schools. But I reminded him that I work fucking hard slogging my guts out for ££££ and if I want to spend my money on the best education money can buy for my kids, then if they pass the entrance tests, they are going and that’s all there is to it. End of conversation.

There's everything wrong with private schools.

Fair enough. As stated, I'm just going by my own personal observations.

You’re absolutely correct and I understand that if previous generations have been privately educated than that is the preferred option. The point I was making (which I’ve observed) is that those from less financially well off backgrounds see sending their kids to private school as the pinnacle of achievement as I’m assuming they associate going to private school as being “better” than others x

You are overpaid

Nasty.

🙄

My DD isn't from a well off background. I've had a middle class upbringing but we definitely are nowhere near the level of income of my parents.

I agree that private school children mostly come from privileged backgrounds, but some like my DD are there on their own merits, and have earned a scholarship. We certainly couldn't ever afford full fees if we didn't have a bursary too.

She's fully awwre of those less privileged and more privileged than her, and is a well rounded teenager.

How thrilling for you! you've met your kind.

Then don't reply? Or strike the "boo hoo" bit? Curiosity or asking to elaborate is surely just fine, but ridicule because OP's problems/issues are (presumably) far removed from yours? That's just unnecessary.

Anyways - if you want to send your child to private school, and they're bright/suited to the school you want them to go to, then do that, if you can afford to?

We've done a mix in the end - long story - and are lucky to be able to give our kids what we believe are the best opportunities. BUT the main bit is that they're thriving and have a supportive set of adults (us as parents and a grandparent) on hand taking an interest in their homework, education, opinions etc. A kid thriving in the school they're at & enjoying learning - because the school's a great match, and/or their friends are there, they love it there for academic and non-academic reasons - will do better than miserable kids. So private education is not the be all and end all. A happy kid though goes a very long way, wherever they are.

What I do find amazing in these threads is the amount of people who are against private schools who have more than 2 children. The cost to raise a child from 0-18 is more than private secondary fees.

I had a choice whether to have another child or pay the secondary school fees and I chose the fees. Other people make a different decision but I know so many people who had only one child to be able to send that child private. People have 2 children or more have way more money than they do but yet judge them for being elitist when they simply made a different decision.

Why? Just because they're so expensive? Privileged people can only go? Or that they are the kind of educational environment that would be the best for those who are suited to them, and will thrive there?

I don’t get this , surely all money is family money irrespective of who earns it and hence if you , as a family , can afford private education and that is the best option for your child then that is where your child goes .

One provocative post and OP disappears in a puff of smoke.

I’m not sure how sane it is to start off on the private education journey at this point anyway OP.

Even the prep schools round me are edging up to almost £30k a year now. Just insane amounts of money.

I think a lot of people who had probably been considering private education will be rethinking.

I know many, many families where you’d assume they’d be using these schools and very few are. Almost exclusively those with family wealth - those actually needing to earn the money to pay the fees seem actually very reluctant.

I have no idea what the private school system is going to look like in 5-10 years. The cost is just getting so ridiculous.

Having sent my children to state and them private, I can promise theres a hell of a difference between the two.
Starting with the fact chikdren are actually seen rather than ‘not creating problem=ignored’.
im surprised you haven’t noticed any difference tbh

Hi, not necessarily. I was a free milk and lunch child under Thatcher - pretty much at the bottom of the socioeconomic scale in one of the poorest areas in London. I went to a grammar school and saw the difference in choices of the wealthier girls. It was a time when less money was spent on girls’ education. So quite a few girls had brothers/boyfriends at fairly elite private schools. Their choices in life were so much wider and desirable.

I didn’t think sending my DS to a private school was the pinnacle of my achievements, but exercising an option that was my choice, to give my DS more choices in the future.

The state schools near me are very good, the private school is world class. The point is I/he had a choice and that is what I’d worked towards.

This. Is this OP rage-bait?

“Mother declines private education due to less successful husband‘s / father‘s insecurity“?

reminds me of SATC (yes, a rather toxic reference) where Charlotte explained that she was renting because owning would lower her chances on the dating scene / marriage scene…

Sorry OP but I think it's utterly ridiculous to have to deny your child opportunities and pretend you have less to spare your husband's feelings.

It's awfully man-child behaviour.

I couldn't do that to my son.

It would be an enormous get the fuck over yourself from me.

Surely it’s very area dependant. A good state school in a rich area is going to have a pretty middle class motivated bunch of kids on average so you are les likely to get behaviour problems and more motivated children on average. The differences between the state and private school might not be so marked. Very different to a school with a huge demographic spread and children with problems and lack of motivation. I doubt one state teacher has the same experience as another whereas I assume more private school teachers have a reasonably consistent experience.

I understand the grief attached to school choices. I was absolutely heartbroken when we didn’t get our choice of state school, so we decided we’d make the fees ‘work’, however with the uplift in fees of 28% in the past year, we regret not making state school work. Now we have a choice to either place our child at an inferior school, in the knowledge there is far better locally, or suck up being poorer than we should be. 20k a year buys a lot of fun times, so don’t dwell for long, book a holiday or buy yourself a Range Rover - that’s what state parents do round our way. 😂

You can replicate the private, if your state school is good, you get a tutor over to stay on course for great grades, sporty clubs, arty outings, and trips abroad to places like the Somme, Cario, skiing etc
Totally doable.

If your local state school is good, bank the money and save it for their uni education. That way they go through uni without the huge debt

Tell me you haven't worked in a state secondary school, without telling me