Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

If you want private school (one vote)
If husband wants state (one vote)

Why is he the deciding vote?

Impossible to discuss the important thing here-that the OP is being controlled by her DP-because the word “grief” is so wildly inappropriate.

"what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time"

What are you on about here? Does the above comment mean that sending your child to Private School is an important status symbol for you?

If this is about you being the higher earner I think he needs to meet you in the middle. I would consider private school for secondary education. No you shouldn’t have to hide what you earn. Particularly from your dh if that’s the case I think you need to look at your marriage.

The thing you have to remember is your husband won't appreciate your sacrifice.
He won't reward you for it.
He won't feel bad and think 'I'll be kinder'.
He won't see your suffering and think 'I'm a piece of shit'.

He will just be happy he ground you down and provide more pressure.

I had a similar thought today. Saw three kids crossing the street in uniform of a very expensive private school: the bag, the hats, everything! And just felt sad for all the opportunities they are getting that my kids won’t.

I've been (belatedly) watching Pilgrimage, the season with Spencer from Made in Chelsea. He went to Eton. And he was amazed to learn on the pilgrimage that Jesus was a real person.
It's not necessarily the best use of your money.

But that doesn’t prove it’s the school rather than their family background that gave them the advantage. It's true that most private schools have smaller classes and probably fewer behavioural problems, but I don’t think the teaching is necessarily better.

If I ruled the world I would ban private schools because I think they are divisive, entrench privilege and act against social cohesion! Luckily for private schools, it’s not likely to happen…

Nerve has been hit, but it sounds like it's yours!
@CalmHiker that’s what I thought.

@MyrtleLion
They are damaging as has been evidenced in many places including this thread.
Don't pat yourselves on the back for "doing the best" for your child just because you have money when it's just not true and others don't have that option.

Do you somehow have proof that every single person who has been privately educated is ‘damaged’?
Not sure why you felt the need to write such an unpleasant post, unless maybe it’s an opportunity to have a go at people richer than you.

To be fair I know quite a few people who went to private schools and are just average people with very average jobs. You wouldn't really know they had been to private school at all.

You won’t get much sympathy here bc Mumsnet hates private school people, but I do understand. Because of the vat and rising fees we’ve just put our daughter in state school as a year 6. It was gut wrenching and it still is- I grew up in the states in hillbilly country, hungry, poorer than poor, and none of my siblings made it out, none graduated high school and are all meth addicts. Sending my child to private school felt like I was giving her the world I was never able to have. I will say so far she’s doing well, she’s 2 years ahead of all of her classmates and bored, but she’s in the catchment for the top non selective state secondary in the country, so I’m hopeful she will have a great future ahead of her, despite not going private.

Binky thought reindeers were a mythical animal made up for Christmas.

@BananaPeels - hmmm. If you put two equally clever children - one into St. Paul's and one into a failing state school - who do you think is more likely to 'do better' with their exam grades and uni applications? Of COURSE teaching, resources and surroundings makes a difference. And of course - every year there are kids that do brilliantly against the odds, without any of the advantages that private school might offer. But to suggest it won't make a difference is misguided.

Also - remember that Oxbridge are highly aware of the advantages that private school kids have. Rightly so, they will take that into consideration when it comes to offers etc. And yet, statistically private schools are still over-represented, even with these tougher requirements, so...

As for the old myth of doors opening up and networks - this is only really the case if you are sending your child to somewhere like Eton.

Actually, this is not quite true. I went exclusively to private schools and when I went for an interview for my first job I was seen by one of the Executive Directors and also a middle Manager. I learned later that the middle Manager was told by the ED that he had to take me on because I had been to XXX school! So it isn't a myth!

I don’t know why people keep saying X went to private school and has an average job.
Perhaps X had a happy few years in secondary, developed confidence and achieved their potential.

A lot of this thread is sour grapes.

Parents make the best choices they can for their children. Whether that’s moving to a good catchment area, tutors or private school or whether they value multiple holidays, horses or huge cars.

Do what you believe is best for your kids. There is no need to knock down other people’s roads. .

Don't you find that they tend to be more 'polished' in social situations, have better vocabularies, etc.?

I am sure your child will be ok but if the only reason you aren't going to opt for Private is to protect your Husbands ego then that is ridiculous

Is it ego or does he just not want his child privately educated? Lots of people choose state over private...

The issue is privilege, which includes but not exclusively limited to money. If you can afford private school then your child will almost certainly do well, whether they go to private school or not. Because you have the resources to give them the cultural capItal-which is what the “private school polish” somebody mentioned earlier.

I find private schools are better at soft skills - as they have more time with DC

Privately schooled DC tend to come out with an air of confidence and decent oratory skills even if they are as thick as mince. This gives them an advantage in their early 20s for jobs & career paths

If you can develop these skills in a state environment or outside school, then your DC should be on alevel playing field

They have accents that mark them out as from wealthier backgrounds and some have a high handed manner which perhaps to some will pass as breeding or class but other than that not really. I was talking to one the other day and it became apparent that they had no idea what epigenetics was for example, which I would assume most people would at least understand what the word meant.

A lot of it is just family money and moving in circles with other wealthy people.

It's not sour grapes at all, I went to a rather rough state school and did very well, went to a Russell Group university for my undergrad and another for my MA. I don't have kids so have no skin in the game. I do think state schools should be better but I just don't get the simpering admiration for the almighty private school many on here seem to have, they genuinely don't turn out a "better class" of person in my experience. For many it seems to be a status symbol more than anything else.

Hold on are you prioritising (in your eyes) your husbands pride over your child’s education?

I’m not sure your point. If all this children who go to St Paul’s went to the local state school do you fewer would get into Oxbridge? Of course they won’t - academically they will do as well but also their parents will be wealthy enough on the whole and motivated enough to employ Oxbridge tutors and such like. The school makes almost no difference in that regards- in fact if you put all those kids into the local state school my money is even more of then will get into Oxbridge than they do now.