Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

I have two nephews privately educated at the best schools from 4-18. They’re lovely boys who work hard but they don’t have well paid high flying jobs either. One is a handyman of sorts and the other a salesman.

And there are those who just don't agree with private schools

I kind of feel all the 'ooh Eton was so awful 20 years ago' posts are missing the point.

im not talking about boarding school which is a whole different kettle of fish.

I speak from bitter experience of my child bearing the brunt of a violent, chaotic state school then sending them to a beautifully calm and pleasant private school. Because kids with nice middle class lives generally don’t throw chairs around the classroom and hospitalise their classmates everyone is far more happy and relaxed and respectful of other students and teachers. That’s the sort of school I want all children to be educated in but sadly where I (Scotland) violent in the state system is soaring.

Money well spent.....

Parental engagement and how much education is valued is a far bigger predictor of outcomes than the type of school. He’ll be grand.

What is the definition of money well spent? A new car? Holiday?

It’s usually those with under privileged backgrounds who think private schools are some sort of mythical Valhalla. They are the ones that looked on with envy at other better off kids at school and now want to attempt to elevate what they see as their social standing.

Well we’re white middle class with professional jobs and financially very comfortable, one of my daughter’s best friends at school is a hijab-wearing Muslim girl whose family don’t have much money as they work in “unskilled” jobs. I’d say that constitutes mixing with children from very different backgrounds.

Its not years of private school to become a handyman

@Redpeach - bluntly, I'm not sure I've met anyone who is 'so against' private schools who can actually afford it. There are good state schools and bad private schools, of course...and as I said the whole system is an unfair one.

BUT - if your local comp was in special measures and there was a brilliant private school in the same area and money was no object, I don't think many parents would be opting for the former as a matter of principle tbh.

Speak for yourself

Hit a nerve, did I?

Private schools are based on the same premise that money will get a better education, better contacts, better jobs.

That is not true.

They are damaging as has been evidenced in many places including this thread.

Don't pat yourselves on the back for "doing the best" for your child just because you have money when it's just not true and others don't have that option. Far better to stay and improve the school.

In my home town the local secondary modern had a terrible reputation when it became the local comprehensive. It quickly became one of the top 100 schools in the country because wealthier parents got involved and forced up standards.

That's a much better use of time and resources than buying an education and social standing.

So is your DH against private education and you for it?

How old is your DC?

Could you go state for primary and look at options for secondary?

I honestly think private primary is a waste of money unless your local primary is dire or there is a certain need your child has that is better in a private setting e.g. gifted at music, they need smaller classes etc

Apologies for spelling errors/typos earlier post. I can’t edit it for some reason. My children’s friends at private secondary are from Hong Kong, Germany, Italy, Spain. It’s different to your average school but it is diverse. If “diverse” means average or poor income households as seems to be suggested here - there are multiple kids on bursaries including one from a traveller family who has an unusual talent. There are all faiths and none. It’s more diverse than local church schools.

If you can afford to send your child/children to private school then do it.
Your DH will really have to come to terms with it.

We choose private school because the local state school is dismal. If there was a good state school, we'd have chosen that at the time.

At this stage, we are seeing how much private school suits our children so we wouldn't change back to state schools.

However we live pretty frugally and have prioritised schools and we always knew this would be the case.

But they had the money. They decided to spend it on the school. The children presumably were happy and were well educated. If they then chose to do something else then I don’t see the problem.

no one has a crystal ball .

Imy friend was a teacher and she taught in a selective private school school. The results weren’t great so I asked, why do parents pay for that if they aren’t getting value for money in terms of results? She replied that for many of the kids they would either fail completely in the state system, or fall into the wrong crowd and goodness knows what else. Sending them to the private school was to just keep the kids on the straight and narrow and come out with the best grades they could. That was money well spent.

I don't understand the OP really, and as she has not returned maybe we never will. I think she is saying that her husband can't stand the idea (is in "pain" from it??) of her paying for private school, not that he is ideologically opposed? In which case that is ridiculous. In my case there was no choice as my stepdaughters were not eligible for state school, but I was happy to pay for the private school as I was the main breadwinner and that was my role (later on the only breadwinner as he became a SAHD to our son). DH was of course perfectly happy with it all too. Are men really that ridiculous in this day and age?

Well honestly I have done state and private for my kids, I am privately educated myself and my husband is state and honestly we are all a much of a muchness. No black book of contacts for either of us, went to the same university with the same degree (actually my husband beat me and got a 1st). Literally you wouldn’t be able to say what type of school any of us went to. Which is why I’m a bit easy going about picking the right school for the right child rather than getting bogged down into some sort of class warfare on it

I was replying to a poster who said that at state schools kids only mix with kids from the same background as themselves.

In my experience, and I can only write from personal experience of our family and those around us, the people going to private schools do so because their parents and other family members went to private schools.

Many people we know prioritise private schools over everything else so if anything our 'social standing' is less because we aren't driving huge SUVS and going on multiple holidays.

This. In spades. My DD is at a top girls' private school, and thriving. It suits her down to the ground.

She's conscientious, extremely intelligent, and very driven - all skills that would have been used at any good state school.

But i know where she is best suited to, at a private school as she gets extremely bored and definitely needs the small classes, brilliant facilities etc

Each to their own of course.

This isn't necessarily true. I dont know anyone who went to private school, and that certainly wouldn't have influenced why I sent my DD there! 😳😆

I see a lot of defensive justification of private education.

I'm glad you're all happy with your decisions.

Anyway the OP has posted a goady thread and run, and I'm not going to be part of the entertainment any more.

I was agreeing with you. Then realised how I wrote it wasn’t very clear. I meant on the thread it’s being suggested that private schools aren’t diverse. That’s not my experience or yours as you very clearly explained.