Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

That’s oversimplistic.

There are lots of reasons for going private, including the desire to provide your children with a child-centred learning environment where they are treated with respect, fed well, given choice and responsibility and where they can focus on learning instead of tolerating constant disruption and conflict.

Just because the comprehensive system is such a failure doesn’t mean that private equals privilege. Just something humane and decent.

No they wouldn’t. There are many people who could afford private education and don’t believe in buying privilege.

@blossomtoes most posters on here say state education is better than private so why is it buying privilege?

Not necessarily. Grammars don’t exist in most parts of the country and many children do perfectly well without tutoring. As my mum once said “You can’t buy brains.”

Because for some people it is Schrodinger' education: independent schools simultaneously confer privilege and advantage whilst at same time not being as good as state schools.

It's complete mental gymnastics to attack choice and individualism, everyone should just fit into neat little boxes provides by the state.

Over 25% of children get tutored......
That rises to 30% at secondary age

25% of what children? Successful applicants to grammar schools? Is 75% not "many"?

And 75% don’t.

Well actually 41% of children in London are tutored at secondary
NE it is around 16%

No, of all children in education. Research carried out by Sutton Trust

It is a strategy widely suggested on MN ie state "plus" which = tutoring.

30% get tutored? That’s higher than I assumed. I know our local senior school has a high number of pupils using tutors, but that’s to compensate for subject teacher shortage.

MN is a very rarefied middle class world.

So, if 25% of primary school students are tutored but less than 5% go on to attend selective state grammar schools, are the rest not likely to be being tutored to pass private school entrance exams? Meaning the 25% of tutored children and those in private education overlap and this isn't a sign of a load of "state school parents" choosing to tutor instead of go private?

Some may be but the number going to independent is only 7% so that doesn't account for the %.
25% of state children = 2.25 million children. There are only 550K children in independent schools.
Many state parents use tutors to make up for lack of subject teachers in GCSE years etc.

Yes full of privileged parents who can access privilege for their children outside of using independent schools.

Yes but you said it was 25% in primary and 30% in secondary. What on earth are all these parents supposedly tutoring for in state primary? They don't even do SATs now. I genuinely do not believe that of the 9 primaries in my South West town there are 1000 kids receiving tutoring.

That's fine don't believe it but those are findings of Sutton Trust research.

I honestly don't care but was merely making the point that plenty of parents who use state schools also buy "privilege" for their children and to accuse independent parents of doing so whilst ignoring the issue within state schools is disingenuous

Maybe it's just me but I still don't your DHs problem?

Loads of people seem to tutor around here but they keep it quiet. My state school child had no English teacher for 6 months while in an exam year (yes, I know, not great) and we looked to get a tutor just so they could find out what they were supposed to be doing for coursework. Lots of people were using them but no tutors had any space.

It’s good to see teachers that have been abused into leaving teaching have a lucrative employment option! Does that Sutton Trust number cover this sort of thing maybe? Secondary school subject specific tutors employed to get kids through exams.

Don’t really understand this post. My DS is at a state school. We could afford private. He’s in year 11 doing very well. Can’t see how a private school could “open doors”. He wants to study medicine, and I don’t see why he will be disadvantaged by being at a state school.

Use your money to pay for some tutoring down the line. Like for GCSEs and A levels.

I agree with the advice too.

I come from a very underprivileged background but was sent to a private for 4 years between 12 and 16 and I can tell you the difference it made for me was immense. I went to a state sixth form and only two of us managed to get good enough A levels for russell group unis, and both of us had been to a public school. It is shocking and unfair but it is the case.

Where we live there are no private options and dc is doing well at the state academically because dc reads a lot of good books and is clever and i have done some motivating stuff at home, and extra maths, but what really affects my dc at school is that around 90 percent of the class do no work, are demotivated, loud, lewd, disruptive, know things that kids of their age shouldn't know, spend all their time on violent video games and some are violent. DC has now said they are fed up and asked to move house and go to a school where the kids are motivated and academic.

I think that good private schools give good training in independent study, and also gives subconscious training in the "right" social skills. I think it makes a difference in terms of delivery and confidence, not necessarily in relation to academics as there are so many other factors. Disparity in income and background was apparent at my private school but not an issue. Ethics and academics were more important. It was all girls and really pushed the idea that women could do anything they wanted which was fabulous.

I think you should do what is best for your son, and persuade your husband after you have decided what is best! I don't think you should put your husband's feelings of inadequacy over what you think is best for your dc.

FWIW in your shoes I would give your dc a taste of both types of schools and make sure they are ahead academically at all times.

I agree but think that enough is enough and we should as a country do something about changing education so that there is not such a huge unfair gulf, and raise standards throughout. Most of the disruptive kids are behind and have been for years. How things are taught needs improving. Knowledge is incredibly motivating for kids. As is reading extensively instead of years of phonics torture. There is a lot we could do differently at state school.

100% agree with that. Make ALL state schools good for ALL children. But it's easier to tear down independent schools and blame them for everything than improve state schools to that extent.

I totally get it, I’d hate to the poor parents at a school full of relatively wealthy families. We thought about private but the lifestyle hit would be huge and I perhaps selfishly don’t want my kid only doing nice things with school.

@Movingonfeelssad
What an absolutely shit reason for disregarding private education.

Your DH sounds like a dickhead who has made your DC's education all about HIM and not about the best fit for your DC.

I thought he might have just morally disagreed with private education but no it's about his insecurities - what a twat.

I went to a private school, yes some people are seriously rich but most are just normal people in well paid jobs e.g lawyers, business owners, accountants. Also parents are not comparing bank balances. My best mate's dad was a shop keeper.

Look if you can afford it and it's a viable option, you should consider it. You don't have to go to a premium prep school, also you could go to a state primary and private secondary. You don't have to spend £500k.