Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

I think it is about the right school for the right child always.

Both have pluses and minuses, aside from the actual cost of private.

These debates always turn unpleasant though, with snobbery and superiority on one side and resentment and jealousy on the other.

I am really pleased my older son went to a comprehensive though I, like you OP, assumed private was better, but my ex wife had no interest, and he wasn’t cognitively ready to sit entrance exams to the best privates in any event.

He achieved a fantastic set of GCSE grades (maybe he would have got a few more 9s and a few less 8s at a private, but he did it substantially independently, developing a fantastic work ethic in the process and I am convinced will get better A levels because of it), he got into a very competitive grammar which I only learnt he was applying for at one of his parents’ evenings, and he gets on with everyone from what he calls ‘road men’ to scholars at one of the very upmarket local private schools.

My younger son is also doing great at the same comprehensive but his needs are different and, though I am convinced that he will do fine at GCSE s, he has some needs which I feel might be better met doing his A levels at a private school, but we shall see.

The one thing these threads do all have in common though are parents interested in their children’s education, which is a massive win in itself. You would be amazed how many parents just aren’t that invested (at private too; they feel that they have done their bit when the bank transfer goes through).

‘As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child’

private schools encourage neither grit nor determination, in my experience. Too much handholding, too much kowtowing to parents who demand ‘results’
Over everything else, too much privilege …
Your kids will be fine with motivated parents, and quite frankly the money you have for extra curriculars…

You're just spouting bollocks now
"private schools encourage neither grit nor determination, in my experience. Too much handholding, too much kowtowing to parents who demand ‘results’"

So kids in independent schools never go through mental health issues/ill health/lose a parent or suffer anything to give them 'grit'?
How about the kids who mix state and independent schools? Do they have grit in the state school but then lose it when they move to independent? What happens if they move back to state, do they develop that grit again?

Jog on.

You 'buy' the private school effect by putting your child in a toxic and judgemental environment where they have to build a shield of confidence around themselves so that the other children don't have anything to bully them for.

My husband and his brother are currently going through a lot of counselling to try and get over the trauma that private school caused for them (this was boarding school but it won't be much different as a day student)

State education is often better than private anyway

@CallMeMessy
Over everything else, too much privilege.

Can you define too much privilege? You’ve said on this thread you can afford private school so why are you less privileged than those who opt for private education?

In my opinion you’re not / my parents as first generation immigrants did this for me with a lot of sacrifices - albeit in the 90s / 00s… I’ve done well and always assumed I would do the same - now I have no idea as the costs have really spiralled up and despite a high household income… it doesn’t feel doable and I feel sad about that - it’s okay for you to feel that way too

Just go state grammar?

So you are taking 1 school, presumably 20+ years ago, and extrapolating that across all 2500 independent schools?
You realise 1 school doesn't = ALL schools?
It's like me saying all state schools are shit cos the 1 closest to us is. I wouldn't say that cos I'm not that stupid.

correct and if the case for “best for our child” was more tangible, he would be going for it enthusiastically. Also because technically he could afford it even without me, it would just leave him with less discretionary spend once all the investments/pension contributions are taken care of 😞

This is great advice and is absolutely true.

I don't understand this post at all. If you can afford it and want to send your child to a private school, then just go for it. Are you keeping yourself small so your husband stays comfortable? He should have married somene else if he cannot accept your success, grit and ambition. Private is a world apart and why deny your child this chance FOR THE WRONG REASONS?

How do you know? Have you attended got inside knowledge of every private school in the UK? Bollocks.

Nope not just one school (they went to different schools anyway!) - there's actually been a lot of research done on the topic (primarily around boarding schools tbf - I'm sure that not all day students experience trauma to that level). Google Nick Duffell and you will see what I'm talking about.

Congrats on the remark implying I'm stupid btw - hope you're super proud of yourself for being snide to a stranger on the Internet!

I'm Scottish, and so did 'O' grades, 'H' grades and CSYS. Only 'H' grades remain. After university, applying for jobs, I remember application forms asked about 'S' levels. This mystified us. What were they? Thanks.

Our private school is cheap but over half of the kids either come from a background of inter generational wealth or as a minimum the grandparents are paying the fees. One child at private is £22k a year here. That is about £2k of your post tax income a month per child. Both parents need to be in good jobs to be able to afford that, esp if you have more than one child.

I know all about boarding school syndrome but you then claimed that day schools were no different. Things have hugely moved on since your DH went to boarding school eg safeguarding etc.

You are applying old tropes and clichés to a whole sector of schools. It's like me saying all state schools are full of chavs.
Independent schools aren't 1 homogenous lump of schools all with rhe same characteristics, it's a hugely diverse sector. Same as state sector.

You had no problem being snidey about all independent schools FYI "putting your child in a toxic and judgemental environment where they have to build a shield of confidence around themselves so that the other children don't have anything to bully them for" .

@Idontpostmuch ,

S stood for ‘scholarship’, although they didn’t qualify you for a scholarship, sadly.

They were extra elective exams you could choose to take. Most people did 2 (who did any) and they were graded fail, credit or distinction (or 2 or 1, with the 1 being a distinction). They were a similar standard to Oxbridge entrance, although maybe a different style.

Although Oxbridge entrance exams were a thing then, some people still got conditional offers based on A levels, which might have included S levels. So, to read Mathematics, your offer might have been AAA with at least a credit in Maths S level.

(The A star didn’t exist then)

@HeWhoMustNotBeNamed Do you think bullying only happens in private schools?
My step daughter was so badly bullied at a state school for being ‘posh’ she had to leave. But maybe you would consider that learning resilience.

So, after all these yrs, I know. Thanks.

can they not do 11+ ?

a good state school, with extra curricular and tutoring will achieve similar academic outcomes

Private school does seem to give dc a lot of confidence. All 4 of mine went private for secondary and are good at putting themselves across. Dd3, my youngest, is in y13, head of house, head of CCF, just got 100% in her grade 8 LAMDA and is about to sit her grade 8 piano. She has done her d of e gold, has completed all her ballet grades, competes in athletics and fences a few times a week. We are on UC, she has a full bursary and she has ADHD.
She'd probably have been fine at our local state school though.

Please tell your husband to buck up and send your kid to private. Everyone would if they could afford it. Or didn't prefer to spend their cash on other stuff. That is the truth.

All the English secondary schools I know of are genuinely horrible places. Massive, badly resourced and under staffed by really sub par “teachers” who bully and demean the children and spend their time demanding compliance on the most irrelevant things like make up, uniform and even the colour of pen they use.
And the food is genuinely shocking, expensive and of very little nutritional value. And often runs out.

Everyone would if they could afford it. Or didn't prefer to spend their cash on other stuff. That is the truth.

No they wouldn’t. There are many people who could afford private education and don’t believe in buying privilege.

But are happy to buy privilege in form of tutoring/using grammars and buying ££ houses to ensure they have access to best state schools.